But we took you to Stately Homes - May 2020 onwards thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's May 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Yes I intend to! Then you get the inevitable guilt as they are now both in their 80s and my dad is run ragged doing everything because her mobility isn't good.

Two things struck a chord with me reading back :

I remember after I left home and if fellow students were struggling with course work, or boys, or friendships, or anything, they'd phone their mum to blow off some steam or ask for advice and listening to them speaking to their mum like it was an adult on the other end of the phone I literally couldn't get my head around.

I so get that. I also remember having to pretend all was fine when I did speak to her, even though it wasn't, because I just didn't want to get into the details with my friends , because I felt they couldn't possibly ever understand because their mothers were always the first person they turned to with any worry or problem because they were so supportive.

Itis excruciating in terms of pain, but the sooner we forgive ourselves for giving up on the notion that we will ever have a healthy relationship with that person/persons the better. We can then start to heal.

As I have got older I realise more and more how abusive my mum was and I do feel a little sad, as if I'm mourning the relationship we could have had over all those wasted years. But I just resolve to not repeat her mistakes and I do believe she never got help with her MH and that would have made such a difference!

A belated hello and welcome bringbacksideburns:) sorry we mistakenly missed your previous post on here!
Shame she couldn't actually apologise to him though
maybe she will, although as Fanthorpe says it seems more likely that she has made this concession in order to extract something in return from you...

bringbacksideburns

bringbacksideburns

re your comment:-

"As I have got older I realise more and more how abusive my mum was and I do feel a little sad, as if I'm mourning the relationship we could have had over all those wasted years. But I just resolve to not repeat her mistakes and I do believe she never got help with her MH and that would have made such a difference!"

Your mother is still abusive towards both you and your dad very much so. Part of the healing process is to abandon all hope of people like your mother changing or otherwise becoming a better person along with grieving for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Full credit to you for not wanting to repeat her mistakes. You must never forget either that you can make choices and you are your own person; not an extension of her. You also likely have two qualities that your mother lacks; empathy and insight.

It may well be that she has some sort of personality disorder along the lines of narcissistic personality disorder, have you ever considered that?. She probably assumes her own mental health is fine and feels she has done nothing wrong here with regards to either you or your dad. Also narcissists if she is such do rubbish in therapy anyway mainly because they think there is nothing wrong with them.

What are your boundaries like with regards to your parents here?
Be careful in all dealings with your mother going forward; she did not apologise to her H for ruining his day but to you instead. I think she is trying to get you on her side and buttering you up before devising some punishment against you.

I know you say your dad is really lovely and compared to your mother he is, BUT do not forget he has failed you as a parent too by being and choosing to be her willing enabler. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. He should therefore not be let entirely off the hook here; he has stayed with his wife here too for his own reasons. He has not and will not change either.

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It's sooo nice knowing people just understand such a simple comment and what it means. The flowers were given away, not before my house was covered in glitter 🙄. I've been having a lovely time with my DC

@Clutterfreeintraining

RockyIV - that sounds so tedious. I find gifts with strings so confusing - especially if they're for a dc. Did you mother set up the trust recently?

It was two Christmases (is that even a word?)

Writing these little reminders down are good - they help when I feel the guilt if I don't contact her and imagine her as a little old lady, sad and neglected all on her own but then I try and remind myself why I don't want to contact her.

This thread is such a support

@Fanthorpe

rocky do you see her often? She sounds very manipulative.

Ugh, I see her far too much for my liking but not enough for her liking.

We are currently in wk3 of not having spoken apart from a bland text and passive aggressive Facebook comment on my DMs part. She will be fuming that I have not been in touch as she sent the last text so it's my "turn" to make contact. I just really can't be arsed.

It's her birthday next weekend and I k or I'm gonna have to see her but euuuuuuuugggghhhh.

My therapist has set me a task of writing my DM an email but not necessarily sending it. She says I can sent it to her for review so I'm hoping she'll read it and see all the batshit stuff DM has done and be like "yeah you need to get that out of your life" rather than telling me to send the email and give her chance to respond.

