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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has no contact with dd but what to do about her birthday and presents?

143 replies

Fightingback16 · 19/05/2020 15:33

I stopped my ex husband having contact with dd in December due to abuse and welfare concerns. He is aware that if he wants contact he needs to apply for an order. He has yet to do this but has asked my solicitor if he can come and spend time with dd on her 4th birthday and drop her presents off etc in a few weeks.

I’m suffering with PTSD at the moment and don’t want him where I’m staying. I also feel
It’s been 5 months since she saw him so it wouldn’t feel good for her emotionally.

When I said no at Christmas he brought the Xmas presents over and tried to break my door in with dd who was home and scared.

What should I get him to do with his presents?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/05/2020 15:39

Is it a joint account? You can maybe freeze it ask solicitor

Dont engage with him about the present.
He has the solicitor letter.

If he drops it off on doorstep and dd would use it just tell her it s from a relative.

Get solicitor to sort out house etc as part of divorce.
Who owns it is in land registry details. If joint owned you can buy him out or force sale as part of divorce talk to solicitor

Embracelife · 22/05/2020 15:43

Solicitor can suggest he leaves any present with a third party.
Given he tried to break in last time.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 15:54

The solicitor has told me to watch the account and freeze when it gets too low. There is no overdraft facility on it.

The house is joint on mortgage and deeds. Nothing is his and he’s knows it, that’s why he put up the security system and all the threats to scare me into not pursuing it. It worked for a while, but not now. I’m stronger now. I’ve applied and I don’t think think I can do anything but wait. There is no amicable way Through this, unless he hits his head or has a brain transplant!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 15:57

If he cared so much for his daughter then he wouldnt have allowed her to share a room with me and not be back home in her own bed and room whilst we sorted it all out. In the meantime he has done nothing in the house, it’s a dump. The garden is a dump, the neighbour is annoyed. So his ridiculously large presents just poke me like a stick .

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 16:19

Well now I have another email from my solicitor saying that they have heard from his. They believe I’m being totally unreasonable and using dd as a weapon. He wants contact now via video and at a set time every week until this is resolved. If I do not reply in 7 days he will make an order. To whinch they say that surely your
Client is aware he will be given contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 16:20

Perhaps he really does want contact with her.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 22/05/2020 16:43

Op please think on a solicitor will write whatever he asks them to.
I once got a letter demanding I removed my newly fitted blinds as they prevented exh from spying throgh my windows.. Only a judge can demand you allow any sort of contact. I would suggest he is bullying you for phone contact so he can claim contact of some sort is already in place and unsupervised should be the next step.
If it's no op it's no - until a judge deems his suitable..
Please get whatever no mol order activated today.

PowerStruggle · 22/05/2020 16:55

You should facilitate remote contact. There is no danger to you or your daughter, you document or record anything that is untoward that goes on, and you can turn off the phone if he starts doing anything weird.

Unfortunately he is her father and she is entitled to a relationship with him, regardless of your own situation. You need to be reasonable so the court will be able to support you. If you just say no to everything it will get twisted. You can’t prevent him having a relationship without cause.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 16:56

Hahahah that’s brilliant @Windyatthebeach, funny and alarming! Ok I over reacted. I’m sick of this PTSD hijacking my brain all the time. I just never trust in doing the right thing. When I get letters saying I’m using dd as a weapon and that he is a loving caring father I freak out. Perhaps I’m the problem etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 16:58

I tried all of this months ago. I sent him letters trying to arrange formally times and days for contact. He said he couldn’t attend. I tried to get a day in the week for him to call, he never replied. I feel like it’s going round in circles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:00

I just feel having something through the court would make it safer for me and dd. These amicable arrangements just give him cause to manipulate.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2020 17:18

No, he doesn't really want contact, he wants to frighten you into shutting up and getting out of the way of the house stuff. When it looks as if you're ready for a fight, he pulls the trump card - ok, I'll have contact with her. Simple. Before that - not interested.

'Daddy's princess' = doesn't see her as a person, just one of his things. Total red flag.

