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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is behind his obsession with this woman, I really don’t understand!

160 replies

Denisee07 · 17/05/2020 01:46

Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body shape she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

They never had sex, they almost did, but they had promisedeach other they would wait, so one day they went out, drinked wine, danced in his APARTMENT, the started kissing in his bed, she stayed with panties and bras and him in boxers, yet it is true that they did not have sex they actually just cuddled , then why in the world did she just stayed with panties and a bra, and not in full clothes if it was not their intention to have sex?! It’s all just weird and does not make sense at all.

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.
Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. WHY? I have no clue.

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 20/05/2020 18:07

I agree PP.
You are both obsessed with this woman. It’s slightly creepy and definitely unhealthy.
Call it quits and move on. Both of you.

Denisee07 · 21/05/2020 20:36

I just hate the fact that when he looks at me, it’s in a weird like sweet but hypocrite way like saying: yeah uhuh you will never be enough for me, more beautiful than that girl etc etc.

I did some new photoshoots my friend took and she called me to say how beautiful I looked in the pictures..( she aas in the speaker and said hi to my boyfriend) and well she talked very highly of me and how they love me at work, and he was like oh yeah, great jaja, then later she told me, your boyfriend sounds very blant and insipid when I talked about you.

He never even asked me oh can I see the photos?
He definitely must think I’m inferior and good looking than this girl.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 21/05/2020 21:47

Now you're going on about him not being interested in your photos & not thinking you more beautiful than another woman.. ? You're in a deadbeat 'relationship' with a guy who's just not that into you. It's not as if you don't know. You're both obsessed with a woman who isn't even around anymore. You both need help.

wildcherries · 21/05/2020 22:10

You're as obsessed as he is, it's not healthy. He isn't interested enough in you (or your photos) for you to be giving him this much headspace. Try to move on.

borntohula · 21/05/2020 22:14

Eww he sounds seriously obsessed! She would prob be creeped out if she knew, I know I would.

user1481840227 · 21/05/2020 23:06

I really think this must all be in your head.
You're not listening to anyone at all....you're not answering questions about why you're still with him. You had this exact thread at the start of the year and nothing new has happened with that woman, you're just comparing yourself to her all the time and thinking that your boyfriend is comparing you both.

artyandtarty · 21/05/2020 23:27

OP .....kick this creepy lusting after HER infactuated stalkerish disrespectful fucking twat out of your life.

Why have you put up with this? He sounds weirdly obsessed, this isn't normal. He's being disrespectful to you! Bin him off so he can continue his erm 'obsession'

What a creep!!!!

I can't believe you are still with him after witnessing him sounding all bitter & banging on about it/her Confused

Vom 🤮

Sittingontheveranda · 22/05/2020 01:24

You sound so insecure OP which is probably a combination of 1. Being insecure in yourself personally and 2. Your boyfriend’s talk about some idealised woman
and 3. Comparing yourself unfavourable to this woman.

I suspect that just as your boyfriend thought this idealistic woman was out of his league, that you think your boyfriend is out of your league.

You are clinging on to a man who isn’t interested enough in you. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that somebody else won’t be interested in you. If you have had the misfortune of poor previous relationships, your confidence is probably very low.

This man is not going to give you what you need. Maybe you need a little time on your own to work on your own self confidence before being in a relationship again. Our past defines us but the only way to make us heal is by taking action ourselves and reaching out to a professional or close friends. Let this man go OP. He is going to bring you down even further. Don’t give him years of your life.

artyandtarty · 22/05/2020 08:19

OP you are forming the very same obsession with the situation that he currently has over her.

PP say we've been here before & that obviously nothing has changed?
What do you want us to say? What do you want us to tell you? Surely by now it's bothering you a great deal. Ask yourself why you are still with the obsessed moron & where is your self respect?!!!!!

It's very clear here he has placed her on some sort of pedestal, and as other posters have suggested I too doubt he is telling the truth, it sounds like a fantasy made up, especially the detail he has gone into. Vom Confused

The way you write about the whole situation & her is unnerving .... it sounds like you are now obsessing over why he is obsessed with her.