@Fanthorpe

rocky do you see her often? She sounds very manipulative.

Ugh, I see her far too much for my liking but not enough for her liking.

We are currently in wk3 of not having spoken apart from a bland text and passive aggressive Facebook comment on my DMs part. She will be fuming that I have not been in touch as she sent the last text so it's my "turn" to make contact. I just really can't be arsed.

It's her birthday next weekend and I k or I'm gonna have to see her but euuuuuuuugggghhhh.

My therapist has set me a task of writing my DM an email but not necessarily sending it. She says I can sent it to her for review so I'm hoping she'll read it and see all the batshit stuff DM has done and be like "yeah you need to get that out of your life" rather than telling me to send the email and give her chance to respond.

I've dipped into these threads for years, just reading along. I've not lived with my mother since I was 12 (she left to live with my dad's best friend) and have been nc for 15 years. I don't feel like I have any unfinished business with her. Due to all of this my sister has gone nc with me, she's very much still in the FOG.

Until yesterday when I spoke to my younger brother who told me she has terminal ovarian cancer. She's got a few months left to live. I have to decide what to do. I've spoken to my wonderful dad and stepmum and they said they can't tell me what to do. But they're there to talk. My brother is really struggling, he lives hundreds of miles away and there's so little he can do. My sister told my dad 2 years ago that if I don't speak to my mother then she'll never talk to me again.

I'm at my wits end. My mum is dying and I can't find it in me to really care, but I can't stop crying either. I need to do what's best for me, but I don't know what that is. I don't have a huge amount of time to play with.

I'm sure some of you must have faced this. I didn't want to start my own thread as I'm sure my sister is reading.

Weegiemum - so sorry to hear you're in this situation. I'm afraid I don't have the answers - I'm still very much in the learning phase and don't feel qualified to offer you advice but I have often wondered what I would do if I was given similar news and I think I'd probably retreat into my own little bubble and hope it would all go away.

rockyIV that sounds like an interesting letter to write, was it hard to see it written down? Whatever it says it’s completely your decision what you do next. It’s up to no one but you because you know how you felt growing up.

Weegie that’s a horrible situation for all of you. At the moment you have a choice about what to do but how about if that choice wasn’t there - would you feel relief or despair?
It’s your sisters choice what she does, I wouldn’t let her blackmail you into doing something you don’t want to do, it sounds like she’s acting for herself not you. You can’t help her. It sounds incredibly hurtful though, no wonder you’re feeling so sad and confused.

I think, if I'd ever thought about it, that I hoped I'd not know until she was dead, or that she would die quickly so I wouldn't have to face this. As I said, I have no unfinished business. I've made my peace with the situation years ago, after a huge amount of therapy and some years of very debilitating mental illness.

Clearly the unfinished business is with my younger sister, who is deeply in FOG and hasn't ever faced what happened. She's only 2 years younger than me and I'd love us to have a relationship, but I'm not sure that's ever going to be possible.

What I need to do now is talk to someone (I emailed my counsellor this evening, we're going to spend an evening with my parents - that's my dad and stepmum!). And plan carefully what is going to be best for everyone. I feel responsible for my wee brother. He's got a much less complicated relationship with our mother and is going to find her passing very painful. He has never known what it's like to live with her as he was only 4 when she left.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to put it out there somewhere.

I think, if I'd ever thought about it, that I hoped I'd not know until she was dead, or that she would die quickly so I wouldn't have to face this. As I said, I have no unfinished business. I've made my peace with the situation years ago, after a huge amount of therapy and some years of very debilitating mental illness.

Clearly the unfinished business is with my younger sister, who is deeply in FOG and hasn't ever faced what happened. She's only 2 years younger than me and I'd love us to have a relationship, but I'm not sure that's ever going to be possible.

