"It's money, I earn it"

[GilbertMarkham]

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

When he was studying, I suppose you supported him financially?

No.

He got students loans and worked part-time from sandwich/second year onwards.

I didnt feel i should have to support him when I had a mortgage etc and was studying part-time myself (though at that time my employees helped with course fees).

He said in our discussion that he actually resented how he paid for all entertainment, eating in, eating out etc etc when he could've/should've been saving etc.

I was a bit flummoxed at that - I just thought "well it was your choice mate, you're not stupid" .. at the time I thought that I was having to pay for house etc. and he was using it every weekend and most holidays so if he offered to pay for social stuff it was a relatively fair balance.
Especially since i'd be more inclined to.buy and make good but he's by more inclined to getting take out.

*employers

*food

Often men who have women build them up are profoundly ungrateful once they do make money. They want to forget your role in it. They don’t like remembering they didn’t do it alone. Your discussion re money is touching on that all the time.

I suggested a career change to him, but he ran with it and did all the work,band financed it. We broke up for two years and it was during that time that he actually progressed from HND to part-time degree and got fully qualified, and really en route to climbing the ladder. I wasnt even involved with him when he did the two years of the degree (HND gets you into second year), graduated and was also taking on increasing responsibility in work.

I'm not arguing for the sake of arguing, just clearing up possible misconceptions.

I was a bit flummoxed at that - I just thought "well it was your choice mate, you're not stupid" .. at the time I thought that I was having to pay for house etc. and he was using it every weekend and most holidays so if he offered to pay for social stuff it was a relatively fair balance.

I guess on the other side (and I may have got these details wrong apologies if so) you had to 'pay for the house' but you own that house and said that you consider it to be 75% yours.

And now he pays the mortgage for that home when necessary as well as paying the mortgage of the home you you live in which you (rightly) consider the family home so 50% yours.

So he's currently paying for two homes and having 50% of one house and is considered to be entitled to 25% of the other. Currently you're paying for neither and are considered to be entitled to 50% of one and 75% of the other.

I'm genuinely not trying to be a dick, just seeing it from an outside perspective.

It's very revealing that he wants you to account for all the money you're spending, but he doesn't want to share information about his own spending...

I am unhappy, as I said, about not knowing the overall picture of finances and how he's divided off everything, kept it to.himsekf pretty much and gives me an allowance. I'm not an employee or child.

However in terms of asking me to explain where the "allowance" money's going - I suppose more accurately - expressing surprise or frustration at where it's going, I think.misf people would probably agree that he's given me generous amounts and wonder how I'm going through them.

I looked at it and I had an overdraft from maternity that just eats what I'm given, then there's all the ongoing costs of a young child's stuff, all the activities and taxis if I can't get public transport, all the food and drink being out and about at activities (trying to fill the day with a very active little one), toys, toiletries, non prescription meds etc. I admit I don't usually scrimp on what DD gets because o try to get organic etc. Then there's the fairly constant stream of stuff you need when moving into a new home, furnishing it, decorating it etc. At one point he gave me a clone (of his) credit card and told me to use it for groceries to take that out of my spending (it's expensive because he's a food snob who only likes M&S and usually won't eat leftovers) but lots of smaller shops don't take that type of card. Then there's all the gadding about when your family live an hour or so away, lunches out with them.etc. Then there's family presents etc.
When I started back at work and had travel costs til they were covered by the next month's salary, they added to it

It all mounts up and I think he was having trouble at times understanding how he was giving me generous amounts, sometimes topping up during months and I was getting through it.

paying the mortgage of the home you you live in which you (rightly) consider the family home so 50% yours.

There's no equity in the house and wont be for some time. Also I provided most of the the deposit.

Currently you're paying for neither and are considered to be entitled to 50% of one and 75% of the other.

Conversely 25% of a property he's paid the mortgage on for some months but I've paid for years.

(Including the deposit before we were even seeing each other).

So I'd get 50% of nothing, and may not get my deposit out; and he'd get 25% of something they I've paid the deposit on and pays the mortgage in for the majority of the time.

