Bit of a rant as to why abusive men get to see their children?

[Fightingback16]

I’m just needing to have a rant. I’ve spoken to a few people lately about my abusive husband and him having contact with dd. I even to an extent had the same conversation yesterday with my lawyer who I know only speaks from experience not her opinion.

Why do fathers have a right to see their children when they have abused there children’s mother. The emotional attachment they need with mummy is invaluable. If they can do it all in front of their children and not just when they aren’t around then how will they be good fathers. As people have told me, yes I did chose to have a child with him (chose is not really the right word, more like tricked/forced)

I’m a bit different because my husband has put my daughters life in danger so he isn’t allowed contact until it goes through the court.

But are there mums out there who have to hand over their children to their dads each week? Do they end up changing and being ok fathers?

[Fightingback16]

I’m not sure abusive people can reform. They don’t know what to reform I don’t think. They are wired in a different way. My husband due to whatever factors believes what he believes. He could say sorry I’ve changed etc but it would be a lie.

[Fightingback16]

It is my job as her parent to protect her from harm. I have no choice other then to stand up in court and try. It is his job to turn up and deny me and my evidence. I will drag it out as long as I possibly can to keep her away from him. I probably sound horrible but I can’t look at dd and remember all that’s happened and simply hand her over. It almost was over my dead body once, now he has lost the sad little lamb of a wife he once had.

[Vretz]

The courts have the problem that too many women make false accusations to deny contact to perfectly safe fathers. How would you prevent a father accusing the mother of abuse? You create a 'tit-for-tat' situation by denying the father contact.

I put the scenario, a dad shouts loudly at his son for having to clean up his room and bins all of his stuff having asked for the 6816th time to tidy it. Is he human or is he abusive?

What if it turns out he had depression and they don't know that the son is sitting in his room on his Xbox with cold dinner on the table, and dad just lost his job but hasn't told mum.

Context of the situation is hard to evidence in a court room, hence why they give the benefit of the doubt. It would be in mums interest to miss a few details no?

[Vretz]

Sorry just to add, definitely not aimed at you OP. Completely get why you are doing what you are doing, just answering your question

[illclapwheniminpressed]

The law isn't in favour of men, or women or Children, it's in favour of money.
What cost less and that is following the same old basic plan for all and it's dangerous.

Dad pay for contact centre, move to supported contact, them on his own.
If that doesn't work go back to court at a cost and nothing changes.

[Fightingback16]

Shouting at your child to put their things away is normal. Shouting at your wife whilst holding child and telling them if you don’t shut your fucking mouth I’ll kill you is another! It is hard though to prove. It all lead me to a breakdown.

[Fightingback16]

I’m concerned for the future just as much now as I did back then. I really need support from the courts not the opposite. I hear on here and people who were at the freedom programme with me that the courts don’t seem that bothered.

[NoShameInNameChanging6262626]

I am very sorry for everyone who the courts have not helped, i think the poster who said somthing about woman not reporting till the relationship ended made a valid point, it just comes across as a woman scorned unless there is evidence.

I am very very fortunate in that when my ex attacked me infront of our children the court found him guilty and have him a court order stating he cannot contact or communicate with me or the children,

I have since had it extended because of evidence of the abuse i had kept throughout the years and threats about parental alienation etc

If someone is reading this who is in an abusive realtionship and this thread is scaring you about maybe your child being left with your abuser,

Please get any evidence you can and send it to an email address or somthing. The texts/emails/facebook messages I have saved have been so so helpful at keeping us all safe

I have friends who have been in the exact same situation as me and didn't get the outcome I did because they didn't have the evidence i had. Evidence is key here it really is

[Hottubbinhenrietta]

@CountryCasual I agree with you entirely.

[Fightingback16]

It’s very hard to prove emotional abuse and mental abuse. If I could take out my brain and picture the damage I would. I personally never reported anything whilst in the relationship, I never believed anything was wrong. I only believed whatever did happen I deserved. He never wrote anything down to me until after when he let loose with loads of vile msgs. Threatening to kill him self etc

[Fightingback16]

I’m very disheartened and I’ve made a massive fuck up by leaving and thinking that our lives will be any different. Suddenly we’d all be free and happy.

