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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i've been played

122 replies

buckfastattiffanys · 13/05/2020 23:29

Been seeing someone for over a year, he works away so we really only have a week or so every month/6weeks.

He calls, texts, messages daily when he's away and is very attentive and affectionate. When he is home the first day or two is amazing but I appreicate he also has to see his family etc.

So, he came home last weekend. The first I'd seen him since before lockdown. We spend the first 2 days together, like a honeymoon as always, and then he was going to his old flat fixing it up to sell.

He texted me once, the evening after he left for his flat (pics of the flat, no text), and then a brief chat yesterday and nothing today. And this is a pattern.

I give up! Feels like I'm a convenient pass time for him when he's away and when he's home he's busy with his life and I'm discarded. I know he'll try to patch things up before he goes away again, but I need to finish it.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 14/05/2020 09:41

Don't you text him? Does he ignore them? Or just he doesn't text and you don't either?

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 09:50

Its the pattern of texting/calling, really regular every day, so when he's home and goes a whole day without texting, no I don't text him.

We've just spend two days together after 6 weeks apart, been intimate etc and I would expect a text from him the next day, but the tone just seems to change. More breezy than loving.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 14/05/2020 09:50

I never quite get these threads. Op you are a part of your relationship dynamic too. You get a say, which begs the question, why aren’t you saying?

I don’t think he’s using you. I just don’t think he realises you have an expectation that his full on contact style, continues when he’s home.

CassidyStone · 14/05/2020 09:51

Sounds like he has another family and you are just a pleasant and occasional interlude.

And you are both breaching lockdown regulations. Why doesn't it apply to you?

bluebell34567 · 14/05/2020 10:07

do you know where he lives?

Honeyroar · 14/05/2020 10:23

You are very quick to tell people off on here (most of whom are quite right in what they’re saying), but you’re putting up with someone who doesn’t think of you as anything but a very casual girlfriend/sexual partner. I wonder why? He’s away working with a bunch of people then coming straight back to your house where you’ve been doing lockdown property- you must be mad, he’s got no real thought for you at all, just himself and what he wants to do that day. Enough, surely?

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 10:37

I'm not telling anyone off. One person was pretty harshly referring to me as just a shag, which was meant to be hurtful rather than helpful.

I think its clear I am much more invested than him and its probably not going anywhere.

Yes, I've been doing lockdown properly. He knows that. He had mild symptoms and was tested positive last month whie away and was quarantined for 14 days. Coming home to me was not different to any man coming home to his family after quarantine, as long as we continued to isolate together. That didn't end up happening.

When you say "I wonder why?" do you mean why do I put up with the situation? Or why does he treat me like that?

That's why I'm on here. Because it hurts and feel crap and I need to finish it. I feel like everything is great and we are in constanct contact and we see each other as soon as hes home, but then after that I don't know where I stand with him.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 14/05/2020 10:46

I have done this myself loads.
I will arrange a holiday with a friend or visit family and in the run up we are all texting and excited and then have all this time together and then when it's over the contact lulls for a bit on both sides. And that's with say parents with love on both sides. We all go back to own routine and get on with stuff.

Honeyroar · 14/05/2020 10:47

I wonder why you’re putting up with him treating you badly when you’re evidently quick to stand up for yourself normally..

And him coming to you after leaving work isn’t the same as anyone else going home to his family because you aren’t his family, you don’t live together and he doesn’t stay with you, he goes off to his real home afterwards.

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 10:55

I wonder why you’re putting up with him treating you badly when you’re evidently quick to stand up for yourself normally.

SO do I. I just keep going back for more. Enough is enough, the cycle of feeling loved then rejected is killing me.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 14/05/2020 10:57

If he's working then he's likely got loads of company around during that time. He's not really 'feeling' lockdown like you are. He's not lonely. He's not on his own. When he comes back it's life as usual for him, he sees you then he gets on with whatever needs doing - visiting friends/family, doing DIY etc. He doesn't get that you've been on your own without company and lonely.

I'm a bit guilty of this myself, I'm in a full on working environment, so I am seeing people and my workmates every working day. So when my friends ring up and complain about how lonely it all is, I can't really sympathise because it's not my experience.

Maybe you should tell him you're lonely and would like to see more of him while he's home? It may just not have crossed his mind that your lockdown is not the same as his lockdown...

Musti · 14/05/2020 10:59

I don't really understand the pattern. When he comes home from working away he only spends the first 2 days out of 3 weeks with you, or all the weekends?

If he's doing up his flat and needs to catch up with family and other people but is spending weekends with you then that sounds fine to me. But I'm a busy mum so would only have time to see someone during the weekends when I don't have my kids and work.