*paid

So you have separate finances... which is how some families choose to do it. I wouldn't, but he obviously does.

...which is generally ok until you have kids, and then compromises often have to be made. He hasn't acknowledged that you've compromised your earning potential for DC so that he's been able to continue unaffected. Although to some extent, it sounds like that may also have been your choice.

In your situation, I would lay it out to him very simply:

• I'm unhappy that I have no input into the financial arrangements in the family.
• You have stated that in order to have a say in the financial arrangements I need to go back to work FT. As such, I'll begin looking for a FT job. Once I receive a job offer, WE will need to discuss how WE* will be able to juggle childcare because it will no longer be my sole responsibility.
• You may find that this impacts on your work arrangements, but that's the trade off you're choosing by insisting I go back to work FT (which, yes, he is doing if he's saying that this is the only way you can have input into the family finances).

Incidentally he's paid the mortgage on my property on three occasions;

5/6 months when I moved out to join him in the ME - at his request - and it didn't rent, and I couldn't get work to cover it myself.
I did get a job offer there towards the end of the period but he did t want me to take it because his company had not organised my visa correctly through him (spousal) so I'd had to have been sponsored by my new employer and he was worried about the implications of that (is they can stop you leaving the country).

For a few months to be decorated for us to move in when we first moved back to NI, we then moved in and lived there. Of course he was in London for some overnights and also stated in hotels near his work in NI cause he didn't like the long commute every evening (but told me he stated at his dad's).

For some months after we bought our current house, because we knew it needed renovation and he thought it was best to keep it vacant so we could use it while the noisiest and dustiest of the work was being done.

The short period between my nephew being asked to leave and lockdown.

I find your attitude Is what is mine is mine, ie house and deposit, but your after the rest to be shared very selfish
He is taking home about £3750 a month.
Two mortgages about £1500.
Good and bills £1000.
Giving you about £500.
So he has about £750 for getting to work and his own things.
If your getting about £250 plus a month your better off than him.

*stayed

It's your house. Don't put up with being a second class citizen in a house you owned before you met him. His attitude is a disgrace. No way should anyone put up with this. It's no good with somebody like this. I would see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Two mortgages about £1500.

As i wrote in the post above, he has only covered the mortgage on my property for three periods to date. It is not the norm. The first, he invited me to join him in the ME and assured me he'd cover it if it didn't rent out - he was on a significantly higher salary there than here.

Second we were living in my house with our child!It was our home!!!
That extended after we moved out to this house (to shorten his commute) because he wanted the convenience of somewhere else to stay while renovation work was being done. I would've our up witha relatives house or my folks caravan near here, that wasnt enough for him.

Lastly after my nephew moved out a d before lockdown. Because i didn't get a rental agent around fast enough because I'm living in another town, working with an hour's commute and looking after a demanding toddler etc.

Also they're not £1500.

The mortgage on my two bed terrace is £230. Been paying it since I was 27.

That's the reason he's so cavalier about adding it to his costs.

It's your house. Don't put up with being a second class citizen in a house you owned before you met him.

Sorry but just to be clear; we are currently living in a house we bought a year or two ago, he pays the mortgage etc. My little house is vacant, I didn't get it rented out in time before lockdown. He was paying the mortgage until I applied for payment holiday.

The fact that he discussed your personal finances and relationship issues with his work colleagues would have me out the door. I wonder if the brat who called you “spoilt” has her own children- doubt it.

*So you have separate finances... which is how some families choose to do it. I wouldn't, but he obviously does.

...which is generally ok until you have kids, and then compromises often have to be made. He hasn't acknowledged that you've compromised your earning potential for DC so that he's been able to continue unaffected. Although to some extent, it sounds like that may also have been your choice.

In your situation, I would lay it out to him very simply:

• I'm unhappy that I have no input into the financial arrangements in the family.
• You have stated that in order to have a say in the financial arrangements I need to go back to work FT.
• As such, I'll begin looking for a FT job. Once I receive a job offer, WE will need to discuss how WE will be able to juggle childcare because it will no longer be my sole responsibility. You may find that this impacts on your work arrangements, but that's the trade off you're choosing by insisting I go back to work FT (which, yes, he is doing if he's saying that this is the only way you can have input into the family finances).

