Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated

I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Op, this all abuse.

Abuse, pure and simple.

They aren't arguments, it's abuse.

That's been ongoing for a long time by the sounds of it and it's enough, more than enough to get out - even without the threats of violence and harm during the latest episode of abuse (not "argument").

I was in a relationship where I would have said we had quite a lot of arguments about me socialising separately from him, but when I looked at them with a bit of detachment and perspective .. I realised they're not arguments. We might call them that and some other (badly informed) people might call them that but they're not. Its us being verbally & emotionally abused because we're not obeying their unreasonable, controlling rules.

This is so disturbing.

I would absolutely not want my child around this disgusting pig of a man.

Cut your losses and get out now OP.

@FGTV it is a lot to take in and I’m sure your head is reeling but your situation sound serious and dangerous.

The words he used and the manipulation over the years - not letting you sleep, hiding the keys etc because you said no to sex, what the actual fuck!! What a disgusting piece of crap he is.

You seem to have minimized his behavior over the years and your boundaries are very weak. Please read some books that have been suggested - “why does he do that” and watch some YouTube videos about boundaries. The fact that you say you would just have sex with him, to keep the peace tells me that your boundary are non existent. He’s bloody lucky you haven’t cut his balls off, never mind having sex with him!

Please wake up to what he is actually doing to you. Your life (and your kids futures) is worth more than this, surely!

The resources are out there and you do have the strength to do the right thing for you and your kids. There is help out there. As for feeling too embarrassed to tell family/friends about his behavior - wouldn’t they prefer to know and help you out than attend your funeral. Swallow your pride, you’ll feel stronger after telling people and not hiding your feelings all the time.

Being pressured to have sex or "pleasure" someone when you're not meeting them enthusiastically in terms of desire etc. or to their timetable/schedule .. is abuse.

Being accused of cheating when you haven't is abuse.

Being called a slag etc. is abuse.

Being deprived of sleep and being instructed getting to your work until you do what someone wants is abuse.

That's not even touching on the threats he made during the latest episode.

You've out up with it for far far too long a d he's conditioned you with every tool in his arsenal to do so .. but as someone already said you're still in there, you still know right from wrong, you called the police .. you're strong. Many another person who's been ground down and conditioned for years would not have.

he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated

Total side point but .... Well he can have a fucking wank then!!! Has he got the use of his hands?!
That's what everyone else does, male and female, if they're partner's not in the mood or does t have as high a sex drive.

But is it really about sex drive or about control and ownership as well?

In any case sounds like he sees his part of as a live sex doll, there to meet his needs and service him. That's not what sex or a relationship is about.

He needs psychological help - not that it would work.

*sees his partner

@HopefullyAnonymous

OP whether or not he would physically hurt the kids is not the issue. They ARE aware and they ARE being affected by it. They will hear the shouting and the police, even if they are too afraid to leave their rooms or tell you. They will sense the atmosphere and your fear and it absolutely will affect the way they grow up. If you have sons, do you want them to grow up thinking that behaviour is acceptable or normal? If you have daughters, do you want them to just accept that’s how they deserve to be treated?

Although some people manage to leave an abusive family life behind, the relationship between their parents is often the blueprint for their own future relationships. You need to leave.

Exactly what I wanted to say. You are incredibly naive to think that your children are untroubled by this. If you don't think you're worthy of saving from your DH, at least save your children. They are innocent and powerless in this. And I am absolutely sure that they are at risk one way or another.

Please keep coming back to let us know you are ok though

I think you should have a sit down and think about what life would be like without him.

Think about the evenings when the children are in bed - you can take a nice bath, watch a film, pamper yourself and know that when your tired and ready to go to bed, you will not have to have forced sex with that prick.

Think about movie night with the kids where you can completely relax because you know that nothing is expected of you later on

Here are a few things that I bet you think about every day

• im dreading bedtime because I know I've got to have sex

-im scared to tell him I've got a headache in case he goes in a mood because he knows sex is off the cards -im scared to tell him I'm on my period because he will be horrible to me but I'm also relieved that I'm on my period because I get a week off sex duties! -in scared that one of the children will wake up at 'sex time' which will mean an extreamly late night for me as I'll have to sort out poorly child and then sort my prick of a husband out

Think about that OP...it's no way to live. Look at all of the positives to come out of leaving the bastard. Youll feel free, youll be happy, youll be relaxed, you'll have control of your life!leaving him will be the best thing you ever do.

Christ op. Why did u post on here if you're not going to take the advice that hundreds of us have given? He will end up killing you and you'll be another statistic.

Please. For the love of fuck, get yourself and your babies out of the grip of this vile man.

Your are being abused please seek help.

www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/abusive-relationships/sexual-abuse.htm

If you can't do it for yourself, think of him harming your poor innocent children and find the strength to leave for them. They didn't ask to live in an abusive home.

MarkRuffaloCrumble

I can't tell anyone in real life what's happened!!!

Why not? This is not your shame to carry - it’s his.

This.

Why not?
Would you not be more embarrassed to tell them that this happened and you did nothing if this escalates?
Which it most certainly will?
He basically threatened to kill you and you know it.

OP if you split with him you could be entitled to benefits (as I presume you will take the children with you) and possibly free childcare (I don’t know the ins and outs these days) because you are working but in a low salary (his won’t be taken into consideration).

If there is equity in the house it could be sold and the money split in whatever way but you’d defo get enough for a small deposit so you can get a mortgaged flat of your own. Or you could get a rental. If you and the children left and we’re homeless the council legally has to home you.

