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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is behind his obsession with this woman, I really don’t understand!

160 replies

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 01:46

Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body shape she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

They never had sex, they almost did, but they had promisedeach other they would wait, so one day they went out, drinked wine, danced in his APARTMENT, the started kissing in his bed, she stayed with panties and bras and him in boxers, yet it is true that they did not have sex they actually just cuddled , then why in the world did she just stayed with panties and a bra, and not in full clothes if it was not their intention to have sex?! It’s all just weird and does not make sense at all.

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.
Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. WHY? I have no clue.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2020 17:24

He's way too old to be behaving like a star struck teenager. The fact he hasn't grown out of it by now just shows how pathetic he is.

CaribouCarafe · 17/05/2020 17:25

He sounds less appealing in every post.

You're only 32 - find someone better to spend your life with.

Tappering · 17/05/2020 17:37

@Northernsoullover - it's very common in the US, as 'pants' means 'trousers' over there.

browzingss · 17/05/2020 17:38

How old is she? Assuming she’s much younger than him

styleseeker72 · 17/05/2020 17:39

I don't think it's terribly weird. I've Googled old crushes before, mostly because I'm nosey.

If you're happy with the relationship overall, then ask him why he's Googled her so much and if he still fancies her. A crush is not the end of the world or a dump-able offence in my opinion, but the way he reacts to you bringing it up is. If he's willing to stop Googling or obsessing about her, then you can move on. If not, or he gets defensive, then you might have a problem. Sometimes people don't realise they have a problem until you point it out.

styleseeker72 · 17/05/2020 17:41

Should have added, if your relationship is meh overall, then just dump and move on.

Vretz · 17/05/2020 17:52

Sounds like he's in a midlife crisis.
Seriously, if you are 32 and he is 48... Just go. You are at different points in life.

DrDavidBanner · 17/05/2020 18:13

Any man who has to tell you he's a good man is not a good man. He sounds like a waste of space to me, you're 32 stop wasting your life on him.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2020 18:32

Its clear some pp are so ignorant about language used in other parts of the world. Panties is the normal terminology for knickers in the USA.

OP... find yourself another man who doesn't bang on about his almost ex GF.

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 18:33

@NameChange84, Well they met, he was doing a reconstruction project on this building where she worked in ( she was the project manager) the first time they met she was still with her boyfriend, then, then send my bf to another project at another place, and in Feb 2017 they send him back to this building again , and she no longer had a ring ( engagement ring) her boyfriend had dumped her for another woman that he happened to have married immediately after dumping her. (He told me all if this).

According to everything my bf told me about her, this woman was devastated and vulnerable after her boyfriend dumped her, he also told me she was very flirtatious with every man working on that project, she was alwats chatting on her phone.

I got a chance to see a picture on his phone, he has this Woman on facebook, I don’t get why he needs to google her. Anyways she posted a picture of her and my boyfriend, when he was leaving to another country for a new project they had sent him to, she said: I will miss you x, you have been a great friend, and I can say it’s difficult to find a person to call a “friend” she was just saying FRIEND in all the message, so that got me confused a little.

OP posts:
Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 19:35

@Opentooffers, He never mentioned her in our FIRST dates it was months after, we were already going out like around our 7-8 th month.

He then went at it.Wink

OP posts:
Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 19:44

@opentooffers, At that time, I didn’t even know she worked there, or who she was or anything, then I was like oh WOW he took me there!!🤔

OP posts:
Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 20:00

@browzingss She is 42.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 17/05/2020 21:34

OP you're not acknowledging that you had the exact same thread months ago and nothing new has happened.

No one can tell you anything about your partners frame of mind or if or why he's obsessed with her.

But you're obsessing about it and have been for a long time. It's not healthy.
What do you want people to say to you?

Also worth noting that the thread was closed "pending review" on the other website. Something which very rarely happens over there so the mods must have found it to be suspect!

NoMoreDickheads · 17/05/2020 21:46

^he would tell me: “ you are not gonna find a better men than me, I am very good man, that treats you an gives you what you want”

He would Always praise himself saying he was a good man and I would not find one like him!^

He's narcissistic. He has a high opinion of himself and so he can't get his head round that she didn't want to carry on/start a proper relationship with him.

Either way, he's a dickhead. #NoMoreDickheads - put him in the bin where he belongs.

Elieza · 17/05/2020 21:57

He’s only with you as he can’t get her, sorry OP.

She’s obviously not been up for dating him. He’s not accepted that.

I’d not be putting up with being his second best.

Have some pride, you can do better with someone else who wants you for you.

I’d suggest dump and move on.

DrewByMann · 17/05/2020 22:45

Your boyfriend is strange and has issues.

Many of us have had little social encounters with people who are quite “impressive” ( I’ve done customer service roles when younger and been chatted up/had a brief date with footballers/millionaires etc)

Also I agree doing a cheeky google of ex’s sometimes happens.

What is weird is then pegging our whole identity around it?

It’s a two way thing with her and him - she enjoys the attention and he likes being in the role of admirer?

I mean there’s lot of physically attractive women with good jobs who post photos of themselves on Instagram etc (it does make me laugh a bit that a lot of them style themselves as “models” when they aren’t actually earning any money from it, more selfies in bathroom mirrors Hmm)

Maybe looking at this stuff when bored and privately thinking “she’s cute” is fine.

But verbally describing this like it’s the most important thing in the word is indicative of deeper psychological issues.

Candyfloss99 · 17/05/2020 23:26

Wow just read your updates. You are both obsessed wth this poor woman.

Denisee07 · 18/05/2020 16:38

@DrewByMann I agree a 100%. Deep rooted issues, complex issues, low self esteem, insecurity, idealizing woman etc. Confused

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/05/2020 10:14

The opposite of Mr Right, in other words.

Opentooffers · 20/05/2020 12:27

Whenever you found out about the obsession, is the moment you should of ended it, yet from what's been said you are still with him months further on. Ask yourself why you are still with him?
Yes he's got issues, but so have you otherwise you'd of dumped him long ago. End this and sort yourself out ( by not dating for a good while and considering your part in all this).

Chatons · 20/05/2020 12:37

Good lord, dump and move on. Life is too short for this nonsense!

You come across as very obsessive yourself. Maybe counselling would help.

C0RA · 20/05/2020 12:44

Why are you wasting your time with some middle aged bloke whose not even that into you?

You are 32 - dump him and get on with your life.

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2020 13:23

Simple question: Why are you bothering?

backseatcookers · 20/05/2020 14:18

Bloody hell you sound like a woman possessed OP.

You are OBSESSED with this woman when instead you should be wondering why the fuck you're with this man when you're clearly in such a toxic and unhealthy relationship with him.