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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A question about how abusive people view their victims after they leave?

203 replies

Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 23:23

I’ve approached this subject before on a thread. I asked whether abusers know they are abusive. I was kind of content with the answer that they don’t, they think a different way to “normal” people. Now I’m not sure what I’m working with.

I’m looking at a potential court case over custody. I was thinking about how he views me now. Does he view me as the same women who I was when we were together. Does he have no idea what’s happening or why I’m not cooperating? Does he see himself still as the victim?

Or, does he know that I know he abused me, is he hoping and relying on the fact that I’m too damaged to act now? I’m making dam sure I’m not too damaged at all!!!

I’m just wondering a little on how he thinks in order to work out how to tackle this. I kind of need to know thy enemy.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 11:47

There was also a lot of bags of new designer clothes and bags of health foods and supplements .

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 11:50

Since I left last year he has been on two 10 day meditation retreats!!!!

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Doyoumind · 23/05/2020 11:53

Mine sees himself as the victim. It's laughable. I think his new victim also sees him as the victim. She is of course 'his saviour' and doesn't realise she's another victim. You need to come to terms with the fact they never accept fault, which is incredibly frustrating.

Notmyrealname855 · 23/05/2020 12:03

Hello... have a sort of experience with this (DV childhood). This isn’t very helpful but... sometimes it isn’t healthy/useful to wonder about it too much. I obsessed about it, because my mind couldn’t find any angle that made sense, I just couldn’t grasp anything rational from their behaviour. I tried and tried again, I relived bad experiences repeatedly to find some reasoning. I wanted that to help with closure, to go “ah that was why” and end the story as it were.

But I never found the “reason”. I was exhausted trying to do it, doing mental gymnastics to get a reason. The side effect of which was I was allowing it too much space in my head, so the DV was still “the norm” and occupying my mind and life even as I was trying to analyse it.

Not very constructive! But it’s a good thing to not understand their behaviour, it reinforces how inhumane it is Flowers

Notmyrealname855 · 23/05/2020 12:05

And try and believe it doesn’t matter what they think, if they think their the victim or whatever. That doesn’t always help you keeping to take steps forward. As pp have noted it’s useful in strategic dealings with them, but not useful to your sense of self or self esteem or value as a person

StayinginSummer · 23/05/2020 12:10

@Notmyrealname I agree. I think we have to fight against ourselves too - we were so used to our energy and thoughts revolving around the men. What they were feeling. Whether they cared. What they were going to do next. All focus on them.

The focus has to be prised off them. Thoughts centred on us.

OP your main question is very illustrative of this. It doesn’t matter what HE thinks of you. It only matters what you think of you, what you feel is best for your DD, and how best to get it. You can’t preempt what he will do. Grey rock is good not only for dealing with him but also about you. Be boring in your own thoughts about him.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 12:16

I’m not interested anymore in finding out why it happened to me or closure. I get he is damaged and a mind like his is not reasonable. I’m just wondering about how he sees me and people so I can get into his head a bit. What does he want inevitably, not why. Why is because he’s mentally unstable.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 12:19

From all the advice I can see that what he wants is to just go to court be a victim, lie and cry probably, maybe implode but basically seek to carry on destroying.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 12:24

I’d love to study it, I find it all fascinating how people’s mind works and how it serves to protect you.

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B1rdbra1n · 23/05/2020 12:27

he wants power and control, he's not able to obtain that in any kind of a good or useful way he's too damaged, too far gone
all that's left for him is punish and destroy anyone and everything that he can, he won't care if he destroys himself in the process as long as he can make everyone else suffer
That's my take on it, retreat to a safe distance...and then retreat some more

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 12:34

Don’t worry I won’t be having any contact with him. If he comes I’ll call the police. He told me at the end if I take his child and his house and make him loose his job then he will go to jail because he has nothing left to live for. I take this threat seriously.

I’ve stopped contact. I’m applying for financial proceedings (he is yet to know that) I’m prepared for trouble.

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C0RA · 23/05/2020 12:50

I’m not sure how mine can re-write history when he basically admitted to it. He’s been fired from jobs. He had a young girl in hysterics at one place because she was left in charge and my h didn’t think he had to do what some stupid little girl told him so told her about herself. Next job had a gay man pinned against the wall because..oh I don’t know because he was gay I suspect and dared to talk back to my h

Ok you have a problem here. You think that the above is proof that he’s a violent and dangerous man. Many people on MN might agree with you.

