Would it bother you if your partner can't 'finish'?

[inamechange]

If you have a male partner that is. And By finish, I mean ejaculate.

My husband very very rarely can. In fact I think he only has done it 2 or maybe 3 times in three years. Sex always finishes as he's either too tired or gone soft. It lasts maybe 10- 15 minutes before this point. We are both in our late 20s so it can't be due to age.

Taking out issues TTC (Which is obviously a worry) I wondered if others would care in this situation. Because I do care - I feel sort of inadequate that he never finishes as it's not difficult for the majority of men is it? I feel a man finishing is a signal he enjoyed it at least. But I have not had much sexual experience. I know logically I shouldn't blame myself and it is probably a medical issue, but he refuses to consider he may have an issue in this regard.

He says it shouldn't bother me and other women wouldn't care as long as they enjoy it. I can't ask my friends about this so I'm asking anonymously on the internet if it's normal for me to bothered by this?

The 10-15 mins would do it for me, never mind doesn't orgasm. Sexual compatibility is important to me and it's something that's a deal breaker early on.

How are you doing op?
Lots to think about.

This happened to us, DH struggled with ED whilst undergoing his cancer treatment and although I completely understood why it had happened, and never told him I was upset, it did upset me - mainly because he felt humiliated and embarrassed, and it was awful seeing him so upset. I think because we had always had a great sex life up to that point, it was shocking to us. I don't know how I would have felt if it had been like that with no contextual reason - I think it would be hurtful and I would feel inadequate.

@littlefawn Just curious as to whether it causes any physical issues for him, I was under the assumption that if men didn't ejaculate (not sure how often) they get 'blue balls'

I don't think this is correct but if they don't ejaculate for a while my experience is they get more horny and want sex more.

What I recognise is that if DH and I haven't had sex for a while, and we have more than a quickly there is significantly more cum that if we had sex 2-3 days before. Worth knowing if he wants to cum in my mouth as a lot more to swallow lol

It would be a problem if he didn't last long or if he was unsatisfied but if he stayed up well (for a reasonable length of time), and thoroughly enjoyed it all without ejaculating, it wouldn't bother me. If a couple wanted to conceive a child, that would be a different matter but if not, they can still have a wonderful time.

There’s a difference between going soft and just not being able to cum. If he’s going soft I think it may be nerves or other erectile issues. Just not being able to finish (but staying hard) is usually different. But as long as he’s happy and is honestly saying to you he enjoys sex, and wants to do it with you, then I personally would be supportive. Sex isn’t all about the destination for either partner, a lot of fun can be had along the way.

@littlefawn & @namechangedyorkshire

Yes if a man leaves it longer than usual between ejaculations the quantity - and his desire for sex - will increase. Eventually it becomes annoying - if I go for much longer than a week without (a rare event fortunately!) it leads to unwanted erections and even difficulty sleeping. A guy has to do what a guy has to do.

I'd be bothered.
Apart from drunk, tired, ill or whatever occasionally - my dh not ejaculating would put me off sex completely. I personally wouldn't get much out of orgasming if he didn't tbh.

DP often chooses not to and I found it really upsetting at first for reasons I struggle to articulate, but it's less of a problem now. He always makes sure I do, though.

@Anothernick the thing about depression is that you would often willingly trade sexual pleasure, or indeed many other things, for feeling better. There is only one antidepressant not known to cause sexual dysfunction (buproprion) and it is not licenced for the treatment of depression in the UK.

I dont think this is a gender thing at all. If I was into women and my girl couldnt get off, I'd feel the same. It's what someone else said... I need to see that animalistic enjoyment on my partner's face. Its something unique you can give to each other.

I think the death grip/ porn theory is overdone. I've known plenty of blokes with a very healthy respect for wanking who have no trouble coming inside a woman they love. Obviously some blokes (and women, not only men) have wanking styles that are not compatible with standard sex practices and where they'd take wanking over sex as a result. But I think they are in the minority, actually.

I've been with a fair few blokes. Only one couldnt get there. It destroyed me because I loved him more than any of the others... :(

He'd always been ambivalent about sex and told me recently that he'sld come inside a woman about 10 times in his life. He is 45. Most of those times were when he was in his late teens. 20 years of nothing and twice or 3 times with me. So his issues were present well before the advent of pornhub et. al.

He also has significant intimacy issues in general. The temptation is to describe all male sexual issues in terms of porn overuse etc. Not my experience. Most men i've gone to bed with want intimacy, closeness, love X

I would find it upsetting if he never came. I would think he didn't get turned on enough by me and did not feel close enough to share. During 20's and 30's I would want to feel very intimate. What will he do if you want to have children.

There is only one antidepressant not known to cause sexual dysfunction (buproprion) and it is not licenced for the treatment of depression in the UK.

Some anti-depressants cause ED in some people- as a PP said then that person can swap and try one of the many other ones and usually find one that suits them.

But OP's husband sounds as if his ED is due to psychological issues, though he could get a check up with his GP when that's feasible of course (not that he seems to want to address the problem despite OP's feelings.)

Welshmaenad Why does your DP choose not to?

Welshmaenad Why does your DP choose not to?

We are D/s and he's a very tightly controlled top. Often he's just happy to get me off. He just doesn't draw the same parallels between enjoying sex and having an orgasm. It took me a while to get my head around it to be honest, and I used to get upset, but we both have high sex drives and communicate very honestly and he gave me a lot of reassurance about it. Once I realised he was telling the truth about enjoying sex just as much without coming, I got over it.

Welshmaenad Wed 06-May-20 08:29:45
Welshmaenad Why does your DP choose not to?

We are D/s and he's a very tightly controlled top. Often he's just happy to get me off. He just doesn't draw the same parallels between enjoying sex and having an orgasm. It took me a while to get my head around it to be honest, and I used to get upset, but we both have high sex drives and communicate very honestly and he gave me a lot of reassurance about it. Once I realised he was telling the truth about enjoying sex just as much without coming, I got over it.
....
That sounds good to me, very tantric. If only more people realised how eminently enjoyable it can be to make sex more about the journey, the here and now, than an end result, there would be many more with smiles on their faces. However it's not much good if you just fancy a quicky before getting on to other things :-). Each to their own, everyone is different. Orgasm isn't a big deal to everyone, we have to realise that.

The op and her partner don't sound as though they have 'designed' their sexual practices that way though but all she can do is be gentle and see how it pans out. He could be going through a stressful phase and if he enjoys what they have - and she enjoys it - all good but obviously no use if they want a child in the future.

My partner doesn't very often orgasm from sex due to antidepressants, but the sex I have with him is the best ever for both of us, it absolutely doesn't matter

It would bother me in all honesty.