Go hell for leather through court. On contact:

'Why yes that would be wonderful. Safe contact is what we all want, certainly it would be good to look forward to a time when you can pull your weight with caring for DD, as long as we work towards that safely.'

That will NOT be the answer he wants.

You can go into the house any time you want.

He isn't allowed to change the locks.

Who put the deposit down?

You can and shoudl also apply for an occupation order. Get him out and you back in.

Lots of comments on if he loves his DD so much, it's hard to see why he is ok with making her homeless...

Windyatthebeach · 22/05/2020 17:26

Def stop communicating with him. It really won't go against you..
Leave it to solicitors. He isn't to be trusted and you know it. Write a timeline of what you offered and how he came up with excuses.
You aren't doing your dd a disservice keeping him away.
I also had ptsd symptoms (Dr was reluctant to officially diagnose), I was under 7 stone and kept going.
Exh told some terrible lies.
Turned out to be his own downfall.
Stay strong op at this difficult time.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:30

I put down £60,000, with no trust deed because he loved me so much and would never go after it.....what a load of bollocks his words are...soul mate...my arse. God I wish I was mentally stronger, “I’d av him”!!!

What you said @Fizzygreenwater about getting at me when I’m stronger really rings alarm bells. I’m struggling immensely with my memory but I do remember that his threats and attacks and the “big guns” were always pulled out when I began to increase my confidence. I’m so annoyed that I had a breakdown, I feel I would be stronger now if that didn’t happen.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 22/05/2020 17:30

It's your responsibility to have her available a reasonable amount. Thats it.
It is not your responsibility to chase him round offering dates and places. You're busy being her mum and he has a solicitor to communicate his reasonable contact arrangements.
He hasn't done that, requesting access to your home is not reasonable given the history, he has a house he could use for contact and toy car storage, he hasn't offered to use that either.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:31

@Windyatthebeach I’m 5’7” and down to 7 1/2 stone. I eat fine, even more but I can’t put on weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:36

I stopped him @lilmishap from taking her back to the house because it was a disgusting tip, weed on the floor. She has a serious allergy and the house had old food all over the floors. He didn’t put sheets on her bed for 5 months. I was going over and cleaning up for her to go. I stopped and said you need to get a cleaner if you don’t want to keep it safe for her. He wanted to get into a fight about how I was angry that he wouldn’t move out. I tried to tell him it’s about dd, she was coming home throwing up etc its not about who owns the house.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 22/05/2020 17:36

These amicable arrangements just give him cause to manipulate
They are not amicable. They are not giving him cause to manipulate.
He is not amicable. He is manipulative. He has a history of abusive behaviour. He has you and dd out of your own home. He is trying to get access to your temporary home.

Stop trying to be civil, it's a losing battle. Let the solicitors do their job.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:37

It was all a waste of time, he just constantly wanted a reaction from me and I just wanted him to be in control of her environment and keep her safe.

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 22/05/2020 17:39

I’m struggling immensely with my memory

I wonder op if this is true. When i had an Emotionally abusive partner, i thought my memory was terrible. I was doing silly things and forgetting Things. Turns out he was gaslighting me.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:41

I haven’t had any contact with him since Dec. I only contact through solicitors. I was just saying even if we did agree now on something through the solicitor he would just manipulate it. Going to court will be a long process and he will have all the evidence given and will have to stick to whatever contact they agree.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 22/05/2020 17:42

Well thats a disgusting level of neglect isn't it. That's a choice he made.

Bloody hell you do need to disengage though, You've given him far too many chances, he has to start playing by your rules if you refuse to bend them.
Stay firm.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:43

@LilyMarshall I’m year gone. I was heavily gaslighted and mentally abused. My brain is suffering and trying to recalibrate what I was told happened and what really happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 22/05/2020 17:52

On this letter it says my client agrees he may smoke cannabis on a recreational basis but denies smoking in her presence....wtf, why would they include that!

OP posts:
ImperfectAlf · 22/05/2020 18:58

He’s getting his ducks in a row for any court case. He can say you knew and condoned it, (weed use).

Your daughter is entitled to a relationship with her father, as long as its safe to do so . He has responsibility, not rights.