You have options. Please go on shelter or women’s aid websites as there must be loads of info. Womens aid was set up to help people like you who just want ‘him’ to stop being horrible and have a happy life.

But he won’t stop. Once he thinks the charges are dropped he will be nasty again. He’s used to sex and won’t want to stop. He’s a horrible person. No role model To DC. You and your kids deserve a good life but not at the cost or you being raped three times a week.

Please tell the police everything. They could get a restraining order or something that would really help.

Don’t feel bad for him. He knows what he did was wrong that’s why he’s stopped. He doesnt care about you. Just his dick. And losing face in front of neighbours.

You deserve better. Not a knife in the chest the first time you tell him No to his sex pestering in a few weeks time when he’s forgotten all of this once you’ve dropped the charges. Don’t drop em. If he is innocent let him prove it. He can’t.

You feel safe ‘now’ but if you wait till he goes off it again he’s going to get your phone away from you and/or hide your car keys. Then you’re in serious danger. It has got worse over time and it is only going to continue to get more dangerous for you and your children.

You are married to an abusive rapist OP.

I would count on him taking your phone before you can use it next time.

Could you keep charged a hidden phone in your car so that you have access for the next time.

He knows he's now on the police's radar.

I think you should have your house flagged by 101.

I absolutely believe from what you have written he has threaten both you life and the lives of your children.

He is a hugely mentally disturbed man who rapes you on a regular basis.

Please tell someone IRL so that if something happens to you, they can speak on your behalf.

Your gut got you out of that house.

You are now doubting your gut feeling.

He is a very bad man.

Please don't lie to yourself further by telling yourself your children don't know well that they live in a very scary house.

You deserve a safe home.
So do they.

OP your post has sent a chill down my spine. I'm sorry for not adding anything additional to help but I wanted to comment so you can see the number of people who are horrified by HIS behaviour.

He is an abuser, how long has this been going on? I'm assuming he didn't behave like this before you married?

And I'm sorry if this is upsetting but your DC will know. Can you imagine if you wake up and can hear your DF speaking to your DM like shit? Your DC are probably in bed terrified to get out of bed.

Please leave for you and your DC.

OP he did threaten to kill you , he told you to text people 'while you still have the chance'
The kids could have easily heard all the shouting and commotion.
Men like this NEVER change. My ex did it to his first wife , to me , and now to his third.
Please leave him , I know it's not easy with children and no money but I'm honestly worried he might kill you. Sorry.

He is robbing you of the one opportunity you get to be the best mother you can be. He is robbing your children of a safe, happy and secure childhood that is best case scenario. There is more than one warning sign that he will put someone's life in danger, either yours or your children's. Your children are not safe and today only you can get them away from him. Reach out and get help. You can do this

"I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?"

At the very least @FGTV you've had an overwhelmingly unified response to your original question.

Will this even get any better? - No
Will it be like all the other times when it's fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again? - Yes
Maybe this is the wake up call? - No

It's not a wake up call. It's the beginning of the end. You need to decide who controls that end.

Why did u post on here if you're not going to take the advice that hundreds of us have given?

So helpful.

How many attempts does it take for someone to leave an abusive relationship on average?

Do many posters on here expect a (totally conditioned) woman to leave within 3 minutes of posting, and are putting them down for not instantly doing so or saying they'll do so. Do you think they need put down and shamed by another person? Every thread with someone in a real predicament people do this.

All we can feel.on here is offer as much perspective advice and support as we can ... People rarely get out of abusive relationships instantly.

Op I'd say we all want you to leave but we also want you to keep talking and getting advice in here, someone will always answer you.

People are concerned there's a real potential physical/violent threat that he's escalation towards .. please do factor that into your thinking.

You also would hugely benefit from getting past this shame & embarrassment which is not yours to carry and getting some real life support. He's taking advantage of you not having any to mess with your head and minimise his behaviour - his behaviour is insane btw.

There's a difference between saying "I will leave immediately" and saying "Yes I can see what is happening is not right and I may need help".

Nobody reasonable is expecting OP to pack a bag and send a picture of her safehouse. They just want her to see she's in danger.

Okay. OP, you are a mother but you are thinking like a child. The police are not mind readers. They cannot help you unless you help yourself. You need to leave because a man who says these things to you means you physical harm and has the means to terrify you into compliance. He will certainly up the ante after what he perceives is your tantrum in calling the police but let me be really clear;

He hates you, enjoys frightening you, and thereafter raping you. He would not bother with any of this unless he absolutely enjoyed what happens and in particular he likes you pretzeling yourself into bits as he does it. This is more fun for him and you have ruined it but also now it does give him an excellent excuse to really do something that will incapacitate you next time!

Leaving is not easy but you need to plan quickly, and discuss what has happened to you with a friend. Preferably a friend that he never liked and you had to stop seeing. The one that he didn’t want you to see. Plan it together.

Then leave. Ignore his calm demeanour and niceness. He turns it on and off like a tap. It should scare you shitless that he does this. Well adjusted people do not behave like this and you should leave as soon as possible.

wizzywig
"please please start making secret plans to leave"
Well said PP, he was making threats, telling her to contact the people she loved while she still could. That must have been terrifying.
OP, you have been with him a long time, but cast your mind back, have you heard anything about his behaviour with previous GFs?
Your next move is down to you, but you did absolutely the right thing calling the police.