A question about how abusive people view their victims after they leave?

[Fightingback16]

I’ve approached this subject before on a thread. I asked whether abusers know they are abusive. I was kind of content with the answer that they don’t, they think a different way to “normal” people. Now I’m not sure what I’m working with.

I’m looking at a potential court case over custody. I was thinking about how he views me now. Does he view me as the same women who I was when we were together. Does he have no idea what’s happening or why I’m not cooperating? Does he see himself still as the victim?

Or, does he know that I know he abused me, is he hoping and relying on the fact that I’m too damaged to act now? I’m making dam sure I’m not too damaged at all!!!

I’m just wondering a little on how he thinks in order to work out how to tackle this. I kind of need to know thy enemy.

Personally I think just go to the police and tell them everything you've told us here. Yes I completely get why you have alarm bells ringing. He has threatened using your child as a way to get back at you. He expresses extreme attachment and makes grand gestures, even though in reality he's not up to the practicalities of caring for her, especially given her allergies. And he's a drug user. He sounds at least thoroughly unfit to look after her on his own.

There's a good chance he won't take you to court.
If he does, the court will be interested in how you offered contact and he didn't take it up.
You can ask for initial contact to be in a contact centre.
You can ask for the order to require both parents to take care of dad's allergies.
If it all goes horribly wrong, you can go back to court.

There have been some great posts here, but if you try to think too far ahead, you will get overwhelmed. If you're lucky, he'll get bored and stop doing this. Otherwise, you will cope, one day at a time.

And you shouldn't have stayed, because you will heal and be a better parent to her than you could have been if you were still with him and numbly surviving.

Sorry was a stupid thing to say. I left because I was having a breakdown. Because the day before he demanded his wedding rings back or else he’ll cut my fingers off. The next day he threatened my life, pushed me out the door with dd locked in the house with him. There was no staying.

You're right, that's horrific. You left. You've done the single biggest thing you needed to do. You can handle the rest, bit by bit.

I believe you that he’s awful, abusive and violent. I’m sure that most posters in this thread believe you. But the court won’t because you don’t have proof he’s abusive to your DD.

If you have any ( like witness statements, police reports, medical reports, photos ) you need to get them together now and give to your solicitor.

Yes I’ll get all my evidence up together.

The system is very flawed indeed. Stopping contact with a healthy father yes is damaging and yes innocent until proven guilty. I know I’ve done it for the right reasons. Surely the courts can sus out a women who is just vindictive? I have no experience of court so just guessing.

I don’t believe that domestic abuse and child abuse are two separate issues. I know you guys do not either and are just telling me like it is. How do they expect a women (and child) who has suffered many years of domestic abuse to be able to sit rationally and think about handing over their child to that man. Think about the best interests of the child. No contact in my opinion is the best.

What they going to do in 10/20 years time if/when she is suffering from the effects of a narcissistic father.

I really have had my eyes open to the world and how to be honest it doesn’t give a f**k. I would be screwed without the support from my local DV charity. They want to know how to cut crime and drug abuse, start with these small children.

I know there are thousands of people in my position. During lockdown non accidental child injury rose 5 times. There are massive problems in society and the courts don’t have the time to worry about one case. It’s easy to just say the easiest solution. But then all they create is a child who snowballs into an adult who needs more help and more money spent on them. Then they have kids who end up probably in the same situation.

This is why you need legal advice. You can’t just go to court and say I’m stopping contact. You need to think smarter.

Anyway, it’s not even got to court yet. It’s not going to yet. So twisting yourself in knots is just getting drawn back in. Explain what you want to a solicitor. Respond either with delay tactics or whatever is best, for your DD, and then keeping living and stop ruminating about his motives. I’m worried you are getting so drawn in to his mind.

Also, I am in agreement with you. However the courts do not see abuse of partner and child abuse hand in hand. Weirdly enough, if you are a woman and you don’t leave a DV situation you will be seen as culpable, for putting your kids at risk, for witnessing abuse on you is now seen as abuse of the kids too, however if you then afterwards voice concerns about contact, then the courts are not sympathetic unless there is a clear direct risk!

