Marriage has crashed spectacularly, what now?

[SmallWreckingBall]

This is my first post. It has been a long time coming and it’s going to be a long one. I am in a right state and need some guidance.

I have been married for 14 years to a man I thought I was very well suited to and loved to bits. We have 3 dc (aged 7,10,12). It has been a very rocky road, with many close calls re separating and divorce. Some background info - he works at sea so is away more than half the year for long stretches of time with a very unpredictable schedule. I used to work in a stressful profession, all childcare arrangements fell to me to manage while he was away. It was unrewarding (in every way other than financially) and unsustainably stressful. I have suffered on and off with depression, but feel I finally have it under control (with medication, CBT etc). He comes from a very unstable home, with an abusive father he dislikes. My parents are still together - no abuse in the home but definitely a power dynamic that I don’t want for myself.

I stopped working in 2012 when his career started earning well. We are comfortably off so me staying at home has given him the freedom to focus on his job while I hold the fort at home. We are generally careful with money - we put extra into the mortgage every year, have a second hand car that is adequate, don’t go on extravagant holidays etc. But he always seems to be stressed out about money and has taken to keeping a close eye on any money I spend and having a go at me about it. I manage all the bills and am cautious so I don’t feel that this is appropriate or fair. I don’t spend money on clothes, hairdresser or anything like that, mostly just my gardening hobby or things for the kids and the house.

Our family life has become very unhappy. My husband is not emotionally invested in his family or his home - he sees coming home as his time to relax and recharge and gets very resentful when things are not to his liking - he wants to spend time exercising, resting, doing the odd chores that he chooses and being sexually fulfilled. He expects the house to be clean and minimal (he constantly throws things away if he considers them unnecessary without asking). This infuriates me and we clash often, but nothing gets resolved. I do shout at him and initiate arguments because he makes me so angry. I get very anxious when he is about to come home and often withdraw when he is at home because I don’t feel in charge.

Lately he has constantly been making derogatory comments about our home and the area we live in and the people around us and makes jokes about escaping to a beach ‘somewhere’. He is rude to me and says I am lazy and lie on the couch on my phone for hours and constantly berates me for not getting a job. My confidence is at an all time low and the thought of applying for a job terrifies me.

I know I am painting a grim picture. These are the bad bits and it’s not like that all the time. When he is in a good mood it’s great. He loves his kids and spends a lot of time playing with them, but I feel alone when it comes to the challenging bits - getting them to help around the house, homework etc. His contribution is to shout at them. I definitely do shout as well but I am trying to implement better practices - routines backed up with positive praise etc. He just operates according to his own will and ignores any routines I have set up.

I have been alone at home with my children for almost 6 weeks during lockdown. It has been hell. Homeschooling is a nightmare and I have really been struggling, especially with my oldest who has a massive workload posted online daily by his Grammar School. My son has disconnected with his homework and suffers from low mood and is now doing almost nothing. This has me very worried so I spoke to my husband about it on the phone and his approach is to just ignore all work set by the school as “we are not teachers and it is not our responsibility“. He promised that he would be helpful and try and ease the load at home etc.

So. He came home on Friday. The house was clean and tidy, the garden was squared away and watered. The laundry basket was under control and the shopping situation was fine as I had managed to do a big shop. He basically got to do what he wanted when he wanted and all was rosy all weekend. Monday comes around and he got up early, I had a lie in. I asked him to wake our son up to start school. He didn’t. When I did wake up he made the statement “I am not fighting with anybody about homework, I just want to enjoy my son and not see him cry”. I was furious but said nothing. He sent me to Screwfix to get him some decking oil. When I got back he started painting and I worked outside with him on the garden. I started an argument by saying I was annoyed that he hadn’t woken ds up and unimpressed with his attitude towards homeschooling. Argument escalated so I walked inside and tried to get my son involved in his schoolwork. Husband follows me inside and a MASSIVE fight erupts where he is calling me nasty and stupid and spiteful and that I just go round picking fights with everybody. He then starts shouting that he will punch me, all in front of his son who is now sobbing his terrified heart out and begging to be do his homework so the argument will stop. I have to hold my hand up at this point and say that I was not a silent cowering victims - I was answering with equally nasty insults. When he repeatedly threatened to punch me something in me broke and I felt DISGUST for him and mocked him. I wasn’t scared, just disgusted.

Husband has now withdrawn to the dressing cupboard of our room. He is lying on the floor in the dark and refuses to engage with anybody. He is a mixture of seething rage at me and self hatred. He says he will stay there for the week until he has to go to sea again. And then we will go our separate ways. He says things like “it will be b tree for the kids if I am not involved in their lives”.

I go from being fine one moment to bursting into uncontrollable tears the next. I am torn between loving this man and being concerned about his welfare to wanting to tear him to shreds for doing this.

