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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you sleep with two different people in the same day?

601 replies

ElderflowerPotion · 10/05/2020 12:53

I don’t mean a threesome.

Purely hypothetical at the moment, but I’m curious to know what people would do.

I only have every other weekend free due to childcare. I have a casual partner, and I’ve been speaking to someone for the past 6 weeks I really want to meet.

When lockdown is lifted (yes, I don’t it’s going to be any time soon hence hypothetical), I would probably see on of them Friday Night and the other Sat night. If I stay over (which I do with my casual), there would be morning sex.

So that’s my question really - would you have morning sex with one person and then have sex with someone else in the evening? I can’t decide if I think it’s fine or a bit weird.

OP posts:
MarieQueenofScots · 11/05/2020 08:18

Do people really have to ask prospective partners now if they've shagged anyone else that day?

No. Because I’m an adult and able to recognise that “we’re not exclusive” gives the option for my partners to have fucked someone else before, the week before, the day before, the hour before.

Deviantslagheap · 11/05/2020 08:48

But sex is more than a quick fuck with no strings attached

Balls.

HappydaysArehere · 11/05/2020 09:00

It makes me feel itchy! So going from one encounter to meeting someone for the first time only and then doing it again.

ElderflowerPotion · 11/05/2020 09:02

@SummerAgain

Wow. Your faux concern is touching but I am doing wonderfully. My self esteem is great with absolutely thankfully I’m not in any way ‘damaged’. This might sound absolutely absurd to you - but I just enjoy sex.
I wouldn’t tell my family or colleagues about a vanilla sex life with a long term partner - do you talk to yours about your sex life?
But friends - of course I would. They are my friends, I’m happy to talk to them and I’m not ashamed about the topic.

But really, if we get ‘below the surface’, perhaps we can both acknowledge that your post is all about your attitudes and opinions towards sex, and judgements of people who have more than one partner (or actually, is it just a casual partner in general that’s the problem?).

Me - I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. I’m comfortable with my sexuality, my body, my freedom and life in general. Smile

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/05/2020 09:09

There's a psychological aspect to it that isn't always felt or recognised, and it would concern me, what's going on beneath the surface for you, that you would do this to yourself

I always think this when people get married...

WombatChocolate · 11/05/2020 10:01

It's great if you feel happy with having sex with several people. The Q is, is the other person happy with the fact you're doing that, or some other pertinent point, such as the fact the person they are about to have sex with is married, or has an STI or whatever....

It isn't just about you, because sex is a 2 person act and there is another person involved. No-one seem so on think it's okay to withhold key info such as having an STI, the knowledge of which might alter the way the other person behaves or if they chose to have sex with you at all, so why is it okay to withhold other info that might alter their behaviour or if they have sex with you at all. And no, I don't think the onus is purely on them to ask.....there are all kinds of scenarios which someone might not be happy with and which could hurt them and they cannot possibly list all of them, the the person who has the STI or who has had sex with someone else that day already, or who is married to someone else knows...so the onus is on them to say and allow someone to choose in receipt of pertinent info. It may well be that they don't care and continue...or it might mean they don't. Shouldn't they have that choice?

How many people have been hurt by someone having an STI and not telling them? No-one thinks it's okay. How many have been hurt by getting involved with someone who was married when they had no idea they were married as that info was withheld, or by someone they thought was the start of a genuine relationship, but then wasn't? Lack of communication has caused hurt and the people saying they have no responsibility to communicate anything at all to a stranger, have caused that hurt.

I think at the point where you have sex, the onus is on you to recognise the scope for great pleasure but also hurt too and that by having sex you have to take some responsibility for that person. It might be very brief and limited if it's literally a one night stand. It might be using a condom or saying something about an STI, but it should equally be about something like being married or only interested in a one night stand or something casual. It doesn't have to be a deep revealing of the soul to an almost stranger, but an acknowledgement that they are a human and that in order to engage in sexual activity, people need to know it's safe for them physically and emotionally.

I think if you deny other people that info, you essentially say they can deny you that vital info too - and that in itself does suggest a low value placed upon yourself. I would be really disappointed and probably hurt if someone I met wanted to have sex with me and didn't tell me they had an STI, because they thought I wasn't owed that info and it was up to me to ask. I'd equally be upset if they were married and didn't want to tel me that info upfront, or that they wanted it to be extremely casual - I wouldn't need to know they had sex with someone else earlier in the day, simply that they saw what was happening with us in the context of no commitment or future plans at all. Then I could decide if I was happy with that.

I expect that basic level of communication from a fellow human I plan to have sex with, even if I will never see them again or even tell them my name. It's because I value myself and think I'm entitled to that so I can protect myself. And therefore, I think they are entitled to that info too and for me to be forthcoming like an adult about anything vital which might alter their choice. And I'd have to accept that in receipt of that info they might not want to continue to have sex with me....but that has to be their choice based on info, not mine to withhold.

So ultimately, I think refusal to be willing to acknowledge the other person as someone with feelings and some basic rights to information, isn't about having sexual liberation and freedom and enjoying no strings sex and being freed from puritanical patriarchal views, it's about men or women who do it, not having any respect for the other person and also showing a lack of respect for themselves....becaue they cannot expect others to provide them with that basic info either, if they don't feel any sense of an onus to provide it to others.

