A question about how abusive people view their victims after they leave?

[Fightingback16]

I’ve approached this subject before on a thread. I asked whether abusers know they are abusive. I was kind of content with the answer that they don’t, they think a different way to “normal” people. Now I’m not sure what I’m working with.

I’m looking at a potential court case over custody. I was thinking about how he views me now. Does he view me as the same women who I was when we were together. Does he have no idea what’s happening or why I’m not cooperating? Does he see himself still as the victim?

Or, does he know that I know he abused me, is he hoping and relying on the fact that I’m too damaged to act now? I’m making dam sure I’m not too damaged at all!!!

I’m just wondering a little on how he thinks in order to work out how to tackle this. I kind of need to know thy enemy.

*gp

If you get a single one more threatening message, get yourself to the police and show them all those threats, you may want to bring with you a list with the most threatening ones to be straight to the point.

If the threats are serious enough they can make protection more available to you or put you in contact with charities that can get help you to get a non molestation order. That could come very helpful in court.

The police are involved. I finally found the courage to call them when he came to where I’m staying trying the break the door in and screaming our daughters names through the letter box. Then I called them a further 2 times when he came over. I stupidly at the time because of the PTSD completely withdrew and didn’t send off the non-mol. But it is prepared now and ready if he comes again.

What a moron re the lunches. Don't take him to court, let him take you if he wants to see herthe longer you put it off the older she is, the better. Record everything and write it down to get your thoughts straight and good luck to you and your Dd.

For my scenario, again very different to yours I thought about what was important to me so Mothers day and my birthday she's with me, so the opposite she's with him. Christmas - I didn't want her having to leave her toys half way through the day or having any up heaval so I wrote in 12 Christmas eve to 12 Boxing day and we alternate her birthday and Christmas. He is meant to have her one day a week pick up from school till 6pm and EOW. And the court was very happy with this arrangement. Realistically he does the midweek one but works retail and DD doesn't like sleeping over so I'm more flexible generally he has her Sundays instead, unless she has a sporting fixture birthday party etc and if he is off on other days during the week sometimes he picks her up then too.

However, that was only put in place after about 9 months of being at the contact centre and slowly building up contact in a public place and was I think about our 3rd court hearing. And we are 10 years in now so have become more flexible with Dds changing needs.

A lot of people have said to me that he doesn’t really want contact he just wants to get at me. I believe he does want contact, it makes him feel good to have a daughter who adored him became he buys her gifts when out in public. At home is very different. That’s what he wanted from me, he wanted me to always look up to him. I think he will take me to court, he needs the supply. What worries me is that she is a feisty little girl. She will say no and tantrum. He used to msg me to come and get her early because he’d shouted at her because she was being difficult. I’m worried what happens when she doesn’t behave like his cute little daughter.

I was very VERY passive, I was like a little lamb. I always did as I was told I created a complete alternative universe I lived in to survive him. Which I’ve been told has got me through and out. I never spoke up, apart from the time I brought up his weed and he pushed me into the radiator then smashed up the place 12 years ago.
What will dd do, will she learn to please him like me. Will he disgusts her if she doesn’t comply. It’s scary!

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I have found silence is my biggest weapon. When I react he gets worse and almost enjoys it. He also chooses to ignore one of his children and only have the other one in his care - the courts have allowed this!

*discard

He'll paint himself as the victim stop wasting energy on him

If you want to outmanouver him....

Start giving your child age appropriate techniques to shield themselves from his manipulation /abuse.

Everything in emails and set up a separate account so messages can't keep popping up.

If he is late to collect he misses his chancr, go out to the shops or whatever.
don't plan anything for immediately post return time.

Never ask for flex on custody stick to it religiously and report any infractions EVERY time.if you ask to swap days he'll start fucking about on the basis "you asked for flex". If he asks for flex don't give it either as he'll fuck you about on the basis "it wasn't a problem before"

Do not pack clothes for your child while they stay with him. You will be making a rod for your own back. He needs to provide clothes on his watch. Let him complain you are a bad mother etc. for not doing it and ignore.

This is part of the reason I want a court order even if he does get access. It’s something solid to work on and something I can go back to court for if he abuses it.

Before when I tried to be amicable it didn’t work at all. He’d change all the arrangements. Book courses on his days. Not turn up then turn up randomly at my door asking to come it. It caused absolute meltdowns with dd when he’d turn up when she was getting in bed. He was always drunk come upstairs in my house wake her all up then go. Often she’d drop to the flood in hysterics that he only stayed 5 mins. I’d send all the food and clothes, clean the house and garden for him, for her. He’d scream down the phone and in my house if I couldn’t accommodate him. He’d make me go into his house to pick her up where’d he’d shout at me further and threaten me in-front of dd. If nothing else an order would stop this.

I know a lot of that is directed at me but he does it in front of dd so that to me is child abuse also. Also the neglect and the use of dd to evoke me emotionally I’m sure is child abuse. But I’m not the judge.

