Bit of a rant as to why abusive men get to see their children?

[Fightingback16]

I’m just needing to have a rant. I’ve spoken to a few people lately about my abusive husband and him having contact with dd. I even to an extent had the same conversation yesterday with my lawyer who I know only speaks from experience not her opinion.

Why do fathers have a right to see their children when they have abused there children’s mother. The emotional attachment they need with mummy is invaluable. If they can do it all in front of their children and not just when they aren’t around then how will they be good fathers. As people have told me, yes I did chose to have a child with him (chose is not really the right word, more like tricked/forced)

I’m a bit different because my husband has put my daughters life in danger so he isn’t allowed contact until it goes through the court.

But are there mums out there who have to hand over their children to their dads each week? Do they end up changing and being ok fathers?

[tabulahrasa]

My dad has a history of being violent with partners, I think, I was young so I’m not entirely sure that it wasn’t as full on with my mum as with his later partners, though I do have memories of some pretty abusive behaviour towards her.

Once they’d split and we were moving between them rather than living with them both I’ve never seen him being violent, he was never violent or abusive towards us, or when we were there... though I know he was with later partners.

I’m pretty much no contact with him now, but tbh I do think contact with him as a child after my parents had split up was a positive thing...

[PicsInRed]

I think the issue is lots of women claim their partners were abusive once a relationship ends

Yeah, they really dont and most women know that claiming domestic abuse only serves to cause both friends and the authorities to deem the woman a trouble maker. Seldom are women actually believed or supported. God help any woman who (truthfully) accuses her ex of abusing the children. Research shows that accusations by men are given benefit of the doubt, while accusations by a woman put the woman (and the children) at risk of the woman losing custody for "parental alienation" - whilst actual parental alienation by male abusers is totally ignored by friends and the courts. In other words, keep your mouth shut, woman, or else.

You speak of the "mild" abuse your friends suffered. You are QED of women disclosing abuse and being criticised for exaggerating or outright lying. Do some reading on coercive control and the dynamics of abuse. Be a better friend when your friends disclose.

[Flyingf1edgelings]

My ex beat me before I was pregnant I was with him 4 years. Once I had the baby I realised I didnt want to bring my child up seeing me cry and hurt all the time, he was more emotional abusive.
I didnt let him have over nights to he was 3 and his mum was always there. I will be honest and say he has never raised his voice to our son. He isnt a bad person, he was just a really shit boyfriend. He was sexually abused by 2 16 year olds when he was 7 that babysit him and I do believe that is what made him insecure in a relationship.
My son is now 14 and adores his dad. His dad is now married and he seems to have grew up alot. My son has never seen him fight with her.

[Herpesfreesince03]

I agree with you op. This happened with one of my best friends. Her oh beat and raped her for years. One day he came home from a full night out on the piss and beat and raped her in front of the children. He smashed a glass over her head and put her through a window. They owned and lived in a pub btw and the full attack in front of the children was caught on cctv. He was sentenced to 8 years, was out in 4, took my friend to court for access and was immediately granted overnights every other weekend

[Fightingback16]

Holy shit. That is exactly what I’m scared about. Biggest regret I ever made was giving in and having a child. I hate to say that because I love her with my life. But what kind of life will she end up having if he is involved. I can only do so much. Once he gets into her head like he did me then she will be in trouble.

[Fightingback16]

I could literally worry myself into a hole over this.

[ludicrouslemons]

I'm sorry you're in an awful situation.

It's a very serious matter for the state (through the courts) to deprive someone of contact with their kids. I think it's right that there's a very high bar for that.

Abuse is hard to prove and family situations are often messy with allegations on both sides. I don't envy the judges who have to decide these cases.

[megletthesecond]

Way better to not see a useless parent than have contact with a shitty one.

[Fightingback16]

Why don’t parents set the bar higher. Why doesn’t my husband set his bar higher. Why would a decent person who cared about their child and their emotional development think that abusing their mum in front of them is fair. Once you cross that line then you loose. Well that’s what I think.

[Embracelife]

The knife incident and being stoned/drunk is more neglect isnt it? And court might say with parenting classes and addiction support he is ok to have supervisedcontact building to unsupervised?

Abuse can cover a range .

