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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is behind his obsession with this woman, I really don’t understand!

160 replies

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 01:46

Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body shape she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

They never had sex, they almost did, but they had promisedeach other they would wait, so one day they went out, drinked wine, danced in his APARTMENT, the started kissing in his bed, she stayed with panties and bras and him in boxers, yet it is true that they did not have sex they actually just cuddled , then why in the world did she just stayed with panties and a bra, and not in full clothes if it was not their intention to have sex?! It’s all just weird and does not make sense at all.

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.
Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. WHY? I have no clue.

OP posts:
DrDavidBanner · 23/05/2020 10:50

He's not trying to fuck with your head, he is fucking with your head.

Bunnymumy · 23/05/2020 11:57

Only read your first post but, it sounds like narcissistic triangulation to me: When they keep banging on about their ex to make you feel 'not good enough in comparison' or like a second choice.

If she actually stopped it going further it would explain why he then has to devalue her too after talking about how hot she was (to devalue you).

Narcissists are also never happy with what they've got. So they tend to remind us about the past or talk if other things they want, places they'd like to be rather than just being content in the moment.

They obsess over people that have dared to tell them no. 'How dare they walk away from me? ..
Well, whatever, I didn't like them anyway, they were nasty and actually, I had already emotionally detached from them first, so actually, I walked away from them!'.

Either way, it isnt normal to go into the detail he has about things woman with a new partner. Its sick and creepy.

Bunnymumy · 23/05/2020 11:58

*about this

ScrambledSmegs · 23/05/2020 12:23

Fuck sake woman. He's negging you. He's not being subtle about it, he's blatant.

So ask yourself why? It's definitely not a good relationship if one person in it feels the need to crush the self esteem of the other.

AgentJohnson · 23/05/2020 17:45

Op, your desperation is showing.

Denisee07 · 24/05/2020 02:53

@Bunnymumy, You are spot on, he honestly doesn’t seem happy, besides the fact that his ex wife died of cancer last year, it was tough on him for god noes what reason( this has been a mystery to everyone) even his coworkers who told him to go to a psychologist, this is how bad it was.

They were already divorced for like 7 years, no kids, and even after they got divorced they never cut the umbilical cord plus the cats and dogs.

His ex wife was 43 and he was 30 when they got married, since the beginning ( or so I heard it was not a good marriage ). He married her, supposedly as a greatful act, ( maybe she gave him a legal status here in United States) this is what it looks like to me and everyone that knows his story.

**The point is this guy never seems to be happy, he always has issues , pending stuff, I don’t get him, he seems like he has issues, and his face looks as if he was always worried ir thinking anout something or someone that makes him down, I quit trying to decipher him. Just too difficult and complicated.

Perhaps he really us a narcissist and tries to hide it ir something weird.

OP posts:
GinghamStyle · 24/05/2020 03:31

You can pour your love and kindness into this man, but it won’t change him. He’s an abyss, a bottomless pit that will never be full. You’re giving your energy to him, and he’s greedily accepting it, but it’ll never change him, not in the slightest. All that you can do is choose your own self esteem, choose self worth, choose to ditch him and move on.

ConcreteUnderpants · 24/05/2020 09:36

OP. After reading the whole thread, I think you are well suited to each other.
You are both unhealthily obsessed with the ex and can only talk about her.
You have constantly ignored all questions and comments not related to her and posted a thread about the same thing a few months ago.

For your own sanity, although I know I’m wasting my breath, leave him. You need to escape this whole situation, be alone and get some counselling on your issues and sort out your mental health.

DrDavidBanner · 24/05/2020 09:46

Do you know what @Denisee07 one day soon you'll see the light and get the strength to leave him and I can guarantee that years from now after you've moved on he'll be spouting the same sorry tale to some other poor woman about Denisee, the one who got away and who she'll never match and she'll spend too much time and energy trying to compete with his fantasised version of you.

He's living in the past with rose tinted specs and he'll never ever be happy, but thats his choice. You don't have to live it too.

Notmoresugar · 24/05/2020 10:16

Simply, why do you put yourself through it?
The problem is with you.
Break it off and stop being the underdog.
Keep strong.
Know your self-worth.

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