To those who "stayed for the kids"

[mummy1428]

How did that work out for you? Did you manage to work through everything in the end and be happy you stayed together?... or did you break up eventually anyway and wish you did it sooner? Asking for me 😂

@mummy1428 I'm sorry but a normal person doesn't sexually assault anyone once never mind twice. If you've a daughter would you be happy if she stayed with a man like that. I somehow doubt it. You and your kids deserve better

@Chocolate123 thank you that's the kind of thing I need to hear!! Appreciate it

Assaulting anyone is not normal @mummy1428.

I’ve never had a man do anything to me that I have not wanted.

@Coffeeandbeans he has his excuses. First time he apparently thought I was awake and enjoying it 🤔 second time he was "trying to wake me up". I don't believe him on either but imagine if he is telling the truth and I ended our family over it

OP you also say that he has form for groping you and generally being a sex pest. So I do wonder whether you’ve normalised a lot of his behaviour and simply don’t see it as coercive and abusive. But it is.

@RUOKHon correct but he also stopped doing that and hasn't for about a year..: so does that mean change is possible? Just playing devils advocate I do agree with you 😂

There are two separate questions.

Can he change? I guess it’s possible.

But even if that’s the case, can you ever trust him again? Can you ever feel the same about him again?

Because if the answer’s ‘no’, then it’s irrelevant whether he’s changed or not.

He has not changed, he merely wants you to believe that he has done so. Do not play devils advocate here. You stated but only two days ago that you felt like you were just waiting for him to do it again.

Would you want your daughter to be married to such a person, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He has sexually assaulted you on more than one occasion and he will indeed do so again in future. He does this too because he can and he feels absolutely entitled to do this to you.

@mummy1428 but even if those excuses were true, he’d still be in the wrong? You have told him you don’t want to do that particular thing because of your past experiences, so “trying to wake you up with it” is still a horrendous thing to do and a violation of your trust. He put his fingers inside you without your consent, there’s no excuse in the world that makes that ok.

Honestly can't thank you all enough for your comments. You are all so right and you are giving me the strength I need to do this!! Now I just need to do it 😬😬 great timing eh!!

Trying to wake you up? Yeah, OK, stick a carrot up his arse to wake him up tomorrow morning.

@TorkTorkBam haha exactly! I did say a better way to wake me up would have just been to say my name! He had no explanation, just that he was being an idiot. Clearly thinks I'm one also!

OP I think you should leave. It will be hard to hand your kids over. But they will grow, and your job as a mum is to create independent people who are completely separate from you. It is very tough to increase the distance between ourselves and our children. As my girls grew, plenty of their peers had mums who wanted to be best mates with their daughters. It can lead to resentment, or even worse maybe, young women with limited confidence in their own abilities. So you're gonna have to go through the pain of easing away from them....I have not found this easy as I am SUPER over protective so I totally sympathise. Your husband sounds crap so hopefully will be happy with low access. Your girls need a happy mum. Hugs.

I’m a bit stuck. Things go up and down with me and my DH. Over the years he’s behaved towards me in horrible and controlling ways I know I’ll never ever be able to forgive and forget. It’s not consistent but every so often the bulldozing bully comes out in him. In fact during the last time that things were bad, it dawned on me just how many episodes in the last 25 years he’s showed the same behaviour. The kids will be grown up by the time I have a realistic chance to leave.

I know if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d be off like a shot but until that happens I know that I am completely stuck so I stay with it. Like I say it’s not all the time and I hope things might Improve.

At the moment I think we are getting on better than ever. But I know that’s because I’m stuck at home with nothing to do, I’m not able to go out out and I’m not seeing my friends (all of who he hates)

No easy solution OP but your situation sounds horrible.

What you're describing there Voodoo is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Its no life for you or for your kids to be witness to for that matter. You're married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those fully and set yourself and your kids free from you being abused and they seeing the after effects of it.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You are showing them that currently at least, his ongoing ill treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level and also teaching them that a happy relationship and or marriage is not their birthright.

And how many times have you already told yourself this lie as in your comment, "Like I say it’s not all the time and I hope things might Improve". That is what all abused people say to themselves.

Lockdown not such a good time to separate and will just cause a lot more stress than there needs to be. You need to think this through properly and all the ramifications for you and the kids as well as unpick how you feel about what he did. I really think a therapist could help you sort out how you feels so if you do separate it comes from a solid place of strength and assuredness rather than hmmmm maybe. You may end up with 50:50. He will likely end up with a. We partner and you will have zero control over how they treat/manage your kids. Where they go to school has to be agreed. Money is often a never ending battle. With kids that young I'd think long and hard before I chucked it all in during especially during lockdown.

My parents did, they both ended up lonely and miserable.

I want to leave my partner. Not sure I can now financially with the current situation. He's a man child. I can see he is trying at the moment but nothing will ever bring back the love after years of being taken for of being taken for granted, financial stupidity leading to huge debts and no intimacy.

I've got one life, he's had 15 years of mine, I don't want to give him any more.

Pressed send, so does being with him make your heart clench in fear?
It only takes one act of sexual abuse, he risked everything to do that to you, it's not your reaction he needs to focus on (you are not overreacting ) but what did.