A question about how abusive people view their victims after they leave?

[Fightingback16]

I’ve approached this subject before on a thread. I asked whether abusers know they are abusive. I was kind of content with the answer that they don’t, they think a different way to “normal” people. Now I’m not sure what I’m working with.

I’m looking at a potential court case over custody. I was thinking about how he views me now. Does he view me as the same women who I was when we were together. Does he have no idea what’s happening or why I’m not cooperating? Does he see himself still as the victim?

Or, does he know that I know he abused me, is he hoping and relying on the fact that I’m too damaged to act now? I’m making dam sure I’m not too damaged at all!!!

I’m just wondering a little on how he thinks in order to work out how to tackle this. I kind of need to know thy enemy.

Him and his family are toxic and you are so right just attract chaos.

I think paying a really good solicitor who is used to dv for a consultation here would be worthwhile.

I have a solicitor that I have just moved to that was reconnected by my IDVA. The other one I had didn’t have a clue about coercion. God know how I’ll pay for it all. He has all the savings and the house so can’t get cash.

Playing devils advocate.
If all of these allegations I’ve brought up were deemed true but I never left him what would the courts do then. Would they look down on me, would it be less acceptable in that instance. I bet social services would be in my back for staying with an abusing man!

What happens to women who are found guilty of abuse to their husbands. Do they get access like men do to their kids or are they looked at harder?

I'd hope they are aware that it's hard to leave abuse, and that they would understand that you put strategies in place to shield her while you were there and by always being there.

IDK what the gender differences are.

Oh well what will be will be regarding court etc. He hasn’t even applied yet so it’s all speculation. I need to get a grip of myself first tho because if I have to face him I don’t want to cave. I’ve recently been diagnosed with Chronic fatigue syndrome. I stupidly told him, it was just after I left when I thought he was a nice man just a bit angry. He told me to avoid stress as it “can be very dangerous” to my health. Every time I have a letter or need to deal with him it triggers me. I don’t want to be triggered but I don’t seem to have control of my body.

OP I think you’re getting too carried away with trying to read his mind. The fact is that you can never know what another person is thinking or what they might do. By trying to work out how to put manoeuvre him you’re getting wrapped up in playing his games.

In my experience of a horribly narcissistic, abusive, lying, vindictive trouble making ex the best way to wrong foot them is to just keep playing things straight down the line. Stick to your purpose, don’t allow yourself to be diverted by game playing and stick to facts.

Think about it, these abusers are mind benders. Their first and only instinct is to twist and turn, parry and deflect. They are also in the main made reckless by their desire to win. They might not be to start with, but the more desperate they get the more likely they are to trip themselves, talk themselves into a corner or just let the mask slip. The mask always slips at some point if they aren’t getting their own way. What could be more wrong footing in that case to a person who ducks and weaves, than someone who just keeps pushing forward and gets straight to the point?

The worst thing you can do in my experience with one of these types is tie yourself in knots trying to predict where they’ll try to strike. While you’re doing that you’re still devoting a lot of mental and emotional energy to them, and your goal is to get to a point where you don’t expend any at all. Remeber, they want to play games with you, they want you to play their games and dance to their tune, and when you don’t it really throws them off. By trying to work out what he’s thinking you’re dancing to his tune and he still maintains a degree of control. Dance to your own tune, take control and you’ll find he’ll show his true colours, and if that’s during a court case then the court will see it.

Yes you are right. It won’t matter to him whether I’m sad, happy, moved on, damaged, healed, face turned blue. I won’t matter like I didn’t before. The difference is from now on I matter to myself.

My exH definitely sees himself as the victim as I left him (and he suspects for someone else, which is kind of true, no affair but I met someone I had a connection with and realised what life could be like). As he sees himself as the victim it allows him to ignore the throwing me to the ground after I had a miscarriage. Grabbing me round the neck when I had our newborn in my arms.
Abusive language calling me a c**t, moron etc infront of our children. Opting out of any care of our babies - literally every night waking was down to me whilst I was also the higher earner.
Anyhow, I left him so he is the victim.

My ex was manipulative and an arse. I left him 3 years ago. He plays the victim to everyone, hates it when he is questioned. He has harassed me and my friends.
He tells everyone what a bitch I am and how much he hates me yet he bought the house next door to me.
I have a non mol against him and he still pretends to be the victim and wants people to feel sorry for him.
Some people listen to him, he has friends that follow me around and take photos of me, they abuse me on fb.

He says nasty things about me on fb and to absolutely everyone.

I have given up trying to understand his mindset. I look back now and can see he has always played the victim. It doesn't matter what it was it was always someone else's fault.

I continue to get on with my life and hold my head up. I know the truth and that's all that matters.

He doesn't care and he shouldn't me trusted in anyway.
And what I mean is as soon as he starts acting nice or cooperative be aware that it isn't how you believe it to me.

My dad told me ' they don't think or have empathy like we do' the first reaction is probably the right one.

I compared a recent letter requesting his stuff and one when he was manipulating me and the words maybe different as the contents is but the theme of manipulation is the same.

He's wants
Second = oh I would like to see ds.

Both time ds comes second. Because ds is second on his mind after himself.

Jesus @iloverockbe bought the house next door. How did you cope with that?

I think I’m finding the belief that this is REALLY happening and could happen for a long time hard. When I left him I’d completely broken down mentally and physically. I 100% believed I was weak and to blame. I felt absolutely terrible I’d broken up the family but I knew that I couldn’t stay with him. I tried to co-parent as hard as I could because I felt guilty. I thought me going was what he wanted because it was clear he hated me because I was just a crap wife. He confused the shit out of me with his suicide msgs, then the threats, then the begging etc. Then the freedom programme opened my brain. My thoughts that we were big enough despite everything to coparent the person I thought we both loved more then we disliked each other would be workable. Court cases and abuse was never on my radar.

Sorry wrong tag that was for @iloverock

I want the rest of my life free of abuse. I thought by leaving I would be free and he would be free of me.

www.scarymommy.com

Well that just about cleared it all up for me.

Ok so to get to him in court (and I am only joking) I need to make light of his “micro dick”. I’m pretty sure that’s where his narcissistic low self esteem comes from. I wonder how many times I can get (pay hugely) my solicitor to include the works micro and dick into my statements!

@Fightingback16
It's horrendous

I've realised the hard way that the best way to deal with abusers is to finally acknowledge that it simply doesn't matter what they think at all. Focus on YOU and what YOU think and feel . Their thoughts and perceptions are irrelevant .

@Fightingback16 your mind seems to be running away a bit on this. Top tip, write down every worry you have on some paper, file it away and give it to the solicitor. I work professionally and attend court regarding tax, and the approach isn't too dissimilar.

I ask my clients do the exact same thing, as we then counter off every concern with a factual piece of evidence. If it comes up (e.g he accuses you of abuse) then we have an ace up our sleeve to deal with it and squash it immediately.

Yeah I will do. I’ll have a meeting with my solicitor also. They specialise in domestic abuse so she knows what to expect.

Get some support in for yourself mentally. This is going to be rough, so asking for help right now sure as hell isn't weakness... If you need a quick cry, don't punish yourself for it. Its human.

I have an amazing IDVA with a lot of training who has been invaluable, I trust her to talk to.

So back to the “micro dick” comment in court... “ Narcissists are Highly reactive to the slightest negative assessment—whether real or imagined—they can easily lose control of their rational faculties”

Would be like adding mentos to coke!