i've been played

[buckfastattiffanys]

Been seeing someone for over a year, he works away so we really only have a week or so every month/6weeks.

He calls, texts, messages daily when he's away and is very attentive and affectionate. When he is home the first day or two is amazing but I appreicate he also has to see his family etc.

So, he came home last weekend. The first I'd seen him since before lockdown. We spend the first 2 days together, like a honeymoon as always, and then he was going to his old flat fixing it up to sell.

He texted me once, the evening after he left for his flat (pics of the flat, no text), and then a brief chat yesterday and nothing today. And this is a pattern.

I give up! Feels like I'm a convenient pass time for him when he's away and when he's home he's busy with his life and I'm discarded. I know he'll try to patch things up before he goes away again, but I need to finish it.

Op I really really sympathise. This brings to mind an ex of mine but my situation was a lot sillier.

We were together for a while and he disappeared. I was gutted and very confused. I got a great job offer of a contract abroad, decided to move on and accepted it. A week before I left he reappeared, begged and begged for another chance. Would i consider just getting to know each properly via email while I was away? That way we could take it really slowly, it was too intense before. After a couple of days i agreed. Even in the days that followed I felt like his attention was waning and I wondered was I going crazy. I went away for a few months. He met me at the airport when I returned, work was paying for my hotel room. On the way there he mused he was surprised we had lasted as normally he would just lose interest. What a bizarre remark I thought, as it was his idea. And as it was an unusual (I thought) arrangement how would he know how he normally reacted.

We broke up that night. Yes you read that right. That same night. Then he turned up at my house a few weeks later begging yes begging. I said no. He wasn't going to give up. He returned with cake... The games continued. I moved cities. He tracked me down. He was thinking of moving to this city. Could we meet up while he's visiting to try to get work? And so on.

Anyway I know your fella isn't playing these headwrecking games with you. But something about it felt familiar. The honeymoon highs, the loneliness, the excitement when he's there, the lack of concrete plans or having a real relationship. I liked all the fun we had together but I craved the day-to-day stuff.

Another thing - what I realised with my guy was he had had long term relationships but they always lived in another part of the country or world. I cut all contact when I realised that. He just did not want to share his life with someone, he wanted to visit now and again. This was never going to change and it wasn't about me, it was about him. Could this be the case with your guy?

My ex (stupid even calling him that we were never together properly although he refers to me as his ex girlfriend and claims we were together for two years when really it was weeks spread out) married his next girlfriend and guess what; she lives in another country with their baby while they figure it out. I do not envy her.

Oh god, that does sound like a real nightmare.
The cat and mouse thing totally resonates with me. I feel like my guy wants me just in reach but not quite in the circle. He’s 100% in the zone when we’re together, and in the lead up but after that it’s back to business .
He’s actually been in touch yesterday but didn’t suggest doing anything, so that says it all really. Even though he’s got 3 weeks rather than one he’s still not grabbing me with both hands.
I’m pretty gutted as I do really like him and we have great chemistry but he’s obviously not in it for the long haul.
He’s mentioned exes but he’s never been married although he lived with a couple of gfs. We’re both mid 40s and I don’t think he’s willing to give up the bachelor life just yet.

Someone up thread said where do I want to be in 3 years... I don’t want to have wasted any more time on a half-life (if that) with this guy like I did before. That was a timely photo memory I got yesterday which made me realise I’d been unhappy with my previous bf but went with it for months and months before ending it. Not good stats.
So much good advice from posters on here, some have made me cry with relief at just feeling “heard” and understood. xx

And yes to craving the day to day stuff. Dating should only last so long x

I don't understand. Why are you and this man breaking the lockdown rules?

🙄

Oh you're in the same age bracket as me OP, I assumed you were younger (no reason except I related to an experience I had when I was younger).

I dunno, it needs to suit you. If you were saying you really valued your independence and you liked having him there in the background then that would be perfect.

I know it's hard to leave when it's not awful, just not great. But it seems like you are spending a large proportion of your time missing him and feeling lonely.

I'm conscious of not projecting my own experience (because he really was a Grade A tosser!) but I do know once I cut him out I never looked back. And it really made me revaluate my own self worth and who I was willing to give my time to.

