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Original poster

Husband has no contact with dd but what to do about her birthday and presents?

143 replies

Fightingback16 · 19/05/2020 15:33

I stopped my ex husband having contact with dd in December due to abuse and welfare concerns. He is aware that if he wants contact he needs to apply for an order. He has yet to do this but has asked my solicitor if he can come and spend time with dd on her 4th birthday and drop her presents off etc in a few weeks.

I’m suffering with PTSD at the moment and don’t want him where I’m staying. I also feel
It’s been 5 months since she saw him so it wouldn’t feel good for her emotionally.

When I said no at Christmas he brought the Xmas presents over and tried to break my door in with dd who was home and scared.

What should I get him to do with his presents?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 08:56

Yes I know. I kind of flapped around a bit too much after the last incident. So the solicitor said to wait for another then I can apply ex-parte. Apart from dropping of presents nothing much happened since the Xmas incident. That was the first time I ever called the police on him.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2020 12:22

OP, one thing you need to get in your head here:

HE DOES NOT WANT ACCESS.

He knows full well that even with the backstory, if he went to court, he'd get some access. Maybe supervised at first. But he would get it, and he would get the satisfaction of 'getting one over on you'. He can afford it, his solicitor will have told him that he'd ultimately get it. He knows it's what you don't want.

And yet, he hasn't done it!

He doesn't want access.

He doesn't want to have to spend his time with his child.

He doesn't want to give up his weekends.

He doesn't want to have childcare.

He's more happy to see you doing it all than he would be to be able to see his child.

He isn't interested.

He doesn't love or miss her.

He DOES want to upset and annoy you and continue to abuse you, but only if it's actually easy for him, he can't be bothered to put much into it.

So yes to presents and gestures that cost lots, but take no time. Yes to shouting about his rights for five minutes outside the door and harrassing you. No to court appearances and then having to care for a child for a whole Saturday or every other weekend. Jesus no, I'd rather be at the pub...

Stop being afraid of contact. He does not want it.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 12:58

@FizzyGreenWater it’s very hard to fully accept what you are saying although I suspect you are right. He made such a big deal over dd when we were together, daddies princess etc etc. She was a trophy.

He’s spending the money because he wants to stop me having the house in a deal. He’s put way more money in the keeping of the house then he has dd. I never thought it was possible to dislike someone so much, and to think one time I’d do anything for him.

OP posts:
C0RA · 22/05/2020 13:08

@FizzyGreenWater has the measure of him.

PowerStruggle · 22/05/2020 13:10

You’re mental for sneaking into the house! what are you thinking!

Let him drop the present off when you are out for a walk or something.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 13:14

It’s my bloody house, well it was my grandads first. He was 90 miles away tho and I wanted my stuff!!! It’s so unfair he thinks he can just bully me out forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 13:15

I went for the fish tank I bought my daughter.
OMG the fish we bought were beyond dead.

OP posts:
BeTheHokeyMan · 22/05/2020 13:19

Why is he in your grandad's house ? Surely he should have been the one to move out

GinghamStyle · 22/05/2020 13:22

Please get the non mol arranged.
I went to court for mine a few months ago, ex ignored it and contacted me anyway and now his breech is with the CPS. Without the non mol order, he’s still be contacting me several times a week/a day, coming to my home etc. This is abuse and you don’t have to put up with it.

I hope you get your divorce sorted soon, and back into your home sooner! I’ll be following this thread and look forward to a happy ending for you Flowers

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 13:24

My husbands abuse was getting worse, he pushed me out the house and told me he’d no longer be in control of his actions if I returned. I panicked and took our dd. I was traumatised from the years of abuse, after 6 months I developed bad c-PTSD. He told me that if I took it took court he’d make me suffer, he laughed and said he’d never leave. It’s jointly owned and mortgaged, although a large deposit down. I’ve only jus my started to feel strong enough to deal with it. It’s going to have to go through court now to get him out/get it sold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 13:25

Sorry that’s badly written.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 22/05/2020 13:28

What should I get him to do with his presents
YOU can't get him to do anything, you have made it clear he is not to come near you and you have made it clear you will only engage through solicitors.
He wants to have a dialogue about this with you, he wants you to be thinking about this, he is ignoring the boundaries you put up, he is trying to manipulate you into letting him 'just drop off a gift' to your house knowing this led to the police last time - it is a toy car it is not important enough to risk it, next year it will be a bigger toy.

