i've been played

[buckfastattiffanys]

Been seeing someone for over a year, he works away so we really only have a week or so every month/6weeks.

He calls, texts, messages daily when he's away and is very attentive and affectionate. When he is home the first day or two is amazing but I appreicate he also has to see his family etc.

So, he came home last weekend. The first I'd seen him since before lockdown. We spend the first 2 days together, like a honeymoon as always, and then he was going to his old flat fixing it up to sell.

He texted me once, the evening after he left for his flat (pics of the flat, no text), and then a brief chat yesterday and nothing today. And this is a pattern.

I give up! Feels like I'm a convenient pass time for him when he's away and when he's home he's busy with his life and I'm discarded. I know he'll try to patch things up before he goes away again, but I need to finish it.

Have you tried being busy?

So when he says oh I'm coming back on X date you say oh I'm busy on X date and see where he goes with it. Does he say oh how about Y date or does he have a go at you or ignore you or what?

If you are just saying yes to everything he suggests then where's the need for him to try and spend more time with you. Try saying no for a while.

I think the OP is speaking about a longer term trend Dontknow. About the whole relationship, rather than just since lockdown started.

I'm also struggling to see what the issue is with someone who definitively cannot be an infection risk going from seeing one isolated person to being alone in his own flat. I think it's very unfair to let that distract from the OP's real issue.

It sounds to me like while he's offshore, you're a good way to occupy his mind and pass the time, OP. So you get all the messages etc. But as soon as he's back onshore, there are lots of other things to entertain him, so you drop off the list.

That's not great. The fact that you don't even feel you can talk to him about it? Well, that's even worse.

Also if you keep saying yes then he will think you're happy with how things are.

I think i get what you're saying. You've been together this long but he doesnt include you or make you a part of his life.
Before lockdown did he take you out on dates?
Has he made an effort to close the distance gap?
Have you been to the city where he works?
It seems he just comes back and spends 2 days in your bed and then he's off.

I dont think a discussion would make any difference. Time to end it and find someone nearby who is willing to invest in you. 2 days every 6 weeks isnt a relationship.

What Starlight39 said.

Please don't let yourself be used like this. It's just sad, and you can do better. And you will actually feel much better once you ditch him.

OP is being very evasive re his family etc.I’m wondering whether she knows she is the OW but doesn’t want to admit that here for obvious reasons,or suspects that she is but doesn’t want to admit it to herself.

I know I'm not his wife/family... what I meant was him and the others who tested positive were quarantined for 14 days then were able to return to their families, so in terms of risk, him returning to me who's been isolating is quite similar. He is not (as far as I know) in contact with anyone else.

I've met his family and he shares loads of stuff with me about them, he is helpful round the house with me, when we're at his he spoils me and is happy to leave me in the flat if he pops out to get milk or something. When we go for walks (normally) around his part of town he has his arms around me and so on so I don't feel hidden as such when we're together. But I do increasingly feel like its just playing at being in a relationship if that makes sense.
Like there's no depth or substance or something. It's not progressing I think. And yes, @Starlight39 and @FlowerArranger I feel used when I'm then out of sight and out of mind.

I'm definitely not the other woman.

Maybe he just wants to do other things as well when he's home? And have a bit of alone time. I hate my own company, but some people really enjoy it. Especially if he's surrounded by others at work. I would talk to him @buckfastattiffanys but be mindful of the stress of your being on your own at this weird time too.

@AlternativePerspective I don't want to reveal too many outing facts but I know he is where he says he is when he's working away. I am definitely not the OW though, but I am wondering if I am perhaps not the only woman.

On a rig I presume

You aren't being unreasonable or throwing a wobbly.

Perhaps in the earlier days of your relationship this was acceptable to you, however as on ongoing arrangement it doesn't sound good enough at all.

No matter how smitten you are with him you deserve better than this. My advice would be to calmly and clearly explain to him how you feel, on top of it being a long distance type relationship anyway, this just doesn't sound like a fulfilling situation.

He will either:

A) take on board what you've said, and begin trying to make an effort so he doesn't lose you.

B) make out that you're being unreasonable and clingy 'can't you understand I needed to work on my property etc. I can't drop everything for you constantly'

Sadly I predict it will be B because he sounds like someone not ready for commitment, enjoys the benefits of brief encounters but really, would rather be on his own & not have the hassle of putting up with someone else permanently.

I agree he might also have a casual set-up or fwb where he works, it's quite plausible as he doesn't sound very emotionally connected and seems quite selfish so he's just the type to justify his actions as acceptable.

Just remind yourself that you deserve better, if you end things it will hurt, but you will be free to find the right person for you, at the moment you're off the market and I think you're wasting your time on this one.

And yes...you're right this isn't AIBU! FFS ignore the nastiness it's on every bloody thread these days!

You need to picture where you want to be in 3-5 years. What kind of life? What kind of partner? How close of a relationship?

Then end it with him because he is holding you back from your desired future and go out and find it!

which was meant to be hurtful rather than helpful.