Where do I even start? And how the hell will I ever be able to repair the damage done to my beautiful children?

You both need to figure out if what you’ve got is worth fighting for. Would marriage counselling help?
It’s sounds very toxic at the moment

There are lots of things to unpick but ultimately the situation has escalated to domestic violence in front of your children and they need to feel safe and loved. They must be unhappy too. Personally I would never be financially reliant on a man so if it was me he would be gone from the home but allowed to see the children before he goes back to sea if safe to do so. I would then divorce. So yes I do think you're going to have to get a job so you can plan for a happier future

Seems as if the marriage has become too toxic to continue

Firstly, accept you can't change or reason with him. You are only responsible for your emotions. This is really tough but vital shift. You can't make him behave how you want. Let that go, have no expectations of him. Whenever there is a power struggle, drop the rope so that you are not getting involved in a fight. This is for your own sake and the children.

As a first step I would speak to the school, explain that your son is struggling, give some background to your situation and ask for assistance for your son. Reducing workload might be a way forward to reduce stress as no one in the household is coping.

Secondly work out how you can manage your emotions. If you behaved badly infront of your son talk to him about it and explain it wasn't acceptable. It is important that he sees at least one adult in his life taking responsibility.

Try to figure ways to reduce your stress, can you speak to friends , go for a walk or meditate. Getting through a divorce is tough but if you have coping skills it will be easier.

Accept him moving out. If you can't communicate then just focus on how to build a healthy way to co parent.
Start to look at the finances. What information do you have? Create a budget and see what earnings you will need, use the CMS calculator and also entitled to.

Getting back into work will feel scary but it is do'able. Start thinking of what might be possible, no need to apply yet for jobs but just start to feel positive about the idea.

What family support do you have?

T

Btw, your anger comes from having expectations from him. If you accept he won't meet your needs then the anger will start to disappear. You are not doing it for him but for yourself.

I divorced a similarly toxic man and learnt the mantra, "don't absorb but observe". It really helps to disengage and feel less triggered. Try to be the role model to your children as it helps to break the cycle of abuse.

@Techway
Great advice.

Leave your husband on the floor.
Do not engage.

Your focus must be on your son and children who must be absolutely terrified of what occurred in their home.

If your husband doesn't calm himself right down, call the police.

He has threatened the life of your children's primary carer...they know he is away at sea...who would care for them.

Please reassure them that you are ok, that you are very sorry for shouting and that everything will be ok.

Get him out of the house if he so much as looks at you sideways.

I would be inclined to flag the house with 101.

Your children need one calm, strong parent now...it has to be you OP.

Get your finances in order, paperwork etc.

I’m with @billy

He would have lost all love the minute he threatened to batter you in front of your so
He can Hide away in his womb like a child as much as he likes.

It sounds awful and he would be gone. For the sake of your boy.

Let him go. He frightened your child. You both did. This marriage is over and the sooner you part ways the better.

You need to calm down so you can reassure your children. Ignore your husband for now.

This marriage has to end now before it escalates further.

Your poor kids. Please do not engage with him. Do not start arguments. Just let him lie on the floor and start divorce proceedings.

You're already capable of dealing with everything on your own; you do it anyway. You just won't have to deal with His Lordship coming home as and when and making additional demands.

I agree, counselling sounds worthwhile

That sounds like an endurance test rather than a marriage. I'd honestly end it now before you both harm your child.

Your anger and resentment comes from his lack of respect for you, and is perfectly justified. The arrangement that was established comes with the implicit understanding that the house and children are mostly your responsibility. You are doing a good job.

Yet whenever he is home he dismisses and belittles all your efforts, even falsely accusing you of laziness, and shows you no gratitude. It would be like if you spent most of the time when he was at home criticizing how he did his job.

Even now he seems to have no understanding of how much he has disrespected you and taken you for granted. He's fill of self hatred for threatening you, but also seething anger at you. In his mind it seems he's the one who's been disrespected. He doesn't realize it, but his expectations of you are completely unreasonable and unattainable. Perhaps its best to let him go.

It’s a terrible marriage. And it’s sounds as though you know it and are trying to find the good bits. Honestly people don’t live like this. Fgs don’t try to make any of this work.

Your biggest challenge will be not returning to the status quo. You have spent years ignoring your problems. Blow ups and anger release tension but they mean you don’t resolve anything. I expect it’s your pattern. But it’s an awful example to your children.

What LemonTT said. Especially the first paragraph.
I literally cringed when I read your post OP. Please please make a better life for your children away from this man. Life is too short. It really is.

OK, firstly, arguing about home schooling is ridiculous. You need to have a sit down conversation with him where you both put your opinions across and come to a compromise.

