Am I being fair on my bf needs advise asap.plz

[Pocketdragon28]

Hi

My boyfriend and I been together 3 years and broke up 3 weeks ago due to his temper issues..
I.knew he had a temper but not to this extent.... it started June 2019 when we moved in together ..he was very stressed as never lived with anyone before and bought alot of pressure upon himself with rent Bill's etc and had a melt down..trashed the place and name calling he felt he wasnt being listened too...I forgave him his parents said he put alot of pressure on himself to give me a perfect home and on himself...
Sept 2019 it happened again...he changed jobs to a job that wasnt very good money wise etc and was getting stressed. He wasnt coping and had a breakdown. Trashed the place again name calling etc.telling me his house his rules etc..I walked out and left him....he was sorry and promised it would never happen again...I went back after 2 weeks. He tried anti depressants for 2 months and took himself off them. As said he was ok...
He did contact NHS about counselling he had a first review but nothing came off it he was told it was a long waiting list ..
March 2020 he had another outburst. I accused him of doing stuff on his phone jokinly .it was a joke he was in a happy mood we was mucking about then suddenly he went mad . Put all my stuff in spare room, emptied my wardrobe and drawes and threw my clothes onto spare room floor and told me he needed space and I had to sleep in there till he was ready...he said he dont like being accused of doing stuff on his phone...I said sorry and explained I was only joking as we do...anyway i slept in there 2 nights then he accepted i was sorry he said he been stressed about work etc etc wasnt coping.
May 2020 some DIY he was doing was going wrong he started getting stressed. I told him he was doing a great job etc and dont worry if we need anything I go to shops to buy it..he then started calling me names and saying he wants to do a good job even though I dont want a nice home etc..anyway after couple of hours he went mad and threw food in the bin I just bought and my dinner I was cooking in the sink saying his house he wants me out . He threw me out.....inwentbto family been there ever since.
I have 3 kids that live with there dad. He never bonded with youngest. My youngest has adhd and can be hard work and lipy and excitable etc but when my boy was rude like kids are he couldn't cope with it and used to tell him off harshly. Saying horrible things to him. ..Even though I asked plenty of times let me deal with it the punishments etc..His parents says becouse he is not used to.kids and never had any so dont know how to react.etc ...my boy is 11...now my boy dont like him and stopped staying over cos of it...he used to wet the bed and my bf couldn't cope with it. He started off ok after a couple of accidents but then after a while he used to say I tell your mate etc your notba baby etc.... In the end my bf said he is only allowed to stay over unless he wears pull ups...trying to explain to a now 12 year old he can only stay at mummy's if wears them...anyway by boy wont stay over now He makes that clear..my other two 18 and 17 get on ok with him as older...
Since he threw me out he been saying he was sorry. Misses me etc etc etc He sàid he was stressed being out of work and being on furlough and trying to.pay the Bill's etc it got to.much and the DIY pushed him.over the edge as it was going wrong. He did say I didnt help going on and on and on about going to the shops and I wasnt listening to.him. made him.mad....
I told him.i been through this 4 times in a year.i cant go through it no more. All the slagging off. Slagging my boy off. He dont do that about the other two just my boy about his attitude...Trashing the house, throwing food everywhere and promises.loads of promises...
I told him he needs counselling anger management and to go bk on tablets or somthing...
Finally he has agreed..finally even though he feels he isnt that bad as long as I am with him.and support him he cant do it alone...he wants me home to support him...But I am.not prepared to.move back yet..
I thought I get my own.place on a 6 month rental. Be with him support him. We get to know each other again start talking ... date nights etc. As we havent had that since Sept 2019...start again...

But should I or had he had his chances
I dont think he like the idea anyway but he may surprise me

Please help

You still haven't answered OP - did your son always live with his father, or did he live with you until you were with this man?

It's important because you need to acknowledge the choices you have actively made, the consequences of them and your plans for getting back on track with your son.

I think you're starting to understand the size of the hole you're in, OP. You didn't get there on your own, though. As well him clearly abusing you, his parents have acted as flying monkeys or at least as apologists. They said:

I forgave him his parents said he put alot of pressure on himself to give me a perfect home and on himself...
So he trashed the house due to the pressure of needing it to be perfect? Sure, that makes sense.

