Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

Be very very careful OP. He would hurt the kids. I know a woman who was stabbed to death by her partner. He also stabbed their teenage daughter to death when she came down to find out what was going on. You need to tell people irl and you need to get out.

It took me years to realise it was rape. It didn’t feel that bad either. But I was doing it to be allowed to sleep, so he’d just fucking shut up and leave me alone.

He’s being nice because of the police, not because of you. He’s doing it as part of the coercion, to control you and stop you going

Do not think your children won't be affected by this, they will.
Do you want that for them?
The person you are with is violent and unstable and Childrens Services will be concerned about how the children are safeguarded within this volatile situation - what will you tell them?

OP whether or not he would physically hurt the kids is not the issue. They ARE aware and they ARE being affected by it. They will hear the shouting and the police, even if they are too afraid to leave their rooms or tell you. They will sense the atmosphere and your fear and it absolutely will affect the way they grow up. If you have sons, do you want them to grow up thinking that behaviour is acceptable or normal? If you have daughters, do you want them to just accept that’s how they deserve to be treated?

Although some people manage to leave an abusive family life behind, the relationship between their parents is often the blueprint for their own future relationships. You need to leave.

He is very dangerous and likely more so now that you have phoned the police. Next time you won’t have a chance to phone them.
Ring Women’s Aid for advice
He needs to leave but if he won’t then be prepared to go somewhere with the children.
It won’t be easy but you are potentially at risk of great harm. He has harmed you already by repeatedly raping you.
You deserve so much better than this.

Also as @HopefullyAnonymous said, your children will be aware of more than you realise and are also victims of domestic abuse.

I don’t know how the counsellors and women’s aid workers etc. do it to be honest, they have the patience of saints.
I understand the dynamic behind why abused women stay, but I honestly don’t have the patience to listen to the excuses made for their partners after.
It gets me too frustrated.
Maybe it because I was one of those children upstairs, pretending to be asleep, who nothing was ‘ever done in front of’

OMG your poor children do you really think he wouldn’t harm them to get to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you must seek a way out and take advice, and listen to what everyone else is saying on here.

It doesn't matter if you believe your children managed to sleep through everything which happened, FGTV - they were in the house at the time a serious assault/abusive behaviours took place.

The police will have referred them on to SS - so be prepared for another call, possibly even a visit, and for them to want to talk to your children about this. Without you or your husband present to prompt them into saying everything's okay, fine, normal...

It isn't any of those things. Your husband is raping you. He is exerting control over you, in the nastiest of ways. And yes, the others are right - this will now escalate because you (thankfully) dared to call the police. He feels embarrassed by this, no doubt, and will use that as another rod to beat you with.

He's being nice to you right now? He should always be nice to you - not threatening, or abusive, or manipulative, or violent, or aggressive (be that verbally or physically). He should cause you to feel cherished, not so frightened that you fled your house, barefoot, at 3am!

Please listen to what the DV team and SS will have to say about this situation - take their advice on board, and understand that despite what you have convinced yourself, in your desperation to present this whole, sordid mess, as "normal"... your children will not be oblivious to what is going on around them. At all.

Take them. Leave your husband. Before he does kill you, or hurt them to punish you, because you have the audacity to say "no" to sex with him.

Fucking hell what have I just read?

OP how can you think this is ok? Ask your mum, or your sister or your friend if they think it’s ok. If you think it’s all that fine then you should have no problem proudly telling them about what a fine gentleman your husband is. But you won’t will you, because you know your husband isn’t a fine gentleman, he’s an evil sexually and emotionally abusive, and probably violent bastard.

I’m afraid you’re having yourself on if you think your DC don’t know what’s going on here. Kids aren’t stupid, and I’m assuming they’re not deaf and blind, so of course they’ll bloody welll know. They’ll be fucking terrified for gods sake.

OP his behaviour isn’t your fault and none of the shame is yours. What will be your fault however is knowing what a monumentally harmful and fucked up environment this is for your DC and doing nothing about it. Standing by and doing fuck all is as bad as being the abuser when the damage is done I’m afraid. You know how bad this is so don’t volunteer yourself or your DC for more of the same.

