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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To those who "stayed for the kids"

118 replies

mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 08:13

How did that work out for you? Did you manage to work through everything in the end and be happy you stayed together?... or did you break up eventually anyway and wish you did it sooner? Asking for me 😂

OP posts:
Needtogetbackinthesack · 12/05/2020 09:15

I was the kid whose parents did that for a while. Was hell on earth, mum ended up resentful and eventually had an affair and I still now - aged 36 - remember that resentment. When they split up life for much better - she left us for the affair and they are still together 20 years later and my dad married his childhood sweetheart and has a much better life without her.

I didn't stay for my kids, I left to get them out of a hellish, miserable life. Nearly a year on and I have no regrets. The kids have issues but they stem from the DA rather than me leaving.

Don't stay.

nolovelost · 12/05/2020 09:23

I knew for long time before I left that I wanted to go. But I tried and tried mainly for the sake of the kids but things were irrepairable. Things happened that couldn't be forgotten or forgiven. It depends on the reasons for leaving, are they repairable?

TigerDater · 12/05/2020 09:25

I stayed, and finally binned him when the youngest was 19. It was a non-abusive marriage but we grew apart (I grew up, he didn’t!). We couldn’t see a future together where we would both be happy, but the DC needed a stable base. We are now both happy and so are they (5 years later). Contra to the standard MN advice, it can be for the best - though obviously it’s not the ideal, which would have been for everything to be sunshine and roses throughout Grin

lookingforadvice11 · 12/05/2020 09:30

My parents stayed together for the kids, it was a hostile home with forced jollity and pretend happiness, when my dad cheated years later and finally left my mum never got over the resentment that her life had been ‘ruined’ and I suffer the impact even now and my sister refuses to see my dad ever again, please don’t stay together for the kids it’s so much worse in the long run

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 09:40

@nolovelost he did something to me last July that I am struggling to get past. Whilst I was asleep he put his fingers in my vagina and I woke up to it. Won't bore you with my life's history but he knows I don't like fingers in my vagina even when awake so it wasn't a sexy morning sex thing. It disgusted me and I'm struggling to look at him in a positive way now. I don't want a one off incident to ruin my kids happy family but I just don't think I can happily have a sexual relationship again now. I feel utterly disrespected beyond belief. He has apologised and admits it was a mistake and I am trying to forgive and forget and move on but my body/mind won't let me. I've also lost my wedding ring mysteriously which I'm wondering if it's a sign from above haha

OP posts:
MonsieurChaCha · 12/05/2020 09:49

Leave. There's no coming back from such a serious sexual assault

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 09:50

I should add it's not just for the kids I want to stay, it's for me too. I absolutely can not bear the thought of not seeing them every day. I'm also a control freak/worrier and the thought of him taking them away on holidays alone etc puts the fear of god into me. I feel like staying is the only way I can keep control, but then I also don't think I can keep up a sexual relationship with a man I currently resent so much.

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 12/05/2020 09:52

I was a kid whose parents did this, and honestly I wish they'd made the break sooner.

cheeseislife8 · 12/05/2020 09:53

And you should leave... what he did is disgusting

CrawleyJ · 12/05/2020 09:55

I was a kid in this environment

I’m now no contact with my father and barely talk to my mother. It was a miserable childhood and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Please do not stay for the kids, even if you aren’t actively arguing your kids know, believe me, they know

FlowerArranger · 12/05/2020 10:04

Have you had counselling at all, OP? You suffered sexual abuse when you were growing up, and now this. You cannot deal with all this on your own. You will be in a better position to decide whst to do about your marriage if you first address these issues, which must be overwhelming for you.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 10:06

Sorry I think my words were misleading it wasn't sexual abuse, more childbirth stuff.. since then I don't like fingers in the vagina and that's off limits now for us. I did try couples counselling when it happened but it really wasn't for me

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 10:09

Also, when I talk of history there was another incident almost 4 years ago where he "thought I was awake". Since then sleepy things have also been off limits. I did manage to get past that one but don't think I can do it twice. Once can be a mistake but twice is a pattern even with years in between

OP posts:
Needtogetbackinthesack · 12/05/2020 10:19

@mummy1428 I'm a control freak and the worries about handing over my kids kept me there for a long time. They're about to go stay with him for the first time this weekend. I'm sure I'll be an emotional wreck in the day but I promise it gets easier to comprehend. I'm actually excited about all the post lockdown possibilities for my free time too now. It's taken a lot of work to get to this point but don't be held back by it

Raidblunner · 12/05/2020 10:20

I stayed in an unhappy relationship far to long. 24 years in total, 15 of which were fairly miserable! She had a drunken one night stand with someone and during counselling it emerged after the birth of our second daughter 'something' happened with a so called friend of mine. She said they never had sex as they didn't think it was fair on me, I never believed it to this day. I did leave for a year but I missed my 2 little girls so much we sort of tried again. I'd been in and out of care as a child and I didn't want them to suffer a broken home scenario. I buried myself in to work and making money. Looking back I so wish I'd not stayed in many ways but the pain of separation from the children would have eventually put me in the ground. My middle daughter daughter is now going through her divorce in her early 30's. My advice has been don't stay for the sake of the children. You forsake yourself and become unhappy and your no good to your children like that.

