Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i've been played

122 replies

buckfastattiffanys · 13/05/2020 23:29

Been seeing someone for over a year, he works away so we really only have a week or so every month/6weeks.

He calls, texts, messages daily when he's away and is very attentive and affectionate. When he is home the first day or two is amazing but I appreicate he also has to see his family etc.

So, he came home last weekend. The first I'd seen him since before lockdown. We spend the first 2 days together, like a honeymoon as always, and then he was going to his old flat fixing it up to sell.

He texted me once, the evening after he left for his flat (pics of the flat, no text), and then a brief chat yesterday and nothing today. And this is a pattern.

I give up! Feels like I'm a convenient pass time for him when he's away and when he's home he's busy with his life and I'm discarded. I know he'll try to patch things up before he goes away again, but I need to finish it.

OP posts:
Lifeisconfusing · 14/05/2020 01:43

Don’t rise to all the nastiness op.
I would have a good talk with him about how you feel and how he has made you feel. If he genuinely likes you and sees a future,he will make an effort from then on.

If he doesn’t make an effort when he’s home next I’d say walk away. I know your smitten but you deserve someone to be smitten with you too. don’t settle for a man who doesn’t feel the same.

I know it’s hard to walk away but it’s best to do it now before her breaks your heart. Good luck FlowersFlowers

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 02:00

I think with multiple texts, FaceTiming and calls on a daily basis I fell really loved when we're distant. The fact that when he left my house (he came directly to me from offshore) a couple of days later and I heard nothing the rest of that evening and then only some photos the next evening, no morning texts or even any actual words with the photos, just shocked me a bit.
And there's not been much since then, so i was a bit down about that.

I think if he's not that bothered when I'm actually just down the road, but almost bombarding me when we're distant then that's a bit weird.

I think I'll use this time to think about things, but in an ideal world I'd want him to be coming home and make the most of our potential time together (while also having his other things going on with his flat etc.).

I think I know the answer. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 02:02

Grin so much thinking in that post!

OP posts:
browpb · 14/05/2020 02:41

I'm in exactly the same situation as you! Been seeing this guy for over a year. He works away. Comes home and sees me for the first day or two, and then nothing... only difference between us is that my guy doesn't even contact me while he's away. God this sounds awful! Because it is awful!

For me, it's not like it's always been this way. It's gotten more and more distant over time. So I've finallyyyy decided to end it. Should have done it months ago, but it took one last time of feeling like utter shit because of him to finally do it. Saw him last a few weeks ago now. And my experience from that time was the final straw. I will not be seeing him again.

I cried myself to sleep every night for about a week, but since then I've been feeling a lot better. I'm dreading when he gets back here again, he's going to message me. But I'm determined to stick to my guns this time. He crossed a line last time with the way he treated me. Prick.

I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

DianaT1969 · 14/05/2020 02:42

Did you feel part of his life until now? Go on dates, holidays together, met his family and friends? If not, perhaps it was long-term casual for him, but you have nothing to lose now by discussing it.

Dontletitbeyou · 14/05/2020 02:48

Been seeing someone for over a year, he works away so we really only have a week or so every month/6weeks.
Basically he is not home very much , so has to divide his time up between you and his family and getting on with doing his flat up .
Honestly I don’t get that he’s doing anything wrong at all . He has to fit everything in and only has a week to do it .
I don’t think op is in the wrong either , you want to spend more time with him , and to feel like you are a higher priority . Totally understandable, but when your DP is home such a short amount of time it’s unlikely these issues can be resolved . It’s time to call it a day I reckon
I have several FIFO friends ( who spend similar amounts of time away from home ) many are divorced , mainly due to the stress of being away from home so much . It’s not for everyone

Tartyflette · 14/05/2020 02:55

It sounds as though the two of you you do not see your relationship in the same way.
He's happy with it, you're not. Time to move on?

Aridane · 14/05/2020 03:30

I can’t get beyond the casualt disregard of lockdown and for that reason would ditch him

Aridane · 14/05/2020 03:31

But am very sorry this isn’t working for you

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 14/05/2020 03:55

Hi OP,

I would suggest having a chat with him about how you are feeling. It could be that he is a self sufficient kind of guy and working in the job he does he is used to living a bit selfishly/singularly.
The fact he is in constant contact with you when he is away I would say is a good sign, he is capable of being loving and caring. I think talking to him might make him realise you need more and can't go on like this.
I hope he will see that he needs to change and will make positive steps straight away as he won't want to lose you.
I wish you luck OP.

Mascotte · 14/05/2020 04:04

@buckfastattiffanys it sounds very hard for you. These are strange times and my advice is to give this some thought but not to make big decisions during a time like this. You might feel differently when you're back to work and being busier. Everything is heightened just now. If you feel the same you can end it then.

londonscalling · 14/05/2020 04:10

Have you ever been to his flat? Are you sure he lives there alone? If he only lives nearby, I'm surprised he doesn't work on his flat during the day and then come to see you more often in the evening or stay over more (pre-lockdown). Could he have another girlfriend?

