To those who "stayed for the kids"

[mummy1428]

How did that work out for you? Did you manage to work through everything in the end and be happy you stayed together?... or did you break up eventually anyway and wish you did it sooner? Asking for me 😂

Sorry that was harsh

What I mean is, you feel so lonely at home, so despised by him, time with the children is your drug to keep you stable.

When you are not living with a man who gives no fucks then you will be quite happy with a few hours on your own each week.

When do you socialise now?

I tried so hard. It was no good. He left anyway, then wanted me back but it was too late. It drained me and I'd never do it niw.

@TorkTorkBam he doesn't do much solo childcare. Maybe the occasional hair appointment or lunch with friends. I'm not a social butterfly so usually home (not his fault, that's just how I am). I used to love being on my own (he worked offshore for many years) but I'm not sure what it would be like now

Following on from your update, there's no reason to be with him. He's an arse. You deserve to be happy.

Right so there is fuck all chance he will be having them 3 or 4 days a week and half the school holidays.

Most likely you life will be that he has them max one night in the week and every other weekend. You will remember how brilliant it is to be on your own. Life will be good. Tbh I bet he won't even do that much as it will be too much effort (and you'll resent it because you'll be craving alone time and socialising time).

This way of living must be sucking the very life from you every second.

@TorkTorkBam yeah I do feel like the life is being sucked from me. Lockdown has been very hard indeed! I feel like I don't want to decide anything until I'm back in "real life". But I think I am realising that real life was just masking how bad our relationship is. It's not so obvious when you're only together a few hours in the evening.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I appreciate it so much.

Now you can get an appointment booked with a solicitor.

Now you can start planning what your life would look like.

Now you can remember what is was like when you were happy in the past.

All those things can happen now to take some of the fear out of the decision when you are ready to make the decision.

Even if you decide that another 15 years of this lifeless marriage would be best for you and a great environment for the children to learn about how relationships work day in day out, then a bit of planning the alternative has done no harm.

Telling yourself you can't plan a single future until you have definitely decided to go that route is a cop out due to fear and being emotionally drained. You are unlikely to wake up one day less emotionally drained given that you live attached to the drain.

When I was younger I used to wish my parent's would just divorce.

They were miserable together and are still together and very dysfunctional- but she stayed for us. All of my siblings have had issues with their mental health because it was so unhealthy.

My ex H has the kids every other weekend. 50:50 wasn’t even discussed. When they were very young it was Saturday morning to Sunday evening. Now it is a full weekend. He has never taken them abroad or away for more than a week. Whilst I’ve back packed with mine around Italy many many times. You can do it OP.

Before anyone comments I would never have stopped 50:50. He just never asked. He has them for 2 weeks of the school holidays. Again I’ve never stopped him he just can’t be arsed. He does pay the maintenance on time though.

Its better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

Think of it this way - 30 years in the future, if one of your children was in an unhappy, abusive marriage, would you ever in a million years encourage them to stay for their kids?

Your happiness is important. If you stay, you’re teaching them that their happiness is not important in their relationships.

No abuse, no fundamental reason for not being happy just not in love anymore and left 1 week ago. Stayed for the kids 2 DD 19 and 16 who are struggling to come to terms with what I have done but something in me snapped and I could take no more. Husband still in love with me and wanting to go through marriage guidance which after 30 years together its the least we owe each other.

So difficult being on my own in a house without my kids too quiet, lonely.....but I know Ive done the right thing. Eldest one talking to me but youngest one totally blanking!

A very sad situation which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but I cannot help the way I feel. Feels rather strange putting myself first after such a long time.

@Diabetes I can't understand how you could do that.

Not that I have to,it's your life.

This is a hard one. My parents often argued and never seemed happy but they did everything for me and my brother - we were convinced they would split up. They had their own lives and never did much together. They celebrated their golden wedding yesterday and are so happy!!! They said the 20 yrs in in the middle were exceptionally hard work but they were raising a family and that is not an easy task. My dad did have a breakdown at one point when I was was about 10 which I wasn't aware of then - pressures of raising a family, working in a very high powered job and basically coming home to fighting kids after a busy day at work. Twice they almost spilt up but they worked at it and once me and my brother left home they grew back together. I don;t actually know many homes where it is all sweetness and light. Relationships need to be worked at and my parents showed me this because of their relationship. My DH and I often argue - same pressures as my parents but even more so at the moment because of lockdown- walking away and throwing in the towel would be easy. We don't often get time together without the kids but when it does happen we have such a laugh and our spark comes back- some people say you can't live for 20 years without that spark - but that light you first shared now has to be shared around between 4 or 5 of you so the light that my husband and I shared at the beginning when was only the two of us is now dimmed but when the children leave home they will leave their light for us to get back and enjoy the spark again. A weird analogy but it works for us. You need to work hard to keep the light lit but it will never be as strong when you have others to share it with. Hope that makes sense.

