Am I being fair on my bf needs advise asap.plz

[Pocketdragon28]

Hi

My boyfriend and I been together 3 years and broke up 3 weeks ago due to his temper issues..
I.knew he had a temper but not to this extent.... it started June 2019 when we moved in together ..he was very stressed as never lived with anyone before and bought alot of pressure upon himself with rent Bill's etc and had a melt down..trashed the place and name calling he felt he wasnt being listened too...I forgave him his parents said he put alot of pressure on himself to give me a perfect home and on himself...
Sept 2019 it happened again...he changed jobs to a job that wasnt very good money wise etc and was getting stressed. He wasnt coping and had a breakdown. Trashed the place again name calling etc.telling me his house his rules etc..I walked out and left him....he was sorry and promised it would never happen again...I went back after 2 weeks. He tried anti depressants for 2 months and took himself off them. As said he was ok...
He did contact NHS about counselling he had a first review but nothing came off it he was told it was a long waiting list ..
March 2020 he had another outburst. I accused him of doing stuff on his phone jokinly .it was a joke he was in a happy mood we was mucking about then suddenly he went mad . Put all my stuff in spare room, emptied my wardrobe and drawes and threw my clothes onto spare room floor and told me he needed space and I had to sleep in there till he was ready...he said he dont like being accused of doing stuff on his phone...I said sorry and explained I was only joking as we do...anyway i slept in there 2 nights then he accepted i was sorry he said he been stressed about work etc etc wasnt coping.
May 2020 some DIY he was doing was going wrong he started getting stressed. I told him he was doing a great job etc and dont worry if we need anything I go to shops to buy it..he then started calling me names and saying he wants to do a good job even though I dont want a nice home etc..anyway after couple of hours he went mad and threw food in the bin I just bought and my dinner I was cooking in the sink saying his house he wants me out . He threw me out.....inwentbto family been there ever since.
I have 3 kids that live with there dad. He never bonded with youngest. My youngest has adhd and can be hard work and lipy and excitable etc but when my boy was rude like kids are he couldn't cope with it and used to tell him off harshly. Saying horrible things to him. ..Even though I asked plenty of times let me deal with it the punishments etc..His parents says becouse he is not used to.kids and never had any so dont know how to react.etc ...my boy is 11...now my boy dont like him and stopped staying over cos of it...he used to wet the bed and my bf couldn't cope with it. He started off ok after a couple of accidents but then after a while he used to say I tell your mate etc your notba baby etc.... In the end my bf said he is only allowed to stay over unless he wears pull ups...trying to explain to a now 12 year old he can only stay at mummy's if wears them...anyway by boy wont stay over now He makes that clear..my other two 18 and 17 get on ok with him as older...
Since he threw me out he been saying he was sorry. Misses me etc etc etc He sàid he was stressed being out of work and being on furlough and trying to.pay the Bill's etc it got to.much and the DIY pushed him.over the edge as it was going wrong. He did say I didnt help going on and on and on about going to the shops and I wasnt listening to.him. made him.mad....
I told him.i been through this 4 times in a year.i cant go through it no more. All the slagging off. Slagging my boy off. He dont do that about the other two just my boy about his attitude...Trashing the house, throwing food everywhere and promises.loads of promises...
I told him he needs counselling anger management and to go bk on tablets or somthing...
Finally he has agreed..finally even though he feels he isnt that bad as long as I am with him.and support him he cant do it alone...he wants me home to support him...But I am.not prepared to.move back yet..
I thought I get my own.place on a 6 month rental. Be with him support him. We get to know each other again start talking ... date nights etc. As we havent had that since Sept 2019...start again...

But should I or had he had his chances
I dont think he like the idea anyway but he may surprise me

Please help

@backseatcookers Well nobody has ever put it in that way before.. I don't know what I would say and that's the truth.. I just know that I love him.
Thank you for that!

I got messages from him saying he is sorry he wants to give us another go..he misses me, misses my hugs etc he said he been crying as misses me so much...he is nothing with out me..he said kids can stay over when ever they want , he put more effort in to them. Make effort taking me out and going out with the kids etc etc etc I can make it my home. ( but not allowed on tenancy)
He been crying and cant cope

Text book desperate bullshit.... pure bollocks.. glad to see you blocked this loser... your kids deserve BETTER.

