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Original poster

His ex..

77 replies

JH88 · 16/05/2020 15:17

Basically, hes still living with his ex. We have plans to get our own place when the lockdown is over.

His ex is saying that when we move in together she will not let him have the kids while I'm there. Says he can only see them if he stays there on a weekend. I've tried to make thing easier by suggesting that me and the ex have a meet just so she can get to know me, know ill be fine with the kids etc.. i have a child of my own. He's said she won't go for it.

The thing with him staying there on a weekend, I'm not happy with the idea and he knows it. I want him to have a relationship with his kids, ive got no intentions of getting in the way. My view is, if he does agree to stay she will never let the kids come to our place, ruining any kind of normal family life for me and OH
And its no secret that she wants him back, using the kids to play with his head is very childish imo

He knows how I feel about it but he's not offered much in the way of sorting something out.

Is this just me or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LovingLola · 16/05/2020 16:54

And whatever you do make sure you don’t get pregnant and bring a 4th child into this shitshow

NotStayingIn · 16/05/2020 16:55

How appealing, bagging a bloke who is moving straight from his ex’s house into yours.

He is putting her and her wishes first. That’s fine, but then I would break up. Once he’s sorted his shit out and is living somewhere alone we could talk again.

You’re putting up with this cause you really want him and are scared to assert yourself. But that will backfire sadly when you’re stuck with a loser who will always take the easy way out.

AnotherElle · 16/05/2020 17:04

Where is he sleeping OP? and where would he sleep at the weekends if he stays.

If it was me I wouldn't be hanging around, chances are they are still sleeping together and in lockdown for all this time they have probably sorted their differences out and he hasn't told you to keep you hanging in case, especially as he won't contact you if she's there.

I really think you're wasting your time and to be honest he's clearly comfortable there, I doubt it will ever come to him moving out.

sammylady37 · 16/05/2020 17:11

A saying I read here once is fitting for your situation- nobody falls in love as quickly as a man who needs a place to live.

TorkTorkBam · 16/05/2020 17:13

You are completely unreasonable to be asking him to get a place with you.

Stop.

He can sort out his marriage / divorce / living arrangements himself. Don't put yourself anywhere near any of that. You date that's all. You could talk again about maybe moving in together after he is stable in his own place, his child contact is nicely settled and the children are used to the new arrangements.

Get a flatmate if you want to split living costs with someone.

bunbunbun · 16/05/2020 17:15

So you got together with him in December, lockdown has been on since March and yet you claim he gets on with your child really well and you're planning to live together?

Fuck me, some people really do prioritise being in a relationship over being a responsible parent don't they?

You've known this man since December. Why has he met your kid enough to get on "really well" considering lockdown has been in place since March?

You've known this man since December. Why are you getting into arguments about his childcare arrangements and coparenting plans when you should be focusing on providing a stable and healthy environment for your own child?

Is the bar really this low? Christ.

Graphista · 16/05/2020 17:18

This is insane!

You only really have his word that they're fully split, it's entirely possible he's still sleeping with her.

There's what at least 3 children in this mess that after less than 6 months together (which is NO time at all) you want to throw into a blended family?!

Stop being so selfish.

Frankly it's too early for your child to even know him let alone live with him!

Everything needs to be slowed right down and broken down into sensible steps.

He needs to properly disentangle from his ex before getting fully involved with you. And the children need to be left out of it for MUCH longer.

You barely know him (knowing him as a colleague or whatever doesn't count)

TorkTorkBam · 16/05/2020 17:36

She's known him two years. He spent a couple of months sleeping at his mate's house in August / September then moved back with his partner for coparenting, became official with OP in December. All the children know each other, OP and the man have been saving up to get a place together (she believes).

Clearly she is the OW.

He is getting cold feet at the idea of making her the main chick not the side chick.

AnotherElle · 16/05/2020 17:42

Are you sure he didn't move out for a couple of months and then work things out with her and move back home?
Keeping you dangling either in case it doesn't work or as a bit on the side?

