Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

You need to take the call from the team at a time when you are able to speak freely and honestly. Don’t try to gloss over things when they call and make excuses.

Have a bag packed ready in the car, scan documents you might need, post the children's birth certificates to your parents for safe keeping. Always have the correct car seats in the car. Be ready to pop to the shops and not go back.

My now exh did this, then shortly afterwards he stopped me leaving the house, told me to say goodbye to my dd as I'd never see her again, he then smashed up the downstairs phone, my mobile phone and physically stopped me from leaving. He'd follow me round the house verbally abusing me. When I tried to physically leave he then decided it was a good time to hold me by my neck and pin me to the floor, basically strangling me. I tried to get out if a window, he pulled me down and I smashed my head on the floor, knocking me out for a minute.

When my youngest woke needing a nappy change I managed to get the upstairs phone, ring 999 and put the phone under the bed. Thankfully the police turned up and arrested him. He never set foot back in the house.

I'm scared to think what might have happened had me not forgotten about the phone in the bedroom. I remember him telling me 'he could do this all night if he needed to'

Don't hang around to be in a situation like mine. I had Ss involved as the kids were in the house etc. It was a very dark time for me

This is terrible.

I'd never want to have sex with him again.

He's a dangerous bullying abuser.

My brother and I would sit at the top of the stairs listening to my parents arguing. They thought we were asleep. We heard everything.

I will tell the police everything I've said here.

He was annoyed when the police left as they did not go in to say goodbye to him and he said they had him marked as a "criminal" because of me overreacting and calling them.

He is trying really hard at the moment, I think this is maybe a wake up call for him as he's being very nice and is going to try and get some help for him.

I don't feel unsafe now. I can't face the upheaval of leaving over this and I have nowhere to go. I genuinely don't believe he would harm the children.

To the poster who asked what I would do if he was horny again.. in all honestly, I'd probably just have sex with him because it's easier to keep the peace. Of course I realise that is a shit situation to be in but I don't have the resources or strength to do anything else right now.
I will start making plans though.

Thanks for all your advice, it doesn't feel as bad as you say but maybe I'm just used to it after so long.

On ffs

Your husband is raping you 3 times a week

Leave

You don't feel scared any more? That's still not a good reason to put your children through all of this hell. That's not fair to them at all. Don't think for a single second that they don't know what's going on - and even if they don't, they soon will.

He's a manipulative fucker isn't he? I wouldn't go for counselling with him. Too much opportunity for further mind fuckery.

It’s crazy that you don’t think it’s that bad that your husband is raping, verbally abusing and threatening violence to you.

How old are your children? I’m sure they know exactly what’s going on.

How would you feel if your kids were subjected to this or behaved like this?

Him being nice is a method of control to stop you leaving. He is dangerous. He will kill you or your children. Reading your post is horrifying, I wish you could see it.

Don’t be another woman who ends up a news story.

Are you going to advise your own daughters to stay with men like this? Men who bully and threaten them into having sex with them? That's called rape.

Are you going to tell your boys it's ok to treat women like this? Coerce them into sex? Also, called rape.

FFS. Please tell the domestic abuse follow up call what is going on. They can help you get out.

I get the impression he really really doesn't think he's done anything wrong, or is doing anything wrong on an ongoing basis.

That says a lot about his psychology.

Please read the book "why dies he do that" that I put a link to earlier in the thread. It's a readable version, not a link to buy it or anything.

Don’t have counselling with an abusive man, ever.

It won’t get better. He may be more subtle about it as you’ve given him a scare but it won’t get better. This is his worldview.

Do you really think you will see a permanent change in him after one visit from the police op? I give him a week at most before he’s threatening you again.

You are not safe with this man.

I do think he thinks he owns you/you are a possession and the sexual routine is part of that.

His methods of coercion show he has no shame, no integrity, no decency.

His threats against you and your family (who exactly did he mean do you think re the people he was going to "fuck up"?) .. maybe they're "talk" (pathetic, chest beating, bullying, pretty psycho talk) or maybe they're indicative of worse, or real potential serious violence. The experiences of some others would suggest they could be. Which means you and others - but esp you - could be in danger.

Even the fact that he clearly thinks like that, and that he'd threaten that - towards you (someone he's supposed to love lol) and to others you care about ..... This man is not a decent person or partner.

You need to make plans asap. I'm sorry.

I have been reading threads on this part of the site for a couple of years and in truth i believe that some of the women who have posted are probably dead from the hands of their partner by now and we've all read about it in the papers.

I don't think he just threatened to kill you OP I think his comment of is it more important to protect his family or get what he wants was a threat to his children.

This man is an abuser
This man is a rapist
This man is spiralling and under current lockdown situation could easily become a family annihalitor

Then your neighbours who all think he was funny and charming will talk about it in the press that they cant believe it because he seemed to be such a good guy.

Get. Out.

I'm not victim blaming you, you and your children are victims of serious domestic violence, but if he harms your children to punish you the police will know you knew his violence was escalating and you didn't try to get them out of this situation. It's so hard to escape domestic violence. Reach out in real life for help to get out safely

Op, follow your gut instinct. You were frightened enough to call the police. That's not any way to live. Go!

it doesn't feel as bad as you say but maybe I'm just used to it after so long.

Boiled frog syndrome.

What a very sad thread. There's no more I can add, However, I think I would prefer to sleep rough than be raped and threatened constantly.

Op please talk to people irl, your family anyone.

This is not your shame and not your wrongdoing, it's his.

You've gotten stuck over years in a situation of trying to appease him and with with him because you were invested, attached, had kids with him etc. These people take advantage of that, it's despicable.

This woman is never going to leave. Maybe in a few weeks time we'll be reading about what a lovely man her husband was, and who would have thought this could happen and she'll just be a side note in her own demise.

Like PP have said its fucking tragic but I've read this same thread countless times on here. These bastards never change and why should they?