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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To those who "stayed for the kids"

118 replies

mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 08:13

How did that work out for you? Did you manage to work through everything in the end and be happy you stayed together?... or did you break up eventually anyway and wish you did it sooner? Asking for me 😂

OP posts:
HMSSophie · 12/05/2020 12:56

I stayed. For 19 years. Should have left but was scared to parent DTs alone with no mum or sister etc to help. At that time I was a major coward. Although it was not all bad for the DTs their childhood was massively impacted (they are you d adults now and it really shows). In retrospect I bitterly regret not leaving, am deeply ashamed that I lacked the courage to do the right thing and thereby have left my lovely DTs with probably life long issues. Ironically my ex and I now get on better than ever, apart. I would 100% leave if I could have my time again. The effect on my DTs is the biggest regret of my life.

nolovelost · 12/05/2020 13:30

It's not something you can just brush under the carpet is it. My ex used to do this repeatedly after me asking him not to. Claimed he was asleep.

He did a very personal thing to you when he knew that you didn't like it, that's sexual abuse and he has no decency and respect for you.

Not seeing the kids every day was something we all got used to quite quickly. We live close by and my ex was always welcomed into my home for them to pop in, and they stayed with him on set days, it was important that we stuck to that too.

Do you take them to school, pick them up usually?

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 13:46

@nolovelost I almost wish it was repeatedly as awful as it sounds.. twice within 4 years seems like nothing (to him anyway). Makes it harder to use it as the reason to leave.

I do take them to nursery and pick them up as I work closer and my husband is oh so busy at work all the time 🙄 (we both have senior jobs but of course I am less important). I'm happy to do it though and think of it as his loss. I think if we do separate I would still collect them most days and he would get them from me so I would hopefully still see them most days

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 12/05/2020 13:53

I think if it was simply a case of you growing apart and the spark had gone but you could middle along as co-parents and housemates, then maybe you could make an argument in favour of staying together to avoid disrupting the family.

But this is a situation where he has sexually assaulted you twice - and I’m sorry to say; but twice that you know of.

It’s quite right that this should be an absolute deal breaker for you. I understand your concern about the kids but it’s not written in stone that you’d have to do 50:50. If he’s in a big senior job and you do all the running around now anyway, he’d probably settle for EOW.

But I think you need to put yourself out of harm’s way from this man, before he ‘forgets’ and does it again.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 13:54

@RUOKHon good advice thank you!

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 12/05/2020 14:02

This is sexual abuse OP.

This isn't something like him snoring or not putting his own coffee cup in the dishwasher.

This is something you can not get past and it's 200% a reason to leave.

nolovelost · 12/05/2020 14:19

You would be the main resident parent then, make sense for you to have them most of the week and him at the weekend, do either of you work at the weekend?

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 14:21

No we both work the same

OP posts:
Lifeisconfusing · 12/05/2020 14:25

If you watch evil lives here on sky you will see that these are signs!!!

DameFanny · 12/05/2020 14:33

Please leave him - you're in a broken home right now, better to build a solid one with your children.

And please please when you leave, don't bend over backwards to enable him to claim he's got the kids 50-50. So let him know on 'his' days he'd have to do pick ups, pay any childcare etc. You should find you get more nights with them that way.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 14:36

@Lifeisconfusing I have put it on now.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 14:37

@DameFanny good points thanks

OP posts:
Lifeisconfusing · 12/05/2020 14:41

If you watch ones that are married couples.

12345kbm · 12/05/2020 17:36

OP I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm afraid that what he did was sexual assault. He's abusive., I have no doubt that if I asked a few questions, there'd be a whole history there.

I know how shocking it is to realise that you are being abused, that it isn't a mistake, he's not sleeping and he doesn't have a sleep disorder.

Please don't stay in an abusive relationship for the 'sake of the children' as you'll damage your mental health. I have never heard a child raised in an abusive home say that they're glad their parents stayed together.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 18:45

@12345kbm I honestly don't think there is a history and I don't think I'm being regularly abused. It's been those two occasions only (that I know of). He isn't controlling or manipulative or anything that would usually go along with abuse. Unless I'm an absolute idiot. I'm a very strong personality though so not as easy.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 12/05/2020 18:49

Er, you just literally wrote above, in a passive aggressive way that he does not take your work seriously, he forces you to do more childcare and you just have to suck it up.

My arse the two sexual assaults are totally out of character.

TorkTorkBam · 12/05/2020 18:51

Children and almost 3 and almost 5 😥 I love them so much and miss them even when I am at work. I just can't imagine not tucking them in every night

I rather suspect they are your only source of love. Being in a crap marriage is very lonely.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 18:51

I thinks it's more a case of he doesn't give a shit about me rather than abuse/control

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 18:52

@TorkTorkBam you are spot on. They are my first real experience of unconditional love, they have changed me so much for the better and opened my eyes

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 12/05/2020 18:52

How can a marriage work out if one person does not give a shit about the other?

TorkTorkBam · 12/05/2020 18:54

You will get over them spending the odd night with their dad. You will even look forward to their weekends with him while you shag the nuts off your new hot boyfriend or just hang out with people you like happy as larry. Using that as an excuse to stay with him is exactly that, an excuse.

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 19:04

How can a marriage work out if one person does not give a shit about the other?

It isn't 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've had 15 years of regularly forgotten birthdays. Nothing for Mother's Day. Went out the night after I had my gall bladder taken out. Over the years he has been really thoughtless and selfish and just generally doesn't show that he cares at all. I'm convenient and I think that's it

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 12/05/2020 19:21

Why do you want to have another 15 years married to him then?

Original poster
mummy1428 · 12/05/2020 19:27

@TorkTorkBam so o don't have to be apart from my kids 😥

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 12/05/2020 19:28

No, that's a lie you tell yourself.

How much solo childcare does he do now?

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