"It's money, I earn it"

[GilbertMarkham]

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

so I can see why he would want to be able to spend the money he has left on what he wants without you telling critiquing that.

He was wondering how I was getting through money he was giving me for me, our DD, our home, food (supermarket and takeout and eat in) that couldn't go on a particular type of credit card etc. and while I was not being super careful, I was not being extravagant either (I don't really spend on myself either) ....... in the meantime, I'd put a little bet on that he has shit he's wasting money on that he doesn't need to - maybe not big things but nonetheless, I found that irritating/frustrating.

@GilbertMarkham sorry I must have misread, I thought you said he would.

To be honest though with him paying for everything else, if you went back to work full time, even 50% of childcare costs would be fair.

The rest of the points in my post still stand, the childcare one wasn't the main one

He subscribes to Amazon fire example but still.bought hard copies of the mags you can read in prime reading for free - he's only now bothering to look them up (asking me how to do it) because of lockdown. Why should I explain spending to someone who acts like that.

*Amazon prime,not fire

*explain my spending

Could your spending be looked at as excessive

It needs examination. I downloaded recent statements and started going through them. I don't think I spend excessively for the most part.

"He was wondering how I was getting through money he was giving me for me, our DD, our home, food (supermarket and takeout and eat in) that couldn't go on a particular type of credit card etc. and while I was not being super careful, I was not being extravagant either (I don't really spend on myself either) ....... in the meantime, I'd put a little bet on that he has shit he's wasting money on that he doesn't need to - maybe not big things but nonetheless, I found that irritating/frustrating"

Sorry I'm a wee bit confused with that, so he was giving you money to spend on you but then asking why you weren't putting it on a credit card?

I can see being annoyed at that but I would simply tell him that he can't have it both ways either he wants to discuss what spare money is spent on or he doesn't, rather than arguing about it.

Also, without sounding harsh OP, I feel a lot of your replies contradict, you say things like he says your money is your money, doesn't ask about it (as I quoted in the last reply) then when someone agrees with him you reply with saying actually he does ask about what you spend it on

I think kids can be expensive and moving into a new house can be expensive.

Currently you're paying for neither

Sorry forgot to add - well i sort of am paying because I'm currently providing childcare 21 hrs a day on weekdays (I'm including nights because DD can be a terrible sleeper and it's me who's getting up with her if she wakes not him) and 24 hrs a day on weekdays he's away in London. Then there's the housework and meals.

And while I'm providing those I'm not able to work and earn money.

So I am paying.

That is the basis of the idea that sahm work is not valueless, isn't it.

Sorry I'm a wee bit confused with that, so he was giving you money to spend on you but then asking why you weren't putting it on a credit card?

There's a lot in these posts. I'm very long winded too, apologies.

So the CC - he's got a type big CC he earns cashback on (not sure of exact details) .. he suggested I buy groceries using it.
That also means the money he gives me is not used on food for family, it's for clothes, toiletries, activities, non work travel.etc etc.

But many shops where I might buy food and drink (whether it's groceries or take out or cafe/restaurant etc. do not take it. So it doesn't quite work and I've had to relay that to.him if he's wondered how I managed to get through more money than he might expect.

Also, without sounding harsh OP, I feel a lot of your replies contradict, you say things like he says your money is your money, doesn't ask about it (as I quoted in the last reply) then when someone agrees with him you reply with saying actually he does ask about what you spend it on

I'm not sure which posts/statements you're referring to.

He considers any rent from my property mine (which is somewhat irrelevant since the rent has not done much more than cover costs and maintenance).

He considers any money i earn mine (but might occasionally ask.do I not have any left and how come if I ask for more "allowance").

He only really asks about how I have spent the money he gave me (and need more of he needs me to cover something with it).

*if i need more or he needs me to cover the cost of something with it.

Is that any clearer?

Northern Irish , he works in construction in London right ? Familiar territory to me ... very typical!

Northern Irish , he works in construction in London right ? Familiar territory to me ... very typical!

We are a weird little parochial patch of land.

Not that this sort of "you're looking after the children so your time and work is worth nothing and I'm in charge shit Durant happen with men everywhere".

*doesn't

The fact that he discussed your personal finances and relationship issues with his work colleagues would have me out the door. I wonder if the brat who called you “spoilt” has her own children- doubt it.

He said he wanted to get perspectives from people without attachment/prejudice like relatives might have. Don't know why he didn't ask friends.

I consider it inappropriate.

He said I discuss our relationship on forums etc. I said yep, anonymous forums, not the same.

The woman is married with kids by the way.

Still really not sure what you want from this thread op...