What I need to do now is talk to someone (I emailed my counsellor this evening, we're going to spend an evening with my parents - that's my dad and stepmum!). And plan carefully what is going to be best for everyone. I feel responsible for my wee brother. He's got a much less complicated relationship with our mother and is going to find her passing very painful. He has never known what it's like to live with her as he was only 4 when she left.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to put it out there somewhere.

I think, if I'd ever thought about it, that I hoped I'd not know until she was dead, or that she would die quickly so I wouldn't have to face this. As I said, I have no unfinished business. I've made my peace with the situation years ago, after a huge amount of therapy and some years of very debilitating mental illness.

Clearly the unfinished business is with my younger sister, who is deeply in FOG and hasn't ever faced what happened. She's only 2 years younger than me and I'd love us to have a relationship, but I'm not sure that's ever going to be possible.

What I need to do now is talk to someone (I emailed my counsellor this evening, we're going to spend an evening with my parents - that's my dad and stepmum!). And plan carefully what is going to be best for everyone. I feel responsible for my wee brother. He's got a much less complicated relationship with our mother and is going to find her passing very painful. He has never known what it's like to live with her as he was only 4 when she left.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to put it out there somewhere.

@bringbacksideburns

i also remember having to pretend all was fine when I did speak to her, even though it wasn't,

You’re a smarter cookie than me! I didn’t cotton onto this when living in a hellhole of a country with an abusive arse.. if I even hinted at being slightly less than tip top, she’d go total radio silence with me for weeks.

Course she’d TELL everyone how much she was helping me and how hard a time I was having and how she’d saved me...

All lies.

Worst thing is, people believed her. Not me.

We have to stay away from these people! They aren’t good enough

@weegiemum I cannot imagine how you’re feeling, but know that it’s important to acknowledge to yourself what you’re thinking and feeling and that everything is valid

Your grieving for what you never had, and struggling to care for what you did, as a direct result of her cruelty towards you.

Mourn my love, stay strong and be kind to yourself.
Keep talking here if you can, it’ll help I think

I’ve been on this page lots of times now and so much of what I’ve read resonates with me. I’m a first time poster but feel the need to be part of a support group for some help.

Firstly I will say that I feel very lucky, as my life could have turned out much worse. I have a wonderful husband and two well-balanced, happy children. Essentially I made a conscious effort not to give them the same childhood experiences as myself. I also have a good career - I love my job and what I do - and am fairly secure financially.

My childhood was a classic toxic environment: my mother being the toxic parent, my father the enabler and my younger sister (10 years between us) the golden child. Growing up, I recall being told I was stupid, ugly, a pig, careless, clumsy amongst other things. I left home in my 20s, as it was too difficult living at home: going out beyond my 11 pm curfew resulted in me waking up the neighbours, banging on the door as my parents refused to let me in the house. My parents never forgave me and, 30+ years on, still talk about it and say I don’t deserve anything from them as I didn’t help them pay their mortgage.

In the time I left home, I graduated and, to this day, my only memory from that day is my mum telling me that I was shit and my degree was shit too. There were years when she didn’t speak to me. My sister stayed at home and was very much financially dependent on them. Because I left home, I had to fend for myself. I had rent and bills to pay. I moved home temporarily but, again, it was too toxic and had to leave. My parents would drink a lot (still do) and I remember one night waking up to my mum telling my cousins (who were visiting from abroad) how awful I was. She regularly tried to tarnish my reputation and was (still is) resentful of the fact that her family abroad adore me and won’t hear a bad word said about me.

I knew my sister was the favoured one when, one day, my mother told me I was disgusting for vomiting outside her window onto the front of their house. When I told her it wasn’t me she said I was a liar as my sister wouldn’t do such a thing. My sister later admitted it was her. To this day, I don’t know if she ever told our mother the truth.