It's not about not having sex with lots of people. It's about the communication of basic information about yourself that allows people to make informed choices.

wishfuldreamer · 11/05/2020 10:07

have i missed something? Has the OP said she wouldn't tell Chatting to Date man that she has a FWB?

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 11/05/2020 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wishfuldreamer · 11/05/2020 10:11

Although, that said - how many people get tested regularly, even when they're using protection? Most people I know only do it when they decide to stop using barrier protection with a partner on becoming exclusive. the only people i know who get tested regularly (apart from those who work in the sex industry) are people in non-monogamous relationships. and then it's very common to discuss who else you're sleeping with, what protection you use, and how recently you were tested, before you have sex...

My point is, whether she sleeps with two people on the same day, or same week, or same month...how open are other people about how many other folks their sleeping with, until they have have the 'exclusivity' chat? don't single people just assume people are potentially sleeping with other people, and use protection and have safe sex?!

ElevenSmiles · 11/05/2020 10:21

Will you encourage your son when he's sixteen to have fun. Get out there and shag whoever he wants.

Dieu · 11/05/2020 10:24

I personally wouldn't, as I think it's a bit disgusting.
Sorry!

ElderflowerPotion · 11/05/2020 10:27

What is this obsession about hurting people and spreading STDs? They are grown men and perfectly capable of sharing their feelings with me about things. But for now, they know it’s non-exclusive. I don’t feel the need to know who else they are sleeping with as it’s as safe (as feasibly possible) with me.

OP posts:
ElderflowerPotion · 11/05/2020 10:30

@ElevenSmiles - I would be teaching my son to safe, responsible and honest if it’s not looking for anything serious. If he has more than one partner when he’s an adult, that would be his decision.

I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging him at the age of 16 to settle into a serious, monogamous relationship, but if he decides that’s what he wants to do, that’s up to him.

OP posts:
oohnicevase · 11/05/2020 10:31

Does the other one know? Because you could be spreading Covid to the other? Seems a but unnecessary to have sec with both tbh !

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 11/05/2020 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarieQueenofScots · 11/05/2020 10:33

Will you encourage your son when he's sixteen to have fun. Get out there and shag whoever he wants

I don't know about the OP, but my teen daughter knows how to be safe, all about consent, about finding what she's comfortable with. I've also told her that sex doesn't have to be with someone you love, you can have it for fun too. I think the message "wait until you really love someone" can be damaging.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 11/05/2020 10:36

Some people really would be happier living in the 1950s

Quite. Some of the comments on this thread have been quite eye opening. So much pearl clutching.

WombatChocolate · 11/05/2020 10:36

The STIs is an example of information people feel ought to be shared and get furious about if it's not, whereas, being clear that there are other sexual partners often isn't something people want to share. In my mind, a sexual partner has the right to expect to be told both.

Op, great that it's clear that there is no exclusivity nd you have other sexual partners, for both of these men. I guess my point wasn't really to you but to others on the thread who don't see any need to communicate any information to their sexual partners or expect any information from them either.

In your situation, if everyone involved is in full receipt of the pertinent info, you are all adults, entering into something with full info and your eyes wide open. It could work out well for you all and be fun. It might just be one-off with new guy or continue and as long as both of you continue to be happy with the fact there are other sexual partners it will be fine. What often happens is that if things continue,msome where along the line, one person wants a bit more from the other and is t so happy with multiple partners in the picture, and that's again where the scope for hurt appears.....but if you are honest and open in communicating, that's all you can do.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/05/2020 10:37

As long as they both know you are see other people, then I think its fine and totally your choice.
But you do need to explicitly tell them and not, assume they know.
This would be for the casual partner as well as the new person.

Raaaa · 11/05/2020 10:40

I've said my bit and going to unwatch the thread.
Consenting adults can do what the hell they want in my view, as long as they're happy, safe etc Smile
The 1950s comments, meh, some people don't have casual sex I don't think there's anything wrong with that either, doesn't mean they're a prude.
Good luck if that's the right term Grin

MarieQueenofScots · 11/05/2020 10:47

The 1950s comments, meh, some people don't have casual sex I don't think there's anything wrong with that either, doesn't mean they're a prude

I don't think any of the 1950s comments have been meant to imply people who choose not to have casual sex are wrong. More some of the attitudes towards people who do so.

I don't care whether someone sleeps with one person or fifty. I do think people are misguided when they use number of sexual partners as a barometer of their own superiority.

olympicsrock · 11/05/2020 10:49

Yuck - bit sordid

12345ct · 11/05/2020 10:54

Not my cup of tea and I can't imagine a bloke being too happy double dipping his soldier in an already runny egg.
At least have a good shower in between.

😂 Harsh as hell but 100% true! 😂

Electromagneticpulse · 11/05/2020 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ElderflowerPotion · 11/05/2020 10:59

Blimey, maybe you two PPs should try using condoms. Might make the sex experience a bit cleaner for you Wink

OP posts: