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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would it bother you if your partner can't 'finish'?

142 replies

inamechange · 03/05/2020 21:41

If you have a male partner that is. And By finish, I mean ejaculate.

My husband very very rarely can. In fact I think he only has done it 2 or maybe 3 times in three years. Sex always finishes as he's either too tired or gone soft. It lasts maybe 10- 15 minutes before this point. We are both in our late 20s so it can't be due to age.

Taking out issues TTC (Which is obviously a worry) I wondered if others would care in this situation. Because I do care - I feel sort of inadequate that he never finishes as it's not difficult for the majority of men is it? I feel a man finishing is a signal he enjoyed it at least. But I have not had much sexual experience. I know logically I shouldn't blame myself and it is probably a medical issue, but he refuses to consider he may have an issue in this regard.

He says it shouldn't bother me and other women wouldn't care as long as they enjoy it. I can't ask my friends about this so I'm asking anonymously on the internet if it's normal for me to bothered by this?

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 03/05/2020 22:45

It would bother me too.

Not sure what he could do to help it though, maybe try have sex when he’s not tired? Or have him try finish a different way other than having penetrative sex

Whathewhatnow · 03/05/2020 22:48

@Specialised101 I find it easier to come through regular PIV sex than anything else. Much, much more so. But I think I am unusual on that front.
@PrawnSacrifice you and your wife do soune unhappy and I doubt it is just the ADs. I thought I was asexual for 15 years. I was not. I was just with the wrong bloke. I mean, ADs need careful timing... I have to essentially abstain for 36 hrs beforehand which isnt ideal but makes such a difference. But not as much as a difference as being with someone who I was crazy attracted to...

Aerial2020 · 03/05/2020 22:48

@rvby
Well said.

Cambionome · 03/05/2020 22:49

Prawn - you must see that the situations are not exactly the same.

If a man doesn't reach orgasm - or seldom finishes - it's going to be difficult to start a family, which is a massive issue for a lot of people.

I don't really know why I'm bothering to write that out as you obviously know that's the case - maybe just makes you feel better if you can blame your wife/women in general for your issues?

PrawnSacrifice · 03/05/2020 22:51

@rvby I'm not browbeating my wife. Irrespective of social or psychological factors, what this thread has proved to me loud and clear is that it is normal and almost universally felt that to have sex with a partner who cannot orgasm is crap, and some of the advice here is to leave, never again, no thanks, awful etc....

I've been soul searching for a long time wondering if I'm being unreasonable to feel the way I do about our sex being so crap, however the posters in this thread are telling me they feel the same too. It doesn't solve the problem, but tells me I'm not alone.

PrawnSacrifice · 03/05/2020 22:54

@Cambionome. Of course it's an issue if you want to start a family, however that is not the sentiment behind most of the responses on here. The responses are about the quality of the sex and how it makes the women in question feel.

It's not blame, either, it's realising that I'm not alone in how I feel, and that genders reversed, women on the whole feel the same, i.e I'm not being unreasonable to be dissatisfied.

rvby · 03/05/2020 22:57

You are not unreasonable to be dissatisfied at all. It's a shame you didnt realise that before. Can I suggest starting your own thread if you want to continue that discussion?

Aerial2020 · 03/05/2020 22:58

@Prawnsacrifice
This is a forum for women. (Mostly women anyway hence the name)
I don't know what you think you are going to achive by bringing that on here.
A woman and a man's orgasm are completly different. It's not the same.
It's not helpful you comparing.

Whataloadofshite · 03/05/2020 22:59

It could be low testosterone.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/05/2020 23:11

Prawnsacrifice can you honestly not see the difference between a man having sex with his wife and her finding it hard to climax, and a woman having sex with her husband and him literally going soft inside her after 10 mins? Can you really not see how the latter situation is a different kind of crap sex? Yeh if you're spending 45 mins trying to get your wife there and it's a chore that sounds like crap sex, but it's not even remotely similar in practical terms. That's without all the social and psychological points that pp have already made (which you hand waved aside). I'm sick of seeing "if the genders were reversed... Double standards... Blah blah blah" written on here. Men and women are not the same. Our bodies are different, our social conditioning is different, our experiences in the world are different. To try and "reverse the genders" as if that wouldn't create a massive loss of relevant context is just lazy thinking.

CrazyToast · 03/05/2020 23:14

Occasionally it does happen if partner is hungover or in a new relationship until they can relax. However I once dated a guy who just never could, he could only finish if he 'shagged the bed' or so he told me. It was definitely psychological with him. And yes it bothered me when it was all the time, it made me feel it was to do with me.

PrawnSacrifice · 03/05/2020 23:18

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings I can imagine a man going soft after 10 mins is about as disappointing and dispiriting as a woman drying up in the same time period. it would be rubbish.