His parents says becouse he is not used to.kids and never had any so dont know how to react.etc .
But you were supposed to take his instruction on what your ds had to do if he wanted to be able to stay?

There is no point bothering to try and understand why he acted the way he did. Put your energy into understanding why you acted the way you did.

anyway i slept in there 2 nights then he accepted i was sorry he said he been stressed about work etc etc wasnt coping
He threw you out of your own bedroom until you said sorry to him?

And yet he feels he isnt that bad as long as I am with him.and support him he cant do it alone...he wants me home to support him...

But you were with him during all of the incidents you've mentioned. All the times when he had a so-called breakdown, when he couldn't cope. You were there. And all he did was use you as a punching bag.

It won't be 'different this time'. Except that you will feel even more responsible for his behaviour (since presumably any further outbursts will be the result of you not being 'supportive' enough).

I would suggest that you rent a place and tell him you will be supporting him by staying away whilst he gets his shit together. His behaviour is neither your fault nor your problem. Your focus should be on your children and yourself.

@Pocketdragon28

It’s good that you’re getting clarity on what you need to do for your son. I’m guessing you grew up in an unstable environment with poor relationship role models and it’s led you to make some poor decisions about your own relationships. The idea that it is reasonable to respond to stress by smashing things up is absolutely ridiculous - that’s toddler behaviour. Anyway, block this man on everything - let his parents look after him. Not your job to do so. But it is your job to look after your son. Make him your priority and stay single for now.

OP you don't love him, you love the idea of what he could have been to you but never was and never will be. You'll never understand why he did those things and that doesn't matter. He's history. Look ahead, not behind.

His family sound as selfish, irresponsible and inadequate as he does.

Please concentrate now on moving forward. You're starting again with the clothes you stand up in, that's scary but also exciting. You have a job, a caring family, DC who clearly love you. These are a marvellous start. Try to figure out what you want your life to be. Make a list. And bottom of the list should be another relationship. You need to get you right first.

they kept saying relationships are hard

If being in a relationship doesn't improve your life, why be in one?

He got to sell his car as cant afford the bills etc

That's why he wants you back - you were subsiding him despite earning far less. He doesn't care about you, he just needs your money so he can keep spending what he wants to. Oh, and so he doesn't need to cook or clean up after himself.

No! Absolutely not!

Do not put your children or yourself in this position ever again.

He will not change. He has shown that over and over.

Please,FGS leave him!

Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does.

He could promise you the world; that he'd change, be a great partner, stop abusing you and your boy.... but do you think he would actually DO that? Or just say it to get you home?

He doesn't seem to have the emotional maturity even to recognise what he's doing.

You don't have to be with him. You shouldn't be with him. He shouldn't be with anyone and I am appalled that his parents have tried to explain away his behaviour.

Chin up, straighten your back and ignore every word that the lying tosspot tries to throw you. You can do this.

Good God. NO. Do NOT go back to this man.
He has serious issues. They are not issues you can help him with not should you even try.
He is violent and he has trashed the place a couple of times already. How long before he attacks you?
He called you a slag and he was horrible to your son.

Block him completely. Block his family members too.
He is dangerous.

You still haven't answered OP - did your son always live with his father, or did he live with you until you were with this man?

No answer on this so I assume you previously lived with your son, moved in your new boyfriend, your child's father had (from the sound of it very valid) concerns about your son staying with you for as long as your new boyfriend and he then asked you to choose between maintaining custody or your boyfriend continuing to live with your child. And you chose the second option.

Am I close?

Whaaaaaaat??? I couldn't believe the first part, that you'd have any question about the right thing to do being to leave him
Then I got to the bit where you have three children that you are subjecting to this
Then I got to the bit where he's slagging off your son.

I know people have difficult lives and make different choices to ones I would make but WTAF?

You need to never ever see him again and you need to seriously evaluate the choices you make in relationships. This is so far beyond acceptable you shouldn't have any questions about the right thing to do

The main thing is you are away from him now. Protect yourself and your children from this abusive man and stay away.
He never takes responsibility for his actions. Always someone or something else to blame. Even his parents absolve him of responsibility by blaming you saying he got upset as he wanted to give you a nice home.
Go back and this time next year it won't be just the house hes smashing up!
Nasty bullying scumbag who clearly takes great pleasure in humiliating a child!
This is horrific! Please please stop all contact and speak to police about how to protect yourself should he continue trying to get in touch! Stop contact with his parents as well as they seem to be manipulating you also!

