Bit of a rant as to why abusive men get to see their children?

[Fightingback16]

I’m just needing to have a rant. I’ve spoken to a few people lately about my abusive husband and him having contact with dd. I even to an extent had the same conversation yesterday with my lawyer who I know only speaks from experience not her opinion.

Why do fathers have a right to see their children when they have abused there children’s mother. The emotional attachment they need with mummy is invaluable. If they can do it all in front of their children and not just when they aren’t around then how will they be good fathers. As people have told me, yes I did chose to have a child with him (chose is not really the right word, more like tricked/forced)

I’m a bit different because my husband has put my daughters life in danger so he isn’t allowed contact until it goes through the court.

But are there mums out there who have to hand over their children to their dads each week? Do they end up changing and being ok fathers?

[Fightingback16]

Yes I know, I’m getting way ahead of myself. I’m not having a great week. It’s been over a year since he forced me out the family home. He has no intention of sorting finances or co-operating with the divorce so now I need to issue financial proceedings. I’ve managed to get a decree nisi deemed to be served as he wouldnt respond. It’s just all so overwhelming.

[Embracelife]

Have you seen a therapist?
Call samaritans if you dont have one just to talk

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Yes, it astounds me that women have their children removed by SS if they choose to stay with these men but low and behold If the women leave the men are granted access??

The mind boggles.

Contact the CMS, and don't reply to any abusive messages AT ALL, it will be twisted and used against you. I hope you kept all the previous abusive messages.

Have you been to see the GP mental health wise, if not you need to do that ASAP.

Come out if that victim mentality and stand firm OP. If he hasn't made a court application by now do you really think he will? It's all just got air to try and scare you. GREY ROCK.

Do you and your daughter have somewhere safe and stable to live now?

[Fightingback16]

Yes I’ve seen the gp and was having help before the lockdown. I’ve been concentrating on stabilising myself so I feel a hell of allot better then I have done a few months back. I’ve had no contact with him since mid December. We are safe where we are.

Nothing is going to get sorted outside of court, I’m kind of resound to that fact now. He has failed to respond to my solicitors regarding swapping financials amicably twice. She said it’s up to me whether I want to give him more time or make an application . It’s been over a year so I don’t think he will make a fair offer or stick to it without court.

[blue30]

People lie, people exagerate, people have axes to grind. My ex cheated on me so I'm gonna drop a few bombs on him kind of mentality. Ex throws mud back. You know it happens ten times a day so how are the courts supposed to get to the bottom of it all? Thats why the default is the way it is.

[Fightingback16]

Yes I understand. I guess some people maybe would use their children as pawns. I know I did my best to work with him, it’s all on him now.

[PicsInRed]

Yeah, because a tiny proportion of women allegedly lie about men, lets automatically put a huge proportion of women and children at risk from the objective and evidenced epidemic of violence, rape and murder by men.

Proportionate, makes perfect sense in a patriarchy.

[Fightingback16]

I get the feeling the system doesn’t understand the nature of abuse. I feel a bit like oh well you chose him so now it’s your problem.

[PicsInRed]

I get the feeling the system doesn’t understand the nature of abuse

I thought that too, but sadly came to the realisation that the system knows, the system understands, but the system doesn't care. Misogyny and the continuation of patriarchy beats logic, compassion, and the rule of law for women in our society.

I feel a bit like oh well you chose him so now it’s your problem

This is it, "you bred with him, you picked him, it's not harassment if it's a conversation about the kids/coparenting blah blah blah/what do you want us to do?". Makes me so angry.

[Fightingback16]

I have another letter today from his solicitor regarding contact. He has asked if he can see his daughter on her birthday in a few weeks. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make it any clearer he needs to make an order. I don’t want him hear. At Christmas he brought presents and then tried to bang in the door.

[Fightingback16]

I feel like the baddy. With my PTSD I don’t think I could even cope with him around me even if I supervised him with dd.

[Embracelife]

Is there someone else who could supervise ?

[Vretz]

Probably worth sharing this...
www.familylaw.co.uk/news_and_comment/2019-judicial-diversity-statistics-published

It isn't a patriarchal society...
You also may want to read the abuse cases.. I have a lot of contact in a professional capacity around the finances in divorces, and I put your question to her.

