To those who "stayed for the kids"

[mummy1428]

How did that work out for you? Did you manage to work through everything in the end and be happy you stayed together?... or did you break up eventually anyway and wish you did it sooner? Asking for me 😂

Attila means well, but staying until you have a well thought out plan is fine. Don't feel hastened to leave in a mad dash,but definitely get everything in order. Speak to a solicitor if you can.

I was the child of parents who did this.

My dad was angry and emotionally distant as a way of coping. My mother was cruel because she took her pain and resentment out of me. This only got worse.

They never argued and were always civil to each other but it was awful.

My dad moved out after an affair when I was 17. He was happy with the OW and my mother has had a lovely life since.

I see now that a lot of it was sadness and frustration on both their parts but it's had a huge impact on my life and my mother's resentment towards me, which continued long after they'd separated because she waited until she was in her mid/late 40s to start living her own life, became so overwhelming for her that I no longer have any contact with her.

And all for the sake of appearances, holidays and shopping at sainsburys...

Doesn't it depend on what you mean by "staying for the kids"?

Couldn't this mean two different things?

(1) Staying because you think it's better for the children if you do
(2) Staying because you don't want to miss out on a minute of your children's childhoods?

If it's the first, it seems the prevailing view on MN would be that you are misguided, and that children would be better off with two happy parents apart, than miserable ones together, and would be distressed in adulthood at the thought you had made yourself miserable for their benefit.

If it's the second, surely that's just a case of deciding whether you are going to be happier, overall, in a marriage which is lacking but seeing your children every day, or to have the chance to find a better relationship, at the cost of seeing less of your children? I guess men typically (although not always) have a harder choice to make than women when it comes to this, as the children more often than not stay living with their mum, so they lose less contact.

Agreed Jaffacakes. I'm staying for the kids, except I'm not, I'm staying for selfish reasons, so I can live with and see my kids everyday. If I left I would be NRP, I couldn't afford anything other than a bedsit, so would see DCs for a day, never overnight. Probably EOW I'd need to work to pay maintenance as the sole income provider in our household. Weighing things up this is the lesser of two evils.

I hope it doesn't impact on DCs too much, but I'm scared I'm just kidding myself.

Leave! My parents stayed together and shouldn't of. They still live in the same house, but separate bedrooms. They do this because they cant afford to separate. Now both in their 70s and miserable.

It is also a miserable existence for the children. It greatly affected me. I'm now divorcing my husband of 14 years because I will not do what my parents did.

Honestly it's more selfish to stay because you'll miss them, then leaving and splitting childcare. He may never step up to the mark and you might get the lions share. He clearly doesnt do much now.... Also one day your children will grow up and leave home, you need to create a life for yourself outside of them.

I’m in the same position :( he’s admitted to sexually assaulting me in my sleep multiple times, but has taken steps to understand why after I confronted him. Otherwise I suspect it would be continuing. But still it’s hard to leave, as my kids would have their life turned upside down and he’s a great dad other than those incidents. So I understand how you are feeling. x

@Fiveminsofpeace did he manage to figure out why? I feel scared to sleep with my back to my husband now and that's so not normal! I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do it again.. even if it takes years I'm sure he probably will do.

Seems like a bad idea. Lots of people do it though. I would think of it like this, kids are really perceptive, and even if you think they're too young to remember bad stuff, they aren't. How you behave, solve problems and conduct relationships will form the same foundations for them. And speaking from personal experience, it took years for me to unlearn it in therapy as an adult.

He did, with the help of therapy. And he also accepts I may never be able to get over it. Only this week I’ve found the strength to ask him to sleep in the spare room. Being scared in your own bed and curling up in a ball to avoid touching isn’t the best place to make life changing decisions from. It’s worth you talking to a rape crisis person if you haven’t. It’s hard to take that step I know. It’s also hard to get your head around that, if it were a stranger, you’d not have to face them even in court. But in this situation you have to all the time, and in the same place the assault happened. So be kind to yourself; that’s what’s best for your kids. X

@Fiveminsofpeace so are you having sex at the moment? I kept doing it for a while but then something inside me snapped and I decided I can't do it anymore. I refuse to have sex I don't want to please a man who did that to me. I think that's how I know this can't go on for much longer.

