"It's money, I earn it"

[GilbertMarkham]

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

(he wouldn't buy one).

@GilbertMarkham OP I am going to get flamed to pieces for this, but honestly and truly, I really don't understand what your issue is.

You are a sham and your DH pays for everything. That's a sistuin a lot of women find themselves in (myself included), and from what I can gather, DH gives you an allowance but also gives you a CC to pay for essentials. So he makes sure you have money for food / groceries etc but also have money for your own personal use (clothes, outings etc). And if you need more money, he just asks you what you need it for?

Forgive me if I'm wrong but money doesn't grow on trees, and did you say he earned £65k? That's a decent salary but it's not limitless. I honestly don't understand why there's an issue here. Is it because he asks you what you've spent your money on? I think that's fair. He is financially responsible for the family and presumably needs to know how the money is being spent, after all, if the money runs out then you'd assume it's his job to earn more? Is that correct?

What I'm trying to say is, he may be a bit of a PITA and you may not like it, but at the end of the day, his job is to go and earn money and your job is to stay home and care for your child. Both jobs are equally important, and outside of both your "jobs" you have admitted you share the parental responsibility pretty fairly. He hasn't said your job isn't important, and he doesn't leave you penniless every month. Is it that you want more of an allowance from him on a monthly basis? If so - can he afford that? It sounds like he's already shelling out a hell of a lot of money (including a mortgage on a house that you actually own and are technically legally responsible for), and doesn't seem to complain.

Genuinely I'm curious - what's the issue?

You could put your DD into more days - you don't want to - so your income is reduced there as well.

I think Middlesex girl answers that quite while.

Not every woman wants to stick her kid into.chikdcare every day, some are uncomfortable about it.

And what is the point of facilitating your dp to work "overseas" to get a high salary - (which involved night after night of dealing with a teething, crying baby on my own etc while he's happily watching sports and sleeping in s London hotel)- if you can't even get some benefit from it, like not working every hour.

Tbh rvby, it's really time consuming and irritating answering (defending yourself against) "points" and I've seen you do similar to other posters, and their angry/frustrated responses.

*quite well

I definitely meant sahm- you're not a sham!!!!!

Why couldn't the two of you cope without family support when your DD was four months?
I can't get past the fact he threw you about and has chested up to you!
This isn't a man I'd want to spend the rest of my life with or choose as the father of my child.
YANBU about the money either. Make future plans without him. Good luck.

@mrsmummy111

You've made plenty of good points.

If you rtft you'll see that I've answered your question more than once ... And some posters have echoed my feelings in their posts.

Why couldn't the two of you cope without family support when your DD was four months?

To expand its not accurate to say we couldn't cope, just that we thought having family support/family near hy would be a great help.

His job meant that he could either be based in England and go to NI every fortnight, which he was doing ... Or be based in NI and go to London (and occasionally outside it) every fortnight. My job was with an excellent company in some ways somewhere I felt extremely apprehensive about returning to it because the new director in the office had serious form for expecting deadline work til the early hours (and also had an attitude towards "irish" people ..
So all round we decided moving backnto NI might be the best decision.

Also our DD is and has always been a poor sleeper, the sleep deprivation puts strain on you and a relationship.

*but I felt extremely apprehensive ..

I definitely meant sahm- you're not a sham!!!!!

I thought (hoped) as much.

*"We broke up for two years"

Why did you split up and why did you get back together?*

That's really difficult to give a clear answer to. There was no "bang" more like a candle guttering.

From my side, I had seen behaviour from him towards alcohol (and while drunk) that really irritated me and caused me to lose respect. I thought it might not change.

It actually did, but I didn't know it would and at that point i erred on the side of pessimism.

When we got back.together two years or more later, I suppose i erred on the side of optimism, based on him completed his degree and been working steadily in demanding positions.

He barely drinks now.

(I should add that he didn't drink very regularly back then either, no more than an average twenty something) but often binge drinked when he did - and acted like.an idiot.

Ive always been a very moderate drinker and be and even more so when I saw my sister slipping down the slope into alcoholism.

I would be doing everything in my power OP to make myself financially independent again, not because of your DH’s pretty patrician attitude but because it’s never wise for a woman to be financially dependent on a man. Work on getting a job closer to home that pays better for the three days DD is in childcare. Think about freelance work/business sidelines/working evenings/weekends. And tell your DH that you’re not happy with his opinion, you never will be, so the two of you need a counsellor to referee the discussion and broker anew arrangement.

*became

@TigerDater

Thanks for your v sensible sounding post.

Getting work nearer where I'm living is Def a no brainer; I think opportunities will be very limited (and there are no practices that specialise in what I specialise in) but all I can do is try.

Just to add that another reason I returned to my previous employer was the project - a prestigious one I wanted on my CV. I would ideally like to be on it til it's built. Which will require continued travel to the office and onsite.

I personally don’t consider this a marriage. Being a team, a partnership, who shares everything that they enable the other to bring to the table, to me that’s the fundamental meaning of marriage and family. I couldn’t live with your arrangement or a DH with that attitude. It’s also why I personally would never not work and share childcare with my DH. Once you start down the slippery slope of your work being only part time so less important, it’s very hard to come back from.

Not read the full thread but bits I picked out was:
Dh is main earner, pays all the Bills including the mortgage on your house you rent out (but you keep the rent as that is your money) and all the childcare fees so you can go to work.
You keep all the money you earn plus the rent on your house and he gives you an allowance
Is that all correct or have I missed something or got something wrong?
Sounds like a pretty good set up to me. What more do you want? Just the acknowledgment that what he earns is family money and not just his? Well only if you consider all your money is also his as family money.

FWIW, my DH's money is his, mine money is mine. We have a joint account and pay 50:50 on all household bills, but whatever is left in our accounts is our own.

The more you right the more I pity your husband.
He may get question what your spending, but he still gives you money.
He told you there is no money for a car, so sounds like no savings.
He works away a lot you resent doing the childcare.
You never seem to want to give him credit for anything.

It depends how much overnight contact he has. If it's 1-2 nights a week, he'd have to pay £505/month.

Cab told me 415.93 for two nights. Not sure where the difference is coming from there.

You keep all the money you earn plus the rent on your house and he gives you an allowance
Is that all correct or have I missed something or got something wrong?

As I've written several times now;

He only pays the rent on my property if it is not rented,.which is the vast minority of the time. Most of the time he paid it, he wanted to keep it vacant so we could move in when work was being done to new house. I did not agree with this entirely but let him persuade me.

The mortgage is £230 on it.

I haven't really gotten any extra money or profit because it was enting cheaply and requires maintenance.

When I let me nephew rent it, at my mum's request, it actually made a loss because of major heating repairs that needed done and because he started skipping in rent and then stopped paying totally. I had to evict him as much as you can exit a relative.

Before you say why didn' t you just sell it if it was making much profit, it was to allow the value to rise and because things have not been good since our DD was born and I thought i might need to move into it.

He gives me an allowance, yes.

While not thinking I should have oversight, as a poster put it well, of the overall picture of our finances.

Like a kid, or employee.

The more you right the more I pity your husband.

You've asked a poster to answer questions that they've already answered several.tines if you could be arsed reading the thread .. do I feel sorry for anyone dealing with you.

You also fail to grasp the wider issues that other posters have instantly grasped.

If you don't feel like continuing to contribute, please do feel free to concentrate your wisdom on other threads - please.