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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His ex..

77 replies

JH88 · 16/05/2020 15:17

Basically, hes still living with his ex. We have plans to get our own place when the lockdown is over.

His ex is saying that when we move in together she will not let him have the kids while I'm there. Says he can only see them if he stays there on a weekend. I've tried to make thing easier by suggesting that me and the ex have a meet just so she can get to know me, know ill be fine with the kids etc.. i have a child of my own. He's said she won't go for it.

The thing with him staying there on a weekend, I'm not happy with the idea and he knows it. I want him to have a relationship with his kids, ive got no intentions of getting in the way. My view is, if he does agree to stay she will never let the kids come to our place, ruining any kind of normal family life for me and OH
And its no secret that she wants him back, using the kids to play with his head is very childish imo

He knows how I feel about it but he's not offered much in the way of sorting something out.

Is this just me or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 16/05/2020 15:20

Until he grows a pair is he really an attractive prospect op?
He needs to get a contact arrangement in place. She has no legal right to this controlling plan of hers.

pinkyredrose · 16/05/2020 15:22

ruining any kind of normal family life for me and OH

Do you have DC too?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2020 15:23

Court is the only way to sort this out.
Unless there is already court ordered access?
You have a DC of your own.
This guy has way too much baggage and no backbone!
I'd tell him to get back in touch when he has sorted all of this out.

GlitchStitch · 16/05/2020 15:28

Maybe she's concerned about her kids. Going from living together with Mum and Dad to immediately visiting Dad at his place with his new girlfriend would be awful and confusing for them. It could also be bullshit and he's doing whatever makes his own life easier. Have you actually spoken to his ex or is all this info via him?

Greenkit · 16/05/2020 15:30

How long have they been split?

How long have you been dating?

Doesn't would like she is over him and is using the kids!

Menora · 16/05/2020 15:31

You can’t have what you want until those 2 sort their crap out

So the thing you need to do is slow down. You obviously cannot move in with him while he still lives with her every weekend it is doomed. He can’t choose between you and his kids so the kindest thing for everyone is to ask him to contact you when things are more settled. It isn’t at all ideal for him to leave her home straight into yours - why doesn’t he have his own place? He should have his own place and his own kids and then you see each other when he is child free.

illclapwheniminpressed · 16/05/2020 15:33

Op you really have no idea how you will be with their dc's because you have one dc yourself. You don't know their parenting style etc, and if you haven't actually spoke to this women how do you know so much about her - what from him?... the victim who has to do all this stuff to please his ex but still lives their even though he's the one with a new relationship?

Are you even sure you to are still together like before because lockdown for 6 weeks? That's a lot of time with an ex and not seeing you.

Menora · 16/05/2020 15:37

OP it is not normal to move straight out of the family home into a new family home at all. It is a terrible idea. He needs to live alone, build a separated parent life by himself, coparenting with his ex, settling the DC and then his spare time can be with you
Not only is it unreasonable to be charging ahead with this - you are also blaming the ex for not loving this mad idea and wanting the best for her kids. You only have his side of the tale here and you need to put yourself in her shoes for a little bit. She’s losing her family to someone else. She’s going to grieve for it and if you both just trample all over her feelings and do what you want anyway without thinking about what is best for the DC then yes - you will end up in a horrible situation where you are banned and everyone hates everyone else. Who gets hurt the most? The kids

Original poster

JH88 · 16/05/2020 15:37

I have a child yes.
I've mentioned to him about legal access if she wont let him have the kids but he says he wants to keep it amicable rather than get the courts involved.

He says he will go to see the kids every night for an hour after work which I am fine with but he's basically said about the weekend stay he will have to do it till she comes round to the idea of him being with me.

Also with us being on lockdown and he's still living there, he won't contact me in front of her. Says anything for a peaceful life. But in the process he's kinda pushing me away. Then all this whats been said about his kids. I'm a bit unsure on what to do.

OP posts:

Sharpandshineyteeth · 16/05/2020 15:40

Why doesn’t he have his own place? He needs to have them on his own for a bit and not jump into a new family set up.

Original poster

JH88 · 16/05/2020 15:43

They split in August last year and we got together in December.

I'm not saying rub her nose in it I know its gonna take some getting used to for all involved im in no rush to meet his his kids, thats on his terms I'm not pushing anything.
And yes, it is him telling me all this. I've never spoke to her

OP posts:

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 16/05/2020 15:43

It's a bad idea for him to move from the former marital home straight into yours. He needs to think in a more child centred way and move out to his own place, have the kids there then move into yours if you're together say 12 months later. She can't object to him having them as his house.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/05/2020 15:45

When did he and his wife allegedly separate? And how long before you were on the scene?