Not currently, can’t even let him hug me. But like you, I carried on as normal for a while. As it was easier to than admit what was happening I think. And somehow I wanted to prove he wasn’t doing it because I’d been denying him before or because we didn’t have a good sex life. We did. He ruined that. But I can’t work out if I’ll get over it...if it was a friend I’d tell them to leave! But it’s hard to do it for yourself. I say to myself if he’d hit me instead I’d have gone. But who knows if that’s true. I hope knowing you aren’t alone is helpful anyway. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I think it’s pretty isolating given you feel you can’t tell anyone. And wouldn’t ever want your kids to know. So people won’t know why you split. If that makes sense!

Imagine finding out that your own mum put up with being sexually assaulted for years because she didn’t want to split up the family. Children won’t be small forever. One day they will be adults as well and they’d be horrified that you endured all that for the sake of appearances.

I was the kid of this type of miserable relationship. It was so much better when they broke up

I grew up in a house where for the entirety of my childhood my father was pretty much an absentee thanks to his alcoholism. He held down a job throughout, but he often left my mother short of money because he'd drink every penny he had, so my mother had to pay for everything from her salary besides car expenses.

My father wasn't abusive to me or my sibling, but he'd often come home drunk and mentally abuse my mother by waking her and subjecting her to verbal harassment. It got so bad that my mother was twice hours away from walking out with us, but in the end she never did.

The peak coincided with my early teens, and it stressed my mother to the point whereby she became neglectful and violent towards me. Being the eldest, I got all the nastiness, violence, wrath, anger etc that my father really deserved, while my sibling, being a bit younger and my mother's obvious life-long favourite, was pretty much given all the remaining warmth and affection my mother had in her. Understandably my sibling doesn't really have the same mental picture of those days that I do.

Anyway, my parents stayed together, but that ultimately ruined my relationship with both of them as I grew into an adult. I still, to this day, resent my mother for being cold, unloving, violent, and spiteful towards me as a child/adolescent with no justification whatsoever, and more recently, I've begun to accept that my otherwise jovial, warm, gentle father was also and absolutely useless parent. I have no pleasant home memories whatsoever after about 4 or 5 years old until I moved out at 18, and I've spent every minute since having minimal contact.

Unhapppy homes completely ruin children mentally. I wish my mother had left my father, even though she swears to this day that after he finally stopped drinking, shortly before I left home, their marriage was much happier for the remainder of his life, and she's glad, on balance, that she stayed with him. I think she's in total denial about how she treated me, and also, she either honestly has no clue about how it affected me, or again, she will not bring herself to accept that it is pretty much entirely responsible for my life-long poor mental health.

Don't stay with him for the sake of your children. It'll destroy you, and by extension, them.

@Fiveminsofpeace it makes complete sense I could have written that myself. It doesn't make me feel better I'm not alone, I'm shocked at how common it is for men to do this whenever I google. I don't think I could let another man into my life again after this

@mummy1428 I tell myself I’m lucky in that I’ve the income myself to survive and won’t have to move the kids schools etc . But it’s still hard when you know the kids do love you both and aren’t suffering from the situation - just you. And so easy to say it’s just a mistake and not representative of the relationship. I’ve told one or two trusted people in real life, which has helped. I do feel for you, and thanks for sharing.

What a sad thread. I will never understand why it's so difficult to leave. Your children will not thank you. I hope you find the strength to live the happy lives you deserve.

I stayed for the kids. I was married to a man who regularly groped me and would continue to have sex even if I said "No". I was told it was my fault because I was "so sexy". He also threatened suicide when I did talk about splitting, about how he would drive his van into a tree or a wall, it wouldn't be my fault of course but he couldn't live without me. He governed what I wore when I went out, he would call me or text me and if I didn't respond he would start saying I must be with another man.

