My boyfriend demanded a weeks break away from me

[Trina100]

My BF has recently demanded a break away from me for a week with no contact and I don’t know how to handle it.
We have had a few arguments in the past two weeks which have got heated to the point where he has yelled down the phone in a fit of rage, admitted to throwing things and in one arguments he whacked me with her jackets beacuse I called him a child. I know I shouldn’t have called him that and I apologised. Most of the arguments start because I think he is being selfish or shows lack of care towards my feelings or I feel disrespected.

The past 7 days have been lovely and we’ve got on without arguments until Sunday where I asked him he would come round for 10 mins as I was feeling a bit down and needy and really needed a cuddle. We’d already spent two and half days together the day before so he’s response was “I’m ok on my own today, I’ve already spent 2.5 days with you so I’m ok on my own”! I flipped as I hate when he keeps tabs on how many consecutive days we spend together as it doesn’t leave much hope to eventually living together (we’ve been together for two year already) and I felt disappointed that he refused to be there for me when I needed him the most. He didn’t even asked what was the issue.
Anyway this turned into a shouting fest and know he has brought up other arguments from the past two weeks and have demanded a weeks break/space away from me!

He has always said that he doesn’t do breaks so I can’t help but feel so hurt over this, we speak literally every single day and see each other every two days or so.
He admitted that he needs to really consider if this relationship is what as our arguments bring out a horrible side of him.
I feel like I don’t want to sit around for a week for him to then turn round and end the relationship. I honestly don’t know how to play this or what to do and I really want to call him and resolve things! What do I do! He’s never asked for space before!

I didn’t mention lockdown as I knew there would be some explanation of some kind

Even so, comments re the hug demand still stand for me. You aren’t getting what you want/need from him so it could be you make little tests for him to see if he passes. Ie you knew he would probably say no (as many people would) and this solidified in your mind how he isn’t there for you when you want him to be

There have been many moments in my life where I have wanted and needed a hug. That’s not needy. The part where you over reacted about his response is what I was pointing out where it is no healthy. It is not clear who screams and shouts at who first, whether either of you have any patience with anything

Someone asking for space should be respected. If you don’t want to let him have space then you should break up with him.

It sounds like he's pulling away and you're reacting by clinging. Either he's not the right guy for you because you are mismatched on how much time you want to spend together, or you have some anxiety issues that are causing you to constantly seek reassurance from him. Possibly both are true. Either way, you should learn to self sooth and not rely on your boyfriend to comfort you. What did you used to do when you needed a hug before you met him?

You don’t sound compatible.

He's not responsible for your happiness. You sound very needy. Getting so incredibly angry because he didn't drop everything when you 'needed' him for 10 minutes when he doesn't even live there is unreasonable.

I don't blame him for wanting to take a step back to decide what he wants to do.

I think you need to take that same time to figure out how your behaviour is negatively affecting your relationship and how clingy and unreasonable you appear to be.

We're getting this from your post, not his.

This sounds like a very immature and unequal relationship and I think it would be best for both of you if you called it quits.

He asked for a break. Don't "disrespect" him, give him a break.

Toxic. You are very needy and he has literally attacked you from what you said in your OP. Screaming and shouting at each other is not normal or healthy behaviour. Take the break then end it. I have never got angry because someone refused to travel to me for a cuddle jfc. You're right though, after two years with this behaviour - living together does not seem good!

The fact you are ignoring the lockdown rules when some people haven’t seen their partner for 9 weeks means I’m not in a position to offer you any constructive advice.

As previously stated in case you missed it. We live in separate houses (alone) and had been isolating together in his house. Until I decided to go back to my own home to start work again. I don’t believe any rules have been ignored there and I don’t believe we have caused risk to any other individuals.

"To clarify whist we are all obliged to social distance ourself. We both have our own homes and live alone. We had been isolating together for a number of weeks until I decided to move back to my own home as I had been unforloughed and could start working from home again. Neither of us have any family here where we live and have only been in the house and out for walks. So I wouldn't say we’ve put anyone at risk."

