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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is behind his obsession with this woman, I really don’t understand!

160 replies

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 01:46

Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body shape she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

They never had sex, they almost did, but they had promisedeach other they would wait, so one day they went out, drinked wine, danced in his APARTMENT, the started kissing in his bed, she stayed with panties and bras and him in boxers, yet it is true that they did not have sex they actually just cuddled , then why in the world did she just stayed with panties and a bra, and not in full clothes if it was not their intention to have sex?! It’s all just weird and does not make sense at all.

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.
Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. WHY? I have no clue.

OP posts:
JazzyTheDog · 17/05/2020 08:30

It doesn’t sound like you should have given him a second date OP, who goes on a date then goes on endlessly about some other girl he had the hots for? I hope you haven’t been dating long because it sounds like someone you’d be well rid of.

NameChange84 · 17/05/2020 08:42

How do you know any of this is true?

Some of it sounds like pure fantasy to me. Someone I know who stalked a woman who had never given him the time of day and he spoke about her as if she was a celebrity bringing up her name at any given opportunity, regularly goes past her home, visits her work etc and gives everyone the impression that they have some sort of history. He’s been obsessed with her for decades now. The police went to him about it but he tells everyone that “she cheated on him”. Again, she’s never had anything more than a brief passing hello, DECADES ago. He spends a lot of time on his computer looking up what she is doing now etc. I’ve no doubt any real life girlfriend would hear about her a lot.

This man you are with is a creep who is hung up on someone else and possibly a complete fantasist. Have you ever seen him actually interact with this woman? Visiting her place of work so many times when he has no reason to go there is creepy as fuck.

NameChange84 · 17/05/2020 08:45

@TomNook I don’t think the OP has English as a first language. I’ve never heard American women say anything but panties! Knickers isn’t universally used. Outside of the UK, panties is used more often.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/05/2020 08:58

I would say we all google old bfs etc but he sounds a twat !

dottiedodah · 17/05/2020 09:02

I think there is more to this than meets the eye TBH. She has either dumped him,or he is dreaming of her and its a fantasy in his head ! Either way probably not too much future for you ,unless you want to be second best (not good!)

VettiyaIruken · 17/05/2020 09:04

Noone says panties?
Someone needs to let American women know.

areyoubeingserviced · 17/05/2020 09:10

The issue is you Op. Putting up with crap from this bore smacks of low self esteem.
I don’t know how you can put up with it tbh. It couldn’t be me

Spied · 17/05/2020 09:11

He's already told you that you'll never be as good as this woman and plus he sounds really creepy.
I'd not waste a second more of my time.

overnightangel · 17/05/2020 09:13

Sounds like you’re obsessed as well @Denisee07 regurgitating all that detail

overnightangel · 17/05/2020 09:14

Also 🤢 at “panties”

RantyAnty · 17/05/2020 09:16

Why are you dating him?????

Tappering · 17/05/2020 09:26

You sound as obsessed with his Ex as he is.

He's not over her - she's the one that got away.

Dump him and find someone else.

Daisy12Maisie · 17/05/2020 09:27

I'm still googling my ex who dumped me in January...
Looking at his twitter. I suppose hopping it will say I've made the worst mistake ever!
I've deleted his phone number and blocked him on social media so this is the only thing I do

It means I know its over but I wish it wasnt and I'm still thinking about him. When I no longer feel the need to google him then I assume that means I'm over it.

missperegrinespeculiar · 17/05/2020 09:27

he sounds creepy an pathetic, you should ask yourself why you are putting up with this

I hope he doesn't end up stalking this poor woman, if he isn't already!

fuckoffImcounting · 17/05/2020 09:28

I am often googling people I know because I am nosy Fucker.

madcatladyforever · 17/05/2020 09:32

He is such a boring cliche. Yet another example of a man thinking with his dick and placing physical looks above all else.
Also puts her down because she didn't want him in the end so holds a grudge too.
I'd be kissing him goodbye.

rosabug · 17/05/2020 09:33

If it wasn't her it would be something else. It's a distancing device.
That does 2 things.

1/ Lets you feel you are not quite good enough (you are - it's him, he's do this to any partner he had). which....

2/ Keeps him above and distant from true intimacy (and reality).

If you don't call out and step on this bullshit fast and hard - he will continue to erode your confidence with this la la land crap.

megrichardson · 17/05/2020 09:35

I too think that his story is all a load of lies. I bet they happened to work together and he made all the stuff up about her, what a creep.

recycledteenager24 · 17/05/2020 09:35

imo opinion alot of this is a nice little fantasy he has cooked up in his head and attached more detail to than really happened.
she probably rejected him but he's put her on a pedestal and in his mind this such all actually happened, so now he's brought you into the wankfest.
i'd dump him, he clearly doesn't love you while he's acting like this.

EllaPaella · 17/05/2020 09:35

This thread is so weird. The whole 'she was in her panties' thing is just bizarre. HmmConfused
Really why would you carry on spending so much time with a man who was behaving like this? I can't imagine how you know all of the detail about what they did in bed, why would anyone want to hear what their partner had got up to in bed with a woman they are clearly still obsessed with? Odd.

F0RESTGRUMP · 17/05/2020 09:45

You both sound weird.

ProudMarys · 17/05/2020 09:45

Why are you with him then?? Just dump his obsessive arse and be done with him

Weallhavevalidopinions · 17/05/2020 09:45

Pining over a women he never had.

I would dump him since he appears unable to appreciate you. Find someone you is invested in you not harping on about another woman.

I wouldn't waste my time on him

Lovemusic33 · 17/05/2020 09:53

Ditch him, he obviously has a unhealthy obsession with this woman, he’s never excepted that she didn’t want him.

He’s probably googling her name looking for photos of her to master bait over.

Seriously, you will never be good enough for him because he’s living in a fantasy world where he is with this other woman. He sounds like a creep. Never settle for someone who treats you as 2nd best, someone who doesn’t make you feel like your the best thing ever. You deserve better.

Candyfloss99 · 17/05/2020 09:53

They were never in a relationship to begin with, just getting to know each other.

Even worse that he told you then. Just stop worrying about it and dump him. He sounds like a complete weirdo.