No it wasn't. You can't decide what someone else meant.

Other people have said similar things with different words, I'm not to know you would be upset by that phrase, it's a common enough expression.

I think the arrangement suits him just fine, whilst working he can't spend time doing other interests but plenty of time to be in touch with you/friends/family. When he is back he just totally suits himself and is too busy doing what he wants to make the time to be in touch with you.

You deserve far better!

OP,

A year and you are definitely not a priority.
Of course when he's away he's got time toove bomb you but you are a bit of a convenience when he returns for a few days.

Screw that.

You have put up with a couple of days here and there for a year.

Do not waste any more of your time hanging around for someone like this.

You are wasting your time.

Move on.

You deserve better.

Thanks all for your comments and advice. I think the resounding feeling is that this is all very one sided, which It probabaly is.

On reflecting, Im not going to bring it up, or ask to talk because what am I asking for? More of the same? To change him? As pp have said, I can't imagine that conversation going well and I'm not feeling strong enough to have it right now.

The end is definitly nigh. A few nights here and there is not enough. I feel really stupid being sucked into the cycle over and over and not calling him out but it ends now. The next time, my answer will be no.

I've read your thread, buckfast, I think you know that it's over really and you just wanted to be able to talk about it here, have your feelings validated - and any hopes that you have for this relationship, either agreed with or hashed out.

I think the fact that you posted this thread means that things aren't well. The fact that you can't talk to him about anything meaningful and that he hasn't said he loves you, all speak to his lack of anything really, where your relationship goes. You're the one doing all the thinking and all the dragging along of the relationship. I'm not surprised you feel sad about it, I would too.

Why are you so sorry and reluctant to stand up for yourself? As PP so rightly said, 'you get a say in this too'. He is not the boss of this relationship and you are not the PA of it, you're supposed to be equally engaged. He isn't, and you're picking up the slack.

I promise you, this is going to hurt a bit, if you dump him you'll be thinking "What have I done? It's not that bad", because you'll be in shock but it's far better for your esteem to rip that plaster off and give him no further opportunity to puppeteer you. You deserve so much better but you'll never get it whilst you give off the vibes for losers like this to cling on and play "push me, pull you", wasting your precious time and heart.

Don't give this to him anymore, it's over. Make it official and your self-esteem will be given a healthy dose of whatever it is that it needs, to restore your boundaries so that you don't keep going for men like this and putting up with their desired modes and frequencies of communication.

No more. End it and set yourself free, buckfast.

Good for you OP.

Of course it will be painful.

But you will look back on this time and be glad.

You are on a hiding to nothing being made to feel needy, lonely, and desperate for some time with a guy you have been seeing for a year.

He should be weak for you, and desperate to spend as much time as he can with you.

Anything else after a year is bullshit.

Hi op,

I think some of these comments are unnecessarily harsh.

His behaviour suggests this is a casual relationship and your gut instinct is leading you to suspect the same. If you want clarity and you feel brave enough to ask him directly, then I would instigate the ‘where is this going/what are we’ conversation with him. His response- or lack of one- will give you the clarity you need. Just be clear on what you do want/what you are willing to accept and don’t be afraid to articulate it.

Unless you think his behaviour is doing all the talking you need and that actions speak louder than words. Just be prepared to not hear what you would like.

Sending positive vibes x

This will probably never turn into a relationship you want. Don’t be sucked in.

End it and then block so he can’t contact you.

Good luck

he is love bombing you while away to prepare you for the 2 days you will be together, so you wouldnt be able to say no.
i am not sure atp a talk will help. either he will love bomb you again and after a while he will act the same. or he wont give the response you expect which will hurt you.
moving on is the best way, dont waste anymore time on him.
you can say this pattern of relationship is not working for you and end it.
it will be hard at first but if you keep busy you can manage.

Well done op. You are being held back while he lives his life the way he wants. I would just talk to him about it though. Who know? Maybe he just doesn't realise you want more. If you're not going to accept anything else then there's nothing to lose. You are at risk of CV though as he will be mingling with colleagues who have mingled with who knows whilst at home.

I don’t think I can handle a discussion with him right now. I know when he feels criticised he can be quite cutting and defensive.
If I ask where things are going I’ll feel like I’m putting all the power into his hands.

I think probably the best thing is for me to end it as I’ve realised a few things about myself in this discussion.
I got a photos memory flash up from May 2018, a silly quote along the lines of “if it’s not mad, crazy love it’s not worth your time.” Which had resonated with me because my partner at the time was a bit lukewarm. But it took me until the following February to finish it.
So, I know that I hold myself back from walking away. I think since my divorce I have a bit of a fear of failing or rejection or something.
Small steps, but I will be stronger about this one.

OP definitely best not to get into a discussion. Even a text saying that this isn't working for me, but wish you the best.

Someone who is cutting and defensive at perceived criticism isnt any prize anyway.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a big discuss, just cut him loose and move away, dignity intact.