Thanks for your sensible, constructive post.

Thing is - I'm.not sure that he was really saying "if you work full-time, you'll be voluntarily given the overall picture of the finances Inc my incomings and out goings". I imagine he'd still feel he had the right to keep it, the latter to himself. It would just be "this is the contribution that is fair now you're working full-time and we have full-time childcare costs" etc. At the moment he asks for no contribution because he knows I'm lucky if I make 20 a day (until I get a car) and the work is about getting my CV current.

I think during that argument, he said something like "well you work full-time and pay for everything then!" which is patently unfair because even if I went full-time he knows I couldn't pay for everything. This house was bought on the basis of his salary. (Of course we thought my part-time salary might go in the pot too, though we always thought it would most likely be wiped out by childcare costs until DD is older).

On that subject, I remember him.once saying that my pay would be totally fine or more on childcare and when I respinded that I wasn't dad's only parent, so why would only my pay be offset against her cc costs, that I'd worked full-time until a month before birth and only not gone back after maternity because we relocated, why was I the automatic carer ... He looked taken back and like he was considering it as a new idea.

Haven't read all the replies but I have read all you updates OP.

My opinion is probably unpopular here but I actually don't think your husband is in the wrong.

"st to break it down, he pays everything on a house we bought (I contributed 6k of savings towards deposit) - mortgage, rates (NI), insurance, utilities, food, he runs a car, I currently don't have one, and all other clothing, toiletries, activities etc

He pays me a sum every month"

So you've said that he pays everything from all the bills to clothes/toiletries etc, he offered to buy you a car and gives you money every month for yourself. I don't think it's wrong for him to want the money that he has left to spend on himself.
You've also said that he is happy for you to back to working full time and he would cover childcare costs, you have chosen not to because you don't want to put your DD in to childcare full time. This is your choice, although most parents don't want to, they do it because they need/want to work and have that independence of working. You are making the choice not to work, therefore earning less is your choice.

"It is my money, he doesn't ask for it or see it as his"

You've also said that any money you have left from rent on your house (albeit not much) and money from your wages he doesn't ask for it or see it as his at all so he's not being financially abusive, it's not as if he's just saying his money is his but yours is both of yours, I don't think he's being unreasonable with that.

"He's more careless with money than I am (not to any irresponsible extent I should add) .. I'm very frugal and he doesn't want his spending examined and criticised."

In all fairness I can see why he wouldn't want you criticising his spending, he's made sure all bills are paid and given you money to spend as you wish aswell as bought clothes/toiletries etc so I can see why he would want to be able to spend the money he has left on what he wants without you telling critiquing that.

Me and my partner have separate bank accounts, never had a joint one, our bills are all paid every month and after that his money is his to spend on what he likes as is mine, neither of us ask eachother what they've spent or on what.

To be honest, you say you're uncomfortable not knowing what his remaining money goes on but you've also said that you don't think he has much to spare after all bills and you've said that you're not worried about him spending it on anything wrong ie drugs/gambling etc, so I'm not really sure why you would feel uncomfortable.

I may be wrong but when people are saying your husband sounds controlling, I would argue that actually you're trying to control what he spends his money on as you've already said you would probably criticise this. If this was the other way around and he was doing this to you people would call that abuse and controlling.

*totally gone

You've also said that he is happy for you to back to working full time and he would cover childcare costs, you have chosen not to because you don't want to put your DD in to childcare full time.

He's never said he would cover cc costs if I went back to work full-time. I don't know what his take would be - maybe some proportional contribution, I don't know.

Ok sorry for not reading properly. Forget about who pays what and about how long for. The bottom line is that you don't feel like you have enough say in the relationship as regards finances. Can you see any way out like him changing his ways and if not are you prepared to continue like this. But you do seem to be spending quite a lot of money on just day to day activities. Could your spending be looked at as excessive. If you really want to sort this out would counselling help.