Either way, talk to him. You've been seeing each other for a year so be open about what you want.

AlternativePerspective · 14/05/2020 11:09

I would put money on him having a wife or at the very least a partner and a family and that you’re an OW.

His texting and calling every day means nothing. Plenty of men manage to do it while still playing happy families at home with the wife.

And if you only see him for two days out of every six weeks then it’s very clear that you’re just a casual thing to him and that he’s not serious about you. Even if he had to do up his flat and see his family while he’s “home”, why couldn’t he then come back to you every evening?

Have you met his family? Friends is one thing, plenty of men have OW who their friends know about and collude in the betrayal. But it’s much less common for family to do so.

Buggedandconfused · 14/05/2020 11:09

My ex was like this, we had a long distance relationship and saw each other every 2 weeks for 2 days. In between texts and calls were great, love bombing/full on as you describe with talk/promises of marriage/moving in together. After 2.5 years I realised that he was hugely selfish and had no interest in a partnership or if he did it would be when it benefited him the most. If I ever brought it up he would love bomb me again but go back to how it was soon after. Full of excuses all the time but never any progress. For this and other reasons I ended it. I didn’t want to waste more years being convenient to him, I felt ‘rinsed’ and although he said he loved me, I never felt that I properly was. I think he had no real intention of ever moving in with me unless it suited him financially and he was happy in the meantime having great sex, food & holidays but playing me in the meantime. Very sad but not a partnership.

AlternativePerspective · 14/05/2020 11:11

Also,it’s possible that he has a flat here where he tells his wife he is staying during the time he’s “working away.”

Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 11:12

Most times hes only home for a week and we see each other early on in that week then that's pretty much it.

I feel nervious about bringing it up, I don't think he reacts well to being put on the spot. Maybe if I ask him, he'll confirm my fears that this is just casual and that's what I don't want to hear.

I've never had this kind of relationship before. I did say something a while back about where things were going and he said he thought things were going well but it was a bit vague.

OP posts:
Original poster
buckfastattiffanys · 14/05/2020 11:15

He hasn't told me he loves me. Just realsied that.
What does rinsed mean?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 14/05/2020 11:16

So are you on his social media? Have you met his family?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/05/2020 11:22

To put it bluntly your somewhere for his dick to go, I could sugar coat it but what would that achieve? You don’t have to like the fact your a shag to him but that’s what you are.

It won’t change, you can either be ok with that or end things and find someone that actually wants you- that choice is yours

Starlight39 · 14/05/2020 11:22

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish, OP Flowers. It's really shit that he knows you're feeling lonely and has gone to his flat. It wouldn't be enough (by a long shot!) for me either.

The trouble with discussing it with him / asking him what he wants / asking him to change is that it gives him the nudge to do a bit of love bombing/explaining and then that drags it out for another few weeks till you realise his actual behaviour hasn't changed and have to go through the thought process of ending it all over again. Basically if he wanted to spend the next 3 weeks with you (and work on his flat) then he could and he has chosen not to. Actions speak louder than words.

It does sound suspicious to me as it does to others. Are you sure he's at his flat? Is there any digging you can do? How many times have you been to his flat?

OldEvilOwl · 14/05/2020 11:27

Tell him how you feel! Why are you waiting for him to text you? Just text him first. He probably has no idea you feel this way, and that your happy the way things are

ConnieDoodle · 14/05/2020 11:29

I don't think he reacts well to being put on the spot.

This alone is a red flag.

Also the relationship isnt working for you. End it and block as you know he has a habit of love bombing.

Usually when you See him for the two days out of six weeks, do you date? Go out have fun?

Doidontimmm · 14/05/2020 11:33

Sounds really dodgy to me. Have you met his friends & family. I’ve been in a long distance romance and it was nothing like that, he wanted to spend every spare minute with me. Why did you not go to his flat with him. I think he is leading a double life Im sorry.

Dontknowhowtohelp1 · 14/05/2020 11:37

When he comes back it's life as usual for him, he sees you then he gets on with whatever needs doing - visiting friends/family,

This thread is like an alternative reality - why would he be seeing friends and family? The only way he is sticking to lockdown is if OP is the only person he sees aside from seeing no one else at all ever (out of work) and OP the same...

Dontknowhowtohelp1 · 14/05/2020 11:43

But if these were normal times OP, I would say definitely talk to him and say what you want and need and strengthen yourself for a possible separation if you find you need more constancy and love in your life. You will only be able to find that if you either change things with your current partner, or leave him to make way for someone who will treasure you.