Coyoacan · 14/05/2020 04:12

I'm so sorry, OP. I think you are right. Whatever his reasons, his actions do not match his words, and words are cheap.

I'm a bit surprised at the attitude of people going on about lockdown rules. Maybe because I live in a country where non-essential industries and shops have been closed while the rest of us have been given recommendations, not rules. If this man knows he's had covid, he is not a source of infection.

Summerof699 · 14/05/2020 04:31

Hi OP

I agree with you, I would be fed up too. It is easy and suits him to love bomb you whilst hes away, it guarantees you will see him when he returns. Sounds like this set up is exactly what he wants, but not what you want. I'm sure he knows you want more, but I dont think he does.

I've been in similar situations where the man lovebombs as an ego boost and the guarantee sex/fun/girlfriend, I think if he had any intention of being more serious he would have shown you. Eg he would be calling/messaging to meet regularly this week/next week.

RandomSelection · 14/05/2020 04:46

Could you not offer to go and help him do up his flat? See what he says? He might be glad of the help but not want to ask you. Although I'm sure there was another thread on here some time ago about a woman who's boyfriend was doing up his house and she had never been and when she dropped by to surprise him, it turned out it wasn't just his house...

Good luck deciding what to do, it's not an easy choice.

koffeetoast · 14/05/2020 05:30

Hi OP. Had a similar situation last year, its crap and it's not a proper relationship. I would end it now.

FirstTimer861 · 14/05/2020 05:37

I couldn't have a relationship like this.
You say you are just seeing each other, are you exclusive with each other? I mean after a year you'd like to think so. But have you actually had that chat. Have you met his friends? Family etc? All things that would normally happen definitely within a year of a relationship.

I agree with pp on the asking him if he needs help. And also agree that you need to have that conversation.
He could be thinking things are great! And that you understand, when in actual fact you are unhappy.

But even if you did have a conversation, seems unlikely things will change given he works away so much. Or is this something that could change in the future?

Good luck with your decision. But emotionally I struggle seeing my boyfriend fortnightly (because of distance) no way I could go 4-6 weeks. That would send me mental.

Nicolastuffedone · 14/05/2020 07:45

All this texting, FaceTiming could be him buttering you up for the couple of days he’s planning to spend with you before he goes off to do his own thing. Doesn’t sound that interested in you to me.....I’d finish it

AllsortsofAwkward · 14/05/2020 08:44

buckfastattiffanys well it kinda is hes mixing households for a start, hes been away with work going to yours then his and who knows elsewhere this was the whole point in lockdown and maintaining seperate households. People have gone without seeing grandkids parents etc.

DisorganisedPurpose · 14/05/2020 08:54

It seems silly to just end it without talking to him first since it seems to have such good moments. Tell him how you feel and ask him how he sees the relationship long term. Also won't you be even lonelier if you end it? Difficult to find someone new until things open up again.

YouJustDoYou · 14/05/2020 08:57

Yeah, my grandad did similar to my nan for years. Turns out he had another girlfriend he was actually living with, and a whole other life. Fucking arsehole.

Greenkit · 14/05/2020 09:04

Why can't you stay with him, and give him a hand "doing up his flat"?

Even if you can't really do that, you will see how things lie by his reaction.

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 09:17

I've been to his flat lots of times, have a toothbrush etc there and Im certain he lives there alone. Of course that doesn't mean that other women don't visit him there.

Having slept on it and read these comments, plus a few other things that popped into my head, I'm just not happy feeling the way I do.

I think the pp who said he's used to his selfish singular life (and meant as an observation, not a criticism), is right. So when he's home he just gets on with things and I think I'm just someone there for him rather than someone special or he'd make more of an effort.

@browpb I know exactly the feeling you mean. When I woke up on Monday morning and didn't see any text, I knew he was back to doing his own thing. And I didn't hear from him the whole day. I know lockdown and not working plays a part but it was like a physical pain and I cried too.

@DisorganisedPurpose I don't think I could feel more alone than I do right now, knowing he's getting on with things while I'm missing him. Is it the breadcrumb effect? The good moments are really lovely but the absence is awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 09:28

@Summerof699 yes... that all rings true.

OP posts:
0DETTE · 14/05/2020 09:39

Can live just check I understand ?

He works away, roughly 6 weeks on and 3 weeks off.

During his 3 weeks off he comes to visit you for 2 days, then spends the rest of the time seeing his family and renovating his own flat.

So you only see him for 2 days every 6 weeks. And you only hear from him by phone / text when he’s working, not when he’s at his own flat.

Is that right ?

Because that pattern would make most people think that he has a wife / girl friend at home that he’s living with.

Swipe left for the next trending thread