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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would it bother you if your partner can't 'finish'?

142 replies

inamechange · 03/05/2020 21:41

If you have a male partner that is. And By finish, I mean ejaculate.

My husband very very rarely can. In fact I think he only has done it 2 or maybe 3 times in three years. Sex always finishes as he's either too tired or gone soft. It lasts maybe 10- 15 minutes before this point. We are both in our late 20s so it can't be due to age.

Taking out issues TTC (Which is obviously a worry) I wondered if others would care in this situation. Because I do care - I feel sort of inadequate that he never finishes as it's not difficult for the majority of men is it? I feel a man finishing is a signal he enjoyed it at least. But I have not had much sexual experience. I know logically I shouldn't blame myself and it is probably a medical issue, but he refuses to consider he may have an issue in this regard.

He says it shouldn't bother me and other women wouldn't care as long as they enjoy it. I can't ask my friends about this so I'm asking anonymously on the internet if it's normal for me to bothered by this?

OP posts:
PrawnSacrifice · 03/05/2020 22:06

Man here who can't ejaculate due to anti-depressants. Can't remember the last time I had an orgasm.

It's very interesting to hear how so many of you feel it would bother you, or would be a deal breaker, or is associated with crap sex etc.

I'm in a predicament because my DW has a very hard time reaching orgasm, whether by her self, a partner, oral, vibrator etc - really happens and if it does, it's a 45 min marathon which is just boring and a chore - like some posters have mentioned earlier in the thread.

Her not being able to orgasm really put a damper on our sex life and yet I was always led to believe that orgasm was not the be all and end all, and that it's a journey and not a destination and all that other guff that I was reading and hearing, but just not buying into.

The replies on this thread have cemented my original beliefs that it is a problem, and I am okay to not be happy about it (on either of our parts) and that sex is pretty crap without it.

Assuming there's no double standards of course.

Lizzie523 · 03/05/2020 22:07

Been through this, still friends with the guy but will never go down the romantic route again. It's one thing for it to happen every so often but all the time is a problem.

LittleBoyJuly2020 · 03/05/2020 22:08

Men in their 20's may suffer with 'death grip' - they've literally watched too much porn since their teens and aggressively masturbated for too long.

This makes it very hard for them to finish during normal intercourse.

Lots of info on it on Google

Honeyroar · 03/05/2020 22:08

My first boyfriend was like this. I didn’t know any different at the time, but even 30 years on I remember how awful it was! Yes it would very much bother me!

NoMoreDickheads · 03/05/2020 22:09

Does he have psychological issues in general?

Or as PP's say, anti-depressants can cause problems but if so there are a lot of different ones they can try instead.

In fact I think he only has done it 2 or maybe 3 times in three years. Sex always finishes as he's either too tired or gone soft. It lasts maybe 10- 15 minutes before this point. We are both in our late 20s so it can't be due to age

He says it shouldn't bother me and other women wouldn't care as long as they enjoy it

Has he had other lovers before you got together?

Other women might've told him they didn't mind- women tend to not tell the truth about this sort of thing to be kind to men's feelings- but where are they now? Smile

I've been unlucky enough to have experienced a lot of lovers with erectile dysfunction. Going soft is a real turn-off, it just somehow makes a man less attractive.

I spent years with a partner where the sex was very brief, both premature ejaculation and/or he'd go soft etc.

I didn't fully realize/forgot what I was missing.

10/15 minutes isn't long for a woman to enjoy it as much as she can (if it's any good.) Multiple orgasms are a thing and you might well be able to have them and not often have had it happen yet. It can take a while into her sexual career before a woman 'learns' to have them.

My advice would be to find a man who's good in bed before you get old. Men your age are at/near the height of their powers- get out there and seize the day.

Time goes quickly and before you know it 20 years have gone and a lot of the men you meet will have these problems.

AliciaWhiskers · 03/05/2020 22:11

It won't be anything to do with you. Delayed (or non existent) ejaculation in men is usually nothing to do with the partners and everything to do with their early sexual/masturbatory experiences. Does he see it as a problem at all? Has he ever been able to ejaculate with a partner? (I suspect not). Sex therapy could help if he is willing?

rvby · 03/05/2020 22:14

@PrawnSacrifice please dont use this thread to browbeat your wife. That would be really sadistic honestly.

Justathinslice · 03/05/2020 22:15

Men in their 20's may suffer with 'death grip' - they've literally watched too much porn since their teens and aggressively masturbated for too long

Well.... older men too

CodenameVillanelle · 03/05/2020 22:17

He doesn't like talking about masturbation? Is he quite sexually repressed?

