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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i've been played

122 replies

buckfastattiffanys · 13/05/2020 23:29

Been seeing someone for over a year, he works away so we really only have a week or so every month/6weeks.

He calls, texts, messages daily when he's away and is very attentive and affectionate. When he is home the first day or two is amazing but I appreicate he also has to see his family etc.

So, he came home last weekend. The first I'd seen him since before lockdown. We spend the first 2 days together, like a honeymoon as always, and then he was going to his old flat fixing it up to sell.

He texted me once, the evening after he left for his flat (pics of the flat, no text), and then a brief chat yesterday and nothing today. And this is a pattern.

I give up! Feels like I'm a convenient pass time for him when he's away and when he's home he's busy with his life and I'm discarded. I know he'll try to patch things up before he goes away again, but I need to finish it.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 13/05/2020 23:32

That wouldn't be enough for most people as a long term thing.

Raella50 · 13/05/2020 23:33

Sounds like he’s using you OP, you can do better! Get rid!

SandyY2K · 13/05/2020 23:36

Are you sure he doesn't have a wife/DP elsewhere?

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 13/05/2020 23:40

I think with lockdown I've just felt really conscious of being on my own, having no-one to talk to in real life etc and when he came home it was so nice, but then he just left... knowing I'd been quite lonely with not being at work and isolating.

I can't even describe how shit I felt when he sent those photos.

He definitely doesn't have a wife. But he might be seeing someone else I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 13/05/2020 23:47

But even if he isn't seeing someone else, I had a moment of "fuck this."

I just need to stick to my guns, because I'm stupidly smitten with him.

I think the daily attention (when he is away) and the almost lovebombing when he comes home draws me in.

OP posts:
whatwherewhy · 13/05/2020 23:48

Bless been here and felt used. If all you are after is a quick moment then this is fine but if you want something more then it really can make you feel even more lonely and worthless. Personally I would move on and find someone who wanted the same things in a relationship as me

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 13/05/2020 23:53

Yes. Thats exactly how i felt. And really hurt. He's off for at least 3 weeks now and has thrown himself into this flat. Will likely want to do something at the weekend but despite my feelings I've seen it for what it is. Definitely not matched.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 13/05/2020 23:59

I don’t get it? He spends 2 days of his one week/in one month off with you bu5 then has to get on with doing up his flat and you’re throwing a wobbly? Why don’t you just ring him.

VanGoghsDog · 14/05/2020 00:00

Where does he actually live? You say "comes home" but it doesn't really sound as if your home is his home?

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 00:09

I'm not throwing a wobbly at all.

I'm just feeling lonely and shit from having been in lockdown for weeks. And there's nothing stopping him from making arrangements through the week to spend time together.

OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 14/05/2020 00:12

Why is he staying at yours if hes has a home elsewhere? It's still lockdown you can meet in the park and keep social distance but he shouldn't be staying over.

bluebell34567 · 14/05/2020 00:22

its been a year and he's shown what he is thinking your place is.
actions talk louder than words.
move on.

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 00:26

What @allsortsofawkward ? Kind of missing the point.

I described the pattern earlier of spending the first couple of days together. As we both live alone and he works away, locking down together is no different than if we did in fact live together full time and he came home to me? Also, he has actually had the virus already as was tested during his last job.

@bluebell34567 I just need to not get sucked in by his charm, which I know is coming soon...

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 14/05/2020 00:28

you need to have a honest, serious talk with him, where this is going, how you feel etc.

VanGoghsDog · 14/05/2020 00:32

Well, aside from you both breaking the lockdown rules - he clearly just sees you as a casual shag.

LochJessMonster · 14/05/2020 00:36

I’m with @Sarahlou63

So you want him to spend more time with you or just text you more?

Because he’s obviously busy doing up his flat in the short time he has available.

He spent the first 2 days with you, sent you photos the next day and then you chatted the day after that.

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 00:36

Thanks for that @vangoghsdog

thats how i felt if you look at my thread title, but always nice for someone to rub the salt in.

OP posts:
Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 00:49

hes home for at least 3 weeks this time.

I didn't come on here to be judged, I'm feeling crap about things and I've explained why.

The responses vary from the lovely, misogynistic and quite shaming "you're a casual shag" to "you're [unreasonably] throwing a wobbly" with "that's not a relationship" somewhere in between, which is really what I'm saying and that I need to end it. Just looking for support which I thought I'd find here...

@bluebell34567 I don't even feel like I can bring this up. which is probably a sign.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 14/05/2020 00:51

Sorry, what "support" would you like?

And saying someone is a casual shag is not misogynistic unless you think only men can have casual relationships, which would be something of a misogynistic view.....

nowaitaminute · 14/05/2020 00:57

What do you want from him OP? Men are not mind readers...you need to spell it out for him! If you would like his company then ask him to come to see you again or ask him if he would like help in the flat? 3 weeks isn't really THAT long to be honest (it goes quite fast, my dh is home for 3 weeks at a time so I am well aware!)

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 01:06

maybe mocking is a better word. this isn't AIBU, its relationships. Is that not about support? I'm looking for support in my decision/thought process having never had a relationship like this before and it just doesn't feel right.

You've raised a straw man argument about lockdown: As I've already pointed out he has had the virus and we were locked down together when he returned from his job.
He has then gone to his flat to work in complete isolation. How is that breaking lockdown?

The fact that you are referring to me, a woman, being "clearly a [man's] casual shag" reeks of misogyny.

OP posts:
TomNook · 14/05/2020 01:11

You’re just girlfriend (at best) not a wife. Why don’t you see each other the rest of the time? What does he actually say?
Also lockdown rules are applicable to everyone - even if you think you’ve had it.

He shouldn’t be visiting you.

VanGoghsDog · 14/05/2020 01:17

I didn't you were a casual shag, I said that is how he sees you

You didn't specify what support you wanted. You didn't specify your "thought process" that you wanted verified. You simply told a story of an uninterested sexual partner who shows no signs of being in a committed relationship with you.

Here: "Feels like I'm a convenient pass time for him when he's away and when he's home he's busy with his life and I'm discarded."

If what you want is a committed relationship with him, either tell him that and work it out together, or end the relationship.

The lockdown comment was not a strawman. It wasn't even an argument at all, just a comment. And it was clearly breaking the lockdown rules as he was not leaving his house for work, food, medicine or exercise. Coming to stay with your gf for two nights was not one if the reasonable excuses listed in the legislation, not even similar to any of them.

Magnumrose · 14/05/2020 01:35

I would feel much the same as you OP. Of course people have commitments, but I would feel deflated with the lack of face to face time when he is in town and has the opportunity. Do you feel like he makes you a priority? After a one year relationship, I would be wanting a bit more and I sense that you do as well. Suppose you need to work out with him if you are on the same page regarding the future.

Roserock · 14/05/2020 01:38

Hi buckfast, so sorry to hear this is happening . It’s totally understandable you’re feeling lonely and like a convenience to him. The whole lovebombing thing only adds to the confusion and makes it more difficult .
I think, regardless of what is going on with him or what his reasoning is you are right in feeling this is not good enough for you and that you deserve better
I’m not sure of the right answer but I’m wondering if maybe sending him some type of message About why this is not working for you and then disabling any avenues for him to reply ie lovebomb you might be the best approach to give you the space and air you need to think clearly . At least that way for the next few weeks whilst he is away you can put some distance between you two and he doesn’t have the power to coerce you or confuse you with all his messages
I think I’d try that and see how I felt after a month or so