Your husband isnt going to start sharing bank statements and stuff with you. No matter how many people you convince that he "should" do such and such - he just isnt going to do that. You know that, surely?

Is this thread just a place where you can talk about how unfair he is being? I'm trying to work out what else you could be asking for here?

@DishingOutDone

Sorry, just to say I (obviously) misunderstood part of your post - you were referring to your own relationship.

You're married so yes you have every right to have joint oversight of the finances. And the starting point, assuming you have been married a while is that everything is shared. If he doesn't accept that he shouldn't have got married.

All the pp telling you to work full time? Why this obsession. They are married. They have enough money to enable op to work part time which is just as well as she can't work full time as he is simply not there for nursery pick ups etc. And in any case, she has the reasonable desire to spend time with her dc.

Anyway, along with the physical abuse and the sexual incompatibility, this would be enough for me to leave.
You may be poorer but at least you will he in control.

Rvby

Perspective and advice.

(With a view towards making decisions about the marriage. I've already said I've looked into some of the financial aspects of separation and divorce. I'm not getting perspectives for amusement; I'm trying to make one of the most difficult and high impact decisions someone could make).

I'd have thought that was obvious.

I have had varying perspectives, and some excellent advice.

"We broke up for two years"

Why did you split up and why did you get back together?

It's also interesting to see that my anger and offense at him asking work colleagues for opinions is mirrored in quite a few posters.

Sometimes it's easy to think "is it me?" when someone is telling you there is nothing wrong with something and you're overreacting.

*You went back to work at your old place of employment because it was easier than getting a portfolio together for work closer to home. So you are not optimizing that income either.

You could have organized a car and reduced your daily work expenses - you haven't - so you're not optimizing your income there.

You could put your DD into more days - you don't want to - so your income is reduced there as well.

You could leave DD at 2-3 days, and optimize the rest, and be WAY better off. There are a lot of ways that you are giving up your power here! Is there a reason for that?*

To answer your other points - sorry I just kept getting more posts to answer last night and it got very late.

I've already answered your point that j 'fucked up a bit" in managing income from my property. Just to add to that that it initially took 6 fkg months to rent to a suitable tenant (I excluded young same sex singles because I thought there was a high chance they'd party and wreck the place) .. that spooked/unnerved me and is the reason i didn't up the rent over time when I got a stable couple in. I also thought the agent I was paying would suggest a raise if it was feasible .. over time I realised (from.various things that happened when the first couple gave notice and moved out) that I was presuming a popular agent in my town would be competent and proactive. I was naive because they were neither. They took their fee and filed their nails. It was my first experience renting out a property, which was why i.used an agent, and I learned from it that you have to stand over them and still manage your property and push things all the time. (Either that or perhaps there are much better agents, I certainly would never ever use them again). I answered your point about my nephew; and as I said helping someone came above profit for that period .. however my DH still want to maintain potential use of that property as a backup place to live while renovations are being find to this house .. and my nephew only wanted to stay for a limited period do we thought it suited best. I didnt include this in my posts because they are already like novels and obviously you can't supply every single detail that affects decisions.

What I have learned from it is that even if I use an agent again, I'll have to be on their back like a fkg pony all the time to make sure they are doing their job and my property is being rented at (fluctuating) market rate.

Other points where you've said I failed to optimise my income .

I have no idea why you'd assume that by going back to my previous employer, id get paid less than with any other new employer. My employer and I agreed a rate rate that was fair for the town/region. I would not having been getting more with any other employer.
And in addition to not having to find time consuming portfolio to get work with another employer while trying to look after a toddler, my employer has the ability to be completely flexible .. which suited me perfectly given the time off regularly to look after my DD when she got one if the three million viruses she started picking up at nursery and couldn't be sent in, or when she had paediatrician directed time odf after hospital.admissions etc etc.
From my experience of other practices, those would have stated becoming a real issue v quickly. I didn't have the added stress of that with my employer.

Again, so many negative assumptions on your part about things a poster would not be giving detail on on here.

Car wise - my small wage was being eaten up by normal stuff plus I was getting my full small wage on a regular basis due to not getting paid for time off, and I didn't have the money to.l buy a car, even on monthly payment basis.

I asked DH and he said he couldn't afford it at that time either and also argued that buying and running a car, with all expenses considered, was in his view going to be as or more expensive than the taxis for the two or three days ,(though he would look into it after Christmas).Yakity yak obviously disagreed with this and I need to.check out who is correct in detail. I thought someone whose work is managing money might actually have a clue. Short story - I have not been in a position to buy a car and he wouldn't.

*not getting