Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

You're not going to leave him are you op?

Im relieved that you've posted, OP. When the DV person calls, please be as honest about the situation as you possibly can. Use the things you wrote in this thread to help jog your memory. Make sure you tell her about the "say goodbye" and "fuck people up" threats.

Did you mention those specific threats to the police?

Also OP remember that it’s ok to me scared and confused- leaving someone like this feels like a huge and unrealistic step at the time, but once done.....is life changing for the better! You can choose for your life to go only one way if you want to......and that’s up!

Tell them everything OP.
This is a nasty case of abuse and coercive control.
He learnt nothing from you calling the police.
He believes you and your body belong to him.
They do NOT!
It is your body.
I'm glad the police have referred this to the domestic abuse team as this is really horrible to read.
You deserve so much better than this abuse and so do your DC!
Hopefully they can help get you away from all of this!

Ffs 🙄

Darling, i know you don’t believe anything we are saying to you.
But try to believe it because many of us here, been through what you are dealing with right now and even worse. Its starts exactly the way you described it.
Search up on google on manipulation,thats the first step. Then you will see for yourself.
We cannot make decision for you.
Bit similar thing will happen again.
And actually you will be in better position afterwards. Some moms doesn’t have eligibility to benefits which you will get.
You will be able to cope i promise you that.
In other hand if he really is sorry then he will take actions towards his behaviour and will do whatever he can do to change.
Its up to you how you decide but be sure you and your children are safe.

and wants us to go to marriage counselling

Why marriage/couple counselling when you're doing nothing wrong, when you'reacting reasonably.

The same isn't true of him.

He needs to have therapy/counselling on his own, ... Though I'd hold out little help of it working. And whether you should stay there being abused (and call if what it is .. raped, because sex through nagging and badgering and pressure and blackmail is rape, whether it's date rape or your partner) is highly highly doubtful.

His behaviour is deranged.

They say never to have joint counselling with an abuser, and he is one.

I'm so sorry he sounds extremely disturbed and I agree with everyone saying just leave. Men like this follow abusive patterns and a minority use their children to punish the mother, as in abduct, hurt, frighten or even kill their children. I hate writing this but you are making excuses for him because of your horrific abuse. If he can rape and threaten to kill you his children will just be a weapon to him that he can use against you to keep power and control and keep you in your place. This is an emergency situation you need to escape

*little hope of it working

The police officer filled out a questionnaire and said that someone from the domestic abuse team would phone me.
So I will tell them about what's been going on when they call.
Please do. Even if you secretly think we are talking a load of bollocks, or exaggerating. Tell them what's been going on and see what advice they give you. Even if you don't think it's that bad, if they suggest that you need further help, go along with it just in case there's something in it.

When you can't tell other people because it's too bad, that means that some part of you knows it's really bad.

You wouldn't have to do these things on your own. There's support out there. People whose job it is to help those in your situation. You're not being a burden on anyone by using those services - that is what they are there for.

Hi OP

Just read your own words here:

The children were all fast asleep in bed when this was going on, he wouldn't do it in front of them.
*
He was shouting after me to come back*

You must know that they know what their dad does to their mum.
They are not asleep, they're alone in the dark, afraid and sad.

It's time for you to take steps to protect yourself and them. He could easily kill you all.

Please leave OP. This will get worse. He has already threatened your life. What more will it take?

Do NOT have joint counselling with an abuser OP.
EVER!
HE needs help. HE gets help. HE has counselling.
You could definitely do with some yourself - on your own.
You need to understand why you aren't seeing this as you should.
Do that once you are FREE!!

He’s not bothered you were scared. He’s bothered about the neighbours seeing the police.

Next time he will make it harder for you to call the police

I don't feel scared or threatened at the moment, he's being really attentive and is sorry

But what if he decides suddenly that he feels horny and you don't? Will you feel at all scared then?

He didn't actually threaten to kill me.
At some point he told me to text the people I loved while I still had a chance.