Jesus. Your poor children. They will most likely at the very least develop chronic stress and anxiety riddled thoughts from being brought up in such horrible circumstances hearing their mother being forced to keep the peace. You think they don't hear anything- but they do. What's all this about him 'being nice' to you? How does it excuse his behaviour? I'm sure that some serial killers came across as extremely polite and 'nice' even though they slaughter people.
You must realise that he will seriously harm you one day. It's not an if, it's a when.

You are normalising and minimising his abuse. That's how much of a hold he has on you. Your children are learning that this kind of behavious is OK. You really need to get yourselves out of there. Please make sure you tell the police everything. Take care of yourself, but run from the hills!

Hi OP. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. No one deserves to be treated like this. I feel so sad just thinking about how awful your situation is. Deep down you know you have to leave him, but he has worn you down/out. You're tired, exhausted and don't have the strength right now. This is how abuse works, he has tried every trick in the book to control you and you still said No/Called the Police. You ARE strong, he just messes with your head so much you feel weak. YOU ARE NOT!

You do however need support, you took an amazingly brave step forward when you confided in us. I would gladly offer to help you in anyway I can, because I care about you and your kids, I'm NW of England. But you need someone IRL who will help you.

You KNOW this is wrong, and you KNOW it will happen again. Please let someone support you.

Please leave.

He will be prepared next time to stop you phoning the police.

He had been raping you probably from the start and has conditioned you to thing otherwise.

Please leave

You know it's not okay. You know you shouldn't put up with it. You know you felt unsafe, that's why you phoned the police.

I hope you are able to leave before he does it again.

OP I know I keep coming back and I'm probably flogging a dead horse, but I can't stop worrying. It's clear that you feel things could be okay and you're clinging to that hope.

How old is your youngest child? Out of all three children, how many of them would you say were conceived because you WANTED to have sex with your husband?

This isn't a question I want you to answer publicly. I just want you to think for a second, about how deep it goes that you may have had - or may go on to have - a child as a product of non-consensual sex. If you found out that was how you were conceived, how would you feel for your mother? About your father?

How much longer do you want to live like this? Please be honest with yourself x

And the older your children get, the more likely they will be to challenge him if they feel they need to protect you from anything. At that time he WILL turn on them. Once they stop being babies and start acting more adult, abusers see them as targets like anyone else.

I too have been thinking about you and your poor children. Please try and secure your phone (or a spare phone) and I have a feeling he will crack down on you talking to anyone after this.
His 'nice' behaviour will not last and when it breaks next time you will need to be able to call for help.

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him

Abuse and rape. Sorry OP

As PP say, please, please leave. You're not safe. You know you're not safe.

As an ex officer, him being all sweet and lovely now is what scared me the most to read. This is when they are most dangerous, hes loosing control of you. Hes not being lovely, hes trying to convince you that he can change, theres nothing wrong, you were over reacting, trying to regain control. The house, money, that can all be resolved later. Get out now please. Or go to a police station. Please don't become a statistic. Call somone, do something, i cant stress that enough. Dont sit and wait for someone to call you. You can always message me, look after yourself, please x

You might not feel up to the whole leaving right now, but start to get sorted out in your head. Who owns the house? Would you have some support e.g. parents or friends.

Even if you like to pretend to yourself that nothing is wrong, you need to get away for your childrens sake. Can you record his threats on your phone? You cannot pretend his behaviour is normal, you really can't!

I ask only one thing OP: consider what advice would you give to your child if s/he came to you and told you they were being treated this way? Would you say "oh don't worry, it'll blow over now he's hard a short, sharp shock"? "It can't be that bad, s/he seems lovely"? "I'm sure he only hides your phone to play silly"?

Or would you tell them to get the hell out of there and not look back? Get their shit together and get their kids away from this monster?

You're doing what feels right because you've been conditioned to be accepting of him and how he treats you. I guarantee that your children will have an idea of what he does to you, I would be my last penny on it. Do better for them, if not for yourself.

I think you are wrong about how poor you will be if you divorce. Phone a solicitor. Or look up some facts on divorce boards. I expect you are in a stronger position than you think.

He isn’t being nice

He is biding his time so you start to let your barriers down again