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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being fair on my bf needs advise asap.plz

129 replies

Pocketdragon28 · 21/05/2020 20:26

Hi

My boyfriend and I been together 3 years and broke up 3 weeks ago due to his temper issues..
I.knew he had a temper but not to this extent.... it started June 2019 when we moved in together ..he was very stressed as never lived with anyone before and bought alot of pressure upon himself with rent Bill's etc and had a melt down..trashed the place and name calling he felt he wasnt being listened too...I forgave him his parents said he put alot of pressure on himself to give me a perfect home and on himself...
Sept 2019 it happened again...he changed jobs to a job that wasnt very good money wise etc and was getting stressed. He wasnt coping and had a breakdown. Trashed the place again name calling etc.telling me his house his rules etc..I walked out and left him....he was sorry and promised it would never happen again...I went back after 2 weeks. He tried anti depressants for 2 months and took himself off them. As said he was ok...
He did contact NHS about counselling he had a first review but nothing came off it he was told it was a long waiting list ..
March 2020 he had another outburst. I accused him of doing stuff on his phone jokinly .it was a joke he was in a happy mood we was mucking about then suddenly he went mad . Put all my stuff in spare room, emptied my wardrobe and drawes and threw my clothes onto spare room floor and told me he needed space and I had to sleep in there till he was ready...he said he dont like being accused of doing stuff on his phone...I said sorry and explained I was only joking as we do...anyway i slept in there 2 nights then he accepted i was sorry he said he been stressed about work etc etc wasnt coping.
May 2020 some DIY he was doing was going wrong he started getting stressed. I told him he was doing a great job etc and dont worry if we need anything I go to shops to buy it..he then started calling me names and saying he wants to do a good job even though I dont want a nice home etc..anyway after couple of hours he went mad and threw food in the bin I just bought and my dinner I was cooking in the sink saying his house he wants me out . He threw me out.....inwentbto family been there ever since.
I have 3 kids that live with there dad. He never bonded with youngest. My youngest has adhd and can be hard work and lipy and excitable etc but when my boy was rude like kids are he couldn't cope with it and used to tell him off harshly. Saying horrible things to him. ..Even though I asked plenty of times let me deal with it the punishments etc..His parents says becouse he is not used to.kids and never had any so dont know how to react.etc ...my boy is 11...now my boy dont like him and stopped staying over cos of it...he used to wet the bed and my bf couldn't cope with it. He started off ok after a couple of accidents but then after a while he used to say I tell your mate etc your notba baby etc.... In the end my bf said he is only allowed to stay over unless he wears pull ups...trying to explain to a now 12 year old he can only stay at mummy's if wears them...anyway by boy wont stay over now He makes that clear..my other two 18 and 17 get on ok with him as older...
Since he threw me out he been saying he was sorry. Misses me etc etc etc He sàid he was stressed being out of work and being on furlough and trying to.pay the Bill's etc it got to.much and the DIY pushed him.over the edge as it was going wrong. He did say I didnt help going on and on and on about going to the shops and I wasnt listening to.him. made him.mad....
I told him.i been through this 4 times in a year.i cant go through it no more. All the slagging off. Slagging my boy off. He dont do that about the other two just my boy about his attitude...Trashing the house, throwing food everywhere and promises.loads of promises...
I told him he needs counselling anger management and to go bk on tablets or somthing...
Finally he has agreed..finally even though he feels he isnt that bad as long as I am with him.and support him he cant do it alone...he wants me home to support him...But I am.not prepared to.move back yet..
I thought I get my own.place on a 6 month rental. Be with him support him. We get to know each other again start talking ... date nights etc. As we havent had that since Sept 2019...start again...

But should I or had he had his chances
I dont think he like the idea anyway but he may surprise me

Please help

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 21/05/2020 20:33

Just leave it, he's done enough, nobody needs this headfuck in their lives. You've gone back to him too many times already.

Pushingnic · 21/05/2020 20:35

I wouldn’t if I was you! He’s shown over and over what he is like. If he was that sorry the first time it wouldn’t happen again! And not getting on with your son is not good! I wouldn’t be happy living somewhere or with someone that my son wouldn’t stay at/with! He does have anger problems but it’s not up to you to help him or support him through it only he can help himself!

AbiBrown · 21/05/2020 20:36

Do yourself and your children a favour and cut him out of your life. Do you still have anything at the house? Whose name is it in?

LilyMarshall · 21/05/2020 20:39

Fucking hell op. Get some help now. Do not let him back in your life. Do the freedom programme so you dont end up in such an awful situation again.!

TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 20:40

Your poor children.

You are thinking of putting them back into that.

How can you even consider it?

You told him he needs tablets and therapy? My love you need those every bit as much as him. Your head is bonkers. You are making shockingly bad decisions. Do the Freedom Programme. Call Women's Aid.