That is a threat to kill you.

My brother and I were those children, lying in bed pretending to be asleep because we were scared. Different circumstances in our case, but if you think your children slept through that (and previous incidents) you're entirely wrong. Our parents never knew we were awake either, and would have said the same as you.

He is going to kill you.

Wake up. Get real and get out.
Your children need their mother. They can not grow up with their mother murdered and their father in jail. It will destroy them.

There is no going back from this. I am praying the police have notified social services.

This is basic hat I was going to post.

I'm crying just reading your posts OP.

PLEASE LEAVE HIM!!!!!!

Please make sure you tell the police everything you have said here and take whatever help they offer however disruptive it might initially appear.
I can't believe he asked you for sex after the police had gone, he's really not right in the head and very dangerous.

I know your mind must be all over the place with everything that's going on. Please try to remember that if something bad happens to you, and he is responsible, your children will end up in care if they're lucky enough to survive. Even if you think it's worth giving him a chance, please remember that it's not worth risking the future of your children for this piece of shit.

Oh my word. This is really awful just when I thought I'd heard it all. Op you need to leave. I think you know that. You took a brave step calling the police and absolutely it was the right thing to do. He has been raping you. Intimidating, threatening, bullying you into having sex with him is rape and now he's threatened your life. He's being nice now so you will minimise his behaviour and he can reel you back in that's how these people get away with it for so long. X

Oh. My. God. This is terrifying to read.
I think you are in great danger.
I think you need to go and make a statement to the police about everything he's done and how long this has gone on for. Failing that I think you need to write it all down and leave it with a trusted friend. In a sealed envelope if you wish. Just in an "if anything happens to me please open this" kind of way. You need to confide in someone - even if you don't tell them everything he does, you need to tell them he is always demanding sex, won't take no for an answer and frightens you.

I think you are in great danger, you must confide in someone.

This is rape. Consent obtained through coercion is not consent. Contact women's aid, take legal advice, get out.

I haven't got anywhere to go, I can't tell anyone in real life what's happened!!!

Then stay and subject your children to his behaviour and late night police visits etc.

He wouldn’t do it in front of the children = he knows what he’s doing is not acceptable and can hide it from the children

he didn’t actually threaten to kill me doesn’t tally with he told me to call people I love while I had the chance. What this actually meant was if you don’t give me sex / let me rape you, I am going to make it so you cannot speak to loved ones ever again.

• He also said if I didn't love him to fuck off out his house and that he would fuck people up. He said he would drag me into his car and take me to my parents house.* = let me rape you or you will be homeless, away from your children, I will hurt people and it will be your fault

He was shouting after me to come back, that I was going to make things far worse for me and I panicked that he was coming after me so I ran straight out of the house with no shoes on and got in my car = you felt you were in danger of physical harm to the point you left your house in bare feet in order to get away, all while he was shouting threats about how much worse you’re making it because you won’t just let him rape you.

• Afterwards when he was rational he apologised for scaring me, he denies saying about texting people while I've got the chance and that I know he would never hurt me. He said he's gutted that it came to me ringing the police.* = gaslighting you by telling you something didn’t happen and minimising how scared you were. Adding guilt to the mix, implying that you were overreacting to calling the police.

He is irritated that I moved my car to the front of the house so the police parked outside the neighbours house and they would see = he’s scared someone is going to ask you and you’re going to tell the truth. He knows what he did was wrong and that other people would judge him and defend you if they knew.

OP you are not over reacting. If you can, look up coercive control.
It may help you to write down what happened, even if it’s not in the right order, along with other instances like this, so when he gaslights and you question if you’re being dramatic / was it that bad / did he really say that, you have an account to help you.

If you are still questioning if you’re overreacting, think of this happening to a friend / sister / daughter. How horrified would you be? How desperate would you be to drag her out of that house and keep her safe? What would you advise her to do?

Please tell the police everything when they call you.