Enough is enough OP.

Walk away & save your sanity, you sound obsessed just like he is with her!

JudyCoolibar · 22/05/2020 09:05

There is just no future in this relationship if you feel you are always second best to this fantasy woman. You will feel so much more free and happy if you dump this man.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 22/05/2020 11:42

I feel sorry for this woman. She literally has obsessive fans in both of you. Meanwhile she isn’t thinking about you at all.

Halestorm · 22/05/2020 12:41

He's waiting for the slightest hint from her that he's in with another chance.
And this time he'll make sure he takes it.

He's not a nice man at all.

queenqueenqueen · 22/05/2020 12:51

Get rid

backseatcookers · 22/05/2020 17:15

You aren't listening to anyone OP.

This isn't about this girl. It really isn't. Your life shouldn't revolve around your fixation on her.

Your problem is simple. Your boyfriend doesn't feel about you the way you want him to. This means you should break up.

You are refusing to engage with any suggestions that aren't about this woman.

It's odd and unhealthy you are fixated with her. You are more obsessed with her than your boyfriend, can't you see how unhealthy that is?!

It's because you're unhappy and insecure in the relationship. And you're unhappy and insecure in yourself.

You need to break up, work on your self esteem and start to enjoy life! It doesn't need to be like this, you can be happy!

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2020 17:24

Christ why would you wish to be with someone who makes it clear you’re second best and that he’s doing you a favour?

It doesn’t matter if he’s obsessed with this woman or just a dickhead trying to make you jealous, talking about another woman’s body, her breasts, what they did or didn’t do in bed, complimenting her and talking about her, should give you the ick, but to stay with someone who tells you straight you’re second best is not a healthy thing to do. It’s nothing short of self harm

Who gives a fuck about him. The question is why you’d stay with someone like that and why you’re not ending it?

Elieza · 22/05/2020 17:38

You know yourself he’s not seeing you as his The One.

Dump and move on.
The longer you stay with him you’re missing out on a nice guy who will love you for you.

Elieza · 22/05/2020 17:39

He could be right round the corner. Single. You don’t know till you dump that guy and get out and about as a single person again.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2020 18:07

He is clearly a fantasist who is way more into fantasy than someone real. He couldn't handle a real relationship if it jumped up and bit him on the bum.

Denisee07 · 22/05/2020 21:55

@artyandtarty And now, ( since I have been working out) I have been working out way before I met him ( gymaholic) so in quarantine I had to workout at home, so almost right now finished working out, and he says :”are you doing abdominals? I said just here and there, I hate doing abs, but prefer cardio, so he stars saying that a woman looks amazing with flat abs and small waist, literally he told me indirectly or so I felt, that he was saying that I have a stomach or my waist is not there, I have a very good body.

And know all of a sudden he says this, is he trying to fuc with my head? Or Do I really need to do more abdominals and my stomach looks not quite good enough?

Why the hell is he trying to bring me dowm with these comments, like what is it? Dam

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 22/05/2020 21:59

Why the hell is he trying to bring me dowm with these comments, like what is it? Dam

He is very obviously trying to make you feel so shit that you don't believe you can do better than an utter cunt like him.

And for some unfathomable reason it's working.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 22/05/2020 22:01

You’ve let him get away with these nasty put downs for so long that he thinks it’s normal behaviour. Call him out, or better yet dump him and find someone else. This sounds like such a shit relationship, we’re all wondering why you’re staying

Chatons · 22/05/2020 23:27

Tell him men look amazing with a big cock, just like your ex.

Then for the love of god, dump him.

WHY HAVEN’T YOU DUMPED HIM ARE YOU CRAZY

Wearywithteens · 23/05/2020 00:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sittingontheveranda · 23/05/2020 01:14

Or Do I really need to do more abdominals and my stomach looks not quite good enough?

OP He is a shit. Everybody is telling you the same thing but you don’t want to do anything about it. You cannot blame this man for making you think like this. You don’t have children together, you can walk away at any time. You are choosing to stay. Why?

What were your past relationships like?

DeeCeeCherry · 23/05/2020 01:39

I think OP is now talking to herself...

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