Bit of a rant as to why abusive men get to see their children?

[Fightingback16]

I’m just needing to have a rant. I’ve spoken to a few people lately about my abusive husband and him having contact with dd. I even to an extent had the same conversation yesterday with my lawyer who I know only speaks from experience not her opinion.

Why do fathers have a right to see their children when they have abused there children’s mother. The emotional attachment they need with mummy is invaluable. If they can do it all in front of their children and not just when they aren’t around then how will they be good fathers. As people have told me, yes I did chose to have a child with him (chose is not really the right word, more like tricked/forced)

I’m a bit different because my husband has put my daughters life in danger so he isn’t allowed contact until it goes through the court.

But are there mums out there who have to hand over their children to their dads each week? Do they end up changing and being ok fathers?

[Fightingback16]

If anything at least it wouldn’t be like before where he chop and changed days and times and screamed at me if I didn’t co-operate and force his way into my house. It would be set by the court.

[Seadad]

I’m afraid it really does depend on what is seen as ‘abuse’ and whether it is enough to make contact more harmful than no contact.

But the fact is that just about ALL these abusive men would not have any childrenunless their mothers chose them
So if you liked their ‘hard man’ lifestyle-then that’s the father you get when you have their children.

[Embracelife]

Abusive people are complex. They charmed you enough to trap you. They might be powerful people and charming. Have decent jobs. Never shout at their boss or co workers.
They might be also bullies. Many bullies also have their followers and chosen people.
They dont always look like "evil". They may even manage to keep a decent relationship with children while can never be around the other parent. It isnt simple.

[Heatherjayne1972]

I was told it’s because the child has the right to see the father
Not the other way around

In my case he sees them weekly and although he was happy to abuse me he’s a ‘Disney dad’ ( for the 5 hours Of his choosing that he sees them on a Saturday )

[missyB1]

I think to say things like “he only abused me never the kids” or “yes he was complete bully to me but has always been a good dad” misses the point.

Yeah they might love seeing him (especially if he showers them with gifts etc.. But personally I wouldn’t underestimate the emotional damage done to kids when they know one of their parents has behaved in aggressive/ bullying/ violent manner to the other.

[Fightingback16]

It’s not just what he was doing but what he was telling dd. She was 3 and coming home saying daddy says he wants no none to love mummy. When I told her to stop doing something naughty she said I want daddy to shout at you, I like it when daddy shouts at you. It’s so messed up, imagine what he could have told her over the years and the damage.

[missyB1]

Yes OP that’s what I was trying to get at. It’s the danger of screwing their heads up. And damaging their relationships with others, not just in the present but in the future too.

[Fightingback16]

That’s what terrifies me the most. She is a beautiful little girl, like everyone’s children are. It fills me with dread at the thought of what he will do to her and her mental health and growth.

And no I did not choose a hard man. He was not at the beginning, he was charming. I survived him everyday, I lost my identity, my morals, I just survived. Now I can’t believe what I accepted!

[missyB1]

So as your dd grows up don’t be afraid to emphasise to her how strong you were to get out of an abusive relationship. Be proud of yourself, and rather than letting her see you as a victim present yourself as a hero. You want to be a strong courageous role model.

[Fightingback16]

The last incident he brought her home before I stopped contact. It was mid allergic reaction, holding her in his arms, lips swollen. He told me I sent her like that in the morning to him 8 hrs earlier (which I didn’t) he then came into the house and shouted at me for putting ham in her sandwich and trying to give her cancer from the ham. I couldn’t get a word in about the allergic reaction, he wouldnt tell me what she ate. After an hour she was so unwell I had to call the ambulance. I’m guessing he was trying to gas light me with the ham to cover up what he did....he can’t take any blame or responsibility, I think he is a dangerous man and father!

[Fightingback16]

He simply said he left his food on the table from the day before which she ate the whole of before he realised. He knows about her allergy. But he denied that’s what caused the reaction and that it was my fault. It doesn’t happen like that tho, she can’t have sesame and it’s instant not 8hrs later. Also I sent her with a safe packed lunch that she takes to pre school with no problem.

[missyB1]

I hope all these incidents are logged and dated. It’s always good to be able to list them to a solicitor, photos as well if possible. Keep all txts etc

[OhioOhioOhio]

The law makes it more fair for the bastard.

[Wishforsnow]

The law is on the side of shit dad's. The poor children who have to see them as its apparently their right

[Fightingback16]

I guess the laws are written by men unfortunately.

[Fightingback16]

I need to teach her to be strong and have a strong sense of morals.

[PicsInRed]

I guess the laws are written by men unfortunately.

And then the law is further interpreted largely by men in the family and criminal courts.

I've never been more aware of how little has changed.

Oh, the law changes, but when was the last time you saw a successful marital rape case? And marital rape is really, depressingly common. No, very little has changed.

[Fightingback16]

All I hear is leave the relationship be a survivor, your free life awaits.... but oh wait we going to send your kids back, so no free life, my daughter is my life. Should just stay, put up with it, at least I was always around to protect her. It’s all a load of bullshit. Maybe she has a better chance now. If he gets the opportunity to sow a seed then really it’s all for nothing.

[Fightingback16]

A little thing, with me she loves to great and wave at the bin men. She gets up on the worktop and waves and they all come and wave. She and they love it. He comes one day as she was going to wave at them and he grabs her and says urgh they dirty stay away don’t wave. That really is nothing but it causes a change in her.

[PicsInRed]

Yep, stay and you're abusive for failing to leave and protect your child. But the microsecond you leave, you're expected to hand the children over for unsupervised contact up to 50% of the time...otherwise you're abusive for failing to facilitate the child's relationship with their father.

It is total, woman hating, bullshit.

[Fightingback16]

I’m quite sad and disappointed really. It took an awful toll for me to leave. I never really looked in to any of this. There really is a problem going on in this country.

[Fightingback16]

I’m all for fair parenting where you can. I’m told that you have to parallel parent with an abuser. What is the point of that for dd. I have it in several messages from my husband that he will make sure she won’t end up anything like her mother. How can I parent with that!!!!!

[Fightingback16]

And in another msg he states he wants parental responsibility to stop me from ever
moving.... really has her best interests!

[Scott72]

@PicsinRed are you saying false, or exaggerated, allegations are so rare a woman should just be able to make an allegation, and that's all the proof the court will need?

[totallyoverthisbullshit]

Fathers AND Mothers who are abusive to their partner should lose the rights to see their children until they have gone through a gruelling court investigation that they have fully reformed their behaviour, undertaken extensive counselling and anger management and take full responsibility for their action - no 'they made me so angry' etc.

DH's Father was violent to his mother in front of them when they were children and it haunts him thirty years later.
Children are so often thrown to the mercy of the abusive parent because they 'have a right to see them' - bullshit.

Parenting is not a right, it is a privilege and when you put your hands on your partner you become the lowest of the low and you should grovel and completely reform before you are even allowed in the same room as your child.