Would it bother you if your partner can't 'finish'?

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If you have a male partner that is. And By finish, I mean ejaculate.

My husband very very rarely can. In fact I think he only has done it 2 or maybe 3 times in three years. Sex always finishes as he's either too tired or gone soft. It lasts maybe 10- 15 minutes before this point. We are both in our late 20s so it can't be due to age.

Taking out issues TTC (Which is obviously a worry) I wondered if others would care in this situation. Because I do care - I feel sort of inadequate that he never finishes as it's not difficult for the majority of men is it? I feel a man finishing is a signal he enjoyed it at least. But I have not had much sexual experience. I know logically I shouldn't blame myself and it is probably a medical issue, but he refuses to consider he may have an issue in this regard.

He says it shouldn't bother me and other women wouldn't care as long as they enjoy it. I can't ask my friends about this so I'm asking anonymously on the internet if it's normal for me to bothered by this?

I feel for you so much. I question how i got to 20 years like this but there were other things I focused on instead. I had quite a bit of sex before i met my husband so i didn't think it was that big a deal. I had never come with any other partners so sex was fun but not a focus. It wasn't a big deal until all of a sudden it was and i couldn't carry on like that. That was about 2 years ago and our relationship has been heading for divorce ever since. Were just hanging on for the children and finances now. As soon as i refused to compromise anymore he still wouldn't try to fix it so that was that.
How old are you?
Do you want children?

The problem is that he minimises your feelings. That would be the biggest deal breaker. I wouldn't want to live like that.

Op. I think when you say he thinks it shouldn't bother you whether he ejaculates shows the utter lack of understanding. I know as women we joke about the yucky mess when our OH cums inside but I think most of us need to feel that for the intimacy and for me anyway, seeing his face as he is cumming. I know it sounds a bit animalistic in some way but I to me is one of the lovely essentials of intimacy between a couple.

YANBU and don't let him try and convince you. He is in denial

@PrawnSacrifice this thread isn't about you. Don't use it as a tool to either criticise your wife or bleat about poor menz and "double standards"

Flip the table.
Men have long had to accept that women can't orgasm through penetrative sex alone.
It's less common for a man, yes, but it doesn't mean something is wrong, it's just the way he is.

I had an ex who had a death grip problem. Sex would go on for ages and he would then finish himself vigorously. We talked about it and it got a bit better. Sometimes he could finish if we were having a quickie or run the risk of someone walking in and in certain positions and I learned how to finish him too. I convinced myself it was fine. But now I'm with someone else and I love that being inside me is enough for him to finish. It feels normal and intimate and so much better.

Yes it would. The guy I was seeing last year could only finish with my hand or my mouth and that was unusual enough. The guy I'm seeing now is so responsive to anything sexual that that increases my pleasure and confidence.

I do feel sorry for both men and women having to put up with orgasm-less sex but it is a lot harder for most women to climax than men especially as many can only do it clitorally. I didn't know how to orgasm until I was 30.

“Whenever we have sex now I feel he is doing it begrudgingly as a marital chore”

Yeah, I think he’s in denial that he’s asexual.

OP it would bother me and has in the past if it's a regular thing. DP can't if he's had lots to drink and sometimes when he's really stressed or not feeling well. That's ok, because there's a reason IYSWIM. We're both working stupid hours at the moment so it's happened a couple of times recently but I absolutely get it, we're keeping communication going, plus I'm pregnant so it's not like it's causing problems in that area.

@roarfeckingroar

Other people have shared their thoughts and experiences, as have I.
I have not criticised my wife any more than the OP or anyone else who has stated their situation or experience.

My stance is that for a long time I tried to convince myself that lack of orgasm wasn't a problem and shouldn't bother me, yet seeing so many people respond that it is a problem and it does bother them makes me feel that actually, yes it is a problem and I am okay to feel disappointed by it.

As someone who also cannot finish now due to meds, it has also given me insight has to how women may feel about it from their perspective.

Sorry if my contributions and observations have caused offence.

@PrawnSacrifice not offence, just fed up with men hijacking threads to make it about them and whine about perceived imbalances. Good luck finding a resolution to your situation.

It would bother me that he was going soft half way through!

Well I like to have an insight into men's views and I don't think he's hijacked it at all. He's not been happy with his wife being unable to orgasm and has always been led to believe that he should accept it. Now he can see when the shoe is on the other foot that it does affect the other person. Bottom line, it's a turn off having sex with someone who isn't enjoying it or who isn't able to orgasm and I think many women pretend to have an orgasm which means that neither their partner nor them end up enjoying it as they should.

People are quite capable of enjoying sex without orgasm.

It does seem odd to treat depression with a drug that prevents people from having an orgasm. You'd think that would make them worse, not being able to have sex would be unbelievably depressing for me....

This is an interesting thread. I find it difficult enough to orgasm by my self and nigh on impossible with a partner. This has definitely caused problems in relationships and i know partners have felt inadequate or that I didn't fancy them.

One partner suggested I had a problem and should see someone about it. I was too upset to continue the relationship.

I do enjoy sex and luckily dh understands its not him and he’s never suggested i have a problem that needs fixing.

But op you fell how you feel. If its not working for you please leave but dont insist he has a problem has has to be fixed.

It would bother me yes.

yes it would bother me. If it was a temporary thing caused by medication then thats one thing, but if its not even that, then I think id lose interest in sex fairly quickly if my partner couldnt climax with me. Part of the whole excitement about sex is the build up to climax.

My partner can sometimes struggle to orgasm, and yes, it bothers me. Like yourself, I can feel slighted by it, a feeling of not being good enough. The issue for my partner is that he needs to be able to straighten/tense his legs to physically orgasm. Many positions do not allow for the tension he requires. So, we can achieve orgasm for him if we use specific positions. Thankfully he is a very generous kinda guy and will happily and eagerly ensure I am well satisfied before changing things up and moving in the position that allows him to climax. He is also able to orgasm through other forms of foreplay, so that helps us also. I think it would be very tedious and hurtful to be with someone who never orgasms.

Yes it would bother me a lot although it is definitely an issue of his and no reflection on you, I get that's hard to see when it's you involved though

It would and it did. I had a short relationship with someone. He could last a reasonable time, but could only finish alone in the bathroom.

It took the joy out of sex. I realised it was really important for me.

I think his problem is the death grip and its common among men who watch a lot of porn but if you say he doesn't then talk to him and persuade him to see a specialist because if it affects you this much it would affect the relationship if the both of you don't do anything about it
.

Op you are being very naive thinking he's not having a crafty wank in bathroom or shower. Men will always find a quick 5 mins to wank to porn.

Yanbu because there's a very good chance he's chosen to prioritize his death grip to porn then the hurt he's causing you and he's basically telling you he doesn't want to know about it.

I think your wrong sadiesnake. Not all men are at it all the time through whatever method.

Sounds like he has a low libido too.

Just curious as to whether it causes any physical issues for him, I was under the assumption that if men didn't ejaculate (not sure how often) they get 'blue balls' (sorry but I really don't know how else to describe it). Does he masturbate? Or does he also watch porn which has left him desensitised?