The person who emotionally abused partner may apparently be ok with child. Or as one pp said may grow up over time

OP the best you can do is support your child as she grows
If she sees dad because courts say so let her enjoy toys etc whatever.
Build her resiliency
Ensure she knows she can always talk to you.
Talk and listen to her. Practice games where you act out her day...she more likely to tell you something incidentally than directly. That will help with anything.
Use the NSPCC Pants videos when she old enough.
Dont make out there s a monster everywhere but build her up to be resilient.
Yes she may be directed to have contact. Be supportive and seek professional support family therapy. Be resilient yourself.grow a confident child.

[Embracelife]

Lots went on with exp. One dd sees him and she s learned to manage some aspects of his behaviour. One does not. Fzmily therapy (not ever with ex) was really helpful esodc in understanding that the person is still the child s other parent in their eyes.

[SimonJT]

I had a violent upbringing, my mother would beat my dad and later us. The courts decided we all had to live with our mum, two years later SS and the courts allowed my sister to live with our dad, I however was forced to stay with my mum. I’m 32, I still have physical scars on my body from her.

Don’t think the system will ever change.

[Fightingback16]

The thing is with my husband. He only wants dd to use as a method to make me unwell. He kept me mentally unwell, refused medication etc when I became better and more confident his methods became harder to push me back. He started to use Dd to get to me, he wouldn’t dress her, brush her hair and teeth, when I brought it up he’d threaten to kill me. He wanted me to bring it up. He laughed when he was stoned and she was in his care, he’d tell me to bring it on so that he could go to court and he could tell them about me. He has nothing on me. He couldn’t control her allergy, when I say couldn’t, he had no intention of. I and my support worker believe he deliberately made her unwell so as to make me stressed and break again.

[Fightingback16]

When your in the throws of abuse you just don’t see what’s happening. Now I’m out and I talk about it I’m absolutely traumatised at the danger of it. When I lived with him he could’ve give a dam about me or dd. He’d go away for weeks, not bother to call. I don’t see how he can suddenly be an ok dad.

[HarrietTheShy]

YANU, OP.

There was a recent case in Canada where the father had previously assaulted the mother along with tons of recorded verbal abuse. He was given court-ordered anger management sessions. He refused to attend and the judge STILL gave him joint custody against the mother's wishes. He killed both girls on Christmas day.

No parent, male or female, who has violence on their record should have unsupervised contact with children.

[Fightingback16]

I Feel like a fool. I held off having children for 12 years. I shouldn’t have given in to him.

[missyB1]

Ffs what has “resilience” got to do with it??! It’s one of the most over bloody used words these days - a true “buzz word”!! So a child who is forced into contact with an abusive parent will be able to cope by showing some resilience eh? Righty Ho

Perhaps when I was growing up with an abusive parent I should have just tried to be a bit more resilient 🙄

[Embracelife]

So you cannot get inside his head. You need to stop trying. You say he did xxx UK achieve xxx. But you can never know his thought process. And it no longer matters. You are the heroine in this story. You got away
You will support your daughter.
The less time you spend on him the better.

Have you had any counselling?
it can really help.you can write your own life now. Do it. Let go of thinking about him.

[Embracelife]

Missy of course not. No one can justify abuse.
But if you are looking at what can op do now she got away to support her child in future when she may have court ordered contact then helping her to grow up to talk about challenges and work out best way forward is the kind of resiliency I am talking about. With supportive parent.

[Fightingback16]

So at the moment the ball is in his court and I’m safe here and so is dd.

I’m playing devils advocate in that I assume if he applies he will get access. We are totally different people, he takes drugs, drinks, swears, shouts, taught dd so hack up and spit on the floor. How is our little girl going to cope with such extreme differences. She will go between to different ways of living. I feel bad for her.

[Fightingback16]

Literally if you walk down the street and look at him he will come up in your face and ask what you looking at. He has been dismissed from work for aggression. He is ugly, he did that with me and dd all the time, I hated it.

[Embracelife]

Push for supervised access.

[Embracelife]

One step at a time.your ddwill cope becausd it wibe limited.
But seek some outside help therapycounselling family therapy speak to child psychologist for advice.

[Whataloadofshite]

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't want an abusive man anywhere near kids. Nope.

[Fightingback16]

Yeah I’m running ahead of myself, but I’m aware what’s coming. It’s a shame that she has to deal with it.