Even after getting married, the verbal and mental abuse continued, criticising me or accusing me of thinking I was better than her. I don’t and have never said that.
In the meantime, my sister had a string of boyfriends who weren’t great. One of them had MH issues and my mother allowed him to stay at their house. He even threatened to kill my sister. After a few months they told him he had to leave. My parents financially facilitated my sister’s business venture (which wasn’t successful), helped her to buy a brand new car and supported her financially. I once borrowed £200 from my parents and they didn’t let me forget it until I paid them back. Eventually my sister got an admin job at my mother’s workplace (she’d worked there for over 30:years). This made my mother incredibly proud of her, that she chose to follow in her footsteps. Unlike me, my sister dropped out of college, didn’t go to university. I can’t help feeling that because I went further than my mother in terms of education, career path etc, she resented me for it.

A few years ago, my sister entered into a relationship with a woman. This disgusted my mother and was a difficult time for my sister (although she only told me this a year later, not at the time). I backed her to the hilt, spoke to my mother about it and tried to persuade her to change her thinking. When I met my sister’s partner, I told my mother how lovely she was. She eventually came round and her first meeting with my sister’s partner was at my house. I was the only person who stood up to her.

A couple of of years ago, my parents moved back to their home country and things were good for a while. It was at this point that my sister became very distant with me. She stopped talking to me and contact was minimal. She effectively turned into my mother and I don’t think she liked the fact that things had started to get better between me and my parents. When my family and I visited my parents at their new home abroad last summer, they were horrendous: abusive towards me and my children. That’s where I drew the line. My mother could be awful to me but I refused to allow her to abuse my children. She said some awful things. She accused me of having a disgusting home - when I told her she was being disrespectful to me and my husband, she said my husband knew and she felt sorry for him having to live with me. She also hated the fact that her brothers and sisters welcomed me with open arms and accused me of not being a good daughter, choosing to spend time with her siblings rather than stay at her house. The truth was that we asked her to join us wherever she went but she refused. Her reasoning was that they had spoken to me and hadn’t called her directly to invite her. My father stands by her and accuses me of not being like my sister. I was hurt by his reaction and should have known better really. When I told him I’d got a promotion in my job, he just said “we’ve got our life and you’ve got yours. That’s the way it is!” No congratulations. Nothing. They both have said that I don’t deserve my husband, that he’s too good for me and have accused me of brainwashing my children against them. I haven’t. My children don’t like them and have seen (and said) how awful my mother is towards me.

At the end of last year, I tried to make amends with my sister and she told me that she no longer wanted to be in contact with me. When I asked her why, she said she didn’t need to give me a reason. I feel bereaved. I invested so much time and love towards her and was devastated.
I’m sorry this is such a long message. I’m just pouring it all out. I’m on a holiday from work and, for the first time in a while, I have the time and space to think. I can’t sleep. I think about my sister a lot but have resigned myself to the fact that we’ll never speak. My sister visited my parents for the Christmas holidays and threw them a big party for their golden wedding anniversary. They had a priest blessing their union and the whole family was present. I only found out through my cousins who attended. My parents said they only knew abou pt it a few days before but why did they choose not to tell me when I’d spoken to them three times over that period. It was unforgivable. I was totally devastated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know I’m not a bad person. But how they’ve treated me just gets to me. It has affected my confidence so much. I haven’t performed well in my promoted job last year as I was so affected by them and their toxicity. I have had some counselling which has been. A bit helpful but doesn’t change anything. We are still in touch but my mother tells me I have caused so much stress in her life.

I guess I’d just like some support or words of advice with regards to not letting them get to me as much as they do.

@LadyAnanas Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story - it can be very hard writing all these things down and admitting that things are wrong.

Your family dynamic is very similar to mine. Constant criticism, not believing me, no emotional or financial support, never proud, leaving me out of things, accusing me of caring more about my aunts and uncles etc etc. I also have a golden child sister who followed in my mother's footsteps and can do no wrong (even when she has).

We had some brief periods when we got on but in the end she was too damaged by my parents to be able to have adult relationships (she has no friends apart from her husband) and I cut contact with her. It was painful at first but I rationalised it by saying that I wouldn't choose a friend like her and it was too emotionally exhausting to be around her.