You didn't do anything wrong OP

I disagree. OP you put your own needs to be with a man, no matter how scummy, ahead of your children. I personally find that unforgiveable.

"You didn't do anything wrong OP"

I disagree. OP you put your own needs to be with a man, no matter how scummy, ahead of your children. I personally find that unforgiveable.

This. I think it's a truth OP needs to acknowledge in order to improve her life. She has literally chosen a horrible wasteman over her child's happiness, health and stability. There's no use telling her otherwise as that's just enabling her to stay in this situation.

Glad you’ve blocked the numbers he calls you from OP.

He will promise you the earth. And deliver nothing but dust.

Don’t let him back in your life. Your kids happiness is more important than his.

And if he lashes out with violence he could throw something that even accidentally hits you and kills you. What are your kids gonna do then with no mum?

You have to look after yourself and then. There is no place for an angry violent man in your life. His tears are crocodile tears. He’s not changed. He’s the same and what you will get will be the same.

Your poor son has suffered enough because of this relationship. And as for his parents making excuses for a grown man “trashing” the house constantly and being a scumbag, that’s just pathetic.

Never go back to him and put some effort into your relationship with your poor kids.

I cannot actually believe that your main concern here is what to do about your boyfriend? Are you not absolutely devastated that your own son refuses to stay with you because of the environment you put him in?! That should be your main concern! What the hell.

You're wasting your time too, amylou. It's not a great tragic love, it's just you and OP being with unpleasant men and wondering why they are being unpleasant. Waste of time.

The guilt I have about my son is un bearable....I didnt realise what I have gone through until about a week ago....I am.starting to remember things small episodes that happened between the bigger temper attacks...things he put me through..looking at it there were no happy times...just certain days I would say to myself its ok it's a good day today he is happy. I used to be thankful for those days and when it reached the evening I was relieved he didnt snap....how comes I forgot about this until now..its all coming back to me. ....its hard to explain but while I was in the relationship it felt normal....I met a man that loved me never thought I have that again I was blown away he was new and exciting until June 2019...then I cant explain it ....I cant put into words how he made me feel.....I have no confidence...no energy...constantly tired...questioning my actions..why I made him.like that what did i do......oh my God what have i done

You have caused huge damage to your children for starters
Maybe begin to think about how you can repair those relationships

Ignore the man. Think about the children. They will be glad to see you free. Perhaps do the Freedom Programme partly as a demonstration to the children that you take recovery seriously.

THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS

What do you think you'd advise your daughter to do, if she was living your life? If she waved her kids off to their father because they weren't compatible with her boyfriend? If she had a 12 year old wetting the bed in fear, and a boyfriend humiliating the child and saying he'd have to wear a nappy? What would you like your daughter to do, if she was living your life?

What would you expect a woman to do, if your son was treating her and her children like this? Would you be surprised if she left him, not for a week, a month, but for ever? Would you defend him, would you say oh, he gets stressed, he just wants everything to be lovely?

So poor Diddums says he's been crying. My heart bleeds for him... not. What a bloody sick, cruel, manipulative ABUSER. OP you have to let this go. He has no place in your life, no place in your children's lives, and if you get out now, for real, for ever, you just might have a chance to repair the terrible damage already done to your young son's confidence. I'm surprised your boy's father hasn't knocked your boyfriend's lights out (I don't condone anyone hitting anybody, adult or child, ever, in any circumstances, but my god I'd be tempted).

He can cry - good, but I bet they're crocodile tears, whining for sympathy. All this is your fault, see, he's trying to turn it round to make excuses for his horribleness. He's twisted, awful, maybe he needs 'intervention' but bad people don't come good. And he's bad.

Let him cry to his mummy, run for the hills OP, and hug your kid tight as you get yourself and him free of this monster.

You're worth more, and you're stronger than you think you are.

Don’t feel bad OP

You’re human and made a mistake. You have taken the first step by talking about it and seeking advice. You know what you need to do, you’re scared as it going to be painful to leave. However I promise you this, you will be OK and your family will Thank you. They are all that matters now, not your feelings, not him.

Life will be so much better than this. Think about what you wanted when you was a little girl, I’m sure this wasn’t it. I wish you all the best

Don't go back to him. Don't ever go back to him. Block him. If he uses a new number again block that one too.
Rebuild your life without this vile and abusive man. You do not need him. I don't care how much he cries and pleads, walk away and keep on walking. Do the Freedom Programme. Put your kids first, always

You don’t have to start again In Your 40s. You don’t need a partner at all. You should
Focus on being the best mother and best person you can be.