PumpkinP · 03/05/2020 22:25

It would bother me yes, I dated someone once who couldn’t finish through sex and had to finish himself off, always knocked my confidence and hard not to take it personal. I wouldn’t put up with it again

flouncymcflouncerson · 03/05/2020 22:25

My most recent ex had this issue. The first time we had sex it really bothered me. He says that he’s had his frenulum(?) time a couple of times and that this desensitises him. He says he can never cum from oral sex due to this and doesn’t always cum during penetrative sex either. We had to be in a specific position for him to ejaculate. It did make me quite self conscious but that wasn’t why we ended things.

therona · 03/05/2020 22:30

My first boyfriend found it very difficult to orgasm because he was circumcised and it made his penis less sensitive. He only managed it in one position, which made sex quite repetitive. Is your DP circumcised? Also does he cum when you give him oral?

Original poster
inamechange · 03/05/2020 22:31

He's not circumcised and he has never cummed from oral sex

OP posts:
PrawnSacrifice · 03/05/2020 22:33

@rvby I find it amazing how when the genders are reversed, it's seen as a big problem, as confirmed almost universally in this thread, yet the other way round there's a completely different outlook. If nothing else, it validates the way I feel.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 03/05/2020 22:35

I would mind and I would assume it was the result of watching a lot of porn.
But the bit that would read bother me is he says it shouldn’t bother me and other women wouldn’t care and THIS is the reason I would leave him. He is dismissing your feelings and comparing you with “other women” which frankly is misogynistic crap. Why does he think he gets to speak for women? This thread clearly shows that other women WOULD mind. He doesn’t know much about real women and he doesn’t appear to care about your feelings. Unless he agrees that it is a problem and that he wants to solve it then there’s very little point. You’re too young to give up on a fulfilling sex life.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2020 22:36

It's a big problem and I would end the relationship. Something is clearly wrong and how this makes you feel will only get worse over time. If he refuses to address the issue, that's another massive red flag. End it and move on.

Dieu · 03/05/2020 22:38

Hi OP. I would struggle with this too, and would end up taking it very personally (not that you should at all, but that's just me). I would also worry that I was in for a lifetime of frustratingly unsatisfactory sex. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear Thanks

Whathewhatnow · 03/05/2020 22:39

YANBU absolutely.

I recently had a lover with this issue. It was absolutely heartbreaking for both but mostly for me actually. It was his normal. Not mine.

Every time we had sex he felt bad because he couldn't finish. I could, despite a panoply of antidepressants! On the plus side he did come with me twice. That's twice in 20 years. He has no issue getting there alone....

For me it wasnt the lack or orgasm that did for it but the seeming lack of mutual pleasure. With my lover, I want to give them something special, and for me to give them similar. Otherwise I might as well have a best friend and a vibe.....

Specialized101 · 03/05/2020 22:40

Genuine question for the ladies,how many of you are able to orgasm during penetration or from penetration only.
In my experiences its a mixed bag,some women can and some cant,I suppose it has made me feel a bit disappointed in instances when it hasn`t happened for them.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 03/05/2020 22:40

If he has no medical issues, I’d put money on death grip being the problem. My ex had this and couldn’t ejaculate for the last several YEARS of our relationship (on the very rare occasion we had sex). He couldn’t even cum through masturbating if I was in the room - I think because the kind of porn he got off to had become so extreme that he knew I would never want to see it, and the more mainstream stuff did nothing for him any more. If this is indeed the problem, it’s no good for the partner’s confidence and tends to get worse, not better, over time.

Oopsiedaisyy · 03/05/2020 22:41

Deal breaker

rvby · 03/05/2020 22:41

@PrawnSacrifice ok cool, still don't use this thread to browbeat your wife.

If you want some education on the culture of sex: women are often trained from very early in their lives to see their orgasm as optional. This is part of rape culture and a sexual culture that puts men first. Therefore, many women would find it easy to deny that orgasms are an important part of their sexual experience. For your wife who probably has a physical problem, she would be even more likely to tell herself that and believe it.

That's not a double standard, it's an expression of the radically different ways that men and women are made to express their sexuality.

I have several friends who have never had an orgasm - they say they are fine with it - maybe they are - i would not be - that is also ok.

Haranguing your wife with the fact that some (not all) women on this thread wouldn't be ok with their partner not ejaculating, is not a solution to your problem.

rvby · 03/05/2020 22:42

@Specialized101 google for the statistics love. There is plenty of data out there

SimplySteveRedux · 03/05/2020 22:42

he has never cummed from oral sex

He should be getting a DIY from his GP. Deathgrippers usually climax orally.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2020 22:42

@Specialized101

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