My father (enabler) died a few years ago and I went no contact after years of low contact with my mother last year.

In the end the only way I could stop my family getting to me was to cut ties. I had tried everything else (be nicer, do things to please them, see them less) and none of it worked.

I'm not saying this is the right answer for you but since cutting the final tie it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My mental health has improved and I am starting to care about myself much more.

I'm sure someone else will be along who can offer some better help, so please hang around, read the thread and unload as much as you need to. It really does help.

LadyAnanas

It is not your fault that they are like this and you did not make them that way. None of what happened to you was your fault and besides which you were but a child at the time too. They have merely made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills and they still try and poison your mind with crap now; all this from your mother about you causing her so much stress in your life is all lies. Its all rubbish too and she says that because its all part of her denial and narrative; a denial and narrative you are not at all allowed to disrupt or challenge. They will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

What you've described in your post is life as the scapegoat within a narcissistic family structure and none of what happened to you here was your fault; this is all on them. You've been abused by them since childhood and it still continues, the scapegoat really has no rights within such a structure. Your sister abused and used you too and has not altogether surprisingly became a carbon copy of mother. She remains the golden child; itself a role not without price either but she is unaware of that.

Your parents were likely treated the self same by their own parents; toxic crap like this can and does go down the generations. Its still no excuse for their abuses of you however. It is indeed to your credit that you have carved out a good life for yourself and your children and do not treat them in the ways you were treated. Your children are perceptive and know what their grandparents are like; narcissistic grandparents make out for being toxic as grandparents too. You also have two qualities that all your family of origin lack; empathy and insight and those are indeed precious.

You write now that you are still in touch with your mother; I would further lower all communications with her now to a point of zero. Withdraw completely from them; being in contact with them at all does you no good. She and your dad will never be the kind and loving parents you perhaps still want them to be and they will also never give you their approval (not that you need it anyway).

There is help out there for adult children of narcissists. If you are in the UK I would consider finding a BACP registered therapist to work with and one at that who is well versed in narcissistic family structures. You also need to find someone who has no familial bias despite the presence of mistreatment. Such people are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. I would keep posting here too (there are also plenty of people on here who have narcissistic parents) and have a read of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point (have a look at the book titles at the start of this thread). Another site I would also urge you to look at are the Out of the FOG website and the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers websites.

@LadyAnanas you have suffered enough, your kids and h have seen who your family are and they see through them.

Time to make peace with yourself and let them go. They are never going to be the parents you needed them to be. Your happiness bothers them, they resent you for it. You can’t allow this negativity to remain in your life.

They’ve made the choice to exclude you, so hold your head high, know that this was because they can’t bear to see you happy and would act to hurt you on all occasions and let go. Make the choice you need to make. Be happy with your h and kids, and leave your birth family behind.

Yes it’s hard, it hurts, but it’s the only thing you can do in this situation. Your parents and sister won’t change, they want to see you unhappy and miserable and will do whatever they can to make it happen for their own sadistic and sick ends.

Be only with people who love you.

Your therapist will be a great support in all this but ultimately you are the only one who can make the decisions you need to make to protect yourself and your h and kids from these awful people.

Keep talking, we’re here and many of us know what NC gives you.

Thank you yellowlemon. I’m literally crying right now, knowing there are others there who’ve been through the same situation as me. It’s interesting what you say about your sister. Reading about toixc families, as I have over the last few months, makes me realise that the golden child is very damaged by their position. I guess my sister cutting ties with me did me a favour. Nobody gains in this situation. I keep thinking I was strong enough to leave their home in my 20s and the fact that I didn’t fail In my life makes my mother angry. My sister and father are financially and emotionally dependent on her. I am so glad I escaped.

My sister has financial control of my parents’ finances. My mother chose to give her 60% of their will (“Because she’s done so much for me”) but then changed it to 50/25/25 split between my sister, me and my children. It’s almost as though she wants to punish me by giving me less. Like I don’t deserve it. I see anything I get from them as blood money. I’ve been their punchbag my whole life and there are no emotional ties to them. I could never treat my children in the way they’ve treated me.