This does sound awfully like a man who should never be in a relationship. Those things he says about being better if you're there, good lord, how bad must he be when you're not! It's a wonder he hasn't set light to his own house (and mind you it's not even his own, is it? I think you mentioned tenancy? Which you were never on, and even when begging you to come back and he would make everything so great, he managed to make it clear you still wouldn't have any rights to the place. Not so dumb is he?).

Relationships should not be hard. You should work at them, yes, but there should be some point to working at them i.e. you both learn how to be in a mutually supportive couple. If one is doing all the giving and the other all the taking that's not relationship - it's slavery. And you even get to pay for the privilege of being abused!

Sometimes love is just not enough.

@Pocketdragon28

We accept the !ove we think we deserve.

You deserve so much more.

Thank you for your posts

He is still messaging me through different numbers.i blocked previous ones..last night I woke up to 18 messages. He saying i cant throw away 3 years..he still loves me and wants to gives us another go..he will control his anger he dont want to give up on us..its not about the Bill's etc etc he wants to buy me a ring and get married he wants me home and wants to meet up at local.park. to sort this out..he knows I want the same..he pick me up from where I am staying etc etc etc

Who to cope with this .....its stressing me out messing with my head......I know he wont change.......trying to sort myself out emotionally and I get all this

Change your fucking number and grow up.

Tell him very clearly never to contact you again. Do not go back to him. He's a manipulative bully who will ruin your life.

Run, run for your life.

I can't see any reason for you to give this waste of space another minute of your time.

You are probably feeling so low right now. You said you have nothing and are starting again... because this man is abusing you and your children financially, emotionality and physically. Sure he hasn't hit you ...yet but the threat of violence is ever present.

He senses you're at a crossroads so he is throwing out any line to haul you back in. He doesn't love you, he loves pushing you down to bouy himself up.

You will never be happy with him as he doesn't give a shit about your happiness.

Thank your lucky stars you can escape now. Don't look back. Get the police involved if you have to as bombarding you with messages is harrassment. He doesn't hear your no.

You are so so much better on your own.

@Pocketdragon28

You should change your mobile number so he can’t text or call you.

You really deserve more and so do your children. Take care

he knows I want the same...that's your key phrase in that. He knows nothing of the kind. What he is doing is putting HIS wants onto YOU. Unless he is a professional mind-reader, how DARE he decide that he knows what you want!

And if you are any kind of sane, you want nothing of the kind. He's trying to manipulate you with his half-hearted apologies.

And after three years it isn't 'throwing it away' it's 'deciding that things will never change and you're not putting up with it'. Three years! Not thirty...

He’s not changed. He can’t change. He’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear so he can manipulate you.
You may have to change your number to avoid him. Or perhaps the police could have a word as he’s harassing you?

Change your number. Report him to the police for harassment. Do not engage with him or his family at all.

40s is not old. You have another 40/50/60 years ahead of you. Make those ones better than the last few.

Forget about men. Promise yourself you won’t get involved with anyone for the next few years. Instead, work on your own self worth - sort out your own home, find your own interests, get fit if you’re not already, etc. Work on your relationship with your children - slowly, they’ve been through a lot!

Get a new number.

He's desperate for you back do you can skivvy for him again and pay his bills.

Get a new number.

I am not going back ..in am concentrating on my boy
yes I made mistakes in the past cos of him the ex...I have the constant guilt about my son . Yes I do question why me..what did I do to be treated this way ...why did he treat my buy that way......guilt will always live with me..yes I am struggling emotionally at the moment over it all making me I'll...

its just all the messages.through texts. Whatts app . Emails....I have blocked so many numbers

Came out of work today he was parked next to my car as wanted to sort us out and wanted me back!
Saying he knows i want him as much as he wants me...he wanted me to mice back home..I said No!
Then he started saying I am too soft on my son and compared my boy to his sisters "perfect" kids. I thought here we ago again. Don't get his way he brings my son into it....I just got in my car and went after saying No alot....
I felt sick walking to my car . He said he been there since 7am .I came out at 10.30

Report him to the police OP. He is harassing/stalking you. They may be able to advise you on the wording if s cease and desist letter which records that he is not under any circumstances to contact you again. You can do this.