I feel quite sorry for your poor children.

Do not go back this man. Sort yourself out. It doesn't matter what year he did what. He is abusive and now is your chance to be free of him to try to repair yourself and your children.
Good luck

The guilt I have about my son is unbearable.

So unbearable your last thread is still all about you and the arsehole. When do your children become your priority? I'm guessing some time never.

he was very stressed as never lived with anyone before and bought alot of pressure upon himself with rent Bill's etc and had a melt down..trashed the place and name calling he felt he wasnt being listened too

I would have left after the first time. I won't live with anyone who trashes the house, and I won't be in a relationship where someone feels they can call me names. That's my bar; yours seems to be much lower and I think you should raise it.

he wants to give us another go..he misses me, misses my hugs etc he said he been crying as misses me so much.

I'm going to guess that you did all the housework? Did you do all the cooking, washing-up and cleaning? Despite his anger issues, did you give him sex when he wanted?

DO NOT GET BACK WITH THIS MAN.

The stuff he had said to your son and how he’s treated him is bad enough that you should of dumped him for that and never looked back!! Let alone any of the other shit.

Seriously, PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST.

Block him. Forget your kitchen stuff, it can be replaced!

Wow full on MN judgement going on here, kicking a woman who is showing vulnerability when she's down. Shame on you.

OP you're doing great by blocking the pathetic loser. Keep him 100% out of your life, he's useless.

Don't beat yourself up looking back, aim to learn from this horrible experience and look forward to a better future for you and your DC.

Looking back I know I should of left last year looking back now. but at the time as usual he told me all this stuff all these promises .promised me the world Etc ..His family saying to.me hes not copying and needs support etc etc they kept saying relationships are hard and he not used to this and that etc etc yes it made me feel sorry for him...basically I think they didnt want to.cope with him so put it onto me....
When I was in the relationship I thought it was all ok I never saw problems...never saw day to day issues that i do now looking back at it..the daily sulks the daily moaning , him going to bed early every night about 6 as he was tired left me alone every evening..doing what he wanted to do never what I wanted to do..when I ever suggested something he said no dont like doing that....me sleeping on the sofa as he had a strop on..being ignored for a night or day cos he had a strop on.....paying his bills he couldn't that month...paying half the rent. Half the council tax half of all bills....I paid for a sofa and furniture we bought together was in his name but I paid for it all as he wanted to save for a new car and couldnt afford his share...why did I agree to that! I bought all the food and paid for all the electric as on a meter. He earned twice more than I do....it was never equal..I paid for all outings..for his petrol...
I did all the cleaning and cooking.. it goes on and on. I have written it all down so I can remind myself otherwise I push it back to the back of my head ...
I think at the time I thought it be ok tomorrow it be ok and lived each day hoping it be a good day..when it was a good day I thought thank God it's been a nice day. Hopefully tomorrow be the same..I looked forward to seeing my boy taking him.out...I know what I put him through . I have said sorry to.him and he is a happy excitable normal pre teenager...he does well at school and he tells me he loves me..just dont like hugs!
Last two weeks I have had about 30 texts from the bf one minutes he loves me next I am a slag sleeping around next he is sorry and mad...sending me photos of cut up canvas pictures that we bought together but I paid for...next minute saying he going on dating sites unless I come home. Next text he is sorry he is mad and didnt mean it...I blocked him so.many times but today he text me on another number..he wants us not to break up he loves me misses me..he make effort to take me out etc etc etc. He got to sell his car as cant afford the bills etc..he make a effort to do what i want to do when we go out.....he wants me home..
I am tired ..I am struggling to find my self worth...I am struggling to find why did he treat us like that..why I dont understand how could he treat us like that....I don't know why I love him no idea maybe I like the hope that he change and it be ok and perfect. I know that's not true

He has left me homeless and broke...any money I had in savings paid for fixing his car he said he pay me back that was last year... I am with family...but I am in my 40s and literally starting again only stuff i have are my clothes nothing else...i do work...

Thank you for all your honest comments I need to hear this all . I am hurting it does hurt I am numb

I have blocked him

Why have you put this your partners needs before your children’s?