Great in person but terrible texter

[PepperPott]

I can't figure out if I'm being too needy here or if he's actually not that into me (I'm suspecting the latter).

I've been seeing a guy for a few of months - no exclusivity chats. Started before lockdown, we didn't see each other for 8 weeks and then started meeting again last week.
It's always been pretty bad. Even when initially talking on OLD, he'd disappear for 3 days and then continue. However I was talking to other people so not so bothered to begin with.
We had a great first date and then saw each other a few more times, but even then, if we didn't meet that week it could be 3-4 days between messages - and they aren't long messages. Politely conversational or maybe sending a pic back and forth but I can't say I've learnt anything about him from them.

Texting over those 8 weeks just felt painful. It was getting to the point where I'd initiate a conversation after nothing from him for a week - he'd reply the next day and we might have one or two messages a day and it would go quite for a few days again.

We finally met again a couple of times last week and they were amazing dates. We were chatting until late in the night, he was sharing a lot about deep topics - a recent bereavement, his ex, childhood, etc. He couldn't stop looking at me, smiling at me, incredibly affectionate - telling me how happy he was to be with me. He brought food with him the first time and cooked for me the next.

And here we are again with the texting this week. Nothing for 4 days, so I've sent him a message asking if he wants to do something next week - and now I'm back to the waiting and don't expect he will respond until tomorrow at the earliest. I have no reason to assume he'll say no, but this constant waiting just leaves me in panic mode.

So what am I supposed to think here? It feels like it's going so well in person but I feel like I'm getting some serious mixed messages when I'm not there.

Definitely no wife/ girlfriend, etc. His SM accounts are public and I've naturally had a snoop. Plus I've been to his house on many occasions. It is 100% a man cave.

Just tell him how this makes you feel - that you feel as if you are Plan B . I used these exact words to my now H and he had no idea. He just wasn't good on future planning .

Either you need to give this up as too much effort, or try and speak to him. If you like him and it has been a few months then you need to bring up the ‘where do you see this going’ chat. If you ask him first he will have to answer, or try and avoid the question in which case you have your answer anyway.
Don’t just keep going along as things are or it will drive you mad.

You sound like really hard work.

Is there a reason I sound like hard work? I don't bombard him - generally just leave it and expect that we have space from each other. But a week a time without any contact is hard for me to understand what he's thinking.

I'm genuinely trying to get whether this is that my expectations are skewed (I had a 11 year relationship where we would text several times a day). Plus I'm being constantly told that if they don't respond, they're just not that into you. No idea if that's right or not.

When I do see him next, I'll have a conversation to see where it's going. It feels good but I suppose the uncertainty is getting to me a bit.

Some people just arent glued to their phones. Surely real life is more important than texts?

Luckily I got together with my DH just before mobile phones or he would have been in big trouble. He hardly ever responds to messages and I was testing out an automatic text SOS thing from my smartwatch while out running 4 days ago and he still hasn't read it!

I don't think you sound like hard work. In this day and age I don't think it's much to expect the person you're seeing to check in with you every now and again between dates or reply to the messages you send. It's a big part of dating and life in general nowadays.

How old is he? If he's older it might just be that he's not a big texter and doesn't realise how it makes you feel. I know my dad isn't great over text. I suppose because he didn't grow up with texting so doesn't use it in the same way me and my friends would.

My last boyfriend was a shit texter and I hated it. I felt like when we parted after a date he just forgot all about me, which is a horrible feeling when you're in the early stages and thinking of them all the time. It made me feel uncharacteristically insecure and I would start to feel anxious towards the end of our time spent together because I knew it would be back to him never contacting me and not even replying when I did pluck up the courage to send him a message which made me feel crap. And it made me feel even worse when I would be with friends and they would just text their boyfriends and hear right back even if it was just a daft text they'd sent when mine didn't even reply when I was asking specific questions about our plans for the week.

My current boyfriend keeps in touch over text regularly, he checks in to see how I am at least every couple of days and sends me things that have made him laugh or reminded me of him and he always replies within the day if I message him. It's really contributed to how calm and content I feel in the relationship. So I definitely understand how you feel!

@dazzlinghaze Yes, you are describing exactly how I feel. He's actually younger and has SM accounts with 1000s of followers, but he doesn't seem to update much these days. Perhaps once every few months.

I think since he's been on furlough (and his bereavement) he's significantly worse so I could understand that might be the problem. But on the other hand - we're just talking about confirming our next plans and it takes so long to pin him down. For example, last week I said come over on Monday (on Fri) and heard nothing at all from him until the day - and then he was just 'I'll bring food - what do you fancy?'. So I spent Fri - Mon wondering assuming it was a no, but for him it was an assumed yes.

I think it's always better to believe what you see in real life than the words in texts... SO if that is as beautiful as you described in reality, you should not worry.

It is lovely in person. He’s so kind, attentive and seems so into me. But I really hate not knowing if I have plans or not.