A judge does not know what is in your head. Just remember that to a judge, you are equal. I think @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime's post is an excellent example of the right approach to show in a court, with specific and practical steps to solve issues. Having read that, I wouldn't hesitate to agree about things like 12 Xmas Eve to 12 Boxing Day as the reason is completely logical and makes sense for children.

If he gets contact and he is not a good parent to her, it is still better (a million times better) than living with the abuse every day. Think of it like smoking. It would be better for her to be exposed to 0 cigarette smoke. But realistically being around a smoker and getting passive smoke for a few hours a week is a much much better situation than actually smoking yourself and having that poison in your body 24/7.

Having your home as her safe haven will show her that there is an alternative to abuse, that it is not simply "normal" or what love is. She will have space to recover and heal from any adverse experiences she has there. And with this she will be able to cope overall.

In court I would focus on the allergies and stress that you do not believe he is able or willing to keep her safe in that way. You can also say that you are afraid and cite intimidating behaviour.

Well my mildly emotionally abusive person did many of the things on here:

• smear campaign. His entire family cut me off cold. Oh well!
• rewriting history to make himself the victim
• squabbling over absolutely every tiny thing in an attempt to regain control. Ie had to have the last word about child residence patterns, demanding absolutely everything was agreed by a solicitor.

He did in fact have a brief period where he recognised that he had anger issues but that's all dealt with now, apparently! Hmm....

I’m not sure how mine can re-write history when he basically admitted to it. He’s been fired from jobs. He had a young girl in hysterics at one place because she was left in charge and my h didn’t think he had to do what some stupid little girl told him so told her about herself. Next job had a gay man pinned against the wall because..oh I don’t know because he was gay I suspect and dared to talk back to my h.

If he applies I’ll just say what I have to say and see what happens. As for contact I don’t know what to ask for atm.

I’ll have to just admit and deal with the fact that I had a child with an idiot.

I’ll have to just admit and deal with the fact that I had a child with an idiot.

oh love there is a HUGE club of us with you on that!!!

But yours is a dangerous idiot. So let a professional document everything and let that unemotional third party protect you and your DD in court or wherever.

I understand about the universe you needed to create in order to get you and your child through and out of the jungle. I had to do the same. I just haven't really told anyone about it yet. Not even myself.

So you did good. I'd wait to hear if he goes further with anything. If he is so stupid as to go to court, your solicitor can tell everything. And he'll be lucky if he durant end up in prison. (If ever there was a case for exiling people to inhospitable islands, he'd have a guaranteed seat on the boat!).

if he doesn't end up in the clink

I just watched some videos on Youtube about malignant narcissism by a Dr Ramani. They were really helpful.

Thanks @ponchek. Make sure you have support when you open up that universe. It happened to me half way through the freedom programme. I was told to go by the lady I sought mediation from. I went, I spoke and I let the door open unknowingly. I had a week where I broke down. I couldn’t find my identity, I honestly thought I was loosing my mind and I was terrified. I pushed it all deep down, all the times he pinned me and screamed in my face it all came out. I had my IDVA who helped me face my reality. I’ve never been more afraid, all the fear for 13 years spilling out. Gives me chills but I’m much better now.

Abuse is terrifying, what it does to people. I was dead mentally, I have very few memories. I got up and went to bed and survived the day. Courts don’t understand,
Social workers don’t understand. There needs to be much more help for people.

My ex went to prison over the things he did to me, He STILL presents himself as the victim and me as the villain to people, which blows my mind. I know there are strangers out there who have commented to friends of mine (who are no longer in contact with said strangers or my ex) that "Ollie was no angel" and "well [incident] was an accident" or "Ollie used to start a lot of those fights".

He's also tried to explain that it all happened because I was so emotionally abusive that he had a breakdown and that was why it got physical. I wasn't emotionally abusive, by the way. He also blames me for his drug habit at the time, for his drinking. And I am a monster for taking away his opportunity to be a father.

Some men won't change, can't change, and you just need to be super practical about protecting yourself and your child from them. If you can get a professional to deal with them, do it. Minimise direct contact as much as you can. Treat him like a disease. Shield yourself and your DD as much as possible.

I think, sadly, a judge may well award some kind of contact if it goes to court. If he must have contact, aim for a supervised contact centre where you don't have to deal with handovers maybe? I don't know how likely that is to work, but I know of a couple of victims of domestic abuse who have ended up with that sort of arrangement.

This man sounds like a loose cannon, a liability, he will likely shoot himself in the foot, dig his own grave etc, just get as far away from him as you can so that when he self destructs nothing hits you

Exactly as a PP ponchek said - my ex has never stopped viewing himself as the victim, gaslighting, creating his own version of events, mocking, bad-mouthing , blaming and controlling. The thing is, he genuinely believes it all. And he will never ever change. I left him in 1998 and he still does all this, just via our grown up son now.

He has got very odd indeed. When I went into the house there are spiritual books everywhere, afterlife and angels and a book on drinking your own urine