Oh.... ^I^ see, OP. There's rules for them and there's rules for us!

The fact you are ignoring the lockdown rules when some people haven’t seen their partner for 9 weeks means I’m not in a position to offer you any constructive advice.

Yeah same here. I've been reading about/know of parents who have not been able to be with their terminally ill children when they died in hospital because they had to remain with another sibling at home, bereaved people who have no physical support from their families, frontline key workers who have had to live apart from their small children, couples who have been apart for 9 weeks. And then there's OP and her fella who are so special that the rules don't apply to them 🙄

We live in separate houses (alone) and had been isolating together in his house. Until I decided to go back to my own home to start work again. I don’t believe any rules have been ignored there

Except the very clear rule not to mix with anyone from another household.

I don’t believe any rules have been ignored there and I don’t believe we have caused risk to any other individuals.

You chose to isolate together which is fine.

But then you decided to go back home, so you're no longer isolating together and are once again living in separate households, so you shouldn't be seeing each other.

The entire relationship sounds toxic as fuck regardless, though.

Love the massive drip-feed there, OP

It sounds like it is already over. It is hard accepting that a relationship is over, but it sounds too one sided. You should be the one to end it first. Then you can keep your dignity.

If someone flipped at me for refusing to go round to cuddle them for ten minutes after already spending the last 2.5 days away from them I’d be dumping them fast. It’s way too much, yet you seem to think this level of neediness is normal. It really isn’t.

Saying that, he also should not be yelling at hitting you with jackets during arguments. You both sound like you can’t deal with conflict very well and I think it would be better if you made this a permanent break and work on yourselves a bit.

Some people just don’t think the rules apply to them. Meanwhile I’ll just carry on not seeing my loved ones shall I? or shall we all break the rules?

He wanted a bit of alone time, and you've clearly said that you feel your emotional needs trump his. Now you're posting about how he wont jump when you whistle.
Sounds like a bit of space to untangle yourselves a little from each other is a good thing right now.

He's asked for space OP, you need to give it to him, you can't force him to spend time with you.

If you want closure before space, ask him, for example say I want to resolve our problems before we spend time apart - if you're not willing to do that, it means we're over.
See what he says.

He doesn't sound particularly caring or invested in the relationship - the totting up how much time you've spent together and not being interested that you're feeling down (even if he didn't want to come round) aren't good signs, I agree.

The trouble is, when you can feel someone slipping through your fingers there is nothing you can do to stop it. He isn't behaving in the way you would like a partner to - accept that and see that it means the relationship is not a sensible one to pursue any further. You will be perpetually disappointed.

See if he contacts you after the break. If he does you can explain that you don't think it's working either, goodbye. If he doesn't contact you - well, there's all the proof you need!

Dump dump dump. You can do better and you deserve better.

If he wants a break, then give him a break. And that means no calls, no texts, no contact. At All.

IMO, a 'break' is normally a precursor to ending a relationship. In this case I think that would be a GOOD thing.

My sister just ended a relationship with someone who was demanding of her time and attention. She felt smothered due to his neediness. The first thing she did was ask for a break. He didn't respect her request and kept texting her and dropping off things at her door; flowers, cards etc. She had asked for the time to gather her feelings together and evaluate the way things were heading. His lack of respect for her wishes and 'need' to inject himself into her requested 'space' just proved to her that the relationship was not healthy and wasn't adding to her life.

I don't think the issue is whether you've broken the rules or not (we can save that for another thread). What is clear though is you don't seem very happy and you shouldn't have to put up with his anger.

A cuddle when you needed it the most/needed him more than ever/whatever Shakespearean spin you put on it....give over. I can't believe you are 29 years old.

But they've only seen each other - I don't think that is breaking the rules. They only stopped living together so OP could WFH again, ALONE.
They haven't seen anyone else to pass it on to.
If I was on my own and knowing my dad has been, I'd be round there like a shot. But I live with people who do go out so I can't.
OP can though. I really don't see the issue with that.