Secondly, he probably sees coming home as a rest from a stressful job and being the money provider. Which is fair. He probably has expectations of what home life should be like. Again fair. However if you have not sat down and discussed how home life should be then this is on you both.

Thirdly, You are not working and have school aged children. Everything should be done. Not to a high standard, you are not super human but should be no need for stuff not to be done if you have the time in the day to do it. (this is different in lock down, so again you need to find a way it works for you and you and your husband need to help each other here and come to an agreement together)

Fouthly, both of you have a temper and a short fuse. This will cause even more conflict. Everything in a marriage needs to be discussed and come to an agreement both parties are happy with.
The problem seems to be a lack of clear and calm communication in your marriage.

Having a blasting row and threatening violence is only going to cause more resentment and nothing will get solved. Even worse when done in front of children.

The only way to save this marriage and yourselves is to have an adult, sit down conversation. No arguing or shouting. No foul language. No kids Involved.
Only tell the truth and do not belittle each other. Talk honestly and listen without judgement. Hear both sides. Both of you get an equal say. Then go from there. Yoh will either save your marriage or you will both decide enough is enough.

This sounds totally awful OP - cannot give any better advice than Techway and Billy as stated above. Big girl pants time and protect your DC's x

Does he have a hard life when he's at sea?

Thank you everybody for your responses. Some sage advice here. I don’t have family nearby (different country), but I do have one or two close friends who can offer support.

It’s time to put on my big girl pants and start looking for work and really just focusing on what is best for my dc.

I actually do yearn for a sense of purpose outside the house and like the idea of working and earning my own money, it’s just I have become very introverted and isolated so it’s a social hurdle to get over. I have a good qualification and consider myself to be competent and hard working, but because of the big gap in my career I will have to convince an employer to take a chance on me. And that requires confidence.

To initiate divorce proceedings, would I do best to approach a mediator first with a view to figuring out how to divide assets etc? Would I have to stipulate emotional abuse as a reason for divorce or is it better all round if we separate for 2 years first?

Your marriage isn't working for anyone in the family. It's time to end it as amicably as possible.

As for your son, is there any provision within the school for him to talk to a teacher on Skype about the difficulties he has in getting motivated? He needs to bear in mind that some children will be doing more than they're asked to do and he'll be part of a disadvantaged group when he returns.

I think the best thing would be to get a lawyer first and follow their advice.

It sounds to me as if this marriage has only lasted this long because he is away at sea most of the time. I think if you’d been stuck in the same house all year, every year, the cracks would have widened long ago.
You both sound very functional when apart - you manage the home and kids very competently and he has held down his job long term.
But you are not a good combination together - he is overly critical, the two of you don’t have an agreed policy with the children, you both argue and fight, and now with the added stress of lockdown, the resentments have erupted into threats of physical violence.
I think you should see a counsellor by yourself, OP - joint marriage counselling with your DH is not recommended when there is abuse or violence.
You need a safe space to discuss with a neutral person all your problems with this relationship, and to work out what you want to do next. You also need to sort out finances and consider what sort of job you might enjoy and be qualified for, and perhaps discuss why your fears are holding you back.
There will be a temporary peace when your DH goes back to sea - use that time to sort all these things out, and make your plans. For your children’s sake as well as your own, things cannot continue like they are.
Sending you strength, OP, and my prayers that the future will be happier.

I would massively urge caution right now. Nobody is functioning in a good way. Can you marshall your ideas, your thoughts, find a very very good therapist private ( remotely unfortunately)

Don't take any major decisions during the Covid madness.

Could you not look at getting a 'stepping stone' job to help you get over the anxiety? So, a job that may not utilise your capabilities and qualifications but could engage you and ease you into the workplace? Given your interest in gardening, something like working in a garden centre, even if it's just watering the plants and helping in the shop?

It sounds like he is horrible to you and doesn’t respect your input into the family at all. Your your youngest is in yr2, yr3 at most and you’ve been pretty much single handedly bringing up 3 children. Now you and you alone are homeschooling them all. Right now I don’t see how you could get a job. So maybe park that one to worry about later.

As for him, I think you both need some time to cool off. I would leave him alone. He alone needs to solve how he’s been with you.

Don't worry about the temporary damage to the kids. You are obviously both better off apart at least for a while. He has clearly never addressed his own past. And you also have considerable resentment to have made a fuss of him not getting the kid up but that rather pales given his behaviour. He may well be very depressed about history repeating itself but if he won't try to change, he can't expect to stay. You can't be with someone with that many issues. It's sad to break up, but the alternative would be far worse for your kids. If he can't manage himself they are indeed better off having occasional visits maybe with his parents or at a public venue.

@Zaphodsotherhead If you've been out of the loop for so long, getting any sort of paid work is going to be very daunting. And even minimum wage jobs requiring few skills are hard to find at the best of times, let alone at the moment.