Elieza · 21/05/2020 20:41

You are not right for each other. He freaks out if you have an argument. It’s happened on repeated occasions. He’s telling you who he is. He’s not a nice person. He needs to go on this journey himself to grow up. You helping him won’t actually help him long term.

You need to put dc first and stay the hell away from this man. He’s not the one. You know that.

Plenty fish in the sea that are better and more compatible than him. Don’t buckle. I know you feel he’s not that bad and better the devil you know etc but you’re wrong. He’s not for you. Your partner should be your equal. He’s not.

Battysace123 · 21/05/2020 20:43

Please please do not go back to him. He has major anger and mood swings issues. You are worthy of love and of someone who treats you with respect and understanding. He disrespects your son and for me that would be a deal breaker, 100 percent.

gamerchick · 21/05/2020 20:44

Why do you keep posting about those. You know what the answer is.

I can't get over you choosing this specimen over your kids. He's a cock, ditch him for good.

RantyAnty · 21/05/2020 20:48

Cut this horrible abusive man out of your life and never look back.
Do the Freedom Programme.

Your poor son being abused by this arse.

rvby · 21/05/2020 20:52

Jesus your poor son. Why on earth did you choose this horrible man over your boy!!!!

How much worse does this relationship have to get before you end it for good and stay gone? He is a violent person who is so horrible to your son that the poor child won't even stay over with you any more. Isn't that bad enough??

Please get support around you and stop seeing/speaking to this man, he is a waste of space and the way he behaves towards you is abusive, he could go to jail for this behaviour. It doesn't matter that he is stressed etc. there is ZERO excuse for him abusing you, being violent and alienating your child!

LovingLola · 21/05/2020 20:53

Presumably he’s run out of money now and wants you back so you can pay for everything again

bibberdybobberdyboo · 21/05/2020 20:55

Your 12 year old lives with his Dad because of your 'bf' and you think that's ok??

TheGirlWithAPrince · 21/05/2020 21:01

I cant believe you have an 18 year old... I thought i was reading a post from someone at least under 24 ...

I would just walk away, stop throwing hope at this relationship. Its toxic and it is never going to work.

BlueJava · 21/05/2020 21:04

Sorry i only read half your post. I stopped when i got to the third time you went back to him. Just finish with him and leave permanently.

LilyMarshall · 21/05/2020 21:05

And a 19 year old daughter living with her auntie.

Op, come on. You know this guy is trash

CocoR · 21/05/2020 21:05

You need to get your own hone, by yourself, where your children are welcome.

This is absolutely toxic. Yes, absolutely get your own rental.

Original poster
Pocketdragon28 · 21/05/2020 21:05

His house council tenancy in his name he would never put me on it cos he thought if he did I would kick him.out and bring my boy to.live with me so he wont ever put me on it....no he threw my stuff out when I.left I had to collect it ....he got my kitchen bits left there

OP posts:
Original poster
Pocketdragon28 · 21/05/2020 21:09

Sorry to bother you all x

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 21/05/2020 21:10

Is this not the kind of behaviour that will escalate to a physical attack on you, OP? (I think it is!)
Please keep away!
Why on earth would you go back so someone like this????

Original poster
Pocketdragon28 · 21/05/2020 21:10

I am tired and exhausted ...whole thing has shook.me up..i thought haves the one....starting again in.my 40s

OP posts:
merryhouse · 21/05/2020 21:10

Good lord.

DO NOT GO BACK TO THIS MAN

Do you have a job?

Definitely try to get your own place - but not so that you can see him.

Whispersinthemorning · 21/05/2020 21:10

How can you even consider getting back with him? It’s awful. You should be concentrating on trying to become a decent mum to your son

Original poster
Pocketdragon28 · 21/05/2020 21:16

Is this emotional.abuse?? I am scarred. Very tired. Withdrawn...empty and totally confused over it all...how did I get here what did I do so wrong

OP posts:
VioletVerity · 21/05/2020 21:17

OP as someone who grew up in similar environment to your 12 year old when I was younger.. the worst think you could do is go back to this man. In fact to be even clearer - DO NOT go back there EVER

You have no idea what impact this is having on your poor son, stop putting your priorities first and think of your own son. He's 12 for god sake, he shouldn't have to see or put up with this when he sees you. He shouldn't be questioned by you're twat of an ex boyfriend telling him to wear pull ups - that's disgusting. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't have "told" your ex to stop telling your son off - I'd have told him to fuck off & I'd left him for being such a piece of shit.

And as for how he treats you, people like him never change. You know you deserve more than him.

TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 21:19

You got there by going back there again and again.

When you step into snake infested waters and they bite you, get out, stay out. Don't go back over there then wonder why you keep finding yourself in a snake pit covered in bites.

You are literally on here talking about how you think you should get back in the pit. Then moaning about how come you are constantly in the pit.