Update...
so we had had the odd chat etc but never really addressed the elephant in the room.
The he texted to address what happened. He felt he’d been doing all the work and all the effort and that after our weekend he had pulled back, I suppose to see if I was as interested and he was confused that I didn’t contact him.
But I had other thoughts in my head, hence me not initiating contact. I told him this but then he said he wasn’t sure anymore and probably best to end things.
So the moral of that story is, (as pp have said) don’t be passive, take charge and TALK.
😭

Crikey, from what you said he certainly wasn’t the one making all the effort, far from it! I know you might feel a bit sad now, but you’ve not lost much really.

I agree with Honeyroar. Don't see how he could claim to have been making more effort than you at all.

Sounds like your not really happy with the time and attention he is able to give to you and I wouldn't like it either doesn't sound very fulfilling.
I think sometimes when you bond with someone you get used to the situation and stick with even through your not happy.
Have you made any future plans like living together one day? I would ask him what direction he see's the relationship going in and see if it's a relationship worth sticking around for.

@buckfastattiffanys That doesn't ring true to me. You say there is this pattern of lots of reciprocal communication while he is away, then he comes back but doesn't spend his time with you.

At the point you get unhappy with this all of a sudden he was wondering how interested you were and this time had decided to hold back....except that he always holds back - or have I got it wrong? Just feels as though he was trying to push some guilt onto you there.

Whatever his story it sounds like he was not up for a proper relationship. Sorry it hasn't worked out for you.

Oh... Yes. You’re right. This is always the pattern.
But this time I didn’t really engage with the lukewarm, generic texts.
I think he was trying to justify this behaviour. After all, why pick the day after we’d spent the weekend together to go quiet?
I was a bit confused that when he’d said his piece and I’d said mine, about both going quiet, I was relieved but he was unsure and wanted to end it. Conveniently.
Thankfully when he did end it I just said ok even though I was dying inside.
However I’ve totally learned a lesson and will not be passive in a relationship again.

Bless you OP I was in a relationship with a man who became gradually more and more distant and it's fucking shit. You'll feel sad now but in other ways, it will be a weight off I imagine.

So the moral of that story is, (as pp have said) don’t be passive, take charge and TALK.

Goodness no, that is not the moral of the story.

The moral of the story is that he wanted to break up, but now he can make it your fault.

Oh lordy....did he make the effort though??
I think you haven't behaved how you normally would, chasing him and making all the effort, and he's annoyed so has reacted like that.

Do you really want to be with someone who plays silly games like that? x

*Goodness no, that is not the moral of the story.

The moral of the story is that he wanted to break up, but now he can make it your fault.*

100% this.

If you are not happy with your relationships then you need to get it clear in your mind exactly what you do want and or expect and speak to him about it. If that doesn’t work then end the relationship and move on with your life. That or just continue as you.

Continue as you are

I'm guessing, in HIS reality, he was making the effort - he messaged you when he was away (which he probably saw as quite an effort, putting in time whilst he was working) and then came to see you when he was back. That's just HIS reality though. In your reality, he was away so much, when he was back he saw you a couple of times and then went off to do other stuff (what else could you have done about it?)

It's more a mismatch of expectation and understanding I think. He's wrong, but if his perception is such that him being away and texting is 'doing all the work', then he's going to find pretty much every relationship is the same, unless someone follows him around when he's back home (which isn't possible if you have your own job and life).

The moral of the story is that he wanted to break up, but now he can make it your fault.

This is how it sounds to me too. Or he realised that you were getting fed up with the crumbs he was giving you and were close to ending things (and he knew he wasn't willing to step up) so managed to spin things to be your fault.

I think he did realise I’d had enough. I hadn’t replied to his texts for almost a week, because they were lukewarm chit chat and I really needed warmth and affection.
His text to me assumed I had ended it/lost interest but then said he’d left things for a few days (after our last meeting) and cited my lack of response as reason for him to further withdraw so he made it sound mutual.
But, yes, when I said I didn’t want it to end, but didn’t want crumbs he said he wasn’t sure.

I think it was crap to test me like that, if it even was a test. But whatever it was it was an admission than he’d withdrawn from me after meeting up. So he knew what he was doing.