Husband has no contact with dd but what to do about her birthday and presents?

[Fightingback16]

I stopped my ex husband having contact with dd in December due to abuse and welfare concerns. He is aware that if he wants contact he needs to apply for an order. He has yet to do this but has asked my solicitor if he can come and spend time with dd on her 4th birthday and drop her presents off etc in a few weeks.

I’m suffering with PTSD at the moment and don’t want him where I’m staying. I also feel
It’s been 5 months since she saw him so it wouldn’t feel good for her emotionally.

When I said no at Christmas he brought the Xmas presents over and tried to break my door in with dd who was home and scared.

What should I get him to do with his presents?

He has no access currently and we haven’t been to court. I stopped access mid December and he hasn’t applied for a court order yet. Yes I’ve been keeping evidence.

I’ve not told him to not get gifts sent only that I don’t want him to come to where I’m currently living. The last time he sent gifts he dropped them off then came back 30 mins later expecting me to feel guilty and let him in. I didn’t so he tried to get in. He has been asked multiple times by the solicitor to stay away.

Does he pay child maintenance?

But I am worried I’m going to get in trouble when it goes to court, if he does apply. I’m not stopping him from applying tho and he has left it 5 months so that’s up to him. The court order cost lest then the toy he just bought.

I had to go through CMS to get it because he didn’t want to pay but yes currently paying it.

Ignore @Soontobe60 do not give an abusive man access to your daughter

I think if you can, be out? If not then call the police if he turns up. Straight away. Don't even speak to him. Tell them you are alone with a child and frightened, they should send someone.

It’s so hard to get my brain into thinking about giving him access. The damage this man is capable of doing is beyond thinking. I can’t do it. The only person who could make me is a judge and then I wouldn’t do it willingly.

He can't come in your house at the moment anyway due to social distancing. You dont want him giving you or your daughter coronavirus.

No I thought about that also. He has still been travelling 80 miles to buy his weed all the time so I don’t want him bringing that here. Dd has tonsils out end of last year so is weak in her immune system.

Id also be out. Keep your solicitor informed. Have a low tolerance for phoning the police.

It feels s**t denying my daughter the toy. I guess thats the intention of buying the biggest thing he could find and leaving me with the emotional fall out. Tbh I’d not feel comfortable walking down the road with a giant pink Mercedes Benz. I wouldn’t use it so there isn’t much point giving it to me. I don’t need to stand out and have everyone look at me.

Its the cycle of abuse isnt it.

Ebay it. Or give it to a children's home.

What our daughter would like beyond measure is for her stupid father to acknowledge the divorce and let us move home or move out so we can sell and move on. Sleeping in a room with me whilst he has the 3 bed family home and sending her a pink drive along car is useless and taking the piss!

I literally don’t know how I put up with this for 12 years.

Don't open the door. If he kicks it, call the police and they will be able to help with non molestation orders.

And leave the monstrosity out there. If he doesn't take it with him, it'll probably be gone by morning.

Yes to a non-molestation order. Have you applied for one of those or discussed it with your solicitor? If granted (and from what you've said, it would be), that would prevent him coming to your door. Call the National Centre for Domestic Violence (www.ncdv.org.uk/) - they can explain the process to you and may refer you to a law firm which will help draft the papers free of charge (or you can draft them yourself if you feel comfortable doing so).

Why buy a big off present for a kid when you know you are not allowed to give it to her.
It's so he can say "OP stopped her daughter having this wonderful present" she doesn't need it. Nothing has changed, he has chosen to do this and DD was not considered, it is for the adults to see how generous he is because he thinks the adults are that thick.

My mum bought me a rocking horse when I was in care, knowing that it would 'show' people how much I meant to her. It came to symbolise how little a shit my mum gave about me on the bloody birthday.
Yay a rocking horse! oh my mum screaming blue bloody murder, oh the social worker getting vexed, oh the foster dad stepping in, oh the police. She still brought it up as proof of how hard she had it months later, as if the drama and the fear were irrelevant because rocking horse.

Don't engage, she doesn't need a bloody big toy more than she needs to not associate her birthday with daddy being an arsehole

Yep I have the non mol ready and waiting.

I don’t see the point in paying over £200 on a toy that he can’t give her. He bought it before the letter to my lawyer asking if he can come and spend the day with her. The other 3 letters have been very clear. Come here and the police will be called.

The other 3 letters have been very clear. Come here and the police will be called

Your actions are clear, they are valid, they have your daughters best intentions at heart, your actions are saying to her "we do not tolerate this bullshit, we expect men to be better then this and we don't need them if they're not" you cannot add "unless he buys you something big and expensive then he can do what he wants"

She does not have a car, she will not suffer through not having a car. It's plastic tat that she will not think about when choosing a life partner, it's the stuff accompanying it that she will consider when choosing a life partner.
Show her, Women do not tolerate this bollocks. Not being there unless it suits, manipulation, intimidation, abuse are behaviours that we do not have in our world.

I have much the same dilema going on with my ds3 dad...nc with ex because of abuse/alcohol/drugs..hasnt made any application to court..it has been this way nc for nearly 2yrs..xmas and birthday presents are sent to door with family member..last birthday present, strangely enough was merc battery car..i decided then that i will not be accepting anymore gifts from him. Sending gifts of that magnitude is done simply to play mind games with little one..i will be contacting my solicitor to put in writing if the dickhead wishes to buy presents it would be more beneficial to open bank account/isa and contribute on birthday/xmas for ds to benefit from when 18. It really boils your blood op

it would be more beneficial to open bank account/isa

Where's the "I found my go to response" emoji?

Yes that’s a brilliant idea I may steal that one for my next letter. She really has no need for the car. He bombarded me when I left ( I say left, fled) with msgs of how I’ve ruined his chance to save for his daughters future. He has squandered his salary of over £30,000 and emptied the £10,000 savings on absolute shit. I left with nothing and have managed to save £4,000 in an account I opened for her.

Sell it and the other hidden gifts and put the money in her account.

Non mol ready and waiting? But not active?? Hells bells get that sorted as a priority!