This is a completely contradictory!

So play smart. I had a situation where my exes family were abusing and bullying me through our child on contact visits, and in my view trying to alienate me from my child, it’s long story, however when I talked to a solicitor about that she said we couldn’t bring it up at all and had to find other reasons to safeguard my child from them. It’s a nightmare but find the right legal way, even if it’s not morally the right way.

OP it's 10 years since I left my abusive ex. Last year he repeated some of the (disgusting, potentially career-ending, imprison able but absolutely baseless) threats he made during our marriage. I reported him to the police this time, as I've changed a lot since then and not prepared to be bullied still. The police took it seriously but as there were only bits he'd foolishly repeated by text it was mostly verbal, they couldn't press charges.

He knew what he'd done, and said. His response (bearing in mind 2 dcs) was to block me entirely. He either chooses to think that the threats he made weren't serious or malicious and I've escalated it to the police to make himself out to be the victim, or that up until that point, no matter what I did to get away from him, that nothing he did was abusive.

I'd love to hear what he told friends and family about some of the shit he put me through, and why he chooses not to see his kids. I'd bet my house that they have no idea of the half of it.

I do believe my ex never thought I'd have the balls to finally, finally, say no more.

I don’t want to get drawn in. It’s a bottomless pit of a space I’d get drawn into. I’m honestly not interested in fighting with him or getting payback. If I do sound like I do then I’m just trying to make light of situation but I’m not serious. All I want to do is to protect our daughter from him. How can I feel that I have done that if I let her go. It’s a really horrible position to think about giving an abusive, dangerous narcissist a trophy child. I may as well just tell her to go play on the motorway. I’m really struggling with the idea.

If/when he gets contact then I’m already drawn back in and will be effected emotionally trying to deal with the fall out. She is my world.

I want a time machine!

How am I going to know if he drives the car stoned and drunk like he always did before. When I said I was scared he put the breaks on and threatened me to shut up or get out, with dd in the car. He couldn’t be bothered using the car seat, so how will I ever know.

How do you guys with children get through this. You must be very strong by now.

I am of course way head of myself.

My problem is I have no trust and after studying the type of abuse I suffered it’s not something he will be capable of building.

He will forever put his needs first. Whether it be phone, supervised or non supervised every single thing he does will need to be of benefit to him.

What kind of contact do you guys think is appropriate for an abusive narcissist? I will bare it all in mind when I talk to the solicitor?

How did your talk with the solicitor go ??

I rang quite a few and got a lovely one earlier she went through so so much with me

It's not easy

She just replied with there will be no contact agreement and told them to look back at the letter that was sent mid Dec which listed the reasons why contact was stopped.

Hang on what do you mean no contact agreement?

Does this mean court is next?
Will he even go for court?

Stay strong
I'm going through it

It is so horrendous

Yep, his letter demanded contact or else he will apply to court so I’m suspecting court is next. He probably will apply.

I’m scared about it all and terrified of seeing him in case my anxiety gets triggered.

I’m trying to remember what others have said and that I have time. I can’t imagine given the current circumstances it will be processed quickly! I hope anyway!

Yes exactly

You have time

Father your thoughts

Get advice from many agencies

First hearing is brief

The next may be 2-3 months after that??
I'm not sure
Check this out

I'm not sure he will proceed. I imagine his solicitor will be quizzing him about the objections to contact. Any sensible solicitor would be counselling his client to make an out of court contact proposition. And go from there.

Yes I know the car thing. Such power, having someone locked in a car - they love it :((

He was always worse in the car, on holidays, anywhere where you have no escape.

I’m not sure about the solicitor. They are a cheap online company so whether they are able to give him great advice I’m not sure.

Ok well you need to find someone good
And think ahead

Dreadful man

And yes to the car and being away on holidays

Prime time for them to get at us
I was told I would be flattened to the ground on our first family holiday with two babies in my arms 😢😢😢😢😢

I was told to shut up or I’d get “bitch slapped” on the morning of our wedding. What lovely men!!

I have a good solicitor, I was sent to them by my IDVA so they must have good experience.