Husband has no contact with dd but what to do about her birthday and presents?

[Fightingback16]

I stopped my ex husband having contact with dd in December due to abuse and welfare concerns. He is aware that if he wants contact he needs to apply for an order. He has yet to do this but has asked my solicitor if he can come and spend time with dd on her 4th birthday and drop her presents off etc in a few weeks.

I’m suffering with PTSD at the moment and don’t want him where I’m staying. I also feel
It’s been 5 months since she saw him so it wouldn’t feel good for her emotionally.

When I said no at Christmas he brought the Xmas presents over and tried to break my door in with dd who was home and scared.

What should I get him to do with his presents?

Yeah he did smoke and not recreationally it was everyday. When he was alone with her he smoked. The first time I brought it up many years ago he drove his motorbike home stoned and rang me lost. I was annoyed when he finally came home, that was wrong he went mad, threw things, pushed me into the radiator. I tried many times to tell him to stop. But I was always told to shut my f***g mouth. He said If I was a more loving wife he wouldn’t need to smoke. I thought it was my fault. One of the last occasions before I stopped contact I’d discovered whilst he had her one day she had been under her bed playing with a lighter, there is a small scorch mark and the lighter. I took at pic, sent it, told him what on earth, how did she have time alone to do that and where did she get a lighter from. He laughed, called me babe, said babe it doesn’t matter she is too small to use it. She was 3 and she scorched the carpet

But I feel like s**t because I let her go and I did condone it for our entire 12 year marriage. I’ll have to stand up and say I did that.

I'm surprised his solicitor didn't point out how awful that sounds, along with the state of the house it paints a grim picture. Was he expecting a drug test, is there other drug use he's deflecting from?
I’ll have to stand up and say I did that
They will already know you have left him because you cannot condone life with him anymore.

You tried to create a safer space during his contact by cleaning and he still fucked it up by neglecting her and leaving her at risk of harm, you are not on trial for his drug use leading to really shitty parenting.

You've tried all you can, there is nothing left you can try, you are no longer willing to try.

I am no longer willing and literally couldn’t cope with trying anymore. It’s down to a judge now. Little dd is my life. I don’t think he is telling them anything. They are just a cheap online solicitors.

Get an occupation order to get him out of the house and you in.

You will have to pay for it.

A friend did this. She had moved out with kids due to abuse.

She got the house back.

It doesn't cost to apply but you will need to pay for representation.

It’s just something else I have to fight for but no money to do so. I give up. The power he has is ridiculous, he is trying to take everything from me. I just want a life now away from him.

Get the divorce rolling.
No court order yet so you can use your concerns to keep to no contact. Let him argue his case. But not to you. Dont engage with him

I have a NISI now as it was deemed to be served with evidence he had been served as he wouldn’t respond. I’ve just applied for financial proceedings. Just seems like a constant uphill battle.

It’s just something else I have to fight for but no money to do so. I give up
?? An occupation order? It won't be too much of a fight they will either grant it or not, I think you will regret not doing it, I really do.

I’m not sure I even want to go back. He has trashed it, broken the white goods etc. My solicitor said he may win because he has nowhere to go, no family and I’ve been at my mums for a year already.

I feel I lost my opportunity by not doing it when I left last February. I was just in so much of a mess.

I have the non mol ready so I am very tempted to tick the occupation order also so I can go home and he can’t come and threaten me if I go.

What is the likelihood that I would win? I did threaten am occupation order before Xmas but he came and tried to break in my door and it set me back a lot mentally. His solicitor said he would fight the order.

Just because his solicitor says he will fight it is in no way a given he will win!!
Get your home back op...

If you don't get back in the house you will NEVER see money from it. He will run it down so it won't sell.

Get back in, if you don't want to stay at least you can then do it up and sell it and split the money.

If he is stupid enough to be violent, threatening and harasses you when you're back in, it will only make things worse for him with contact and a financial settlement (if you are going to try and get more of your deposit back and your reasoning for not protecting it is that he pressured you into not protecting it, then if he wants to give them ample evidence of him being exactly that kind of person, that's good.)

The law is there to fight your corner. Use it!

Go for the occupation order because once you have control of what happens with the house things can move much quicker.

Tick the box for the Occupation Order.

If he kicks off - literally - film the fucker whilst waiting for the police to arrive.

So you don’t think the fact I’ve left it over a year will go against me? I left it because I was traumatised, I’ve lots of threatening msgs I can show them and police report etc.

Also will the non-mol be linked to that house or the place I am now, or both?

@FizzyGreenWater you are absolutely right. Now I’m feeling more stable I can see what he is doing. He has put the cctv system on the house but the house looks shocking. I went past it last week, the front of the house is full of weeds, it looks derelict. I feel bad for my neighbours. They won’t speak to him as he fell out with them both sides. I thought he’d want it sold and get the most money possible but he isn’t bothered about the money just getting at me.

Then non mol would attach to you, but if the last incident was quite some time ago you will struggle to get this granted. File for the occupation order at the same time, but don’t be surprised when you don’t get it.

Non molestation orders aren’t the sort of thing you leave sitting around. They need to be applied for at the time of the threat.

Court will look at child s right to home above a grown man who can find himself one.
If it s joint owned home you have right to force sale if needs be. But Tick occupancy order to start

His lawyer says that dd is safe and housed in my mums house. He doesn’t have a house to go to.

The last bad incident was end of Feb. There were other occasions where he has come here but no violence, even tho he has been told to not come.
The lawyer didn’t think there was enough concern. I was suffering PTSD badly then so it was more emotionally difficult for me.

I wish I acted earlier.

You’ll not get a non mol based on an incident in February unfortunately

Then push to sell house and split proceeds.
Or he buys you out
He doesnt get to stay there forever while your share is tied up.
Who is paying the mortgage at the moment. ?

He is unhinged. It wouldn't take much for him to fly into a fury. Make sure you have the police on speed dial and cameras on for when it happens. If say you were to go round to collect your things.

But your add doesn’t have her own room so she is not adequately housed. That will work in your favour.

Also, if you don’t apply for occupancy then you definitely won’t get it, but if you do, you might.