LittleWing80 · 16/05/2020 17:46

I understand the economic strain, it’s not that easy to move out, rent alone then move in together but it is very soon OP. In addition to what other posters have said, if the ex is as controlling as your boyfriend portrays her, that will put a massive strain on a new relationship. If the kids are that small and in your DP’s words, she makes his life so hard that he won’t talk to you in front of her, do you really want that? Either she is not as he says she is (controlling, separated...) and you don’t want a liar or she is as he portrays her and you really want someone who puts your feelings right after his kids’ wellbeing and not after his ex’s feelings..,,,

LizzieLoafer · 16/05/2020 17:52

He didn't get his own place because private renting is expensive to do on your own, ive tried and failed.We're saving up to do it together

Nobody loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/05/2020 17:54

No-one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live. Just saying.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/05/2020 17:55

hahahahah, jinkx LizzieLoafer

Aerial2020 · 16/05/2020 18:15

There's nothing you can do.
You have to step back, this is not your stuff to sort out.
It's such a mess. Don't waste your energy on it, he needs to sort it himself.

LizzieLoafer · 16/05/2020 18:22

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1
Grin

Loveabitofrain · 16/05/2020 18:31

This will never work. I’ve been there!!

He shouldn’t go every night either. He needs to grow a pair and sort out contact arrangements. No need for him to stay there at all.

Also to add you mentioned she treated him like crap. Careful, you only know one side. Again been there.

His kids don’t have to meet you immediately either he can initially take them out due a few hours and build up.

My ex saw his ex far too much because of her controlling behaviour and guilt trips. However he was far from perfect and as a result I ended it.

Bunnymumy · 16/05/2020 18:35

Lol 'treated him like crap' did she?
Next it'll be 'she is controlling/crazy'.

Sorry op but I call bullshit. He would never have moved back in if she treated him badly.

Also, imagine telling someone that about the mother of your children whom,you still live with. What.a.dicked.

He's manipulating you.
Dump and rinse for the hills.
Or in 5 years time, you'll be 'crazy/horrible baby mama number 2'.

WillSomebodyThinkOfTheChildren · 16/05/2020 18:56

No no and more no.

The ex is right. Good on her.

MadeForThis · 16/05/2020 18:56

You've only been in a "relationship" for a few months. Regardless of how long you have known this man. You shouldn't even be considering letting anyone live with your child until you have been together much longer.

And that's without the baggage with his ex.

Highly unlikely that aren't still sleeping together.

Even if they hate each other and are 100% not together, why get mixed up in such a mess?

Focus on you child. They are under 4. They don't need that drama in their life.

You can wait for someone better. Someone who can prioritise you.

carly2803 · 16/05/2020 19:50

this is nuts

his ex is right - those poor kids!

He needs to move out, be alone and see how it goes.

guarantee you then he wont be moving out of his ex'shouse!
he has it easy!

carly2803 · 16/05/2020 19:50

this is nuts

his ex is right - those poor kids!

He needs to move out, be alone and see how it goes.

guarantee you then he wont be moving out of his ex'shouse!
he has it easy!

Techway · 16/05/2020 19:50

"She treated him like crap"

How has he treated her? She has had 2 pregnancies and given birth in just a few years and he has decided to leave her.

Come on, OP, open your eyes..can this man really be a good catch? I think you will find he will treat you really badly in a few years, especially if you were vulnerable such as post baby

Ilovecats14 · 16/05/2020 19:56

He can take her to court he doesn't have to stay there. Why is he still there? Have you not been together long?

Ilovecats14 · 16/05/2020 19:58

Sorry OP just see your update

pinkyredrose · 16/05/2020 19:59

OP what do you think he'd say if you said you wanted to wait a year or so to live together not do it after lockdown?

A really good lesson to learn about someone is finding out how they take being told 'no'.