[Vretz]

I think you are sounding quite raw, it's a tough situation and you are doing what you can.

There is always cynicism within courts, but the best advice I ever heard was if everyone feels they got something, but not everything, then it was probably the fairest outcome. Nobody wins at court, 1 side just loses a little less.

[Fightingback16]

Little dd will be the loser.

[PicsInRed]

Scott72

I ask only the same level of belief a man would receive if he said an associate nicked his car.

Its only women who are presumed to be lying despite the vast majority of the lying being men lying about not raping the women they've raped.

Who rapes?
Who is raped?
Who does the lying?
Yet who is accused of lying?

It's practically biblical.

[Fightingback16]

If he wanted access so badly, he is still hounding my lawyer for it then why won’t he just apply to court and get it over with. It’s been 4 months now and he knows he needs to apply.

[Fightingback16]

If he was a “normal” doting father wouldn’t he have applied ASAP.

[Fightingback16]

When I left he told me to bring it all on, courts etc. He couldn’t wait to tell them about me and make me suffer....tell them what I don’t know. I think maybe he is shocked that his threat didn’t scare me.

[illclapwheniminpressed]

Op this process is like all others situations, you will have ups and downs.
Feeling positive and then days of feeling like you should of just stayed but it does get better the dc grow up and through that they will see your love.

I have experienced my own family court with my exh, and it was all a basic, I spent so much time mental on it which I regretted until recently when I fear my ex to my youngest my take me to court.
It's extremely hard to separate yourself from it.
I watched exdp take his ex to court to mess with her I didn't realise that was his intention until he just stopped contact when the order was granted.

You will get through this, you need a plan, you need to write down everything he says and does and before you react - get some advice this is most important.
You can not let you emotions react for you.

[illclapwheniminpressed]

@Vretz you argument is about the man, not the child involved.

Also how rare would it be for a dad to lose his job, shout once and his dp decides that's enough to breaks up their family and then lies in court?...

[gluteustothemaximus]

No such thing as a shit husband and great dad. Arseholes are arseholes.

It’s shit.

Eventually my ex gave up. Before that I made things difficult and never had visits without me there. I was lucky. He was so tight he didn't take it to court. He did threaten to. I saw a solicitor that was best money I spent. I kept detailed records of what he did and when.

I moved away too.

It’s often why abused women stay. It’s the thought of their babies being handed over to their abusive father.

Something needs to change.

Would you ever drop your child off at a random male's house, known for his violent abusive behaviour/alcohol and drug abuse? Of course not. But as he's the father...

Oh and when they kidnap them...Nothing they can do. He's the father.

It’s all bullshit.

[madcatladyforever]

I cannot see how abusive men can make great fathers quite honestly. Mine was banned from seeing my son at all until he was 18 and rightly so.

[Fightingback16]

I do get a bit emotional sometimes. I have PTSD and I’m trying to desensitise. Which is hard because he will always be someone to be afraid of. I’m genuinely very worried for dd. He knows it will destroy me if he gets to her. But he hasn’t even applied yet so I have a bit of time.

[silverstrawberry]

What's good for the goose is good for the gander! don't expect him to behave any different for your children's sake The anger is already inside the dad. I refused to let my ex see the kids and my solicitor fought tooth and nail to make sure he wouldn't can't imagine the anxiety I would have had to leave them with him

[Fightingback16]

Would a lot of women really go through the process of court with the money and stress it causes just to get back at there ex’s?

For a good few months I tried to co-parent with him but he used it to still cause me stress. He has given me no choice and it was whilst I was traumatised so I didn’t see the abuse then. I have his terrible msgs he used to send me to bully me.

[Embracelife]

You have plenty evidence
He hasn't applied yet
Enjoy this time
The older dd is when contact occurs the better so she can tell you what happens