Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is behind his obsession with this woman, I really don’t understand!

160 replies

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 01:46

Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body shape she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

They never had sex, they almost did, but they had promisedeach other they would wait, so one day they went out, drinked wine, danced in his APARTMENT, the started kissing in his bed, she stayed with panties and bras and him in boxers, yet it is true that they did not have sex they actually just cuddled , then why in the world did she just stayed with panties and a bra, and not in full clothes if it was not their intention to have sex?! It’s all just weird and does not make sense at all.

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.
Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. WHY? I have no clue.

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 17/05/2020 06:25

It doesn't really matter what is behind his obsession, does it? But if you really want to know, ask him. You clearly don't like it so you need to think whether you really want to continue this relationship.

feelingfragile · 17/05/2020 06:31

Ego. He had a flirtation with a hot woman who was appealing to others. He misses that feeling as opposed to wanting to be with her.

Sounds like a bit of a tosser I'm afraid. Do you actually want to be with him?

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 06:42

@feelingfragile He told me he thought this girl was the one when he met her, i was like Shock, he just met her and thought she was the one, this was a little creepy and quick to me. Screams like IDEALIZATION .

OP posts:
Whenwillthisbeover · 17/05/2020 06:46

I’d get sacked for letting someone use my work laptop.

Misses point.

Quarantimespringclean · 17/05/2020 06:48

It sounds to me like he wants you to be fully aware that he is doing you a favour by going out with you and never forget that he could do better.

feelingfragile · 17/05/2020 06:51

I'm not surprised. He put her on a pedestal because of the superficial stuff and the fact that others liked her but the more he got to know her he wasn't keen. But he doesn't want to let go of the fantasy and the ego boost he gets from knowing that he nearly got it on with this idealised woman that other people fancy.

I suppose many of us may have had these moments but the difference is that most of us let it go and don't go on about it, especially to the new girlfriend. I'd be less bothered by the googling unless it's very frequent (I suspect most of us will have googled an ex at some point or another) and more concerned by the fact that he talks to you about her in these terms. Worrying lack of awareness and boundaries.
Is he worth the stress?

speakout · 17/05/2020 06:58

They never had sex, they almost did, but they had promisedeach other they would wait, so one day they went out, drinked wine, danced in his APARTMENT, the started kissing in his bed, she stayed with panties and bras and him in boxers, yet it is true that they did not have sex they actually just cuddled , then why in the world did she just stayed with panties and a bra, and not in full clothes if it was not their intention to have sex?

He told you this??!!!

This woman dumped him and he carries a torch. Get rid.

Vellum · 17/05/2020 07:00

The ex is irrelevant, your boyfriend sounds like a complete headcase with all that endless boring on about God removing the woman with the hourglass figure from his life. If someone talked about the ‘bra and panties’ worn by this ex for some kind of God-haunted ‘not quite sex session’ (what were they, sixteen???), I would laugh so much I would turn inside out like a Marigold.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 17/05/2020 07:04

Yawn. So much drama.

Honestly there are lots of other men out there who wouldn't bore you to tears with this kind of self obsessed, sex obsessed crap!

saleorbouy · 17/05/2020 07:04

I think you need to get a new boyfriend who has his eyes on reality and places you at its centre. He's living in a dream world thinking about " the one that got away." Clearly in his mind and unfortunately for you he seems not to view you in the same light. Time to turn away and find someone to put you on a pedestal and appreciate you as " the one" leave him to dream away and come back to reality with a bump when he finds you're bored of his fantasy world and have moved on.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 17/05/2020 07:06

He is not treating you like a human being he cares about and respects. The rest is smoke and mirrors.

sammylady37 · 17/05/2020 07:07

Going past the building where she works on your first date sounds very familiar- have you posted about this before??

Goatinthegarden · 17/05/2020 07:29

The Googling bit is fine. I look up exes, old friends and random acquaintances from time to time and it doesn’t mean anything romantic.

The rest though. Odd and disrespectful. Why is he telling you how amazing she is (Is the subtext that he doesn’t think you live up to this woman..?). Why is he so obsessed with someone he had a brief encounter with who clearly wants nothing to do with him?

Get rid.

Fallsballs · 17/05/2020 07:30

Did your boyfriend really utter that cringefest ?
You need to wonder why you’re listening to such shite.

Gobbycop · 17/05/2020 07:30

Really weird.

Especially the dry humping session. Do adults really do that?

Fallsballs · 17/05/2020 07:33

The first thing I do when I meet a new guy is make him sleep in his designer pants and show him my ex’s luxury office building - who wouldn’t ?

Windmillwhirl · 17/05/2020 07:33

I'd say quite a few of tbe details you know are fantasy. I'd be gone. He's obsessed, as already stated.

Choice4567 · 17/05/2020 07:36

Well then why did carry on seeing him if he did all this at the beginning? Why are you still together?

Treacletoots · 17/05/2020 07:40

And you carried on seeing him?

Pick what is left of your self esteem and check yourself into immediate therapy as to why you are happy to accept being treated so disrespectfully

What on earth does this man have that makes you want him so bad, a solid gold cock? Next please.

category12 · 17/05/2020 07:46

And just so your jaw drops, our first days of dating ( including 1st date) he actually took me to see this wonderful luxury building that he worked in and hold on tight, where this GIRL WORKED

My jaw drops that you gave him a second date and got with him. What on earth were you thinking?

CaribouCarafe · 17/05/2020 07:49

Yeah I wouldn't mind the Googling - I'm guilty of that too, but not in a romantic way. For me it's more a case that some people lead lives that are genuinely interesting to me and I appreciate peeking in without actually talking to them any more.

But going on about his ex all the time is immature and inconsiderate of your feelings. It almost feels like 'negging' where he's chipping away at your self-esteem so that he can manipulate you into being appreciative of him choosing to be in a relationship with you.

Considering he's been like this from the first date, I don't think he's going to improve any time soon. I think you should consider whether you'd actually want to continue a relationship with him.

mathanxiety · 17/05/2020 08:01

This man sounds really, really, really weird.

The God business, the reference to his sexual hangups (this is what all that respect business and bra, panties and boxers in bed is about) and the fact that he can't admit she dumped him - all bespeak a very creepy and probably messed up individual.

Honestly, I would dump him. He is not ready for a relationship with a real woman.

...he just met her and thought she was the one, this was a little creepy and quick to me.

Yes to your assessment. He is a very creepy man.

Dump, run.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 17/05/2020 08:01

He probably wanted to run into her and hope that she felt jealous after seeing him on a date

DrDavidBanner · 17/05/2020 08:20

I thought that too Mnthrowaway20202

I also think it was a 'test' that you passed with flying colours Denisee07. Some guys like to do it for fun www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3911296-He-admitted-he-was-testing-me . Its called how low can I set the bar but you don't have to play it.

How long have you been together, how long had they parted before you met? To me it seems odd that he gave you so much detail about their time together. Did he just volunteer it or was it something you'd been asking him about?
I wouldn't be happy about a new boyfriend obsessing over someone he'd split up with and would probably not want to pursue the relationship.

TomNook · 17/05/2020 08:26

No one says panties.

No woman anyway

Swipe left for the next trending thread