Jjjjjj1981 · 12/05/2020 10:23

That is sexual assault OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to not be able to sweep it under the carpet and carry on. That’s not in any way acceptable, and yes it’s a criminal offence.
You owe it to your children to protect yourself from a man who does something like that

RedRed9 · 12/05/2020 10:25

@MonsieurChaCha means what he did to you was sexual assault OP.

fairydustandpixies · 12/05/2020 10:29

My parents did and it resulted in an awful childhood where I had to parent my mother every time she found out about another affair and fell to pieces. They did stay together and still are, they're in their 70's now.

I was put on anti depressants aged 14 and am still on them and have terrible mental health 30 odd years later.

Having lived through that, I didn't 'stay for the kids'. I left my ex husband when DC were 4 and 5. He refused to have anything to do with our DC after that and never saw them again. No regrets on my part.

Ibelieveinyesterday · 12/05/2020 10:32

Parents did that and I wish they didn't. They eventually split and divorced but the time leading up to then was hell.
I've noticed that my own boundaries are really affected as an adult and I'm working on these but it's not easy.
In a lot of cases, it's much more stable to show your kids what a healthy relationship looks like as well as resilience, assertiveness and boundaries.
Kids really pick up on more than they're given credit for and if I ever have any, I'll be ensuring mine know that it's ok to leave a(ny) relationship if you are unhappy.

WeveGottaGetTherouxThis · 12/05/2020 10:33

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, OP. I actually cannot believe he did something so intrusive to you, irrespective of the history. The fact he knows it is an issue for you just compounds how wrong this is. I am in shock.

I think you need to leave. You deserve to be in a much better relationship. I completely empathise with you regarding the not being able to cope mentally with the thought of not always being in control of what is happening with the children. How old are they? I know it doesn’t help in the short term, but in the not too distant future, they will become increasingly independent and you will be stuck in a loathsome situation. I’d be tempted to report him to the police to be honest.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 11:06

Children and almost 3 and almost 5 😥 I love them so much and miss them even when I am at work. I just can't imagine not tucking them in every night

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 12/05/2020 12:18

I feel desperately for you. So many women stay in a difficult relationship for their DC .I can hear how much you love them and miss them when you are at work. Hugs to you .Did you ask why he did this when he knows you dont like it? If you did split would he be a 50/50 parent or maybe lose interest.You may have them more than you think as they are both so little .When you do have them you would be with them 100% IFSYIM.Do you get on well normally? Maybe if you did decide to stay sleep elsewhere (not a good plan I know) Maybe try once more for counselling ,but if he disrespects boundaries then you may have to consider Divorce .

Bearski77 · 12/05/2020 12:36

@mummy1428 Oh my, I feel exactly the same. My mind (and heart) is torn between feelings of having to end it because I just have no proper relationship with dh and need to move on with my life, and the thought that I won't have the kids with me at all times. As well as also taking away the day to day involvement with the kids from him. I just don't know what to do for the best. So sorry that your DH did those things to you, it's totally out of order. And this may sound weird but I sometimes wish dh would do something to me so I would have a proper reason for wanting to split. I feel like my reasons are not enough. I hope you find a way to work this out x

Princesscg30 · 12/05/2020 12:41

@mummy1428
I'm in exactly the same situation as you. Could have written what you said myself about not seeing the kids every day, DH taking them away on holidays on his own etc. I'm staying literally for the kids. Whether i stay forever is another thing. Not sure if i could put up with DH for the rest of my life.

RoseMartha · 12/05/2020 12:43

I stayed too long in an abusive relationship. I gave him a second chance and then it was another two years before I finally had to strength to say it is over.

In hindsight I wish I had not given him another chance.

After I said it was over, we ended up living in the family home together for eighteen months or so. The divorced dragged on for months. At the start when I said it was over, he told me he would make it as hard as he could for me, well he did.

Even now I am divorced he still makes my life hard and abuses most weeks mainly through texts or verbally at child contact swap.

I would say to you after what I and the kids have gone/are going through. Dont stay together for the kids.

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