Am I being fair on my bf needs advise asap.plz

[Pocketdragon28]

Hi

My boyfriend and I been together 3 years and broke up 3 weeks ago due to his temper issues..
I.knew he had a temper but not to this extent.... it started June 2019 when we moved in together ..he was very stressed as never lived with anyone before and bought alot of pressure upon himself with rent Bill's etc and had a melt down..trashed the place and name calling he felt he wasnt being listened too...I forgave him his parents said he put alot of pressure on himself to give me a perfect home and on himself...
Sept 2019 it happened again...he changed jobs to a job that wasnt very good money wise etc and was getting stressed. He wasnt coping and had a breakdown. Trashed the place again name calling etc.telling me his house his rules etc..I walked out and left him....he was sorry and promised it would never happen again...I went back after 2 weeks. He tried anti depressants for 2 months and took himself off them. As said he was ok...
He did contact NHS about counselling he had a first review but nothing came off it he was told it was a long waiting list ..
March 2020 he had another outburst. I accused him of doing stuff on his phone jokinly .it was a joke he was in a happy mood we was mucking about then suddenly he went mad . Put all my stuff in spare room, emptied my wardrobe and drawes and threw my clothes onto spare room floor and told me he needed space and I had to sleep in there till he was ready...he said he dont like being accused of doing stuff on his phone...I said sorry and explained I was only joking as we do...anyway i slept in there 2 nights then he accepted i was sorry he said he been stressed about work etc etc wasnt coping.
May 2020 some DIY he was doing was going wrong he started getting stressed. I told him he was doing a great job etc and dont worry if we need anything I go to shops to buy it..he then started calling me names and saying he wants to do a good job even though I dont want a nice home etc..anyway after couple of hours he went mad and threw food in the bin I just bought and my dinner I was cooking in the sink saying his house he wants me out . He threw me out.....inwentbto family been there ever since.
I have 3 kids that live with there dad. He never bonded with youngest. My youngest has adhd and can be hard work and lipy and excitable etc but when my boy was rude like kids are he couldn't cope with it and used to tell him off harshly. Saying horrible things to him. ..Even though I asked plenty of times let me deal with it the punishments etc..His parents says becouse he is not used to.kids and never had any so dont know how to react.etc ...my boy is 11...now my boy dont like him and stopped staying over cos of it...he used to wet the bed and my bf couldn't cope with it. He started off ok after a couple of accidents but then after a while he used to say I tell your mate etc your notba baby etc.... In the end my bf said he is only allowed to stay over unless he wears pull ups...trying to explain to a now 12 year old he can only stay at mummy's if wears them...anyway by boy wont stay over now He makes that clear..my other two 18 and 17 get on ok with him as older...
Since he threw me out he been saying he was sorry. Misses me etc etc etc He sàid he was stressed being out of work and being on furlough and trying to.pay the Bill's etc it got to.much and the DIY pushed him.over the edge as it was going wrong. He did say I didnt help going on and on and on about going to the shops and I wasnt listening to.him. made him.mad....
I told him.i been through this 4 times in a year.i cant go through it no more. All the slagging off. Slagging my boy off. He dont do that about the other two just my boy about his attitude...Trashing the house, throwing food everywhere and promises.loads of promises...
I told him he needs counselling anger management and to go bk on tablets or somthing...
Finally he has agreed..finally even though he feels he isnt that bad as long as I am with him.and support him he cant do it alone...he wants me home to support him...But I am.not prepared to.move back yet..
I thought I get my own.place on a 6 month rental. Be with him support him. We get to know each other again start talking ... date nights etc. As we havent had that since Sept 2019...start again...

But should I or had he had his chances
I dont think he like the idea anyway but he may surprise me

Please help

If you go back to him then you will probably lose your youngest forever.

Up to you.

Please don’t go back to the tedious twat.

You're in your 40's?

Christ. I thought the way you write you were going to be a teen

Imagine the results of a poll of decent, normal thinking mothers.

Would you rather:

Option A. Be with a man who bullies your own child, makes fun on him, has made it impossible for him to want to stay over, repeatedly trashed homes, calls you names and kicked you out.

Or Option B. Be single.

Imagine even considering Option A. Jesus.

Your poor children deserve so much better, but so do you. You don't need this awful man, your kids definitely need him out of their lives permanently, you owe him nothing. If losing you will break him, tough, he'll fix himself, it's not your problem. Your kids should be your focus, and getting yourself into some kind of state where you can see that, and gain their trust that this man is history, and will never be in their lives or yours, ever again.

You know that Dua Lipa song, New Rules...?

Ltb. He’s an abusuve vile pig and you need to get out so you can see your kids safely. Think of them.

Grow up and Choose your children.
Not this pathetic excuse for a man.

Bin him off OP, nobody deserves that

He's a selfish, immature misogynist and he won't change. He thinks you should do as he says/wants and his needs are far more important than yours - if you stay you will constantly be walking on eggshells in case he gets 'stressed' again. That just seems to be his go to excuse for being a dick but even if it is genuine him being stressed shouldn't be your problem - it certainly shouldn't give him the right to smash things up, call you names and kick you out of your house for no reason.

Red flags everywhere with this one, you've given him plenty of chances and if it were me I would end the relationship

how did I get here what did I do so wrong

You continually ignored him abusing your child, shouting, trashing rooms... You decided that having your Terrified 12 year old son Wear a nappy was a reasonable request, rather than get ride of the abuser that was causing the accidents. You decided losing your son was better than losing an abuser.