Don’t wait until the younger one has gone to university. It will be obvious to the kids that you stayed for their sake and they’ll feel guilty. Please don’t martyr yourself, it could make them feel uncomfortable in years to come.

My parents didn’t seem happy with each other for a few years when I was a teenager , nothing bad just no spark but they stayed “together for the kids” and we had an amazing childhood. When we started leaving home they grew closer again and were so happy. My mum misses my dad terribly since he died, they were married for nearly 50 years my mum says she was so pleased they stuck it out during a few tough years. My dad was lovely though, not some abusive idiot and was really involved in family life. Even though men didn’t tend to be so involved back then.

Another vote for not staying for the kids. My parents did this and I had a pretty miserable childhood which has definitely impacted me as an adult. The kids will adapt and you'll get used to not having them 100% of the time. You may even find you enjoy it and it will give you time to do things for you, meet friends etc

Just to say, I'm in the same boat.
I'm currently with my DH because the children are too little to be without me for long periods.
DH is a nice Dad, but not a responsible Dad. For this reason, I feel I have to stay to protect them and take care of them. I have more control if we're all under the same roof.
He takes the batteries out of fire alarms if they're beeping, doesn't notice when the DCs are ill, can't spot a hazard in the home, but can be a good playmate for them- they love him. DH would expect 50/50 childcare and I would crumble at this.
I will have to leave him eventually for everyone's sake and I have a few ideas in mind, not sure if they will help you:
-We are still a family so until they're older we will holiday together as a family- DH wants this too. This means I don't have to worry about being away from them for long periods.

• We are planning to buy a house that is close by for one of us to live in- preferably in the same street so that we can drop by if needed.
• No long weekends away from the DCs. He prefers the idea of seeing them every weekend so he will have them staying over just 1 night and have them all day on a Sunday. He will also have them for dinner twice during the week.
• We have agreed (so far!) thag if new partners come along, they will need to accept our family 'unit' in terms of holidays together until the children are older.

In terms of the here and now- can you tell him you are struggling with the marriage and that you are going to sleep separately for while- no sex either? You need time and space to make some decisions with regards to the sexual assault.
X

OP as there is abuse (the nighttime fingering ) and emotional neglect I would agree with others that you should end it. In my case there was neither abuse nor neglect, we showed the DC that we respected each other right to the end.

I totally get that you can’t bear to think of not being with your DC all the time, I don’t see that as control freakery at all. But PP are right, it won’t be 50:50 and, in time, you will enjoy the break and the me time. The only thing I regret about not ending it sooner is that my life was just DC and work, I didn’t exist by the time I finally got rid of him. It took me three years from that point to even think about dating, buying new clothes, exercising, developing new friendships - I didn’t know how to do those things because just keeping the show on the road for the DC took all my energy. By sharing care for the DC you won’t be lost like I was.

Naughtymummy101

Do not do this to your children as well as you.

I would make a clean break and sooner rather than later for your own sake as well as your children's. Your home is broken already because of him and his actions and or lack of. Why continue to live in one?.

Whose sake are you really staying for here; your DHs really because he cannot be a responsible adult?. Its not for your sake really or your children's here and your ideas re holidaying together and buying a house close to each other are frankly ill thought out. It would also be confusing to your children to see all this too; you're either together or you're not.

If he really cannot be bothered with family life now, do you really think he is at all going to stick to seeing them on the weekends or even for dinner at his twice a week?. Fat chance given that he is not all that bothered about his family now. All this man seems to really care about is his own self; you and the kids are secondary.

Its not your job to keep this family together and doing so could well further destroy you emotionally (so your children further grow up seeing a constantly worried and otherwise preoccupied mother) and make you more resentful of him in the process. He is probably not a responsible adult for a whole host of reasons; namely that you do it all for him in the first place. Why tolerate this deliberate incompetence from him? He could well think that the housework and other mental load tasks are all your job because he thinks he is so important and above all that.

OP

I would urge you to also not stay with this man for the sake of your children. It teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie and they will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them as it places a heavy burden on them. It could also damage your own relationship with them going forward because they could call you daft for staying and could also accuse you of putting him before them. Children are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here. Their house too is not the sanctuary it should be for them.

He sexually assaulted you twice that you know of . What a horrible man. Why would you want to stay for the kids. What if your daughter came to you in years to come and told you someone done this to her . What would you say? What if a sister or friend told you this would you tell them to stay. Got me it's a no brainier I'd be gone after the first time. You and your kids deserve better he's vile