Dery · 22/05/2020 13:33

Can you not go for an occupation order? It seems so wrong that he's in your family home. Or has he pumped lots of money into it - in which case the position would be more nuanced.

But your solicitor must be alive to all this so presumably there are reasons why you haven't gone for an occupation order.

GinghamStyle · 22/05/2020 13:34

Fight or flight kicked in, and you 100% did the right thing! You removed you and DD from the horrible, toxic, abuse and found somewhere safe for you both.

It sounds like you’re doing really well, and hopefully with the support of Mumsnet, you can find the strength to get the non-mol put in place and stay firm not to allow contact and keep H away from your home and your safe space. You need somewhere for you and DD and there’s absolutely no reason why he needs to come anywhere near it or you.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 14:04

I have so many potential orders I don’t know whether I’m coming or going! No he hasn’t pumped money into it. He just is doing this to stop me moving on. I’m with my mum at the moment which I think I’ve needed so I wasnt too worried about the occupation order. I kind of left it a bit too long, I couldn’t face any of it. He has put cameras and an alarm system on it recently so I know he wants a fight over it. I think that’s what he is waiting for, he knows it means a lot to me being my grandads house and all.

OP posts:
PowerStruggle · 22/05/2020 14:20

You are jeopardising your position by entering his property. If that was found out your non mol would be much more difficult as you can’t claim you are terrified of him and having anything of his in your house and also visit his house! Stupidly risky behaviour

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 14:25

But it’s not his house and all my stuff Is there. No one has told me to stay away from my house. But I see what you mean and I was afraid so didn’t go alone and ran in and out. I’ve only been twice since leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 14:26

So are you saying the house is “his” now because he forced me out and out cameras on it?

OP posts:
PowerStruggle · 22/05/2020 14:27

If you know he has cameras up etc you really need to be more sensible. You need to crack on with getting your legals sorted out. You can’t send lawyer letters telling him not to contact you and then go to his house. Time for some action - as hard as that feels right now. It won’t solve itself

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 15:07

I have just applied for financial proceedings. Now I feel stupid. I just thought well he’s a long way away Now’s the time to get some of my things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 15:08

Do I legally have no right to enter the house anymore even though we both own it? I do understand what your saying.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 22/05/2020 15:19

Unless I misunderstood @Fightingback16 collected possessions from their home while he was out.
Providing there is no quarrel over ownership of what she took then she has no reason not to enter her home and remove her items, if she is frightened then of course she is allowed to avoid seeing him when collecting her stuff.
She isn't obligated to give up her possessions or forbidden to enter her own home because she addressed his abusive behaviour through a solicitor.
You don't have to be terrified to get a non molestation order, you simply have to be dealing with unwanted behaviour that is affecting you.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 15:28

I’m not the lost little lamb I was when I lived with him. He is a bully, I don’t believe he will physically hurt me now as he would have done by now. The damage he caused and will continue to cause to dd is phycological and emotional. He is a small man. I collected my clothes and my daughters things. He still has all the flooring and the white goods etc that he claims are his.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 15:31

He won’t remove me from his bank account so I saw he made a contactless payment in London which is around 80 miles from our house.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 22/05/2020 15:38

Claiming this is mine doesn't make it so especially during a divorce. It really sounds like you're getting shafted here. Get paperwork done, stop letting him 'claim' shit for an easy life, he's not being nicer because of it. Use the solicitor, it's what they're there for

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