My parents are getting old now. My father asked me to call him more often (because my sister calls every day) and he tells me he loves me. Part of me is angry towards him for allowing her to treat me like that. When I challenged him last year for his behaviour towards me, he stopped for a short while. But then continued to support and back her. His life is easier if he goes along with her. Because of my sister leaving me out for their anniversary, I fear they will die and she won’t tell me, just go ahead with the funeral. I‘d put nothing past her now.

Thank you for your support and helpful words. It’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one out there who’s been through this..

You can’t control what others choose to do, but you can choose to have them in your life - or not.

Let them all go. You’ll feel better for it.

And as for the will? Sod them! You don’t want or need it, tell them thanks but no thanks, you’ll give it all to the cats home anyway

Wills are often a stick to beat others with. They’ve always been like this, they’re not going to change

But you can change how you react

@MzHz thank you. I honestly wasn’t sure if anyone would read what I’d written. I just feel very weak right now and am struggling. As I’ve said, being on a holiday break has made me think so much more about them.

I know you’re right. They don’t want to hear about my life. I should have failed because I left home but it all worked out well: husband, house, job, children. When we got back from our holiday last year, having stayed with them for four weeks, my 9 year old DD cried and said that I’d become mean like my mother (the stress and anxiety of being with them and having to cope with their abuse just got to me). My DD said she wished we’d never gone to see them. It was then that I decided to get counselling. My children had my mother screaming at them for small things - my daughter was even scared to use the toilet as she’d blocked it once. I feel as though I’m throwing everything in and not making sense. It’s a relief juts to talk about it to people who understand and have been through it.
I can’t thank you enough.

@LadyAnanas I think the Golden Wedding celebration is the final straw. Even if it was a surprise to your parents your sister should have filled you in on what she was planning and asked you for input. It’s a clear signal and you have every right to feel cut off from your family, so time to withdraw gracefully. Protect yourself now.

You’ve endured so much abuse and emotional neglect. Would you be able to connect with other members of the family without encountering your parents or sister?

Do you feel ready to remove them from your life? It’s very hard, but the blessed relief of not having to endure the animosity must be appealing?

Oh god that last post is a hard read, I recognise that. It’s a coping mechanism, we take on some of the behaviours of the narcissist in order to earn their favour.

No more, protect your kids.

@AtillaTheMeerkat. Thank you for your advice. I know that going NC is the best thing but I think LC is what I can cope with right now.

I had about six months of counselling and just found that recounting all of this to the counsellor just made me feel worse about myself. I know their behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. I work with young people and also realise that their behaviour towards me was and is unacceptable. When I realised mine was a narcissistic family, it was then that I came across this thread and the stories resonated with me.

Recently my mother shouted at me on the phone telling me what a great parent she’d been to me and how ungrateful I was. She even dressed me in £50 dresses!. That’s when I thought of the stately homes thread and have been thinking about posting for a long time now but only just plucked up the courage to do it now.

@Fanthorpe. Thank you. Yes! When my daughter said that I knew I couldn’t go down the same route as my parents. I had to seek help and my husband agrees. In a way, he didn’t see it, as they’d behave impeccably towards him. They even accused me of taking him away from them when we were at their home. They would say things to each other in their language that he wouldn’t understand but he got to see what they were like and supported me in my decision not to see a therapist.

Thankfully I’m in touch with all my family members where my parents live. My mother has fallen in and out with most of them and she accuses them of being jealous of her and her wealth and success. She was the only one of her 8 siblings to have the opportunity to come to the UK in the 60s. They are a really fond of me and she hates that. I’m in touch with every one of her siblings and she accuses me of being disloyal to her. My sister has also fallen out with family members and tells my mother that the whole family is jealous of her and her home. I can’t their attitude as they act supeiruot and look down on my mother’s family for their (relatively) simple lives and homes. What they lack in money the more than make up for - and show - in their warmth and love.