I take on board your comments, but stand by my stance that both men and women are equally reasonable in feeling disappointed with orgasm and arousal problems.

Aerial2020 · 03/05/2020 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/05/2020 23:36

If you want advice on your situation then start your own thread Prawn. Your situation has only the most superficial similarities to the OPs and is not the reverse of the situation being discussed so the responses here won't be of any practical use to you. Use them to make decisions if you want, but that's all on you.

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 23:39

Men have just as much right to post here as women. Get over it.

Aerial2020 · 03/05/2020 23:43

Why would a man want to be on MUMSNET arguing with women who are trying to get support from other women????
It's weird.
Stop it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2020 23:44

Perhaps he is just asexual? So he likes the affection, the romance, the connection, but not the sex. He may not even realise he is asexual as men are conditioned from early on that wanting sex is a manly attribute.

Prawnsacrifice, I liked your contribution to the thread. Mumsnet is supposed to welcome all parents and even non parents so ignore the venom. I agree you should not have to put up with bad sex and that is true whether a man or a woman no matter our biological or social differences.

otterhound · 03/05/2020 23:48

Aerial, and what exactly have you contributed to this thread?

OP can be upset if her partner cant orgasm. And a man can be equally upset if his partner cant orgasm.
Feelings of inadequacy are equally felt.
though i doubt a woman who couldn't orgasm would be told to go the doctor

Aerial2020 · 03/05/2020 23:54

Mumsnet can be pretty horrible sometimes.
Saying something is weird is not venom.
Leaving this now.
All the best OP

Moonshinemisses · 04/05/2020 00:00

Ariel2020 There are lots of men on mumsnet just as there are lots of people who aren't parents.

MadCattery · 04/05/2020 00:02

DH is 60 now, and ejaculates around every other time. I have a difficult time with it, as he always always takes care of my needs first, so it makes me feel selfish. I understand that he has medical conditions and medications that contribute to the issue, but the times that he can't finish make me feel bad anyway. For you, being in your 20's, it is understandably stressful. He is so young, and there is so much doctors can do now, please ask him to consult a doctor. You should have many years of mutually pleasing sex ahead of you! (Mine doesn't like to talk about masterbation either, but I ask! and am very happy to hear when he is successful. It doesn't take anything away from me, and I always tell him he is helping me out by keeping the hydraulics working!

famousforwrongreason · 04/05/2020 00:05

I have been with two guys like this. The first one was due to advanced diabetes.
The second one... I don't know, we were together a few months and he only came once in that time but had masses of stamina and could go for hours.
I never got to the bottom of it, the one time he ejaculated with me was by wanking and me 'helping'.
He had a huge cock and very attractive so I overlooked it. I found out that he had huge issues with intimacy and I wonder if that's why he couldn't 'let go'.
My friend had a guy like it too and he was also fit and healthy and could perform Etc, she asked him about it and he blamed nerves and anxiety about having sex with a new partner. By the time it finally happened she had lost interest and said it made her feel less attractive

FiveOutOfFiveGoldblums · 04/05/2020 00:06

It would bother me. I would put it down to him wanking too hard - in the shower, if you're not seeing him do it. Cherchez le porn.

Home42 · 04/05/2020 00:13

I struggle to orgasm with a partner, always have. I enjoy sex and I think my current partner enjoys sex with me - he says he does and we both prioritise time for sex. He can’t always finish either. We are both pushing towards 50 and we are willing to cut one another some slack on this.

If you are unhappy with your sex life, as the man or woman in the relationship, you are allowed to say so. No one should have sex they don’t want and a lack of sexual compatibility is as good a reason as any to choose to end a relationship.

If my partner (assuming I’d decided he was a keeper) found my an-orgasmia an issue I’d be happy to try new things up to and including sex therapy. If your partner is unwilling to try to resolve something that impacts your self esteem and your enjoyment of a significant part of a romantic relationship then it would be understandable (at least to me) if you chose to leave the relationship.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 00:26

what this thread has proved to me loud and clear is that it is normal and almost universally felt that to have sex with a partner who cannot orgasm is crap, and some of the advice here is to leave, never again, no thanks, awful etc

@PrawnSacrifice No I don't think you can necessarily conclude that from the thread. For me I'd see the thread as saying things like a bloke going soft (regularly rather than occasionally) is unattractive, a bloke saying all/most women should be as satisfied as they will ever be with 10-15 mins of intercourse is wrong, etc etc. A bloke being able to get off by himself but not with his OH is unusual, and so on.

A woman finding it hard to orgasm is not unusual, especially with the wrong man. This is the original poster's time/thread and you are taking it up with your own gripes.

At the very least, make your own thread (lol) or go elsewhere.

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