Do you actually know that they've separated - have you met his family and friends, etc?

I've got a horrible feeling you might be being set up here as the OW. He gets to stay at yours all week, telling her he's working away. Then he goes to hers at the weekend "for contact with the kids" as he tells you, whereas she thinks he's just coming home from working away all week.

The fact that he won't speak to you in front of her, or allow you to meet her, is swaying me towards this possibility.

LovingLola · 16/05/2020 15:45

How old are all the children?

Greenkit · 16/05/2020 15:47

So they were split 7 months but he didn't move out, then lick down happened so he hasn't moved out.

And you got together 4months after he "split" with his wife.

Does she even know about you, honestly?

Are they really split?

And it's way too early for meeting the children and playing happy families

pinkyredrose · 16/05/2020 15:47

How do you propose that you and him conduct a 'family life'? Does this involve your kid, his kids, a new baby? Is your kid aware they're going to have a new man living with them, have they even met him? Have you met his kids?

This has got disaster written all over it. Why the hurry to move in, don't you want to date each other and enjoy a relationship,having nights out, getting to know each other?

Maybe he's keen to move to another family set up where his meals will be cooked, his clothes washed and his balls emptied.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/05/2020 15:48

Op everyone needs to get used to the new family arrangements and in particular your boyfriend and his ex have to help their children.put yourself in her shoes. I don't like the idea of threats but I would find it very hard to accept my long term partner moving straight from the family home into another woman's house and expecting the children to go too. Apart from anything else it is disrespectful and not at all what most people would think was good for the children. Let your bf find somewhere to live and have the children for a while and then gradually start mixing your families when you are absolutely sure that your relationship , with its complications, is going to work in the long run. It doesn't sound as if your bf has really extricated himself from his family life as yet and there could be lots of heartbreak in store.

Greenkit · 16/05/2020 15:48

Obviously lock down not lick down

noyoucannotcomein · 16/05/2020 15:48

They split in August last year and we got together in December.

Then I hope your plans for moving in together are a very long way away.

He needs to get his own place before any of that happens.

user1481840227 · 16/05/2020 15:48

How long have you been together?
Are the kids aware that the parents have split up? as in are truly over? I find it hard to believe that they will have come to terms with that yet if they are all still living in the same home.

It doesn't sound fair on the children at all to have their dad move out and in with another women and then all of a sudden that's the only time they see the dad, (when he's with another woman).

He really should live on his own for a while..or if he moves in with you then he should take the kids to stay with his parents or family on the weekends.
They firstly have to get used to their daddy not living at home..only after that would it be ok to spend the time with you at the weekends.

It's honestly just silly to say well if she doesn't let them stay now then she never will. Things change as time moves on. She will get used to him not living there and living apart and will come round...and also your partner will eventually for your sake have to put his foot down if his ex was making it difficult...but a reasonable amount of time has to pass first before you can start making any kind of assumptions there.

You're saying you want to meet the ex so she'll see that you'll be fine with the kids etc, but tbh you're not coming across very well here or like you care about the kids, if you think it's ok for them to go from living with both their parents full time....and then the next weekend daddy has moved out and is living with a new woman. You say you have a child yourself so you should know that you would not like this. No mother would...and then you're pushing for legal access implying that she is unreasonable about it when she or the kids haven't even had a chance for the dad to move out yet!!

LovingLola · 16/05/2020 15:49

And what about your own child?

Original poster

JH88 · 16/05/2020 15:52

They are certainly not together, she knows about me. I've met his family yes and he's met mine. They weren't married. She treat him like crap, thats why he left her.
He didn't get his own place because private renting is expensive to do on your own, ive tried and failed.
We're saving up to do it together.

OP posts:

Methtones · 16/05/2020 15:52

Dont go from him living with her to living with you.

pinkyredrose · 16/05/2020 15:56

You've tried and failed to rent somewhere? Where are you living, do you not have your own place?

Original poster

JH88 · 16/05/2020 15:57

He's met my child, they get on really well.
I'm not saying I want to rush into things concerning his kids it'll take time. The kids are young, both under 4 I doubt they'll understand yet. From a mothers point of view, I can understand why she would say it. But there's being concerned and then there playing games. This is why I suggested a meet with her

OP posts:

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