And i imagine from two Threads we only know the absolute minimum.

Op you are in an abusive relationship. You need to ask someone for help to leave.

This is not ok.

This is not a good relationship- even with 'dating' again it will not be good. He's abusing you and your poor children. Stay away

You didn't do anything wrong OP, he's absolutely awful, abusive to both you and your boy.

Please cut all ties with him for good- block on everything.

I did block his number but he used a another number and I got messages from him saying he is sorry he wants to give us another go..he misses me, misses my hugs etc he said he been crying as misses me so much...he is nothing with out me..he said kids can stay over when ever they want , he put more effort in to them. Make effort taking me out and going out with the kids etc etc etc I can make it my home. ( but not allowed on tenancy)
He been crying and cant cope

I have blocked that number

He is pathetic loser who enjoys scaring women and children. He’s crying because he’s like you to forget that.

One thing you should understand about losers like this. They go looking for understanding people they can bully.

The more they can, the more they enjoy watching your face and that of your children as you twist yourself about to meet his endless needs.

Life literally has no point as he cannot excite or please himself by bullying and controlling you and your kids.

He is manipulative loser who enjoys the effect he has on people.

Have your children lived with their father since you met him?

Or were they already living with their father?

Have your children lived with their father since you met him?

Or were they already living with their father?

By 'him' I mean the bloke you've just broken up with.

You are emotionally abusing your child. No relationship is worth this.

Are children's services involved?

Contact women's aid and do the freedom programme. They will burst your bubble and you will see the light. His crying is just part of the manipulation.

If anything, do this for your child.

OP how many times has he said the same crap that he'll change and things will be good if you just come back and then you go back and then it's ok for how long; a week a month and then he is right back to his abusive ways?

Are you responding to his messages? You have to stop. Change your number if you have to. Turn your phone off.

He's crying and can't cope.
He's supposed to be a grown man. He can cope just fine.

What about your son? What about his feelings and well-being?
He's the one having a hard time. Have sympathy and compassion for your son, not some abuser.

Look up trauma bonding online. It helps explain the pull towards these men.

Have you spoken to anyone about this situation? Women's Aid, a counselor?

You're the boy's mum. You're supposed to be his protector. He needs you.

My advice is get your own place, make it nice, your safe space, you don’t mention work but if you haven’t already then get a decent job, stay close with your boys, especially the youngest. Do stuff one on one with him. Be a good role model.

Get financial independence, if you haven’t already get a work pension, pay into the system for a state pension.

Don’t get back with him, he’s shown his true colours, I’m stressed to hell at the moment but I’ve not treated anyone like he has you.

I honestly thought this was some teenage lad in his first home. Your comment about his parents and his behaviour made me think that. I’m beyond shocked this is a man in his forties.

He’s a bullying immature little twat. Stay gone. It’s never going to get better, this is who he is.

There is zero chance he will be a better person if you go back.

Although I have no children involved, I have been going through the same thing for the full 3 years of my relationship and I understand how difficult this is for you. Feel like I am treading on eggshells every single day. I can't tell him what my issues are because I am gaslighted. I am there for him 24/7 whatever mood he is going through, whatever hardship and I never feel like it is reciprocated. I am currently battling a social media monster. He is liking photos of girls, mostly semi-naked, some he knows some he doesn't and I have raised my issue that I do not like it currently feeling at an all time low with myself. All self-confidence gone I told him it made me feel like he wanted someone that looked like the photos, which I look absolutely nothing like. I have been struggling with myself for a while now and I have even started having anxiety attacks which aren't acknowledged when I bring it up. However whenever he is feeling depressed, anxious, angry or whatever I have to be there and support him. Although telling him my feelings he has now done the same thing again and I am so hurt, so broken, not just over this but over everything that has happened over the three years, weighing down on me. He never understands that I am also struggling, and I'm not entirely sure if he cares. If he did would he continue to do the same things? I'm always being "stupid and silly" in the things I say and the way I feel.. I would never say these things to him if he had concerns. It's been a very on and off relationship and a very hard one. He also went on anti-depressants as I told him he had to do something or the relationship would end.. he did after 2 and a half years and things were going well. One missed tablets and all hell breaks loose and I'm on eggshells for 4/5 days whilst he comes around. I am so lost, confused and broken and I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I can't talk about children, marriage as he never seems interested even though he mentions it when we are around other people, he will not sit and have that talk to me. I feel like I am taking 2 steps forward then 10 backwards some days. He doesn't really like my family and most of my friends, tells me they are assholes or annoying or whatever. His mood changes so often I am left in limbo. I love him so much but I am starting to feel like he does not feel the same way and does not want the same things. First thing he does when he wakes up.. facebook.. all spare time in his day.. facebook.. at night in bed together..facebook. He could be sat next to me for 4 hours and not a say a word to me, just into his phone on facebook. Following girls who shake there asses and get there boobs out on facebook for a living, when I have told him how this makes me feel.
Things were going really well.. I thought they were better but now it has come to this silence, no talking, no intimacy unless hes in the mood for it, no support.
I am struggling

@amyloulou1

What would you say is the reason you feel you deserve to be in a relationship like this if you weren't allowed to say "because I love him"? What is in this relationship for you?

Don't you deserve better than being treated like this? Yes you do!