Our first proposed date I suggested a certain day and he didn’t get back to me until around 2pm on the actual day to say he’d love to - so I said no and let him rearrange. It feels like it’s going to be a consistent problem. But I’m kind of thinking he takes if for granted and will let me know if can’t do it instead of confirming he can. But that just causes me a lot of anxiety because I need to know one way or the other!

Rather than the whole text thing couldn't you phone? Might be easier

Why don’t you just phone? I hate texting too.

I’ve never phoned him before so have no idea how well received that would be, but I was considering asking him when I next see him if that would just be an easier way to contact him.

I don’t know! It’s my first ‘relationship’ since my ex other than a couple of flings and I find it really hard to know what’s okay and what isn’t.

Tell him.

I find the rigmarole of texting about nothing in particular a chore, but play the game if it's important to the other person.

So is it my expectations based on what I’m used to rather than him not being interested? Everyone is telling me in the contrary so I’m really confused.

I will tell him - if he eventually confirms to meet again 🙄

Has it crossed your mind he may have difficulty with reading/writing, such as dyslexia?

I hate texting. I think it’s pointless. It’s basically the worst of the worst kind of small talk which only serves to either make arrangements or confirm arrangements you already have or to check in every now and again. I am bemused by people who see it as a fundamental method of communication to progress a relationship. Quite apart from my own feelings about it, surely anyone can accept that there are only so many times in lockdown you can message “how are you?”; “what have you been up to?” And even more apart from that, anyone can say anything over text. It’s who they are and what they say and how they act in person that counts. If this guy is doing all the good stuff when you’re actually seeing each other, why is your focus on what he does with his phone when you aren’t?

If you want decent communication or interaction with somebody, phone them or video them. I have dear friends I don’t get to see regularly and who I don’t message on anything more than a monthly basis because our real connection happens when we meet in person or see each other over video.

Addendum. You know how there are people who post every minute of their wonderful lives on Facebook and the general consensus is that if you feel the need to be posting about how wonderful everything on Facebook all the time, the reality probably isn’t as great? The same is true of the “relationships” which are conducted primarily through constant text messages. Love bombing is a red flag. This guy may have other things which mean you aren’t compatible but don’t make “he doesn’t text me ‘good morning, sexy’ and ‘good night, baby’ everyday one of those.

He sounds like my now DH. I felt like I was possibly being messed around because I wouldn’t hear from him about doing something that weekend and then it would roll around and he’d always want to - just no forward planning. If he’s at work he’s working no messages. It’s annoying!

God this sounds tedious. I would either phone or next time he only replies the day of the meet up tell him it’s too late now and you’ve made other plans because you thought he was obviously busy

He sounds like me. In person I’m normal but I’m awful at responding to texts. Sometimes it’s mentally draining, other times I mean to respond but just forget after dealing with something else.

I get called out all the time though which is what you should do, just make a joke about his slow replies and see how he responds.

I'm in the absolute hate texting camp. I find it monotonous and stressful, particularly if it's idle chit chat. And they can be so easily misconstrued without hearing tone of voice. I think the bulk of the population has normalised texting to the degree that a lot of people find just phoning and speaking to someone is scary/intrusive or whatever. As evidenced in one of your posts, OP, when you state you don't know how well a phone call would be perceived. I can't believe you and your man have never spoken on the phone.

Just give him a ring when you have a question in regards to plans. He may be like me and absolutely abhor texting. Or maybe has dyslexia and struggles as another poster suggests.

It sounds like it's so lovely when you're together so I'd go with he's into you and it's going well. Try moving from texting to occasional phoning and texting. And actually talk to him about it. If you're going to have a relationship communication is key! You also stated that you were used to texting a few times daily with your last relationship, which had 11 years of history. You and this guy are brand new and the level of contact will naturally increase with time.

I don’t think you sound like hard work at all. HE sounds like he can barely be bothered. No contact for a week?! Is this really how you went to be “courted”, to use an old-fashioned word?

I totally know where you're coming from in regards to making plans! I like to know what I'm doing in advance and I'm not happy to wait around for the weekend to see if a man decides to see me when I could be making other concrete plans with people who can be bothered to confirm with me. I just think is it really so hard to text back saying "yeah, Saturday sounds good to me!" Then maybe a text the nearer the time to say they're looking forward to seeing you? Just seems the polite thing to do to me. There's a middle ground between constant boring text chat and a little check in to let you know he's thinking of you and confirm plans and it sounds to me that's all you're really after and it's not a lot to expect from someone you're dating.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment and maybe mention it to him, it might be he just doesn't realise and you can gauge from his reaction whether that's the case or if he's just not bothered. Also if he's not answering you, call him! If he's funny about it then I'd find that odd since you have been seeing each other for a while.

I also hate texting. It doesn't mean I don't think of people, just that I don't like it. It actually makes me feel a bit cross, I don't really know why. I know I'm out of synch with how most people are now and particularly over the last few years I've noticed an upsurge in people saying they have anxiety about talking on the phone which was never a thing before everyone started texting so I do know I'm atypical but at the same time I'm not about to change. It could be he's like that. I wish I could meet someone similar tbh - everyone I date gives me grief for not replying to every single hi how are you message and it's fucking annoying.