Unfortunately the family courts won’t. Although they talk a lot about the rights of the child, they are very VERY focussed on the rights of men to see their children, if they want to.

The court will not care about your evidence because they DONT see him being violent to your DD. They have tunnel vision -

“ Oh yes he’s violent to various other adults but he’s said he’s sorry and he looks really sorry and there’s been no report of incidents in the last six months, which is proof that he’s changed. And he really loves his child and there’s no evidence at all he’s been violent to her.

“These food things were just mistakes, easy to make. And his solicitor has evidence of all the lovely gifts he’s bought her . The CAFCASS official asked the child if she liked sweets and gifts and loved her daddy and she said yes. So that’s proof that she should see her father”.

So please listen to the wise posters who say that you need to stop under estimating him and start working out what contact you will agree to, if this ever comes to court.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 13:02

Yes I do get that my concerns will probably be overlooked, maybe they will be looked at. I need to have a good hard look at contact. I’ll be honest I don’t want any so how I’ll come to an acceptance I don’t know. At least my concerns will finally be voiced and he will have to stick to whatever the court advice.

When they do grant contact I hope that they will be happy if dd ends up damaged and in danger.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 13:11

On this letter from his solicitor yest warning me to give contact or he will apply to court. It says my client admits to smoking weed recreationally but he would never do it in front of dd and he is not a danger. Lies and what an odd thing to say. Whilst in his care she found and hid his lighter under her cot bed and scorched the carpet. He laughed! I’ve pics of lumps of weed on the floor.

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B1rdbra1n · 23/05/2020 13:20

It's the solicitors job to spin everything in favour of his client, you should expect that and be ready to counter all the claims that he makes
what he said about he'll go to jail if you take this that and the other from him, this is probably a pretty standard threat from abusive men but to me it suggests that in his head he will blame you for anything and everything bad that happens to him and then seek to punish you.
A person such as him is probably always going to be surrounded by chaos and trauma, probably the best you can do is drop off his radar then something else or someone else will come along to be a target for his rage.
Maybe one day he will get help and become a better person of himself, but it seems unlikely and I would never trust him.

B1rdbra1n · 23/05/2020 13:22

Give contact or he will apply to court
this is probably a bluff🤔 they know that applying to court will not go well for them but they hope they can intimidate you into feeling as if giving contact is your best option
(Disclaimer:I have no experience of how the courts work so would defer to anyone who does)

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 13:37

They have no idea, he has hired the cheapest online solicitor he could find.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 13:40

Also says something along the line of you must be aware that courts always promote contact so it’s pointless in your client not cooperating.

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Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 13:40

Just making me want to bring it all on even more!

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B1rdbra1n · 23/05/2020 13:47

I'd be wary about having an open fight with him because unless you can destroy him so badly he will never get back up again he may always be a threat to you.
think about those very subtle dance like martial arts where you use your opponent's force against them
But I can only speak in the abstract and there are those on this who have good experience with these things

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 13:48

I mean the threats about court action just making me want to take him up. I will of course be my usual dignified self!

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5LeafPenguin · 23/05/2020 14:16

💐💐💐 to you OP.

Well done for getting you and your daughter away. No advice re courts and smaller children ... will leave that to others but wish you the very best.

My xdh is still angry. I dont think it ever goes. Part of the process for me has been to understand that there is for him no eventual 'treat me with respect' point and thats it's best to stop myself hoping for it.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 14:31

Thanks. I was naive when I left. I didn’t understand my husband. I thought I was free of him but really I’m not. I’m as free as he treats our daughter.

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dublingirl653 · 23/05/2020 14:33

My best advice and my gosh I feel for you

Keep a clear head
Do not underestimate him !!!

Have a list of key dates

Can you get good legal representation?
It is so hard but stick to what you want

I read I really good book
How to annihilate a narcissist in court
Written by a lady who has been in our position
She is clear about the language to use and the jmpact it can have

Your poor DD
Just an innocent child

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 23/05/2020 14:42

She is a beautiful little girl who deserves the world. I know she won’t stay small forever but she is so innocent and loving. Why would he want her to turn out anything like him. An abusive drug addict who harmed himself then found out he could harm me instead. His sister was an alcoholic who climbed and fell from her balcony and is now paralysed. He should want better for her.

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