Paraphrasing her reply:
"Some of the stories we hear are horrific. It does put into context what 'abuse' actually is for us... It sounds awful but sometimes we hear things where we know it was hell for that individual and we sympathise, but legally and in context, it wasn't as bad as that individual thinks it was. The default is always that the child needs both parents equally"

Reply to the solicitor, state your concerns and ask for a solution to them to build your levels of trust in him. It is unfair to deny your child the opportunity to make a judgement of their father independently of your views, and that is why the courts default to access... Look up parental alienation.

[Vretz]

Sorry, "her" is a family law barrister! Doh!

[Antipodeancousin]

It’s because women are disproportionately on the receiving end of abuse and yet men disproportionately make the laws. Look at parliament.
Of course a man who has the psychology to abuse their partner is also going to be a bad father. He is self entitled, controlling and lacks empathy, all of which are important for raising a child.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I was married to an abusive man. He got 50/50 of our 3 and 6 yo. Six years on he continues to abuse remotely (all of us) and is taking me back to court yet again to try to change the order so I only see my kids eow.
I'm almost 38 weeks' pregnant with my fiancé and ex cannot cannot deal with this.
To say the justice system has let me and my kids down would be an understatement.

[Doggybiccys]

@Fightingback16 - it’s truly shit. Part of the problem can be seen in @CountryCasual ‘s post (which is shocking) - the inherent misogyny under which we live. Where having a relationship with the father top trumps the rights of DC to be protected from abusers. Men who abuse women cannot by definition be good fathers. It makes my blood boil.

[Vretz]

We had a female PM up until recently? We also have a queen, not a king.
Though I agree parliament has a lot of work to do on female representation.
However, I don't agree that MPs
dismiss abuse.

Some of the leading experts are involved in the creation of these laws... You don't honestly think MPs write laws? They are written by specialists in abuse cases, with help from bodies like the NSPCC/women's aid. The child has their right to choice (Human Rights Act) enshrined in law, which often 1 parent tries to infringe by saying 'they are a bad parent as they abused me' then having no answer to 'where is your evidence?' - it's also the same law underpinning the abuse laws.

[PicsInRed]

It sounds awful but sometimes we hear things where we know it was hell for that individual and we sympathise, but legally and in context, it wasn't as bad as that individual thinks it was. The default is always that the child needs both parents equally"

No, that doesn't sound like patriarchy at all.

The word they're looking for is "her", not "that individual".

Absolutely QED.

[TP67]

One of my colleagues was in an abusive relationship and now she is out of it, he has trained their child to continue to abuse. It’s horrible to listen to.

[bluebluezoo]

Why do fathers have a right to see their children when they have abused there children’s mother.

They don’t have the right to see their children.

However the child has the right to know their father. The decision should be in the child’s interest.

[Fightingback16]

I tried to put trust in him over the months we tried to coparent and it just got worse. If he wanted a different day with no warning he’d shout in my face and threaten me until I gave in, my plans didn’t matter. I tried to get him to download the parent app, he wouldn’t. He’d book courses on his days with her and not turn up. I offered contact in a contact centre after the ambulance incident in our area and he said he wouldn’t take the time off work. Dd came home sick every time, it’s awful, I have videos of her coughing and wretching from her allergy. The bed she slept in had no sheets, hadn’t been changed in 5 months. I made her packed lunches so he didn’t have to worry about food and what was safe, he didn’t give them to her and she was sick. He’s addicted to weed. He drink drives. Etc etc

I feel the only way to resolve it would be the get it in a consent order.

[Fightingback16]

Every time she was with him she would come back sick with her allergy. It would take me days and no sleep to nurse her back to health and then it repeated. I told him I was struggling as me and dd not sleeping with these coughing and vomiting, he just laughed. I tried to help him, I was going in and cleaning the whole house, picking up the dog poo, moving all his batteries, weed off the floor, it’s not fair he should do that for her.

[Fightingback16]

Father’s Day he decided on the day to cancel going to work and ring me and say he wants Dd. I said that this is not fair, we need to give each other notice. I said I’d cancel our dinner plans and she can go with you. He went mad at m, threatened me, my life.
Came over and took her, brought her back after 3 days not changed her clothes or brushed her hair.....why did he want her but not look after her?

[Fightingback16]

I can’t live like that.