This is my first post. It has been a long time coming and it’s going to be a long one. I am in a right state and need some guidance.
I have been married for 14 years to a man I thought I was very well suited to and loved to bits. We have 3 dc (aged 7,10,12). It has been a very rocky road, with many close calls re separating and divorce. Some background info - he works at sea so is away more than half the year for long stretches of time with a very unpredictable schedule. I used to work in a stressful profession, all childcare arrangements fell to me to manage while he was away. It was unrewarding (in every way other than financially) and unsustainably stressful. I have suffered on and off with depression, but feel I finally have it under control (with medication, CBT etc). He comes from a very unstable home, with an abusive father he dislikes. My parents are still together - no abuse in the home but definitely a power dynamic that I don’t want for myself.
I stopped working in 2012 when his career started earning well. We are comfortably off so me staying at home has given him the freedom to focus on his job while I hold the fort at home. We are generally careful with money - we put extra into the mortgage every year, have a second hand car that is adequate, don’t go on extravagant holidays etc. But he always seems to be stressed out about money and has taken to keeping a close eye on any money I spend and having a go at me about it. I manage all the bills and am cautious so I don’t feel that this is appropriate or fair. I don’t spend money on clothes, hairdresser or anything like that, mostly just my gardening hobby or things for the kids and the house.
Our family life has become very unhappy. My husband is not emotionally invested in his family or his home - he sees coming home as his time to relax and recharge and gets very resentful when things are not to his liking - he wants to spend time exercising, resting, doing the odd chores that he chooses and being sexually fulfilled. He expects the house to be clean and minimal (he constantly throws things away if he considers them unnecessary without asking). This infuriates me and we clash often, but nothing gets resolved. I do shout at him and initiate arguments because he makes me so angry. I get very anxious when he is about to come home and often withdraw when he is at home because I don’t feel in charge.
Lately he has constantly been making derogatory comments about our home and the area we live in and the people around us and makes jokes about escaping to a beach ‘somewhere’. He is rude to me and says I am lazy and lie on the couch on my phone for hours and constantly berates me for not getting a job. My confidence is at an all time low and the thought of applying for a job terrifies me.
I know I am painting a grim picture. These are the bad bits and it’s not like that all the time. When he is in a good mood it’s great. He loves his kids and spends a lot of time playing with them, but I feel alone when it comes to the challenging bits - getting them to help around the house, homework etc. His contribution is to shout at them. I definitely do shout as well but I am trying to implement better practices - routines backed up with positive praise etc. He just operates according to his own will and ignores any routines I have set up.
I have been alone at home with my children for almost 6 weeks during lockdown. It has been hell. Homeschooling is a nightmare and I have really been struggling, especially with my oldest who has a massive workload posted online daily by his Grammar School. My son has disconnected with his homework and suffers from low mood and is now doing almost nothing. This has me very worried so I spoke to my husband about it on the phone and his approach is to just ignore all work set by the school as “we are not teachers and it is not our responsibility“. He promised that he would be helpful and try and ease the load at home etc.
So. He came home on Friday. The house was clean and tidy, the garden was squared away and watered. The laundry basket was under control and the shopping situation was fine as I had managed to do a big shop. He basically got to do what he wanted when he wanted and all was rosy all weekend. Monday comes around and he got up early, I had a lie in. I asked him to wake our son up to start school. He didn’t. When I did wake up he made the statement “I am not fighting with anybody about homework, I just want to enjoy my son and not see him cry”. I was furious but said nothing. He sent me to Screwfix to get him some decking oil. When I got back he started painting and I worked outside with him on the garden. I started an argument by saying I was annoyed that he hadn’t woken ds up and unimpressed with his attitude towards homeschooling. Argument escalated so I walked inside and tried to get my son involved in his schoolwork. Husband follows me inside and a MASSIVE fight erupts where he is calling me nasty and stupid and spiteful and that I just go round picking fights with everybody. He then starts shouting that he will punch me, all in front of his son who is now sobbing his terrified heart out and begging to be do his homework so the argument will stop. I have to hold my hand up at this point and say that I was not a silent cowering victims - I was answering with equally nasty insults. When he repeatedly threatened to punch me something in me broke and I felt DISGUST for him and mocked him. I wasn’t scared, just disgusted.
Husband has now withdrawn to the dressing cupboard of our room. He is lying on the floor in the dark and refuses to engage with anybody. He is a mixture of seething rage at me and self hatred. He says he will stay there for the week until he has to go to sea again. And then we will go our separate ways. He says things like “it will be b tree for the kids if I am not involved in their lives”.
I go from being fine one moment to bursting into uncontrollable tears the next. I am torn between loving this man and being concerned about his welfare to wanting to tear him to shreds for doing this.
Where do I even start? And how the hell will I ever be able to repair the damage done to my beautiful children?