I tried to leave or get him to go but the suicide threats had me over a barrel, he knew it was something my mum threatened and attempted when I was a teen and she pointed the finger at me so I carried a huge fear of being responsible for someone's death.

I finally plucked up the courage to end the marriage something happened that seriously damaged my then 12 year old's mental health and again I felt I should stay until we could sort that.

Then I stayed until the kids finished their exams. Then it was uni. Then it was until they moved out.

Eventually he did something and I left that day. I thinking leaving it so late had a more detrimental affect on the kids than it would've done had I left years before. I am pretty sure my youngest hasn't fully forgiven me, their dad spun a story about how I was mentally unstable and I was not safe to be alone.

I wish I'd had the courage to leave many years before I did.

@bloodywhitecat I used to have issues with groping and constant sexual comments too. He has stopped them now but I think the affect of it has lived on. Makes you feel like a piece of meat. There was never any affection other than groping or if we had a cuddle he would be rubbing himself against me at the same time. Disgusting 🤢

OP, I stayed in my relationship with my exH longer than I should have done. It's one of my biggest regrets. I did leave though before the kids left home (eldest was around 12 I think?). Now, 5 years later, they tell me they wish I'd left much sooner.

Your H is sexually assaulting you. It's a massively abusive relationship. Please don't underestimate the effect of being the child in that situation. If you can't leave for yourself, please leave for them. My kids are now old enough to articulate - we had a very serious discussion about it at the beginning of lockdown.

I am in no doubt at all that if you are in a crap relationship, you shouldn't stay for the kids. If you are in an abusive relationship - there's no question.

I stayed, it was awful for me and in the end I messed up badly, hurt him more than anyone deserved.

But just the other day my daughter let slip that she now realised I couldn't stand him but that it hadn't showed at the time.

One of the reasons I stayed was because he was a crap father and I didnt want the kids to have to spend time with him on their own. And I was right, when we did split (kids about 13 and 16) it did go badly for a while.

God, what a mess!

The upshot of all that is that it would have been better for us to split sooner, when the children were younger so would have had less time with him on their own (he wouldn't have insisted on 50:50 if he'd actually have had to do any parenting and could just do occasional Disney Dad). I wouldn't have given him ammunition to hate me, and I wouldn't have wasted so much time on him.

The thing is, i have no interest in getting into a relationship if i separate while my dc are young as i think its incredibly hard to find a good decent step parent who the dc will genuinely like. I also couldnt guarantee that i wouldnt break up with thew new partner either so dont fancy puting my dc in the heartbreak and getting used to different people coming in and out of their lives.

Even if i find a decent step dad/partner who knows who the 'ex' would expose them to. Break ups do strange things to you and can make people act weirdly or vindictively so who knows.

I would just like a fwb.. but even that is risky due to many unstable and cheating men who tend to like that arrangement not to mention stds.. even with condoms.

I dont want more children and i dont want part time dc to and froing between houses.

I dont want to live in a smaller home in a rough area as thats all that i would afford.

I dont want to miss out on the financial security or having a handy person and another adult in the household to share responsibilities with.

So for me its best to stay and do our own thing while being a solid unit for dc.

There are no guarantees that when you separate you will find a wonderful person that the dc will adore and who will be faithful and great and that we will model a great relationship for the children.. by all means get out if you are in an abusive relation but life is not black and white and its ok to stay for the children and yourself as long as you know what your are giving up by staying and being ok with it. If you resent it now you will still resent it when the dc have flown the nest. I dont resent it.

So do what works for you and your family.

Please never tell your children you stayed for them. It's bad enough having a miserable childhood without having to be grateful for it. Bad enough to know your mum was miserable and abused without having to be responsible for it.

OP please read and re read @bloodywhitecat post and do what you need to do. This man is vile and you need to protect your kids and yourself.

@Chocolate123 I completely understand what you are saying and would be posting the same if I read my post. But in real life on a daily basis he isn't vile and is just a normal person. He has assaulted me twice in 4 years and the rest of the time is "normal". It confuses the brain 🤦🏼‍♀️ I feel like I should be able to move on from two random incidents.. but I'm realising that it's not that simple I suppose.